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Post by orangepeel on Apr 27, 2017 15:16:56 GMT -5
I can't talk for anyone else, but I'd keep my mouth shut. If I felt guilty, I'd just carry it: my guilt, my problem not to inflict on anyone else (that's the high minded reason) and the toxic shit that hit the fan would get sprayed around (and that's the real one).
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 27, 2017 16:27:49 GMT -5
From a Time Article from 2008 - I think this lady nails it:
"No. I've got to tell you that this is very, very important. I'm a person who is just an advocate of truth. I really will do anything to tell the truth, so it took me a long time to get to the point where I say, just don't tell. Because how does it make a person less guilty to inflict terrible pain on someone? Which is exactly what the confession does. It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn't alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow. Honesty is great, but it's an abstract moral principle.... The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people.
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 27, 2017 17:04:18 GMT -5
From a Time Article from 2008 - I think this lady nails it: "No. I've got to tell you that this is very, very important. I'm a person who is just an advocate of truth. I really will do anything to tell the truth, so it took me a long time to get to the point where I say, just don't tell. Because how does it make a person less guilty to inflict terrible pain on someone? Which is exactly what the confession does. It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn't alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow. Honesty is great, but it's an abstract moral principle.... The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people. Exactly: she says it a lot better than me. |
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Post by WindSister on Apr 27, 2017 19:27:10 GMT -5
Interesting point and twist that "don't hurt her by telling her" part. Not sure I fully agree but then I value hardcore honesty even when it sucks. (I might blow up from it for a second but usually come to see the light).
Putting my ILIASM glasses on.... Baz's post makes the most sense to me in this case.
Will telling her fix the SM? No.
Give it your all one more time with your timeline in mind.
Hopefully learn and grow either way to make all following relationships to follow more fulfilling (whether with her or someone else).
Be the kind of man who has the kind of relationship you dream of.
Some roll their eyes when I say things like that, others get it.
In being that man, you will attract her.
Hopefully she's your wife in this case, but she might not be.
I started "being" a better mate (yes, I had to change, too, not just change my partner) long before I left my ex. He didn't join me. Someone else did.
Good luck! Sincerely.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 27, 2017 23:41:01 GMT -5
WTF!
IF SHE DOES NOT ASK, DO NOT TELL. Those people pushing for confession do not live in reality. They are idealistic idiots.
If you are sure there is no way she will find out, keep it to yourself. If you want to start clean, do it in your heart and mind.
Write it all in a journal and then have a ceremonial burning of the book.
Confess to your holy person and get absolution. Forgive yourself. Do penance.
She will notice the new you.
A voluntary confession will stick in her mind and she will see you with your AP every time you touch her. Your marriage will be over because she will never trust you again.
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 28, 2017 2:32:35 GMT -5
Interesting point and twist that "don't hurt her by telling her" part. Not sure I fully agree but then I value hardcore honesty even when it sucks. (I might blow up from it for a second but usually come to see the light). Putting my ILIASM glasses on.... Baz's post makes the most sense to me in this case. Will telling her fix the SM? No. Give it your all one more time with your timeline in mind. Hopefully learn and grow either way to make all following relationships to follow more fulfilling (whether with her or someone else). Be the kind of man who has the kind of relationship you dream of. Some roll their eyes when I say things like that, others get it. In being that man, you will attract her. Hopefully she's your wife in this case, but she might not be. I started "being" a better mate (yes, I had to change, too, not just change my partner) long before I left my ex. He didn't join me. Someone else did. Good luck! Sincerely. Sublime post. I love your posts. You are like looking at all of this from the "other side" and still here helping. I think I understand what you said. Kind of man? We have talked about this with my W and it is consistent with many things said on here. First the "Sexless Marriage" is really just part of the problem or the obvious symptom. We both agreed "INTIMACY" and affection and a million little things done on a day-to-day basis. So I commit to do that. Holding each other at night, holding hands, kisses in the morning, sex on a regular basis (I am aiming for 5 out 7 evenings per week on average . . . I am very serious that is how my libido is, otherwise I will start to wander . . . again). Being affectionate. She is even fixing little things on me already like if there is something on my shirt she removes it and we have held each other and caressed each other already. I HAVE TO MAKE THE EFFORT TOO. Again awakeforthedance, very good post. The thing is though honestly I am "faking it until I make it" - I am going to go with the school of thought that says LOVE is an action not a feeling. So I will act and act and act and do the next right thing in terms of the million little things. I do not know if this is going to work if my feelings can be rekindled. I am making it a point to keep the apartment for at least 6 months so I do not have to go through an exit plan again. I am leaving most of my stuff there too as a de facto storage. |
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Post by dancingbear70 on Apr 28, 2017 14:06:12 GMT -5
The only reasons for confession are to seek absolution or to impart pain to another.
Seeking absolution while imparting pain to another is the ultimate selfish act.
Just know that if you ever speak of it, it is for your own selfish reasons and no other.
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Post by thefullmoon on Apr 29, 2017 22:06:25 GMT -5
NEVER!
I know..it is naive thinking to come clean...go through a catarsis and start from new page...emotional intelligence...
Oh, yes...it would happen in ideal world...and happily ever after...
Wait a sec! In ideal world SM do not exist.. and outcome of the crucial confession will be very different...sexually averse person may'work' on marriage for some time...but extremely likely not for long time ( does a leopard ever change the spots?)...then suddenly the confession will burn very bright and become the strongest reason not to be intimate again...ever...and you will be guilty...very guilty...as you brought this into marriage yourself...
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2017 15:19:45 GMT -5
NO.
It won't make anything better. It wil probably make things worse.
If you need the relief of talking about it with someone, that's what therapists and groups like AA or Al-Anon are for.
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Post by lyn on May 1, 2017 19:59:24 GMT -5
McRoomMate. The only reason to confess is to appease your own conscience. At least "consciously". Your subconscious is a whole different story. I honestly believe that admitting to this affair - given the state of your marriage and everything you've been through, is tantamount to your SUB-CONSCIOUS self running about wildly searching for an exit door.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 1, 2017 21:13:56 GMT -5
You might start by saying," I'm sorry. I ask your forgiveness for all my mistakes, and whatever part I might have played in contributing to our almost divorce/break-up. Sounds hard doesn't it? It is. It also generalizes things so you can "test the waters" to see what kind of reaction you will receive. The personal sense of growth and well being that comes from asking forgiveness for a mistake, makes it all worthwhile. Are you willing to forgive her of her wrongs? Is this the right time? Remember , you are only accountable for yourself. It is not your job to remind others of their wrongs so that they can ask you to forgive them.
What if she doesn't forgive you? You have just put yourself on the line and asked for forgiveness and understanding. The response may not be what you hoped for. Forgiveness was rejected, treated lightly, laughed at, or just ignored, maybe she will continue to hold it against you? What do you do now? Nothing! You have fulfilled your part of the responsibility. You can not control the response you want from other people. If they choose to ignore their part in causing this entire problem, then you must let it be their problem. You can be confident that you have done all that you can and the rest is up to them.
It's like disciplining a child. The punishment /correction needs to be swift. The longer it is delayed the more the child thinks they can now get away with more. They can control you more, and hold you hostage. Are you punishing her? Sort of. She had an equal part in causing this entire problem.
Are you looking for a good test of how strong the remaining, broken pieces of your damaged relationship will fit back together? This would probably be the ultimate challenge. Lets say it doesn't go over very well. You have gained more freedom to seek separation.
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Post by McRoomMate on May 2, 2017 2:44:00 GMT -5
McRoomMate . The only reason to confess is to appease your own conscience. At least "consciously". Your subconscious is a whole different story. I honestly believe that admitting to this affair - given the state of your marriage and everything you've been through, is tantamount to your SUB-CONSCIOUS self running about wildly searching for an exit door. Thank-you lyn I just had a dream about my wife (STXW) - it was not flattering at all to her. It was my subconscious sending me a big signal which is along the lines of what you said. My conscience is cluttered - crowded with all these the "way things should be" - I also touched into my basic lack of attraction to her except when the divorce meant she would try to keep me from seeing my children. Yes definitely I need to tap into my Sub-Conscious as that is the source of neurosis when ignored per my understanding. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on May 2, 2017 3:18:50 GMT -5
McRoomMate . The only reason to confess is to appease your own conscience. At least "consciously". Your subconscious is a whole different story. I honestly believe that admitting to this affair - given the state of your marriage and everything you've been through, is tantamount to your SUB-CONSCIOUS self running about wildly searching for an exit door. Thank-you lyn I just had a dream about my wife (STXW) - it was not flattering at all to her. It was my subconscious sending me a big signal which is along the lines of what you said. My conscience is cluttered - crowded with all these the "way things should be" - I also touched into my basic lack of attraction to her except when the divorce meant she would try to keep me from seeing my children. Yes definitely I need to tap into my Sub-Conscious as that is the source of neurosis when ignored per my understanding. Why is she now STBXW? I'm confused |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 2, 2017 7:29:06 GMT -5
From a Time Article from 2008 - I think this lady nails it: "No. I've got to tell you that this is very, very important. I'm a person who is just an advocate of truth. I really will do anything to tell the truth, so it took me a long time to get to the point where I say, just don't tell. Because how does it make a person less guilty to inflict terrible pain on someone? Which is exactly what the confession does. It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn't alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow. Honesty is great, but it's an abstract moral principle.... The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people. You...had pain inflicted upon yourself from your wife, as well. It's a two way street." A permanent state of hurt and grief?" Who's choice is that? Everyone makes mistakes. The choice is to learn from them and move forward. Why live in the past? there's no future in it! |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 2, 2017 8:00:57 GMT -5
From a Time Article from 2008 - I think this lady nails it: "No. I've got to tell you that this is very, very important. I'm a person who is just an advocate of truth. I really will do anything to tell the truth, so it took me a long time to get to the point where I say, just don't tell. Because how does it make a person less guilty to inflict terrible pain on someone? Which is exactly what the confession does. It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn't alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow. Honesty is great, but it's an abstract moral principle.... The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people. You...had pain inflicted upon yourself from your wife, as well. It's a two way street." A permanent state of hurt and grief?" Who's choice is that? Everyone makes mistakes. The choice is to learn from them and move forward. Why live in the past? there's no future in it! Amen my Brother in SM. Amen. |
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