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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 7, 2017 19:39:35 GMT -5
You're still a youngster. Why are you throwing in the towel? You have 30+ years ahead of you. If I had been aware at age 44 that my marriage was devolving into a sexless wasteland, I would have been at the community college gaining the creds for a career and planning my exit strategy. Two years and an associates degree will get you started. A trade school will get your foot in the door. For gods sake don't wait until you're 56. The sad thing is, I hold an Associates, but I got it in the wrong field (funeral service). Like I said, a long string of poor decisions. In the case of school, it cost $20,000 without any return. I should have gone for rodeo clown  |
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 7, 2017 19:45:08 GMT -5
That situation is absolutely crap DZ. I'm in a similar situation (but much older), so I know it's really hard when you think those are the only 2 options. I'm more concerned about your 'zero self esteem' and lack of energy - are you getting any professional help at all? I know it's difficult to stop the negative self-talk and the catastrophic thinking, but it is possible to get a measure of control over these so that you have a less distorted perspective. I apologize that I'm not familiar with the details of your story, but If you are not seeing a professional, then I think that should be your current priority; if you are, then ask to go through some CBT, DBT and Mindfulness techniques - they will help you. Maybe plan to take the jump in 2-3years and work towards it? It's a goal that you can always move backwards if you need to, but waiting any number of more years just to find yourself in the same position as you are today doesn't give you anything. Having some goals in this will also help with your self-perception. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm just concerned by your post. There is hope, honestly! She doesn't feel like therapy is necessary, and since she doesn't view sex as important, I agree with her. Not because I don't want to fix it, but I kind of view it as, if you don't really want to have sex, I don't want you to go through the motions because an expert tells you that you should. As much as I want her to suddenly have this sexual awakening, a therapist would only talk her into something she doesn't want to do. Hi DZ. I apologize that I wasn't clear in my previous post - I was talking about YOU getting professional help, even if it just allows you to get your thoughts in line, so that you can understand clearly EXACTLY what your WANTS and NEEDS are. At that point, you can figure out how to move forward. |
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Post by solodriver on Apr 7, 2017 19:47:33 GMT -5
Deadzone, That's exactly where I'm at but I'm not ready to give up on my sexuality yet. I'm not giving my refuser the satisfaction of allowing my sex drive to die, just because she did at my age. As a matter of fact I will be addressing a small problem that has recently come up when I see my doctor again so that my sex drive will continue to be good, strong and fun. I have hopes of being with another woman again and to enjoy the joys of sex and intimacy and I want to always be ready when that may happen. I want to be able to have and enjoy sex until I stop breathing!
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 7, 2017 19:56:59 GMT -5
You're still a youngster. Why are you throwing in the towel? You have 30+ years ahead of you. If I had been aware at age 44 that my marriage was devolving into a sexless wasteland, I would have been at the community college gaining the creds for a career and planning my exit strategy. Two years and an associates degree will get you started. A trade school will get your foot in the door. For gods sake don't wait until you're 56. The sad thing is, I hold an Associates, but I got it in the wrong field (funeral service). Like I said, a long string of poor decisions. In the case of school, it cost $20,000 without any return. I should have gone for rodeo clown Your post just made me laugh. I apologize. I know I have a bizarre sense of humor. Oh my, it is darkly funny! |
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 7, 2017 19:57:19 GMT -5
She doesn't feel like therapy is necessary, and since she doesn't view sex as important, I agree with her. Not because I don't want to fix it, but I kind of view it as, if you don't really want to have sex, I don't want you to go through the motions because an expert tells you that you should. As much as I want her to suddenly have this sexual awakening, a therapist would only talk her into something she doesn't want to do. Hi DZ. I apologize that I wasn't clear in my previous post - I was talking about YOU getting professional help, even if it just allows you to get your thoughts in line, so that you can understand clearly EXACTLY what your WANTS and NEEDS are. At that point, you can figure out how to move forward. Sorry, that was my fault for not reading it more closely! I think getting help for myself might be a very good idea. Maybe there is some underlying reason why I stayed up to the point that I became trapped. |
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 7, 2017 20:02:56 GMT -5
The sad thing is, I hold an Associates, but I got it in the wrong field (funeral service). Like I said, a long string of poor decisions. In the case of school, it cost $20,000 without any return. I should have gone for rodeo clown Your post just made me laugh. I apologize. I know I have a bizarre sense of humor. Oh my, it is darkly funny! That's quite acceptable. I have a dark sense of humor, too. But, seriously...a rodeo clown. After all, I'm in Texas. And if I got gored by a bull, well, no more SM suffering. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 7, 2017 20:25:18 GMT -5
Have you ever been to Mesquite championship rodeo? I went to the old one once.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 7, 2017 21:28:18 GMT -5
Have you ever been to Mesquite championship rodeo? I went to the old one once. I went to a big rodeo once about three years ago, but I don't remember if it was in Mesquite. It might have been, actually. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 7, 2017 22:49:26 GMT -5
Your post just made me laugh. I apologize. I know I have a bizarre sense of humor. Oh my, it is darkly funny! That's quite acceptable. I have a dark sense of humor, too. But, seriously...a rodeo clown. After all, I'm in Texas. And if I got gored by a bull, well, no more SM suffering. Where in Texas? Houston here. It's a pretty small state. We might be neighbors! |
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Post by baza on Apr 7, 2017 23:06:46 GMT -5
Well deadzone75 , were you to resolve TODAY that you wanted out, and you started TODAY on getting your legal advice and a start on your exit plan etc, then you might, concievably, be out in two years time or say April 2019. On the other hand, if you give yourself a pass, and just dick about for two years before you start on your exit, you will probably be looking at 2021. Something else to consider. If you spend 2 years sweating blood to try an correct your financial position, 50 cents of every dollar you correct it by will be going straight into your missus' pocket. *If* you got the appropriate legal advice, you might find that you'd be just as well off to start the process sooner rather than later. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 7, 2017 23:43:31 GMT -5
See a lawyer. Tell them you're thinking about 2 yrs from now, but get a consult anyways (these are often free). Or don't tell them the timeframe but see one anyway, so you gain factual information.
Workout, pick up hobbies, start doing things with friends. Find things you enjoy (free things totally count!). Do those things.
Do see a counselor for yourself. Tell them of low self-esteem. There is work you can do to separate your own self-image from the refusing spouse.
If you start the process now, you'll be WAY better off than waiting for 2 years to start.
Save yourself. It's no one else's job.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2017 2:18:47 GMT -5
DZ,
Two years is hardly anytime. Take this time to strengthen yourself emotionally and physically. It's never too late to leave. Think how fast the last two years have gone by.
It pays to be prepared. If it takes you two years to get ahead, then do it. You want to leave with strength and as little stress as possible. This only happens with good preparation.
If you need to find a new vocation, then make this your priority and use your sexual energy to accomplish this.
It sounds cliche but I've learned much more from my loses in life than wins. My SM situation made me a better man. Dig deep and find the will within yourself to move on. Then do whatever it takes to make it happen.
I don't think age really matters. If you're in your 80s and unhappy, then move on. We only live once, don't waste your life on an incompatible partner.
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 8, 2017 3:46:28 GMT -5
I must come clean and admit that I have no exit plan in my SM, because it is not financially possible. Through a series of idiotic moves in my life (which included marriage), I find myself in a situation where it would take (at the earliest) two years before I would be even close to being able to take that leap, when I'm pushing 44. Which means I stay out of convenience in a terribly inconvenient situation. I'm not proud to admit it, but it's the truth. So that leaves me with 1.) Shut up and deal with it, or 2.) Outsource. I have outsourced once in the past, but that was six, seven years ago. I'm 41 with zero self esteem, and at this point I barely have the energy to get myself off, much less go to the trouble of finding a willing outsourcing participant. No questions here, just a realization that I felt the need to post. Sometimes one must be brutally honest, and the truth is I'm too much of a coward to do anything at this point. I'm actually considering spending a lot of money just to find someone that will engage in erotic chat. And I think...is that the best it's going to get until I'm too old to care? Not everyone here has an exit plan or even plans to exit. No shame there. The advice already given however, if you do plan to leave eventually, is good. My advice is never threaten divorce or use it as a weapon unless you mean it. For some of us here seeing the children spread their wings comes first. Yes it sucks, but for me personally it's easier to live day to day than not wonder where I'll be in 5 years. That's not for everyone though.Side note...erotic chat etc is all very well, but what most of us miss here is not 'just' the sex as an act.. It's the intimacy that accompanies it and for me the general intimacy and sharing and true partnership that should be marriage. Also for some of us...me included.. You lose so much respect for your SO that you would rather poke your eye out with a stick than have sex with them. Yep. That's sadly ( or not) where it ends up. I don't just want sex, erotic talk, blah blah...I want it all. A fulfilling, complete relationship. **EDIT...after writing this and glancing at some of the other posts I see you are only 41...yep...as Rhapsodee said " don't wait until you're 56"....those years can roll mighty fast once you're looking back |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 8, 2017 5:43:38 GMT -5
deadzone75 Sorry my friend but I do not believe you are truly trapped. If there is a Will there is a Way. I just picked up the keys to my new apartment 10 miles from where my W lives and yes my savings account is next to nothing and I am taking a big drop in life style but such is the PRICE of FREEDOM. I challenge that you are trapped? Do you live in a country where divorce is forbidden? Why are you "trapped"? I think it may be a question of FINANCES - you do not want to give up current life style? Is your W delibitated and cannot take care of herself? Do you have children? Yes, children can complicate things of course. I divorced my first wife and she was unemployable but thru combination of Social Security and my alimony to her, we still got divorced and I also provided child support. Yes I was pretty much broke for a few years BUT I got my freedom back and focused on healthy strong relationship with my daughter of that marriage. I think the Big "Non-Starter" is the realization that the Divorce is going to be EXPENSIVE - unavoidably so and cost a lot for a few years in both emotion and money (drains soul, heart, and bank account of course - so be it!). But again what is YOUR PRICE for FREEDOM?
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Post by snowman12345 on Apr 8, 2017 8:47:35 GMT -5
My late MIL found love at the age of 80 with a gentleman who was 93. They made each other happy. My son can vouch for that as he caught them naked on the couch one day.
Point is age is a number - not a definition.
Good luck to you.
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