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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 7, 2017 15:00:51 GMT -5
I must come clean and admit that I have no exit plan in my SM, because it is not financially possible. Through a series of idiotic moves in my life (which included marriage), I find myself in a situation where it would take (at the earliest) two years before I would be even close to being able to take that leap, when I'm pushing 44. Which means I stay out of convenience in a terribly inconvenient situation. I'm not proud to admit it, but it's the truth. So that leaves me with 1.) Shut up and deal with it, or 2.) Outsource. I have outsourced once in the past, but that was six, seven years ago. I'm 41 with zero self esteem, and at this point I barely have the energy to get myself off, much less go to the trouble of finding a willing outsourcing participant. No questions here, just a realization that I felt the need to post. Sometimes one must be brutally honest, and the truth is I'm too much of a coward to do anything at this point. I'm actually considering spending a lot of money just to find someone that will engage in erotic chat. And I think...is that the best it's going to get until I'm too old to care?
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 7, 2017 15:30:04 GMT -5
That situation is absolutely crap DZ. I'm in a similar situation (but much older), so I know it's really hard when you think those are the only 2 options. I'm more concerned about your 'zero self esteem' and lack of energy - are you getting any professional help at all? I know it's difficult to stop the negative self-talk and the catastrophic thinking, but it is possible to get a measure of control over these so that you have a less distorted perspective. I apologize that I'm not familiar with the details of your story, but If you are not seeing a professional, then I think that should be your current priority; if you are, then ask to go through some CBT, DBT and Mindfulness techniques - they will help you.
Maybe plan to take the jump in 2-3years and work towards it? It's a goal that you can always move backwards if you need to, but waiting any number of more years just to find yourself in the same position as you are today doesn't give you anything. Having some goals in this will also help with your self-perception.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm just concerned by your post. There is hope, honestly!
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Post by shamwow on Apr 7, 2017 15:52:43 GMT -5
I must come clean and admit that I have no exit plan in my SM, because it is not financially possible. Through a series of idiotic moves in my life (which included marriage), I find myself in a situation where it would take (at the earliest) two years before I would be even close to being able to take that leap, when I'm pushing 44. Which means I stay out of convenience in a terribly inconvenient situation. I'm not proud to admit it, but it's the truth. So that leaves me with 1.) Shut up and deal with it, or 2.) Outsource. I have outsourced once in the past, but that was six, seven years ago. I'm 41 with zero self esteem, and at this point I barely have the energy to get myself off, much less go to the trouble of finding a willing outsourcing participant. No questions here, just a realization that I felt the need to post. Sometimes one must be brutally honest, and the truth is I'm too much of a coward to do anything at this point. I'm actually considering spending a lot of money just to find someone that will engage in erotic chat. And I think...is that the best it's going to get until I'm too old to care? I am 44. I have not gotten laid since I was 41 (outsourcing is a non-starter for me). I am in the middle of the divorce process, and hope to be out by mid-summer. My plan has been 3 years in the making. 3 years ago, I felt the same as you. I literally felt the only way out was death (don't get me wrong, not suicidal or looking to hurt myself). It can be done, brother. But you have to start it. Nobody else can do it for you. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 7, 2017 15:55:44 GMT -5
I must come clean and admit that I have no exit plan in my SM, because it is not financially possible. Through a series of idiotic moves in my life (which included marriage), I find myself in a situation where it would take (at the earliest) two years before I would be even close to being able to take that leap, when I'm pushing 44. Which means I stay out of convenience in a terribly inconvenient situation. I'm not proud to admit it, but it's the truth. So that leaves me with 1.) Shut up and deal with it, or 2.) Outsource. I have outsourced once in the past, but that was six, seven years ago. I'm 41 with zero self esteem, and at this point I barely have the energy to get myself off, much less go to the trouble of finding a willing outsourcing participant. No questions here, just a realization that I felt the need to post. Sometimes one must be brutally honest, and the truth is I'm too much of a coward to do anything at this point. I'm actually considering spending a lot of money just to find someone that will engage in erotic chat. And I think...is that the best it's going to get until I'm too old to care? And if you want erotic chat, I work cheap...and hard (free sample there)  |
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Post by nancyb on Apr 7, 2017 16:03:40 GMT -5
Deadzone75: Define too old to care? I don't think you ever age out of sexuality or at least I haven't. Are you telling me that men pay for erotic chat?? Jeez...I've been giving it away for years.  |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2017 16:18:03 GMT -5
You are never trapped. There is always a way out! Just have faith. Start your plan now. Make baby steps towards it until it becomes a reality.
I hemmed and hawed and was miserable in my marriage for years. But through the help of girlfriends and a good counselor, I began making a plan. It was hazy at first and looked like a pipe dream for a very long time. I almost turned back and gave up many times.
I am now 2.5 years into a 4 year exit plan. (Go me!) My plan involves becoming able to support myself financially as well as growing enough emotionally so that when I leave, it will be from a position of strength.
The surest way to fail is by not trying or by quitting altogether. The way to succeed? Start now and keep plowing forward.
You will get there, so long as you keep working at it.
Never lose hope. Choose change before it chooses you. (Yes, I love my aphorisms - they keep me going!)
P.S. I will be in my late 40s when I leave. It's never too late.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Apr 7, 2017 16:43:05 GMT -5
hello deadzone, please dont lose hope, you're a young guy. I was your age when all this started in my world,and back then no-one to talk to, no internet, no forums. You are not lucky, thats not the word, but you have more resources at your fingertips than us 'old farts' so please dont lose hope. I've only been here a couple of weeks but have learnt alot, the most thing being there are people like you and me out there, both sexes. Its really empowering, for me anyway. I want to meet those guys (well girls in my case lol), because those people that understand this shit, understand you and me. Keep on reading and hanging in there
PS I'm in my 50's. I'm still feeling just the same as I did 25 years ago
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 7, 2017 16:46:06 GMT -5
As Elle says, you are never trapped.
I'll be days from my 59th birthday when I get out. Good for me, my age doesn't matter I'll be out of it - that's what counts.
I'm choosing to be alone rather than lonely and I'm choosing to be poor and free rather than well off and trapped in a loveless, joyless marriage.
Choices to make, decisions to take - big or small they all count - taking them is what matters.
Take heart, get your s**t together and start taking steps; we're all here for you
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Trapped
Apr 7, 2017 17:33:34 GMT -5
lyn likes this
Post by Copernicus on Apr 7, 2017 17:33:34 GMT -5
"...than us 'old farts'... Not too sure who you're talking about here... |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 7, 2017 18:47:16 GMT -5
You are still young. Never give up.
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Trapped
Apr 7, 2017 18:52:53 GMT -5
lyn likes this
Post by deadzone75 on Apr 7, 2017 18:52:53 GMT -5
Thank you for the support. It does help. I think it helps to view things outside these eyeballs. It does give me hope.
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Trapped
Apr 7, 2017 18:55:43 GMT -5
Post by deadzone75 on Apr 7, 2017 18:55:43 GMT -5
Deadzone75: Define too old to care? I don't think you ever age out of sexuality or at least I haven't. Are you telling me that men pay for erotic chat?? Jeez...I've been giving it away for years. Lol! I should clarify...I'm about to spend a lot of money to join a website where you can search for whatever floats your boat. From people who are looking for full outsourcing to just erotic chat. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 7, 2017 18:58:55 GMT -5
You're still a youngster. Why are you throwing in the towel? You have 30+ years ahead of you. If I had been aware at age 44 that my marriage was devolving into a sexless wasteland, I would have been at the community college gaining the creds for a career and planning my exit strategy. Two years and an associates degree will get you started. A trade school will get your foot in the door. For gods sake don't wait until you're 56.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 7, 2017 19:34:16 GMT -5
That situation is absolutely crap DZ. I'm in a similar situation (but much older), so I know it's really hard when you think those are the only 2 options. I'm more concerned about your 'zero self esteem' and lack of energy - are you getting any professional help at all? I know it's difficult to stop the negative self-talk and the catastrophic thinking, but it is possible to get a measure of control over these so that you have a less distorted perspective. I apologize that I'm not familiar with the details of your story, but If you are not seeing a professional, then I think that should be your current priority; if you are, then ask to go through some CBT, DBT and Mindfulness techniques - they will help you. Maybe plan to take the jump in 2-3years and work towards it? It's a goal that you can always move backwards if you need to, but waiting any number of more years just to find yourself in the same position as you are today doesn't give you anything. Having some goals in this will also help with your self-perception. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm just concerned by your post. There is hope, honestly! She doesn't feel like therapy is necessary, and since she doesn't view sex as important, I agree with her. Not because I don't want to fix it, but I kind of view it as, if you don't really want to have sex, I don't want you to go through the motions because an expert tells you that you should. As much as I want her to suddenly have this sexual awakening, a therapist would only talk her into something she doesn't want to do, and at best it would go back to the days when I got laid once every 3 months. Although...once every 3 months would be pretty great at this point. But I think you are right about the negativity. I'm doing it right now and I don't even mean to. Maybe I need to get a handle on that first. |
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Post by solodriver on Apr 7, 2017 19:38:01 GMT -5
You're still a youngster. Why are you throwing in the towel? You have 30+ years ahead of you. If I had been aware at age 44 that my marriage was devolving into a sexless wasteland, I would have been at the community college gaining the creds for a career and planning my exit strategy. Two years and an associates degree will get you started. A trade school will get your foot in the door. For gods sake don't wait until you're 56. Amen Rhapsodee, I wished I had done that as well. |
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