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Post by Copernicus on Mar 18, 2017 20:47:35 GMT -5
For me, there are two things preventing me from riding off into the sunset: 1) I have a son who is a high-school junior, 2) Finances. My son will be making his own life decisions soon so I see that as a short-term thing, but the financial aspect is more difficult. Let me put it this way - if we won the lottery jackpot, I'd let her have the whole damn lot just to be able to walk away free.
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Post by baza on Mar 19, 2017 19:56:31 GMT -5
I am reminded of a story by a member of the old EP/ILIASM group from a couple of years back.
This member maintained a position that she could not leave because of kids, finances, and family.
And, she kept to this position for at least a year. She was in her mid 40's, there were two young adult children, and of course, a refuser husband.
The kids and the finances and family considerations were the insurmountable barrier to her getting out.
Suddenly, it emerged that - about 15 years prior - her husband had been behaving inappropriately with one of the kids.
On discovering this, the kids and the finances and the family considerations disintegrated as insurmountable problems.
She kicked the husband out THAT DAY, had divorce proceedings underway within a couple of days and had referred the past incidents to the Cops almost immediately.
Wish I could remember her name so that old story could be seen first hand in the EP archives.
Anyway, point I wanted to get across was this.
"Insurmountable problems" are not "insurmountable" under the right conditions.
She ended up managing these matters quite well.
And, she *could* have managed theses matters quite well even if this bombshell had not gone off.
Under the right circumstances the "insurmountable problems" proved to be "manageable speedhumps".
So if we are facing what seem to be "insurmountable" reasons that prevent us from moving on from an ILIASM shithole, it is as well to keep in mind that the problems are NOT "insurmountable".
Hellishy difficult ? - Yes.
Extremely painful ? - Yep, for sure.
Disruptive and upsetting ? - Absolutely.
But "insurmountable ? - No.
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 20, 2017 5:45:14 GMT -5
The talk will happen, and leaving is inevitable. (so say all of the inside voices of common sense that are screaming to get out) But the when? What will it take for me to have the talk sooner than later? Oddly enough, her last marriage also turned into a roommate/friendship situation. They had just one day said they should go their own ways. But, in our situation, she is 100% happy and wouldn't change a thing... she has everything she wants/needs. I'm miserable, but I don't take it out on other people and I'm always upbeat when I interact with anyone. She knows that I'm not happy about the SM, but that doesn't phase her. Well, I'm an "over thinker"... probably due to all of the voices. (no, they are not ACTUAL voices people!!!... ish... hehehe) So what would it take??? I guess, getting up the nerve after taking heed to all of the excellent advice and opinions of everyone here. oh... and after I have a chance to talk it all over with the voices.  WHEN ? ? ? For me - the Timing for the TALK is when I have enough preparation to move forward. First step will be "zip code" therapy and physical separation followed by then the legal aspects / financial aspects. The key is the PREPARATION - getting finances in order for the move / getting psychologically / spiritually ready for the changes. I am totally aware this will be a roller coaster ride of pain / emotion and like sailing thru a gargantuan hurricane - In the end the preparation will not be perfect and the actual process and events will be I know chaotic and out of my control - so I am getting as solid as I can. All things considered - probably within next 30 days (I have been at this for 3 months now). |
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 20, 2017 5:49:18 GMT -5
Under the right circumstances the "insurmountable problems" proved to be "manageable speedhumps". So if we are facing what seem to be "insurmountable" reasons that prevent us from moving on from an ILIASM shithole, it is as well to keep in mind that the problems are NOT "insurmountable". Hellishy difficult ? - Yes.
Extremely painful ? - Yep, for sure.
Disruptive and upsetting ? - Absolutely.
But "insurmountable ? - No. Oh that should be literally written in stone and honored in a monument for how it works (Pain for Freedom) Right On!!! |
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Post by WindSister on Mar 20, 2017 10:01:31 GMT -5
For me it was waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, sheer panic, realizing that everyone I know and love may leave before me one day (getting to that age when we start seeing more deaths) and I would be left with this one man who barely even KNOWS me - that I would never again feel warm kisses on my neck, receive love-knee-squeezes, wake up cuddling someone who loves me and I love back, experience morning sex, dance in the kitchen, laugh with no abandon about something, anything, everything, wake up excited to spend a Saturday with the man I love, etc... on and on.... To think I would be giving all that up for this loveless, joyless relationship spurred me into FAST action.
Good luck to all.
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Post by reinorchid on Mar 21, 2017 23:19:34 GMT -5
Finances.... I like my house......but I think I like my house more than him....I like that my dog has a big yard....and I love my dog.....all reasons
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Post by shamwow on Mar 22, 2017 8:17:54 GMT -5
For me, this question breaks into two pieces. The first was when I realized that leaving was a possibility and the second was when I decided to pull the trigger.
The possibility of leaving came about when I was in the midst of depression a few years back. I had been working under the "till death do you part" portion of the vows. I literally viewed my marriage as a kind of death sentence. I was never suicidal or thought of hurting myself (please no intervention squad on my doorstep), but it was more of a "well, fuck, this is the best it gets until I die. How in the hell did I get here?" kind of attitude. Like an alcoholic sometimes needs to hit rock bottom, that was my SM rock bottom. When you realize you are profoundly unhappy and that a coffin is the only way out, new possibilities open before your eyes.
It still took a while for me to make it from that point to where I was ready to pull the trigger (let's say another year or so). That moment happened about 6 months after our last futile "talk" about our relationship. I just kind of woke up and and realized that I was no longer in love with her, had no desire to rekindle that love, and was done. That was a little over a year ago. The subsequent year has involved getting my own head right and getting my shit together.
Now, I'm fit, sober, and strong (mentally, physically, and spiritually). I've told her I want a divorce, we have a timetable of late summer, and things are starting to move apace. The road has been bumpy so far, but many of the people on this forum have helped keep me on track. If you're a "lurker", please join the conversation. It really helps. The next giant speed bump is telling the kids. My wife and I are waiting until after Easter for that since then the "family holiday" calendar is pretty much clear. I'm not looking forward to that conversation in the slightest, but this entire experience is teaching me to have hard conversations.
Sham Wow 1.0 was before I met my wife
Sham Wow 2.0 is who I am right before I decided to leave
Shamma Lamma Ding Dong 3.0 will be a force to be reckoned with
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Post by Copernicus on Mar 22, 2017 16:53:35 GMT -5
Sham Wow 1.0 was before I met my wife
Sham Wow 2.0 is who I am right before I decided to leave
Shamma Lamma Ding Dong 3.0 will be a force to be reckoned with
Nice!!
I've got to ask - what's the bike? Looks sweet!
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 22, 2017 18:44:13 GMT -5
For me it was waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, sheer panic, realizing that everyone I know and love may leave before me one day (getting to that age when we start seeing more deaths) and I would be left with this one man who barely even KNOWS me - that I would never again feel warm kisses on my neck, receive love-knee-squeezes, wake up cuddling someone who loves me and I love back, experience morning sex, dance in the kitchen, laugh with no abandon about something, anything, everything, wake up excited to spend a Saturday with the man I love, etc... on and on.... To think I would be giving all that up for this loveless, joyless relationship spurred me into FAST action. Good luck to all. Amen. |
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