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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2017 10:36:35 GMT -5
I ran across this on the reddit deadbedrooom site & thought I should share it here....
(if your partner is saying or doing any of this, the odds are very high you're headed towards DB hell)
1-If they tell you they don't have much interest in sex.
2-If they have a history which includes abuse they have not dealt with to your comfort level.
3-If you already have a DB, do not move in or marry expecting things will improve.
4-If they have an unhealthy obsession with or aversion to porn, erotic material, or having a conversation about it.
5-If they are hyper: religious, political, obsessed with family, workaholic, ect.
6-If you are their first partner.
7-If they are basically a grown up infant. Includes but not limited to: non stop gaming, heavy stoners, will not help with chores, mom/dad treat them like Jesus, live at home with no tangible plan to leave.
8-If they are heavily depressed and not in control of their issues.
9-If they are breeders, ready to have a kid after the first month of dating.
10-If they fall in love after the first date or sexual encounter. (allowances made for religious people who wait for the right someone).
All to often, they LL/NL partner will tell you, often in nearly so many words they are a DB hazard. The trick is to actually hear what they say.
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Post by Dan on Apr 5, 2017 11:11:07 GMT -5
I dunno. This list is pretty random, IMO.
I guess my wife had some mental abuse issues as a child (living with an angry step father). But I was not made aware of these until well in to the marriage. Likewise, her propensity toward depression was not manifest early in the relationship, so neither would have helped as a predictor
She claims the fact that her father and step-father were alcoholics (which added much stress to her upbringing) made her what she is; but I polled others on EP ILIASM about this, and found plenty of other adult children of alcoholics who stated they had normal or above-average libidos and were the refused partner.
Many of these "signs" just show general immaturity, like "excessive gaming". But -- oddly NOT listed -- are other "bad" obsessions: drinking, gambling, etc. Maybe the underlying thing is that obsessions is a type of selfishness, that detracts someone from caring about their partner... but I don't know how correlated it would be with lack of sex drive. (Doesn't it seem like SOME men "hooked on porn" would be total horn dogs?)
Anyway... take this list for what you will. It isn't very illuminating for me.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 5, 2017 11:19:11 GMT -5
My ex had 4,5,7,8,10
#1- he never said before marriage but signs were there
#3 - signs were there but love is blind and I was naive
Life is better now.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Apr 5, 2017 11:50:28 GMT -5
1, 10 (possibly 2) and used to be 4 and 7
I also have started following dead bedroom... Good God no one relies to all those poor people who want comfort. Sometimes when I read them I just want to smack the poster!
I want to reply to all of them, but I don't want to be a DB stalker, nor do I want my entire reddit comment history to be all in DB hahahah!
I'm so glad we are out to the grown child phase of his life. Interesting list. I would have to say I think this list only applies if you can mark at least 4 items because even I check a few of those boxes hahahah!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2017 12:04:03 GMT -5
My refuser had 1, 4, 5, 6 & 7. Dang! I wish I had seen this list before the wedding!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 5, 2017 12:10:31 GMT -5
My Ex didn't fit nearly any of the items at first. We dated & lived together 8 years prior to marrying. Year 7 of married life, I found out about 4 (but I don't know that high porn use is always unhealthy--his lack of willingness to speak about it was, though).
Not until much later did he develop into 5, 7 & 8.
Still - I see a lot of our refusers have some of the items.
Life just happens though. For my Ex, it was most his unwillingness to share in a solution-oriented conversation about life's issues. We used to talk, at first (nearly 15 yrs!) but it changed. And I couldn't stop him from pulling into himself & leaving me out of his emotional & mental landscapes.
I couldn't have predicted. And I am glad that I didn't become a micromanager of "how he is" - he just is what he is & I'm who I am & we just didn't work together after we didn't.
I still don't REALLY regret the 25 years together. It was a decent run, all in all.
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 5, 2017 12:46:29 GMT -5
MY STBX ticked four of these boxes.
Ho hum... what to do? I regret pretty much most of my marriage but try not to reflect on it too much.
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Post by lyn on Apr 5, 2017 13:27:42 GMT -5
Mostly just 10 for my H at the onset of this debacle.
He glommed onto me good after one date and I let him.
We live and learn I suppose.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2017 14:12:02 GMT -5
Mostly just 10 for my H at the onset of this debacle. He glommed onto me good after one date and I let him. We live and learn I suppose. Lyn, this really made me laugh. Since 10 is someone becoming attached after sex, and the mention of being "glommed on." It just struck me as really funny |
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 5, 2017 18:34:01 GMT -5
11. The wedding night/honey moon had very little sex if any.
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Post by baza on Apr 6, 2017 0:55:53 GMT -5
I think that the checklist gives some good hints on attitudes that may flag a proposed marriage developing into an ILIASM shithole.
So from that perspective - ie advance notice for people considering a marriage, this has potential value.
I'm not sure that the membership (or visitors) actually contain a lot of people who are *considering marriage*. Rather, the membership seems to be people who DID marry - and a large number appear to wish they had not.
Anyway, there were plenty of red flags evident in my deal as the relationship meandered on, eventually into marriage.
And I chose to ignore every last one of them.
And I reaped the consequences of those choices. Some good, some not so much.
In my own case, I think you could have given me an exhaustive list of red flags prior to me getting married, and they would have all been excellent indicators of what was coming....
... and I bet I still would have gone on with it.
"That sort of shit happens to other people, not me" was the attitude I carried back then.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 6, 2017 6:29:45 GMT -5
I agree baza - there were plenty of folks who, from a standpoint of caring about me, asked if I was sure that the age gap wouldn't create problems. My Ex is the age of my oldest brother- 17 years my elder. We had already been together for 8 years by then, though, & I felt the data outweighed their worries. They asked about becoming a stepmom - wasn't it a huge big deal to try to "parent" kids who were not all that much younger than myself? Again - we had already worked out relationships...my oldest stepD is 5 yrs younger, middle girl 10 yrs younger than me, son 12 yrs younger. But they have parents, if been a roommate for almost half of son's life by then - and all signs said it would be ok. Some asked about marrying a divorced man - wouldn't I be jealous sooner or later, of Ex-W1? She was crazy (diagnosed for a short while when me & Ex started dating, untreated a long time later) - no competition, not a challenge for me. In fact one of the first times he & I ever kissed, she thanked me the next day (no lie!). There just weren't ANY objections that anyone had which I agreed were valid "problems" - and really, I think having that it worked out PRETTY well for most of 25 years - it wasn't a mistake I married him. I just think marriages aren't always meant to be forever. I know that's the fairytale society tells us, but I just may not believe that anymore. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 11, 2017 18:08:19 GMT -5
I made my own list of red flags.
--He/she says that they don't need sex to prove their love.
--He/she is uncomfortable talking about sex.
--He/she always seems to be too busy to talk about intimate issues.
--He/she complains that they "just can't suddenly be on the mood".
--He/she rarely or never initiates sex.
--He/she ignores your requests and guidance or refuses to learn how to please you sexually.
--He/she is repulsed or astounded by the things they hear about their peers sex lives.
--He/she is very uncomfortable watching sex scenes in movies.
--He/she complains that sexy outfits are disgusting and that they prefer the mystery.
--It never occurs to him/her to take advantage of alone time to have a quickie.
--He/she has a restriction against public displays of affection.
--He/she has restrictions about what they will and will not do during sex.
--He/She considers masturbation and sex toys kinky and repulsive.
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Post by solodriver on Apr 11, 2017 19:55:11 GMT -5
How many red flags do you think means "GET AWAY!"?
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Post by whuffo on Apr 12, 2017 10:18:14 GMT -5
How many red flags do you think means "GET AWAY!"? One. |
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