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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2017 18:57:47 GMT -5
Honesty is so important to me. But you had an affair so I consider that a lie and many other things. but as long as she did not know and does not know, dont tell her ever..never ever ever
water under the bridge, ancient history. blah blah.
move forward and carry that weight yourself. It will be even heavier if you tell her.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 8, 2017 14:07:24 GMT -5
If you are not already in an open marriage, NEVER let your spouse know.
Last December, my wife put two and two together and begged me with tears in her eyes not to give up on her. I never said I was or was not. The fact of the matter is that I was not, and still am not, but only because I am patient and selective. I volunteered no information, and no questions were asked. I'm comfortable with that. Don't ask, don't tell.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 8, 2017 14:13:55 GMT -5
Honesty is so important to me. But you had an affair so I consider that a lie and many other things. but as long as she did not know and does not know, dont tell her ever..never ever ever Honesty. I wish we all had some honesty from our partner before we got into this mess. We have a contract with our spouses to have them as our sole provider of sexual activities. None of us would have signed that marriage certificate if our partner was going to cut us off, or was only feigning interest in sex to lock us into that long term agreement. The legal term for that is probably "bait and switch" at best, and more likely "fraud". |
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Post by lyn on Jun 8, 2017 23:52:20 GMT -5
I will reiterate here, McRoomMate , No! Fu*k No! Say nothing! Does no good - zero - nyet- nada- NOOooooo!!!!!! |
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Post by Dan on Jun 9, 2017 13:12:39 GMT -5
People who have affairs like to believe that everyone else is at it too, but they are not. According to the highly respected 1994 University of Chicago survey, which was carried out by Edward O Laumann, just 25% of men and 12% of women have been unfaithful. Dan the Math Guy speaking up here. If we make some simplifying assumption (will discuss if anyone presses me), then the fact that the "25% of men and 12% of women have been unfaithful" means that the women -- on average -- are being unfaithful with twice as many men. That is, out of 100 couples, if 25 of the men cheated, and 12 of the women did, that means those 12 women (on average) went with those 25 men -- each seeing two, and "being unfaithful" twice as much. Or: 11 of the women slept with 11 of the married guys, and the 12th woman slept with the other 14! Again, I made some assumptions, the largest of which is probably "cheating with another married person" predominates. If cheaters predominantly cheat with single people, then my analysis is a bit off. But if THAT is true ("cheating with a single person" predominates) what does it say about all those single people who will have a fling with a married person??? I know it "looks bad" that "all those men cheat -- look at that number, 25%!!!". But that means there are a lot of single women with so little respect for their married female peers that they will sleep with their husbands. Honestly: this is just a little mathematical musing. I'm NOT trying to drawn any conclusions that disparage one gender more than the other. Really, these numbers don't make it look good for either gender, IMO. |
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Post by Dan on Jun 9, 2017 13:20:21 GMT -5
Infidelity is still the number one cause of divorce (Amato, Previti 2003). This stat BUGS THE CRAP out of me. It is like saying "the number one cause of auto accidents is loss of control of the vehicle". No duh: if the driver had full control of the vehicle, wouldn't he/she have avoided the accident? There was SOMETHING that lead to the infidelity, no? Sexual incompatibility... the experience of philandering parents... antisocial behaviors (violence, drug use, gambling) that drove one spouse in to the arms of someone else... and so on. This is akin to my disdain for the term "homewrecker", a woman who has an affair with a married man that leads to a divorce. Wasn't the home probably already wrecked if he went off the reservation? Could be the husband's shortcomings or the wife's... but I don't see how the blame can be pinned squarely on the "other woman". |
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Post by Dan on Jun 9, 2017 13:31:20 GMT -5
Many on these threads say "you must confess the affair" as part of saving a marriage (SM issues aside and all the work on one self etc. needed). Threads HERE have said that? Funny: I don't think I've EVER seen one. I briefly participated in a site called Surviving Infidelity. The mantra there was "you MUST admit to the affair"; if you didn't buy into this orthodoxy, you were constantly harangued and brow-beaten. I discussed this with my therapist (ages ago). Her honest question was: if the affair is over, what is the point of confessing? If there is an actually REASON to do it, ok, consider it. But if you were "just trying to get it off your chest" -- a guilt thing -- so you could move on and get "back to the marriage" -- then beware that "admitting infidelity out of the blue" is likely to have the OPPOSITE effect. In some sense (she didn't use these words, but it is how I summarize her view): confessing "for the sake of it" is almost a selfish act. Living with the burden of your secret? Tough. No one said you'd get off scot-free from your dalliance. Better YOU bear the burden than inflict the pain on your [otherwise blameless] spouse. I do see some deep wisdom there. |
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Post by Dan on Jun 9, 2017 13:37:19 GMT -5
I will reiterate here, McRoomMate , No! Fu*k No! Say nothing! Does no good - zero - nyet- nada- NOOooooo!!!!!! I just remembered a odd fact: my mom -- for some reason when I was a teen -- brought up marital infidelity out of the blue, and said "your father and I discussed it, and we agreed if it ever happened (the other spouse cheated) that we just wouldn't want to know." Or something like that. At the time, I took it in stride -- I guess I was not "aware" enough to question why in the world she just volunteered that information. At the moment.... I'm flabbergasted! (I really don't want to indulge in any conjecture of WHY she said that; please don't bother posting your thoughts on it.) BUT the seed was sewn. I think that little nugget was one of the cobbles that paved the path leading me to the gate where I actually considered stepping outside my marriage. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 9, 2017 14:07:15 GMT -5
I will reiterate here, McRoomMate , No! Fu*k No! Say nothing! Does no good - zero - nyet- nada- NOOooooo!!!!!! I just remembered a odd fact: my mom -- for some reason when I was a teen -- brought up marital infidelity out of the blue, and said "your father and I discussed it, and we agreed if it ever happened that we just wouldn't want to know." Or something like that. At the time, I took it in stride -- I guess I was not "aware" enough to question why in the world she just volunteered that information. At the moment.... I'm flabbergasted! (I really don't want to indulge in any conjecture of WHY she said that; please don't bother posting your thoughts on it.) BUT the seed was sewn. I think that little nugget was one of the cobbles that paved the path leading me to the gate where I actually considered stepping outside my marriage. I have told my children and my students - if you ever do something wrong and want to get away with it then you tell no one. Good for your mom! |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Jun 9, 2017 14:11:43 GMT -5
My dad was a policeman. I was about 13 when he had an affair with the wife of his best friend. He forgot to turn in the hotel key and mom found it in his police jacket.
I still remember my dad on his knees crying, begging mom to forgive him. She wouldn't look at him. We thought she was heartless. The four of us were huddled in my room peeking out and listening. We didn't understanding what happened. All we knew was mom was angrier than she had ever been.
There was more confusion when our good friends disappeared from our lives. My parents went to catholic counseling, then a marriage retreat. They renewed their vows and appeared to have renewed passion for each other, which grossed us out.
Last year while cleaning out clutter in my mom's house I ran across the hotel key. We never stayed in hotels. It brought back the memory of the big fight about a hotel key. Now I understand what it was all about. I understand why our friends disappeared and we were never to mention them again.
I can't believe she kept that damn key.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 9, 2017 15:24:26 GMT -5
My dad was a department store credit manager. When I was 7 my dad bought a brand new Ford Falcon. When I was 8 one night my mom got a phone call and got very mad. Madder then I had ever seen her in my life. She told us that dad was letting a lady co-worker drive the car while my mom wasn't allowed to. When dad got home, my mom told me and my sister to go to our room. Her and dad had a huge shouting fight. Then my mom started breaking every piece of glass in the apartment. Every glass item in the kitchen and all the glass vases and stuff all through the apartment. My dad was pleading and shouting for my mom to stop it. She found baby and foot powder and threw at him. There was powder covering the apartment. I came out of my bedroom and saw that dad had mom pinned on the couch trying to calm her down. It didn't work. A while later my mom and dad came into me and my sister's room, threw on the light, started pulling stuff out of the dresser and closet and telling us that we were leaving with dad. Then a few minutes later she turned off the light, shut the door and her and dad left back into the living room and proceeded to shout and throw stuff again. Then sometime later my dad left and didn't come back for a few days. Then one snowy Saturday morning, my dad came back and then my mom took us to our neighbor's apartment and told us to stay there. Then my mom got a hammer and her and dad went out into the snow storm. Mom proceeded to use the hammer and broke and damaged the Falcon so bad that my dad had to cover it with plastic and it had to be towed away for repair. My mom had broken every piece of glass of that car on the inside and the outside. Then my dad was gone for a few weeks and the car was towed away a few days later. One day my dad came back with the somewhat repaired Falcon around noon time. He and my mom had talked for several hours. Then we all got into the car and went to get dad's stuff from the house where he had been staying and he was back at our apartment. I remember that my dad had to replace the driver's side mirror and that the radio never worked again from the beating my mom had given it and that she had broke the antenna off it as well. One day many years later I asked my dad what happened back then. He angrily told me to shut my damn mouth and to never ask about it ever again.
My guess is that there was more to it than "car loaning".
They must have found passion again because a year later my baby brother was born and then a few years after that my baby sister was born. They stayed together until he died from lung cancer at 60.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jun 9, 2017 17:36:25 GMT -5
Many on these threads say "you must confess the affair" as part of saving a marriage (SM issues aside and all the work on one self etc. needed). Threads HERE have said that? Funny: I don't think I've EVER seen one. I briefly participated in a site called Surviving Infidelity. The mantra there was "you MUST admit to the affair"; if you didn't buy into this orthodoxy, you were constantly harangued and brow-beaten. I discussed this with my therapist (ages ago). Her honest question was: if the affair is over, what is the point of confessing? If there is an actually REASON to do it, ok, consider it. But if you were "just trying to get it off your chest" -- a guilt thing -- so you could move on and get "back to the marriage" -- then beware that "admitting infidelity out of the blue" is likely to have the OPPOSITE effect. In some sense (she didn't use these words, but it is how I summarize her view): confessing "for the sake of it" is almost a selfish act. Living with the burden of your secret? Tough. No one said you'd get off scot-free from your dalliance. Better YOU bear the burden than inflict the pain on your [otherwise blameless] spouse. Well, that is putting it pretty bluntly. I don't necessarily 100% agree with that... but I do see some deep wisdom there. Yes I may have over stated it. Some responses said "confess the affair" "absolute honesty" and so on. I agree with your position 100%. Confessing and causing pain to the spouse is no good. Absolute honesty with one self . .. ah there is the rub. Ending the Affair and wanting to begin again in good faith and with remorse for past actions. The best way to make amends is to actually MAKE them and do the next right thing and then the next and the next, etc. Good stuff! |
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Post by McRoomMate on Jun 9, 2017 17:39:19 GMT -5
My dad was a department store credit manager. When I was 7 my dad bought a brand new Ford Falcon. When I was 8 one night my mom got a phone call and got very mad. Madder then I had ever seen her in my life. She told us that dad was letting a lady co-worker drive the car while my mom wasn't allowed to. When dad got home, my mom told me and my sister to go to our room. Her and dad had a huge shouting fight. Then my mom started breaking every piece of glass in the apartment. Every glass item in the kitchen and all the glass vases and stuff all through the apartment. My dad was pleading and shouting for my mom to stop it. She found baby and foot powder and threw at him. There was powder covering the apartment. I came out of my bedroom and saw that dad had mom pinned on the couch trying to calm her down. It didn't work. A while later my mom and dad came into me and my sister's room, threw on the light, started pulling stuff out of the dresser and closet and telling us that we were leaving with dad. Then a few minutes later she turned off the light, shut the door and her and dad left back into the living room and proceeded to shout and throw stuff again. Then sometime later my dad left and didn't come back for a few days. Then one snowy Saturday morning, my dad came back and then my mom took us to our neighbor's apartment and told us to stay there. Then my mom got a hammer and her and dad went out into the snow storm. Mom proceeded to use the hammer and broke and damaged the Falcon so bad that my dad had to cover it with plastic and it had to be towed away for repair. My mom had broken every piece of glass of that car on the inside and the outside. Then my dad was gone for a few weeks and the car was towed away a few days later. One day my dad came back with the somewhat repaired Falcon around noon time. He and my mom had talked for several hours. Then we all got into the car and went to get dad's stuff from the house where he had been staying and he was back at our apartment. I remember that my dad had to replace the driver's side mirror and that the radio never worked again from the beating my mom had given it and that she had broke the antenna off it as well. One day many years later I asked my dad what happened back then. He angrily told me to shut my damn mouth and to never ask about it ever again.
My guess is that there was more to it than "car loaning".
They must have found passion again because a year later my baby brother was born and then a few years after that my baby sister was born. They stayed together until he died from lung cancer at 60.
it is posts like yours that convince me again and again. This is the best Blog / Forum in the entire universe. Thank-you very very very much for sharing. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Jun 9, 2017 17:41:12 GMT -5
My dad was a policeman. I was about 13 when he had an affair with the wife of his best friend. He forgot to turn in the hotel key and mom found it in his police jacket. I still remember my dad on his knees crying, begging mom to forgive him. She wouldn't look at him. We thought she was heartless. The four of us were huddled in my room peeking out and listening. We didn't understanding what happened. All we knew was mom was angrier than she had ever been. There was more confusion when our good friends disappeared from our lives. My parents went to catholic counseling, then a marriage retreat. They renewed their vows and appeared to have renewed passion for each other, which grossed us out. Last year while cleaning out clutter in my mom's house I ran across the hotel key. We never stayed in hotels. It brought back the memory of the big fight about a hotel key. Now I understand what it was all about. I understand why our friends disappeared and we were never to mention them again. I can't believe she kept that damn key. Authentic and real anecdote. Very very very therapeutic to read. Many many thanks. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Jun 9, 2017 17:42:34 GMT -5
I just remembered a odd fact: my mom -- for some reason when I was a teen -- brought up marital infidelity out of the blue, and said "your father and I discussed it, and we agreed if it ever happened that we just wouldn't want to know." Or something like that. At the time, I took it in stride -- I guess I was not "aware" enough to question why in the world she just volunteered that information. At the moment.... I'm flabbergasted! (I really don't want to indulge in any conjecture of WHY she said that; please don't bother posting your thoughts on it.) BUT the seed was sewn. I think that little nugget was one of the cobbles that paved the path leading me to the gate where I actually considered stepping outside my marriage. I have told my children and my students - if you ever do something wrong and want to get away with it then you tell no one. Good for your mom! Loos lips sink ships. There is a reason why the ways of the wise call it the "Ancient Virtue of Silence". |
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