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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 27, 2017 11:12:26 GMT -5
Expect him to be angry, but honestly, as a guy, his three biggest concerns will be: - You "taking away" the kids from him . - You "taking him to the cleaners" financially. - You being sexually active with another man now or in the future. Add to it the cocaine paranoia and if it is laced with LSD the distorted reality and rationale thinking, there is a very real potential for him to harm you, you're children and even kill you. Even a man that wouldn't hurt a fly can snap from the drugs. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 27, 2017 11:33:45 GMT -5
Expect him to be angry, but honestly, as a guy, his three biggest concerns will be: - You "taking away" the kids from him . - You "taking him to the cleaners" financially. - You being sexually active with another man now or in the future. Add to it the cocaine paranoia and if it is laced with LSD the distorted reality and rationale thinking, there is a very real potential for him to harm you, you're children and even kill you. Even a man that wouldn't hurt a fly can snap from the drugs. Absolutely true. Most of my advice is geared towards general purpose males. Honestly, I don't have much experience around that kind of shit except to stay the fuck away. Wise to take precautions on the day the letter is read and from that point on. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 27, 2017 11:59:31 GMT -5
Add to it the cocaine paranoia and if it is laced with LSD the distorted reality and rationale thinking, there is a very real potential for him to harm you, you're children and even kill you. Even a man that wouldn't hurt a fly can snap from the drugs. Absolutely true. Most of my advice is geared towards general purpose males. Honestly, I don't have much experience around that kind of shit except to stay the fuck away. Wise to take precautions on the day the letter is read and from that point on. That's why I'm suggesting a neutral location, where other people can't overhear, but would have clear sight lines and lanes of access if things go south to quickly respond. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 27, 2017 12:38:25 GMT -5
Absolutely true. Most of my advice is geared towards general purpose males. Honestly, I don't have much experience around that kind of shit except to stay the fuck away. Wise to take precautions on the day the letter is read and from that point on. That's why I'm suggesting a neutral location, where other people can't overhear, but would have clear sight lines and lanes of access if things go south to quickly respond. And the risk doesn't go away for a while. He might be stone sober when you tell him but the next day ask his dealer for something a little bit harder, "I've had a bad week". And then you don't know what he could come home high on. Thankfully I haven't had to deal with it in my personal life, but professionally I have. |
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 27, 2017 14:46:46 GMT -5
I think you can cut out all of first half except,
"We are very different people with different needs." Then go straight to all of second half:
"I am very unhappy....."
How long will he actually listen?
Good luck, EO.
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Post by lyn on Apr 27, 2017 21:19:05 GMT -5
Oh EO, honey I feel for you, I really do. Your letter is lovely, very well written. As much as I personally like it, I don't think it carries a heavy enough "weight" to it. You're obviously an extremely kind person, however, at this point in time, it's more important to be resolute - matter of fact. I agree with cagedtiger, please do this in a public place - I thought shamwow had some good, decisive points that may deliver a heavier punch. It's really not the time to protect his ego, or his feelings. He just needs to know the sh*t is going down, in a tactful way. I hate the idea of you being home together after this news is given. Could you deliver this news on a Friday, leave for the weekend, ask that he pack his stuff up and be gone by Monday (or Sunday night) for your return? It would be quite a coup if you could work HIS immediate exit in there somewhere. I'm sending every positive vibe I have to you across these damn continents. Xx |
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Apr 27, 2017 21:19:13 GMT -5
I don't think I can really add to anything said here already. My initial thought was too much blaming yourself, like a lot of others noticed. If you do that you just give him fodder to throw back at you when the anger surfaces. Be careful, shelter the kids, and be wary of being alone when it goes down. Consider leaving it on your way out. Think of it as a way to make it so he won't wonder why you have been/will be gone so long.
All my best to you.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 27, 2017 23:20:00 GMT -5
Wow. Thanks guys. So much support and advice here ... my head is spinning.
I need more time to digest these thoughts and possibilities.
I am, as an eternal optimist, a big fan of the saying "it'll all work out just fine" but I perhaps need to use caution more in situations such as this.
Thank you all seriously. Xxx
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Post by unmatched on Apr 28, 2017 17:43:33 GMT -5
Wow. Thanks guys. So much support and advice here ... my head is spinning. I need more time to digest these thoughts and possibilities. I am, as an eternal optimist, a big fan of the saying "it'll all work out just fine" but I perhaps need to use caution more in situations such as this. Thank you all seriously. Xxx Caution is definitely a good idea. He is not the most stable guy at the best of times  If you could do it in a coffee shop or somewhere public and then go stay with your mum for a night or two it might not be a bad idea. As far as the letter goes, honestly I don't think it matters much what is in it. You both know exactly where you stand. So long as it says goodbye and you mean it then if you can give him something that will let him retain a few shreds of his self esteem and not rile him up too much then I would go for that. Manipulative? Maybe. Does it give you as much satisfaction? Probably not. But if it gets the job done and minimises any fallout then who gives a shit? |
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 30, 2017 1:57:18 GMT -5
I can't add anything to what's already been very wisely suggested. I just hope that this goes well for you and wish you all the very, very best.
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Post by thefullmoon on Apr 30, 2017 8:27:44 GMT -5
I think the best solution to leave without any talking... In January we had a post from woman who was leaving.....she never came back....we just hope she is safe... iliasm.org/thread/2163/?page=1Don'be reasonable with unreasonable people! Plan your exit carefully,in details and don't give any indications to your husband... |
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Post by TMD on Apr 30, 2017 11:31:24 GMT -5
eternaloptimism - it's Sunday today. You had originally planned to talk, "this weekend," presuming you wanted to give the letter to him this week? You followed up saying that you had more to think about. I hope that you are planning to leave first, then hash out separation details, as your and the the boys' safety is a concern. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts as you begin to navigate this transition.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 30, 2017 14:24:36 GMT -5
I think the best solution to leave without any talking... In January we had a post from woman who was leaving.....she never came back....we just hope she is safe... iliasm.org/thread/2163/?page=1Don'be reasonable with unreasonable people! Plan your exit carefully,in details and don't give any indications to your husband... Sheet. She's still never been back. A google search on what little info I can muster doesnt show anything untoward though. Scary. X |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 30, 2017 14:26:53 GMT -5
eternaloptimism - it's Sunday today. You had originally planned to talk, "this weekend," presuming you wanted to give the letter to him this week? You followed up saying that you had more to think about. I hope that you are planning to leave first, then hash out separation details, as your and the the boys' safety is a concern. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts as you begin to navigate this transition. Thank you I have done nothing at all yet. I'm pretty good at that. Many years of practice! Its all so clear when I'm here and then I turn to a quivering feeble ball of weakness as soon as I'm face to face with him. I feel so pathetic. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 30, 2017 17:04:32 GMT -5
eternaloptimism - it's Sunday today. You had originally planned to talk, "this weekend," presuming you wanted to give the letter to him this week? You followed up saying that you had more to think about. I hope that you are planning to leave first, then hash out separation details, as your and the the boys' safety is a concern. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts as you begin to navigate this transition. Thank you I have done nothing at all yet. I'm pretty good at that. Many years of practice! Its all so clear when I'm here and then I turn to a quivering feeble ball of weakness as soon as I'm face to face with him. I feel so pathetic. That is what they want. For you to not threaten thier power. That is why he did what he did the other night and you felt powerless to say no. |
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If you could do it in a coffee shop or somewhere public and then go stay with your mum for a night or two it might not be a bad idea. As far as the letter goes, honestly I don't think it matters much what is in it. You both know exactly where you stand. So long as it says goodbye and you mean it then if you can give him something that will let him retain a few shreds of his self esteem and not rile him up too much then I would go for that. Manipulative? Maybe. Does it give you as much satisfaction? Probably not. But if it gets the job done and minimises any fallout then who gives a shit?
