|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 27, 2017 2:19:56 GMT -5
The pontificating is over.
I can't sit silently anymore waiting for something to make me feel ballsy enough to have another talk with him.
Ive taken off my ring.
Ive told him we're done.
He pretty much raped me off his head on coke.
Hes still ignoring the fact we're over.
So I've finally done a draft of a letter to him.
I cant sit in silence any more but I can't speak the words to him so this is my attempt at saying what needs to be said in order to move forward without inducing any kind of rage from him. I am focussed.
Please pick it to bits. All comments and advice welcome.
Draft Letter
Dear Mr EO.
It is with a heavy heart I have found myself having to put pen to paper and write to you to compensate for my ridiculous inability to speak up. One of my biggest failings.
For a long time now I have been deeply considering whether we have a future together.
I believe our relationship has run its course. I believe we are very different people with different wants and needs. I can no longer cling on to a relationship where our goals are not aligned.
I am putting no blame on you, rather on myself for not speaking my own truths with conviction over the years. On myself too for thinking I could turn you into the man I wanted you to be. That was unfair of me and I'm sorry for being that woman who nagged and tried to make you change who you are.
I gave up on that over the last 6 months or so. I see now that things will never change just because I want them to. The only change I can control is within myself.
You have so much potential and so much to give but it's up to you what you do with that, I now understand I cannot push you in any direction. It's up to you to live the way you want to live.
I am very unhappy. I'm sure you know that. And I don't think this is the best environment for us to bring up our boys. We are not setting a good example to them for how they should lead their lives when they grow up and what they should expect from their future relationships. I think we are damaging them.
I have to work on my own issues. I have to do that alone. As a single woman.
As far as what happens next, I want us to split up. My decision is made and I will not change my mind. I love you very much as the father of our brilliant boys, and will care deeply about you forever, but not as my romantic partner.
I am happy I discuss the details of how we go about the practicalities of this with you and want us to be fair to each other. I have no firm ideas, this needs sensible discussion between the 2 of us to be able to move forward in as amicable way as possible, with as little upset for the boys as possible.
I truly want us both to be happy, but I am certain this can only have the potential to happen if we let each other go.
Let's make some time this weekend to talk. I'll arrange for the boys to go to my Mother.
Yours,
EO
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Apr 27, 2017 2:42:26 GMT -5
eternaloptimismHave you got the local Plods on speed dial ? Have you sourced those shelters (someone put the links up fairly recently) Have you got the appropriate legal advice ? Have you got an exit strategy (both short term for when the balloon goes up, and longer term) ? Support network in place ? Plan on helping the kids transition through the situation ? You may only get one shot at this. The letter looks fine to me, but I would counsel against handing it over until you have the usual protocols - as above - in place.
|
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Apr 27, 2017 4:28:46 GMT -5
The letter looks fine to me too. But maybe do a little less self blaming. You don't need to blame yourself. You gave it your best and maybe he did too (but just doesn't have much to give). You are not a good match and you are unhappy and there is no solution when staying together. That is the main thing.
I agree with what Baza says.
Have you been to a lawyer yet? You must have the information you need. And you must have an idea of the path to follow from that point of no return.
I get the impression that your stbx is very immature and totally relying on you for everything. Could be good to collect some information for him. A list of where he can get help and information for his new situation. That could perhaps soften it a little and give some sort of feeling that he actually can do things for improving his situation. But whatever he does with it, is entirely up to him.
And whatever he does, don't take any of your words back! Stick with your plan. Make your moves and get out!
Best of luck to you! xx
|
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on Apr 27, 2017 4:36:22 GMT -5
EO. Do not take any blame. You tried. And then some. Stick with your plan. You're getting there. So proud to read. Getting on my cheerleader outfit and shaking my pom-poms for you! Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Apr 27, 2017 6:04:02 GMT -5
I agree with less self blame.
I would not be any where near a Coke head for a week after giving them a letter likes that.
Cocaine is closely associated with domestic violence.
Don't put your kids or yourself at risk for injury or even death.
I will write more later when I am at work.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Apr 27, 2017 6:07:37 GMT -5
You are living with an abusive mate. The most dangerous time for a person living with an abuser is when one tries to leave. Do not send the letter. Telling him your plans would put you at grave risk. Google, "how to leave an abuser" and/or call an abuse hotline and get their advice. Also secretly see a lawyer (the first visit may be free) and get legal advice.
You do not have the power nor are you responsible for getting your husband to understand or agree with your reasoning. What is your responsibility is living the kind of life you desire. You can't change him.
Please take my words seriously. I have an acquaintance whose mom was stabbed to death when she tried to leave her abusive husband.
|
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Apr 27, 2017 6:23:12 GMT -5
I would agree with less self - blame. I would also suggest having the next conversation, and delivering the letter in a neutral, but public location. Give your mom and sister a heads up beforehand, and maybe have your sister somewhere nearby watching discreetly to call the authorities if things go badly again, like the last time. On the whole, I'm really proud of you; I know this isn't easy for you, but you're doing what you need to do for you and your boys to give yourselves the best future possible. Stay strong - you can do this.  |
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 27, 2017 6:25:33 GMT -5
EO - I'm happy for you getting a draft done. It's helpful to spell it out in words (was for me, I mean).
You really don't need to spell out "I'm sorry I'm me" in it. You actually don't have to rationalize your choice at all. Please be sure you've seen a lawyer before you tip your hand to Mr.
I really think a letter only needs to say:
I am not happy. This isn't good for our kids either. I'm done & we will be splitting (divorcing). I know that we can do this in a way that doesn't harm the boys.
You don't have to divulge to him that you've seen a lawyer btw (in the letter). You don't actually need his understanding or permission. He doesn't need to be schooled on his unmet potential or the codependent ways "we" (b/c I'm taking my own voice here) tried to help, change, or save him from himself.
But this IS an excellent draft for helping you understand your reasoning & underlying motivations. And for that, it serves you well to spell it out.
You are readier & readier. It makes me glad for you. And scared at the same time.
You're no dummy. Be sure to keep your & the boys' safety as first priority. Action is after safety (lawyer, abuse hotline, etc). If he happens to come around to understanding, so be it. But it really isn't your job to "sales pitch" your decision. Firmly saying, "I have decided. We are done." Is really all it needs to convey for informing him.
Please stay safe, chica.
|
|
|
|
Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 27, 2017 6:27:33 GMT -5
And what else might he do next time he's out of his head? Leave THEN post the letter. It's too late when he's in a prison cell crying over what he has done in his drug fuelled rage. For the sake of your children do not give him this letter without a clear plan and physical support.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Apr 27, 2017 8:26:35 GMT -5
I read my letter to my wife back at the end of January, so the experience is still fresh in my mind. I'll have more to add later, but I'd ditch that last line about "talking about it later". You're going to talk about it right then whether you want to or not. Make sure the kids aren't home when you read it and have time. In my case, all we really needed was 30 minutes after I read the letter.
You will need to know how you want to handle the interim period. Finances, sleeping arrangements, when you want to tell the kids, how you want to handle the divorce process (fight, collaborative, mediation, etc...). With the coke issue, you probably need to have a place to bail to in a hurry as well. Mom needs to be in the loop on this if she isn't. I would also read this letter in a public place.
First look, though, is good. It comes from your heart. Be sure to get as many male perspectives on this letter as possible to smooth out the rough edges. We have different "rough edges" than the ladies do, and the ladies here REALLY helped me with my letter (thank everyone for that again by the way). Hopefully the menfolk here can do the same.
Remember, once you start this ball rolling it ain't gonna stop. And this letter picks the direction and speed the ball starts rolling in. Make sure you're ready and have your ducks in a row as best as you can.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 27, 2017 8:45:37 GMT -5
Good job EO! Very resolute!
Go after the life you want for yourself!!
|
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Apr 27, 2017 8:58:36 GMT -5
Personally, Just take the kids and leave.
What's to say?
You don't need to explain yourself.
"Went to go shopping for a restraining order. Be back never. New Cell number is 999. "
But that's me.
Personally, when I'm done with you, ZFG.
Just be careful.
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Apr 27, 2017 9:14:02 GMT -5
I saw a lot of self-blame in this. I understand the feeling of failure in a marriage's end. I wonder if self-blame is intended to ameliorate the potential for anger. I think it also opens a window for negotiation, in that it gives him the power to "forgive" you, thereby resolving the apparent issue as depicted, and that is not the intent. Whether or not it feels right to blame yourself or take on your share of responsibility, this isn't a negotiation of who is to be blamed for what anymore, so there is not need to heat those leftovers up. That part no longer matters.
More effective to focus on the decision and what happens next. If you ask for anything, then asking to give consideration for the children seems the best route. I edited out the self-blame so you can read and see how it feels.
---
"Dear Mr EO.
Our goals are not aligned and our relationship as romantic partners who live together has run its course. You have so much potential and so much to give, but it's up to you what you do with that. I now understand I cannot push you in any direction. It's up to you to live the way you want to live. I have to work on my own issues and I have to do that alone.
My thoughts have turned to our children. We are not setting a good example for how our boys should lead their lives when they grow up and what they should expect from their future relationships. I think we are damaging them.
We are going to separate. My decision is made and I will not change my mind. I love you very much as the father of our brilliant boys, and will care deeply about you forever as their father.
I anticipate discussing the practicalities of this with you with the intent that we are fair to each other and afford the hope that we can be the best individuals and parents that we can be. This needs sensible discussion between to move forward in as amicable way as possible, with as little upset for the boys as possible.
I want us both to be happy, but I am certain this can only have the potential to happen if we let each other go.
Let's make some time this weekend to talk. I'll arrange for the boys to go to my Mother. "
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 27, 2017 9:28:38 GMT -5
When I announced the divorce my H went straight into blaming me mode and why would I want to fuck you. I didn't need to blame myself, which I don't, but I stayed calm and repeated to him a few times, "you're right I am that way and that's why we are not compatible so this marriage will end".
The next day he admitted he was as asshole all these years but too little too late!
Again go after the life you want for yourself and your children.
You have nothing to be blamed for all you have been is kind which he took advantage of. Fuck him!
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Apr 27, 2017 10:52:56 GMT -5
One thought on "blame" in general.
At this point in the process, all blame (self and blame of him) really doesn't matter. It is just more "why" chasing, and you know how that goes. I'm pretty sure with the conversations you've already had there has been plenty of "why" already identified. Nothing has changed, so bringing up blame of either of you is kind of moot at this point.
Self blame gives him something to attack you on, and blaming him for things leads to a defensive block and counter-punch (no matter how accurate the criticism).
As far as the letter and the "male perspective"
If I were getting this letter read to ME, I already know WHY. It has been discussed before ad nauseum. I probably disagree with it and have plenty of things to bitch about you in return. That's a losing strategy. Instead, you probably want to keep this more along the lines of Detective Joe Friday (Just the facts, ma'am):
- We need to talk because our relationship has had problems.
- We haven't been able to address these problems and I don't see they can be resolved.
- As a result, I want to end this marriage and we WILL be getting a divorce. I will NOT change my mind on this.
- One thing we have in common is we BOTH love our boys more than life itself
- Our highest priority needs to be how to do this with as LITTLE DAMAGE to them as possible
- Our boys need BOTH of us in their lives. I am not going to try to keep you from your children (HUGE fear on a guy's part...address it, but if you worry about their safety, you might need to play this differently).
- I also know that we will both need to support ourselves. I won't try to screw you financially, you don't try to screw me. Neither serves the interests of our boys. (Most guys think the ex-wife will be out for blood and that the courts are stacked against them. If you state that you want to be fair, it will help alleviate this)
- Here is how I think we get from here to there (sleeping arrangements, kids activities, money arrangements, timetable, etc). If you are smart, you have visited a lawyer and also know how the process works.
For each of these items, think of possible responses and how you plan on dealing with them. If you don't know, do research BEFORE this letter. When you visit an attorney, you should already know almost everything he/she has to say with very few surprises. If you need his input on preferences, get it and go from there.
Expect him to be angry, but honestly, as a guy, his three biggest concerns will be:
- You "taking away" the kids from him .
- You "taking him to the cleaners" financially.
- You being sexually active with another man now or in the future.
I'd avoid references to yourself as a "single woman" since that implies you'll be dating (and having sex) with other men. You will...it's kind of the point. He will figure that shit out for himself eventually, but in this talk, your main goal should be to guide the conversation in a direction and pace that is favorable to you and your boys. The way to do this most effectively is to not poke his male ego with sticks. You might be thinking "fuck his ego". But for this situation, that is counterproductive.
Us guys have such fragile egos (my own included). If you can make your point you're leaving in a "just the facts" kind of way (less prose), address his fears, and lay out the road map forward, your conversation will be a "success". It might be an emotional train wreck. My 3/4 page letter took me 30 minutes to choke out through tears. But you will get it out and be preparing the terrain for the fight to come to your own advantage.
Ask Sun Tzu...terrain is critical.
|
|
