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Post by orangepeel on Apr 14, 2017 5:52:34 GMT -5
Hello everyone. The name's Peel. Orange Peel. Which is about as close as I get to James Bond, because I bet he's had sex at some point in the last four and a half years.
My story, as I gather from long-time lurking, is like many others: married for 22 years, at it like rabbits before and after the big day, kids arrive (lovely kids now late teens), a general slowdown, then a massive nosedive and then two years of grudging pity sex before I decided that I wasn't going to be said no to again and so stopped asking. And so sex has totally stopped. My wife doesn't seem to have noticed and barely acknowledges it when I try (admittedly Infrequently) to address the issue. She just carries on blithely while I spend about one waking minute in every six - for four and a half years! - either thinking about it or trying not to think about it. (I was going to add then 'if you know what I mean', but the beauty of this community is that I know you'll know what I mean.)
So, I've done with rationalising this as it doesn't achieve anything - the writ of the mind doesn't extend to the emotions - and to keep my morale up I know this has little to do with me: women are attracted to me, thank God, otherwise I'd shrivel up into a ball of self loathing. But given that sex is now over, and given too that I won't leave my wife or have an affair (it's just not me), I have no option but to face up to this with the support, I hope, of fellow iliasmics like you!
Pleased to meet you all, by the way. I should add that I'm British. I don't know why I said that: must be British guilt at self-disclosure.
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Post by baza on Apr 14, 2017 6:25:46 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Brother orangepeel If you've ruled out cheating and ruled out divorcing at this stage then all that's left is staying. It can help if you can take ownership of that choice. The trick is to cease any temptation you might have to take your missus' inventory and stop any tendency to blame her for the situation. Your choice to stay is on you, not her. She is who she is, just as you are who you are. Probably, the biggest hurdle with this is to accept your missus "as is" without resentment. The resentment factor in these situations is often huge. This "accepting without resentment" is one hell of an ask of oneself. Personally, I tried this "accepting without resentment" option. It was beyond me, I couldn't do it, the resentment won out and created an untenable position. |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 14, 2017 7:24:28 GMT -5
Welcome to the club that nobody wants to be in. I agree with everything that baza said so there's not much more I can add except this is your choice today. I went through a lot of different phases with my choices. I was faithful for 21 of the 23 years of my marriage which were all sexless. Total bait and switch. Then the last 2 years of my marriage I kept going back and forth with stay and cheat vs divorce. Finally the resentment was too much for me and I divorced. I'm happier now. I don't live in as big of a house but I'm happy. |
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 14, 2017 7:48:40 GMT -5
Hello OP
Sorry that you've ended up in this place - it sucks doesn't it (no pun intended)? However it sounds like you're mentally advanced in dealing with the crap. If you've been lurking, then you know the drill: jump in and get to know people, their stories, their survival strategies; offer advice to those who have yet to make it to the place where you are.
There are a few Brits (some expats) on here, including me.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 14, 2017 8:05:58 GMT -5
Welcome brother orangepeel. I agree with what others have said. I tried to stay, w/o resentment, but I could feel myself turning bitter anyway (so after other phases, I left). I love this from you: the writ of the mind doesn't extend to the emotions. That was my trouble, or a cause of some delay. My Ex had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Treatment was grueling, & included removing the whole gland. My mind said I should stay, that it would mean I was a horrible person if I left while knowing the harrowing diagnosis. But my heart/spirit spoke out against all the logic my brain tried to muster. I'm glad you know that we know what you mean. This is the only place on earth (that I found) where we really do know what you're going through. I hope you'll find what you need here. |
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 14, 2017 10:51:04 GMT -5
We're a complex balancing act of needs and urges, mental, emotional and physical: when one - in our case the getting-our-rocks-off one - goes awry, it's crisis time.
It's good advice about owning one's decision: I'm trying to live with the resentment but haven't failed yet. Confucius apparently said that feeling bitterness is like drinking a bottle of poison and expecting someone else to die. How true.
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Post by lyn on Apr 14, 2017 13:05:59 GMT -5
orangepeel Super personal question that you may or may not wish to answer: Why are you staying in your marriage?
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 14, 2017 13:29:11 GMT -5
Oh, the usual: kids, habit, vestigial loyalty, money. But kids mainly.
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 14, 2017 13:30:03 GMT -5
Oh, the usual: kids, habit, vestigial loyalty, money. But kids mainly.
I don't mind personal questions at all.
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 14, 2017 16:09:21 GMT -5
Oh, the usual: kids, habit, vestigial loyalty, money. But kids mainly. Hey orangepeel , but is it fear-driven? "I'm scared that if I leave then the kids will......." |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 15, 2017 22:49:24 GMT -5
Oh, the usual: kids, habit, vestigial loyalty, money. But kids mainly. If your kids are late teens already, does that reason have a clock on it? Or do habit, loyalty and lifestyle create a big enough incentive for you to stay once the kids become less of an issue? |
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Post by deborahmanning on Apr 15, 2017 23:14:46 GMT -5
Oh, the usual: kids, habit, vestigial loyalty, money. But kids mainly. I don't mind personal questions at all. Record scratch.... a Brit that doesn't mind personal questions from strangers? Are you Scottish, or Northern? I lived in the UK for three years and hardly got below the surface of anyone south of Manchester.  Welcome, in any case, to the club no one wants to be in. The banter can't be beat, and when one of us gets out we leave a map for the others. |
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 16, 2017 7:33:21 GMT -5
I can't deny habit and inbuilt loyalty have a lot to do with it. And I know what you mean about the English, especially the southern crew, to which I belong: we are a pretty impenetrable lot!
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 16, 2017 8:23:56 GMT -5
Welcome orangepeel. I picked up right away you were British. The words "lovely children" was a dead giveaway.
You say you aren't the type to have an affair. Neither are 90% of us here. Never say never. As you watch your virility trickle down the drain and as you pass up those lovely ladies flirting with you, you will need to feed that part of you or you will shrivel up into a little ball.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 16, 2017 8:49:26 GMT -5
Oh, the usual: kids, habit, vestigial loyalty, money. But kids mainly. I don't mind personal questions at all. First of all, everyone needs to make their own decisions and follow their own path. Staying for the sake of the kids is a very noble thing to do. You wish to spare them the pain of a divorce. Possibly also the reduction in lifestyle that divorce also often brings. I went down that same thought process for YEARS. I figured I sacrificed my own happiness for that of my kids. I was taught growing up that a man must have a sense of honor. Integrity. Do the right thing. My kids have done nothing to reserve growing up in a divorced home just because I want to get laid. This is my bed (empty as it is) and I need to lay in it. To do otherwise would be to place my physical needs above those of my kids (and even my wife's). So what does an honorable man do? Well he certainly doesn't cheat. Cheating is about as dishonorable as it gets. Better to man up and go the divorce route and leave with my head held high. But I won't so that because I won't put my needs for intimacy ahead of my family. Does any of this sound familiar? Of so it is because there is a ever so thin line between a sense of honor and being a martyr. It took me a long time to realize that. As my kids have gotten older, it occurred to me that the ideal of marriage I was modeling to my kids was far worse than the consequences of a divorce. I had also reached a point where if things stayed the same (only 3 years without sex here) I would go up like a pressure cooker bomb at some point. That's what happens when you hold it all in. I told my wife that I wanted a divorce in January. We told the kids a week ago yesterday. There were tears all around. The world is still spinning. At one point over the past week I asked my 16 year old daughter if she was surprised. She said yes, but had observed she hadn't even seen us kiss in public in 6 years. It has actually been about 13 since my wife has said I love you to me, but who's counting? But THAT is what we were modeling as marriage to our kids. It confirms I made the right decision. If my kids went into marriage thinking what their parents had was NORMAL? I cannot think of any worse harm I could do the allow them to think that as they start their own marriages someday. The point is that often a martyr streak is cleverly disguised as honor. And things seldom end well for the martyrs or everyone around them. Hey just to my brother's and sisters who have chosen to cheat. No judgment here. Just trying to speak to what may be going through brother Orange peel's head. |
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