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Post by baza on Mar 15, 2017 1:13:49 GMT -5
This posting follows from the story - "The Other Shoe" posted a couple of days ago.
The proposition is this -
That you are in an ILIASM shithole - - -
And poses the question - "What Would It Take For You To Leave ?"
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Post by thefullmoon on Mar 15, 2017 5:50:14 GMT -5
This posting follows from the story - "The Other Shoe" posted a couple of days ago. The proposition is this - That you are in an ILIASM shithole - - - And poses the question - "What Would It Take For You To Leave ?" Nothing... I am not going to... |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 15, 2017 5:58:23 GMT -5
Facing celibacy for life. I no longer wanted to outsource and sneak around and I no longer wanted sex with Mr. Bballgirl so in order to have sex a divorce was needed. Just simple logic and a visit to an attorney to see if I could swing it financially.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Mar 15, 2017 6:57:15 GMT -5
The knowing I'd never have sex again if I stayed (I couldn't bring myself to outsource). That and our relationship had deteriorated to roommate status. I was unhappy, and found myself getting irritated easier, and had shut down most of my feelings to make life bearable. I felt I was living a lie; I wasn't *me* anymore. Once I got past the hope that things would change, I had to find my courage to see a lawyer, then more courage to say I wanted a divorce.
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Post by nancyb on Mar 15, 2017 7:27:44 GMT -5
I had my hand forced by my refusers stunning revelation that he wanted the divorce. I am happy with the way things have worked out however. I wasn't very fulfilled in my marriage. It had deteriorated to a roommate status with little intimacy anyways and it just took my ex's courage to state the obvious. 14 years sexless in a 28 year marriage. What a terrible waste of some serious good sex years.
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Post by Dan on Mar 15, 2017 7:45:26 GMT -5
(I still want to have sex and an intimate relationship, but) I no longer wanted to outsource and sneak around and I no longer wanted sex with (my spouse) Yup. I was raised with a VERY strong belief that "divorce is bad/unacceptable/not an option/basically antisocial". While I no longer participate in the religion I was raised in, that sense has stuck with me well into adulthood. But, once I got to this point (see bballgirl 's phrasing) about a year ago, I FINALLY admitted to myself "divorce is the way out of this situation... even for you, Dan." No, I haven't started making exit plans... but that admission was a HUGE hurdle for me to cross. The knowing I'd never have sex again if I stayed .... That and our relationship had deteriorated to roommate status. I was unhappy, and found myself getting irritated easier, and had shut down most of my feelings to make life bearable. I felt I was living a lie; I wasn't *me* anymore.This, too. Once I realized this, it has made it easier for me to accept that divorce is not only the way to a [possible] future intimate/sexual relationship, but it is also the path back to ME. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Mar 16, 2017 8:10:06 GMT -5
I don't think i care enough to leave anymore. Why bother. Maybe someday, but acceptance in the here and now ...
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 16, 2017 8:42:48 GMT -5
One of the strongest "pushes" was the reality that we were giving our 6 teens a terrible example of a loving, working, marriage. Add that on top of what others have already said, and hence, the leaving. Leaving for a better future, a new start for the whole family, including their education.
It was the only way I would have an equal voice when dealing with a controller.
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Post by lyn on Mar 16, 2017 9:42:27 GMT -5
I am leaving and am excited about this new chapter.
The realization that HE is the one with the intimacy aversion issue - and I'm "just" a bystander reaping the harvest of nothing , has made the decision to leave crystal clear.
When I physically exit (mentally, I've exited already), I should have zero debt and enough in my bank account to start living my dreams, somewhere new.
If the S hits the fan before my financial plan has been realized, I'll be okay Better than okay - just go with Plan B which is still so much better than merely existing.
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Post by dinnaken on Mar 16, 2017 15:28:21 GMT -5
This is such a good question; it seems so simple and yet in my mind it defies any simple explanation. Right from the very start my marriage was in difficulties and I recognised that fact. However, I stayed and tried to get things on the right track (because that's what grown-ups do - right?).
A betrayal of trust and little/no intimacy in the marriage inflicted terminal damage but I still didn't leave. In my mind it was such a huge step and, put simply, I was afraid - both for myself and the future of our child.
In the end the final point, where I knew I would someday leave, came very quietly and simply. In a reflective moment I asked myself "Do you want to be happy?" and the answer came back "yes"; I then said to myself "Will you find happiness in this marriage?" and the answer came back "No".
That was the turning point; henceforth it was not a question of 'if' but 'when'.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2017 19:45:42 GMT -5
I remember what finally did it for me.
We were having our 10,000th Talk About the Relationship™. I said that in the previous Talk™, we had both agreed to "try", to compromise with each other.
His reply? "I'm trying as much as I'm going to," or something like that.
He straight up admitted that he wasn't going to try any more than he had before (which obviously hadn't worked.)
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Mar 17, 2017 1:31:30 GMT -5
If he were to cheat on me.
If (obviously this is worst case) our daughter were to pass away (but really, even if the sex was good this would be hard for anyone)
If after I am done with building my career he hasn't changed (or my libido hasn't slowed enough).
If other parts of our relationship change that I think are truly more damaging to our little than a split household with a poor mama.
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Post by snowman12345 on Mar 17, 2017 5:27:07 GMT -5
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jpn
Junior Member
Brrrrrrrrr...
Posts: 75 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by jpn on Mar 17, 2017 8:39:02 GMT -5
The talk will happen, and leaving is inevitable. (so say all of the inside voices of common sense that are screaming to get out)
But the when? What will it take for me to have the talk sooner than later?
Oddly enough, her last marriage also turned into a roommate/friendship situation. They had just one day said they should go their own ways.
But, in our situation, she is 100% happy and wouldn't change a thing... she has everything she wants/needs. I'm miserable, but I don't take it out on other people and I'm always upbeat when I interact with anyone. She knows that I'm not happy about the SM, but that doesn't phase her.
Well, I'm an "over thinker"... probably due to all of the voices. (no, they are not ACTUAL voices people!!!... ish... hehehe)
So what would it take??? I guess, getting up the nerve after taking heed to all of the excellent advice and opinions of everyone here.
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jpn
Junior Member
Brrrrrrrrr...
Posts: 75
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by jpn on Mar 17, 2017 8:40:53 GMT -5
The talk will happen, and leaving is inevitable. (so say all of the inside voices of common sense that are screaming to get out) But the when? What will it take for me to have the talk sooner than later? Oddly enough, her last marriage also turned into a roommate/friendship situation. They had just one day said they should go their own ways. But, in our situation, she is 100% happy and wouldn't change a thing... she has everything she wants/needs. I'm miserable, but I don't take it out on other people and I'm always upbeat when I interact with anyone. She knows that I'm not happy about the SM, but that doesn't phase her. Well, I'm an "over thinker"... probably due to all of the voices. (no, they are not ACTUAL voices people!!!... ish... hehehe) So what would it take??? I guess, getting up the nerve after taking heed to all of the excellent advice and opinions of everyone here. oh... and after I have a chance to talk it all over with the voices.  |
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