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Post by Copernicus on Apr 5, 2017 11:17:09 GMT -5
I realized a while back that when I thought about the future, I didn't see my wife in it in any way, and the plans and goals that are important to me for pursuing my dreams don't align with what she wants out of her life. It's told me everything I need to know about what path my future lays along. Hey CT, totally agree with you. I still haven't had the TALK with my W (although we're edging closer to it every day) but I've reached the point where I 'know', simply because every scenario I see for the future includes my W simply as a co-parent (and maybe friend) at best. We are only a short way in to our marriage counseling, but every session just seems to confirm the decision I've already made - it's over! I think you reach a point where you 'know that you know' and I'm presuming it will be the same regarding the TALK; I'm not sweating about the 'when' and 'how', I'll simply just 'know' that 'now is the right time'. One thing I do picture in my future, though: intimacy and sex! |
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 6, 2017 4:25:37 GMT -5
It would be great if it were like it is in the movies - the dramatic moment when the actor onscreen realises what we in the audience have known for ages; the camera zooms in, his/her eyes widen slightly, the mouth hardens and we all realise that he/she has 'got it'. Everything changes in an instant...
Well, I would venture to suggest that life ain't like that - at least it wasn't for me.
It's as Baza says, the admitting it to yourself is one thing but taking action is an altogether different step and much more vital. How many of us here have/are hesitating on the brink of THE TALK and for how long?
In retrospect I knew it was over quite early on in my marriage. Kneeling on the bedroom floor one day, doing some tidying, I must have been mulling over the state of my marriage when the thought popped into my head "I am never going to have the marriage I want". Even now 20+ years later I can still see myself there surrounded by discarded clothing and boxes, kneeling quite still as the implications sank in; but fear, obligation and guilt are powerful drivers and it was another 20+ years before I asked for a separation earlier this year.
Over those years I moved slowly to the point where, with no excuses left, I 'girded my loins', took my courage in both hands and asked for a separation.
Emotionally, that step cost me a lot to take but I am so relieved I took it.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Apr 6, 2017 12:19:10 GMT -5
I liked the Elephant Journal article on another thread that walked you through imagining if you won a lottery and could do anything with anyone, who in your current life would you retain/keep in your "dream life" you are picturing? I like this "test". Here's how my "sudden lottery win" fantasy goes: I collect my winnings; I pay off every debt we have (house, cars, school loans), put away enough for college costs not-yet-incurred (my younger kids), then give her 50% of what is left, pack up, and go. My parting words are something to the effect of: "send me 50% of the value of the house once you sell it." So... that is pretty telling, no? See, this is one of those things that reinforces I'm not ready to be done with my marriage. When I think lottery winnings, say ten mil. I think about putting 6mil in a low risk investment. Even at 2% average gain (low) that is still $120k a year! I mean really how freaking sweet. Then we could buy the sailboat we have been eyeing (in cash would be a cool feeling) along with anything else we want with the 4mil and sail away into the sunset to explore this enormous world together. Probably Hawaii first, maybe Mexico, down through the Panama Canal... Yup, grand adventures, but always still with him there. *Sigh* I want a bigger boat, why do they have to be so expensive! Hah |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 6, 2017 12:23:30 GMT -5
I have a tremendous feeling of dread about the future. If it is anything like the past 25+ years, I don't think I will be able to endure. I don't think I am prepared to go as yet, but the feeling of imprisonment and hopelessness is overwhelming.
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Post by Dan on Apr 6, 2017 12:30:54 GMT -5
See, this is one of those things that reinforces I'm not ready to be done with my marriage. When I think lottery winnings, say ten mil. I think about putting 6mil in a low risk investment. Even at 2% average gain (low) that is still $120k a year! I mean really how freaking sweet. Then we could buy the sailboat we have been eyeing (in cash would be a cool feeling) along with anything else we want with the 4mil and sail away into the sunset to explore this enormous world together. Probably Hawaii first, maybe Mexico, down through the Panama Canal... Yup, grand adventures, but always still with him there. *Sigh* I want a bigger boat, why do they have to be so expensive! Hah Mrs LM: This is the very purpose of this sort of test: not to push folks to leave their SM, but to help folks like me with as incredible internal battle about the propriety of divorce at all. It is this test that reveals to me my true longings... that they don't include my wife is VERY helpful to me. Your reply indicates you have hope and/or desire for your H. Good! I hope you can work toward resolution. We would be thrilled if you can and do. My cautionary tale is this: I ran on "hope" for the majority of my marriage; not all of it sexless, but sex was THE constant source of disagreement. An enormous amount of loving attention, "good husband behavior", and hope -- as well as every bacon scented candle in the box -- did not help me achieve my desire for greater quantity and variety of sex. Your rosy picture tells me you are hopeful; I hope it is hope well-placed. |
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Post by Dan on Apr 6, 2017 12:31:50 GMT -5
I have a tremendous feeling of dread about the future. If it is anything like the past 25+ years, I don't think I will be able to endure. I don't think I am prepared to go as yet, but the feeling of imprisonment and hopelessness is overwhelming. Just in case you need to hear it: IT IS TIME TO GO. Do it before you evaporate. |
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Post by itsjustus on Apr 6, 2017 14:29:36 GMT -5
1 year separated, 2 years divorced. 3 years happier.
My realization came when I became convinced that my ex wouldn't, and couldn't change herself to what I wanted our marriage to be. Even when it was on the line, after "The Talk"® I realized that her hardest effort just wasn'tenough to make it. Even if she could, it would take so long.... (see smartkat's continental drift comment) That along with the despair of not wanting to die this way. Life's too short to be that unhappy. |
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Post by lyn on Apr 6, 2017 20:53:17 GMT -5
I like this "test". Here's how my "sudden lottery win" fantasy goes: I collect my winnings; I pay off every debt we have (house, cars, school loans), put away enough for college costs not-yet-incurred (my younger kids), then give her 50% of what is left, pack up, and go. My parting words are something to the effect of: "send me 50% of the value of the house once you sell it." So... that is pretty telling, no? See, this is one of those things that reinforces I'm not ready to be done with my marriage. When I think lottery winnings, say ten mil. I think about putting 6mil in a low risk investment. Even at 2% average gain (low) that is still $120k a year! I mean really how freaking sweet. Then we could buy the sailboat we have been eyeing (in cash would be a cool feeling) along with anything else we want with the 4mil and sail away into the sunset to explore this enormous world together. Probably Hawaii first, maybe Mexico, down through the Panama Canal... Yup, grand adventures, but always still with him there. *Sigh* I want a bigger boat, why do they have to be so expensive! Hah I envy your optimism mrslowmaintenance. When one starts planning how they could spend a spouse's life insurance policy? Well..... that's a good indicator of when "it's over". |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 6, 2017 21:13:17 GMT -5
See, this is one of those things that reinforces I'm not ready to be done with my marriage. When I think lottery winnings, say ten mil. I think about putting 6mil in a low risk investment. Even at 2% average gain (low) that is still $120k a year! I mean really how freaking sweet. Then we could buy the sailboat we have been eyeing (in cash would be a cool feeling) along with anything else we want with the 4mil and sail away into the sunset to explore this enormous world together. Probably Hawaii first, maybe Mexico, down through the Panama Canal... Yup, grand adventures, but always still with him there. *Sigh* I want a bigger boat, why do they have to be so expensive! Hah I envy your optimism mrslowmaintenance. When one starts planning how they could spend a spouse's life insurance policy? Well..... that's a good indicator of when "it's over". Actually when you read a post a out planning on spending a spouse's life insurance then say... Hmm I need to get some life insurance on my spouse... Then it's time to leave.  |
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Post by Carol on Apr 6, 2017 22:44:35 GMT -5
I have a tremendous feeling of dread about the future. If it is anything like the past 25+ years, I don't think I will be able to endure. I don't think I am prepared to go as yet, but the feeling of imprisonment and hopelessness is overwhelming. I'm having the same thoughts you are. I'm at the point that I'm dreading the future. My husband is trying to fix his "issues" but I don't have high hopes. At this point I have no desire to be intimate with him ever again. I echo your sentiment of feeling like I'm living in a prison. I can't continue to live like this but right now it's the reality of my life, |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 6, 2017 22:51:54 GMT -5
I have a tremendous feeling of dread about the future. If it is anything like the past 25+ years, I don't think I will be able to endure. I don't think I am prepared to go as yet, but the feeling of imprisonment and hopelessness is overwhelming. I'm having the same thoughts you are. I'm at the point that I'm dreading the future. My husband is trying to fix his "issues" but I don't have high hopes. At this point I have no desire to be intimate with him ever again. I echo your sentiment of feeling like I'm living in a prison. I can't continue to live like this but right now it's the reality of my life, If it is truly a prison then you are the warden. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 7, 2017 15:06:56 GMT -5
I think that it is either when you find yourself always daydreaming about what life would be like without your spouse (positive). OR You realize you just can't live the way you have been living any longer (negative). Both are powerful motivators. MY STATUS: Getting my first apartment now - Signed the lease early this week and getting the keys and moving boxes tomorrow. Should be fully "zip code" therapied by end of April. We had the TALK and decided marriage is over. Divorce and child custody (child focus now for sure) in the works too. Everyone knows her Mother, most of our children except our teen age son (the other 4 do but are much older or younger). Yes this was the Defining moment - Life with FREEDOM and the agonizing teeth pulling realization that I could not go on any more being in a relationship with my W. The Spark was entirely gone - nothing - for many many years - room mates with children and business partners. I also started to pay attention to friends of mine who are in very happy healthy Loving relationships which I am sure has Sex but Also Intimacy. Second, I absolutely will NOT get an "academy award" for acting and pretending in my private life. We tried to "work it out" but I was just repulsed by it. My "Comfort Zone" of my safe stable marriage and situation turned into massive irritation and as they say in some programs PAIN is the TOUCHSTONE of SPIRITUAL PROGRESS which includes getting out of a fear based situation (read my SM) and gathering courage and honesty to go into the unknown (Divorce and seeking new partners etc.). |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 7, 2017 19:37:16 GMT -5
I will be driving and see a nice apartment complex and wonder how much the rent is. I'll read about a town and wonder about the life in that town. Could I find a nice place to live there? In my musings I'm always living alone. I periodically look around my house and think, he can take his ugly teak table, I'll take the kitchen table. He can take the couch and chair. I will take the tables, etc. in these musings, I have no visible means of support.
So yes, I guess that I am divorced in my heart. This has helped me to release my resentment and anger. It's also made it easier for me to live in the situation.
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Post by Dan on Apr 7, 2017 21:58:09 GMT -5
... So yes, I guess that I am divorced in my heart. This has helped me to release my resentment and anger. It's also made it easier for me to live in the situation. Oooo.... I get this. I'm in this phase too: my resentment and anger are LESS than ~two years ago. I imagine it is not that uncommon... but I don't hear it talked about often here. The "I'm pretty checked out" phase, where the spouse thinks things are "going fine" in the marriage... but they aren't. The refused spouse is just at the "I don't give a crap anymore phase, and it is easier to not rock the boat until I'm ready to set sail". Maybe this is the "My Give A Damn's Busted" phase... queue Jo Dee Messina! |
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Post by snowman12345 on Apr 8, 2017 9:01:04 GMT -5
... So yes, I guess that I am divorced in my heart. This has helped me to release my resentment and anger. It's also made it easier for me to live in the situation. Oooo.... I get this. I'm in this phase too: my resentment and anger are LESS than ~two years ago. I imagine it is not that uncommon... but I don't hear it talked about often here. The "I'm pretty checked out" phase, where the spouse thinks things are "going fine" in the marriage... but they aren't. The refused spouse is just at the "I don't give a crap anymore phase, and it is easier to not rock the boat until I'm ready to set sail". Maybe this is the "My Give A Damn's Busted" phase... queue Jo Dee Messina! I have actually found the lack of sex has lead to myself being more free to express my feelings and thoughts. I know there is no longer the potential for lovemaking, so that method (the old carrot and stick) of controlling my behavior is gone. It has made communication better for my part. I can call her on certain behaviors and tell her to knock it off with out fear of reprisal (ain't going to be any sex anyway). So, yes, My Give A Damn's Busted. But I am staying anyway.
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