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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2016 16:50:48 GMT -5
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke
And we've done nothing over the past 20-years or so. I can see the timeline of changes over the past 26-years because that was when I came to the US, and I remember how it was. Then bit by bit the minority activists started with their "woe is me" act, and society started to change in their favor. Now, it wouldn't be so bad if after getting what they want, they were happy, but they are never happy. Give them equality in marriage, so now they have their ultimate goal...but no...now they need to change cultural norms with the restroom fiasco. I'm telling you that even if they got everything they wanted, they would look for another fight, another cause because they just don't like anything traditional at all. It's an "we always have to upset the apple cart" mentality. They will NEVER stop. This is why some have had enough of having these people in our faces and are pushing back. |
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Post by itsjustus on Apr 29, 2016 16:59:21 GMT -5
I'm at this point as well, Jasiri. And it's disconcerting, to say the least. Your sentence "I don't even have a desire to go back to the "world" really resonates with me. I did withdraw for over a year from friends and family, but knew it wasn't right. In my therapy, we decided I should reach out, even though it was very uncomfortable and try to re-connect with my daughters. It was shocking when they didn't want to reach back....and threw me right back into my safe zone. My work is suffering the same. A lack of focus and attention, like I'd just rather not....and that's not the "original" me. I think like any PTSD survivors, we've got a lot of healing to do. Which begs the question....want a room mate? I'll split the bills!  I can always laugh still.... |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2016 17:17:11 GMT -5
However, there are other things that upset us that are much harder for us to choose. Yesterday was a good example. Yes, I kept telling myself to remain calm and do some mindful breathing, and I'm sure I was actually calmer than I would have been without this technique, but I was still upset. I can't think straight when I'm upset. My thoughts either get muddled or my mind goes blank like zoning out. Trying to choose my mind not going blank does not seem like a choice, it seems to be a chemical reaction to stress in my case...the fight or flight response...which one is immobilized and zoning out response? This only started happening after a full mental breakdown 5-years ago when I pretty much (or my brain did) zoned out 98% of its cognitive capacity. It took months to recover to where I am now, but I was left with an after effect...my mind starts shutting down when faced with too much stress...like my brain is saying, " hey, I've been there, done that, it was bad, so I'm not going there again." Basically a protective measure so I don't lose my mind completely. If I have a choice in not having my mind zone out, I don't know how to do it. It's like a reflex action like when the doctor hits your knee to get a reflex. It's automatic. This is why...and especially during this first year of being single, which was high stress for the first few months...I had to retreat from the world and find some quiet and peace. I'm hoping as time goes on, maybe years, I will heal and return to how my mind used to be. This is why my inner peace is my top priority. Jasiri, I had, and have, the same thing happening to me! I had a breakdown in the middle of trying to repair my former marriage, on the drive to a therapist. I wrote a story about it on EP in fact. I too recovered, and even left the marriage, but I have the same lingering affect. When things get overloaded, when too much stress happens, I get the same brain thing: "hey, been there, done that, it's bad, "we" are shutting down for a bit. Sorry....". Completely automatic. I suppose it's better than the turmoil and tornado of thoughts that went before. But I also found the same thing, that retreating, finding some peace and quiet, helps calm everything. I did that for a whole year shortly after leaving, and now find that some in my family don't understand it or why I was so distant and are now resentful, of all things!! Their lack of empathy and understanding ironically makes me want to check out again... But out of all that, it's true. My inner peace is my top, TOP, priority. Itsjustus, I am sorry you have/are going through it too, and the last thing we need, for our wellbeing and healing, is hostility and lack of compassion from those around us. This makes it even harder, and will impede healing, and can even make our condition worse. I knew I would need 6-months to 1-year just to get to where I am now. It will be 1-year in June. I needed that year, and it was a hard one. I feel the next 12-months will be a higher level of healing, and I do hope my mind will start coming back to its former self by the end of year 2. Let's keep in touch because we understand what it's like to literally lose a part of your mind. You know there is a Buddhist Gatha (like a teaching) that says "Peace of Mind is My Top Priority." I find this and practicing Mindfulness is my anchor. May you be well. {{hugs}} |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2016 17:26:59 GMT -5
I'm at this point as well, Jasiri. And it's disconcerting, to say the least. Your sentence "I don't even have a desire to go back to the "world" really resonates with me. I did withdraw for over a year from friends and family, but knew it wasn't right. In my therapy, we decided I should reach out, even though it was very uncomfortable and try to re-connect with my daughters. It was shocking when they didn't want to reach back....and threw me right back into my safe zone. My work is suffering the same. A lack of focus and attention, like I'd just rather not....and that's not the "original" me. I think like any PTSD survivors, we've got a lot of healing to do. Which begs the question....want a room mate? I'll split the bills! I can always laugh still.... "But I knew it wasn't right." But it was right. It was right for you in that time and that place in those circumstances. Oh, dear, we are always trying to conform to what society wants, or the therapist wants, or the family wants, while disregarding our own inner wisdom. Retreating from the world is not abnormal, in fact it's wise in certain conditions. Healing needs peace and quiet. We need seclusion from the crazy rat race of people if we are to get better. Reaching out and being rejected...well my heart aches for you. How horrible. I know what this feels like. I know it well. You are not alone, and I'm sure there are more like us...warm hearts thrown in with cold hearts. I stay away from cold hearts now. They are not useful to me. |
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Post by itsjustus on Apr 29, 2016 17:45:47 GMT -5
I'm at this point as well, Jasiri. And it's disconcerting, to say the least. Your sentence "I don't even have a desire to go back to the "world" really resonates with me. I did withdraw for over a year from friends and family, but knew it wasn't right. In my therapy, we decided I should reach out, even though it was very uncomfortable and try to re-connect with my daughters. It was shocking when they didn't want to reach back....and threw me right back into my safe zone. My work is suffering the same. A lack of focus and attention, like I'd just rather not....and that's not the "original" me. I think like any PTSD survivors, we've got a lot of healing to do. Which begs the question....want a room mate? I'll split the bills! I can always laugh still.... "But I knew it wasn't right." But it was right. It was right for you in that time and that place in those circumstances. Oh, dear, we are always trying to conform to what society wants, or the therapist wants, or the family wants, while disregarding our own inner wisdom. Retreating from the world is not abnormal, in fact it's wise in certain conditions. Healing needs peace and quiet. We need seclusion from the crazy rat race of people if we are to get better. Reaching out and being rejected...well my heart aches for you. How horrible. I know what this feels like. I know it well. You are not alone, and I'm sure there are more like us...warm hearts thrown in with cold hearts. I stay away from cold hearts now. They are not useful to me. Turns out you are exactly right. I was trying to live up to my own "vision" of myself as the ultra-family man, my vision of what a Grandpa would be, live up to my family's expectations of how I was before, and yes, even the therapist's ideas of what's right. I even knew what you're saying was right after the first family therapy session we all attended, where their resentments came out in the same angry tones of their mother, my ex, which threw me back in my own goals in therapy. Afterwards, I told them I wasn't ready to meet them head on like that, but eventually, family exclusion made me go back. The irony of being rejected...yet again...and facing cold hearts...yet again...after 32 years of that, by my own children was totally lost on them. The last session I essentially did what you said... I am staying away from cold hearts now. They are not useful to me...even if they are my children. |
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Post by itsjustus on Apr 29, 2016 19:16:23 GMT -5
Jasiri, I had, and have, the same thing happening to me! I had a breakdown in the middle of trying to repair my former marriage, on the drive to a therapist. I wrote a story about it on EP in fact. I too recovered, and even left the marriage, but I have the same lingering affect. When things get overloaded, when too much stress happens, I get the same brain thing: "hey, been there, done that, it's bad, "we" are shutting down for a bit. Sorry....". Completely automatic. I suppose it's better than the turmoil and tornado of thoughts that went before. But I also found the same thing, that retreating, finding some peace and quiet, helps calm everything. I did that for a whole year shortly after leaving, and now find that some in my family don't understand it or why I was so distant and are now resentful, of all things!! Their lack of empathy and understanding ironically makes me want to check out again... But out of all that, it's true. My inner peace is my top, TOP, priority. Itsjustus, I am sorry you have/are going through it too, and the last thing we need, for our wellbeing and healing, is hostility and lack of compassion from those around us. This makes it even harder, and will impede healing, and can even make our condition worse. I knew I would need 6-months to 1-year just to get to where I am now. It will be 1-year in June. I needed that year, and it was a hard one. I feel the next 12-months will be a higher level of healing, and I do hope my mind will start coming back to its former self by the end of year 2. Let's keep in touch because we understand what it's like to literally lose a part of your mind. You know there is a Buddhist Gatha (like a teaching) that says "Peace of Mind is My Top Priority." I find this and practicing Mindfulness is my anchor. May you be well. {{hugs}} It is true. The last thing I needed was to be pushed back into an environment of hostility and lack of empathy. I understand that it's a learned trait, one they grew up with, and one I divorced, so I can feel some sympathy and compassion for them. But by the same token, I did actually divorce that, and for a damn good reason. My own self-respect and literally, my sanity. We do both understand what that's like, and I will gladly keep in touch. So as I told them directly at the last session, I am done being demeaned and disrespected. I refuse to go back to being the angry and resentful man they thought I was in the past. I lost myself in that, I won't do that again. Setting boundaries is difficult, but necessary. My gatha to myself is "I am caring and loving, both to myself and those who care for me, though they and I have nothing to offer in return, but our love and care" I think with time and our own mindfulness, we will be just fine. I can feel it everyday. We will be well. {{Hugs}} |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2016 20:01:32 GMT -5
itsjustus This is wonderful: "My gatha to myself is "I am caring and loving, both to myself and those who care for me, though they and I have nothing to offer in return, but our love and care" I think with time and our own mindfulness, we will be just fine. I can feel it everyday. We will be well. {{Hugs}" Yes...we will be well.
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Post by itsjustus on Apr 29, 2016 20:07:38 GMT -5
itsjustus This is wonderful: "My gatha to myself is "I am caring and loving, both to myself and those who care for me, though they and I have nothing to offer in return, but our love and care" I think with time and our own mindfulness, we will be just fine. I can feel it everyday. We will be well. {{Hugs}" Yes...we will be well. |
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Post by jim44444 on May 3, 2016 19:03:16 GMT -5
So now that Target is allowing any gender to use any restroom, I now feel at liberty to loiter in the men's restroom and check out the talent. Do you think some men will feel uncomfortable? But wait a minute...Target said they are doing this to make people feel comfortable. i guess I can add the Gents at Target to my "places to hang out" list. I know this thread took a different tack but I am going back to the original post. Would it not be a simple solution to just have all restrooms as "family" restrooms? No gender designation and 1 sink and 1 stall. Why do we need group restrooms? So the gay guys can peek at my parts? Target is responding to the stupidity of politicians that want to force transgenders to be marginalized in our society. According to the pseudo-religious conservatives Caitlin Jenner must use the male facilities and Chas Bono must use the female facilities. Wow, that should wotk out just spiffy. Again I reiterate, just do away with gender specific restrooms. They are not necessary. When hiking in the Grand Canyon the rest stops had no gender specific restrooms. I did not see a single hiker complaining, they were happy to have them. The only downside is the builders would have to spend a few more dollars. |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 20:15:40 GMT -5
So now that Target is allowing any gender to use any restroom, I now feel at liberty to loiter in the men's restroom and check out the talent. Do you think some men will feel uncomfortable? But wait a minute...Target said they are doing this to make people feel comfortable. i guess I can add the Gents at Target to my "places to hang out" list. I know this thread took a different tack but I am going back to the original post. Would it not be a simple solution to just have all restrooms as "family" restrooms? No gender designation and 1 sink and 1 stall. Why do we need group restrooms? So the gay guys can peek at my parts? Target is responding to the stupidity of politicians that want to force transgenders to be marginalized in our society. According to the pseudo-religious conservatives Caitlin Jenner must use the male facilities and Chas Bono must use the female facilities. Wow, that should wotk out just spiffy. Again I reiterate, just do away with gender specific restrooms. They are not necessary. When hiking in the Grand Canyon the rest stops had no gender specific restrooms. I did not see a single hiker complaining, they were happy to have them. The only downside is the builders would have to spend a few more dollars. Jim, I don't care about politicians or anyone else. I don't want to share a restroom with a man. Hell, I wouldn't want a lover to hear me *tinkle* never mind anything else. Some acts are highly personal, and I'm not the only woman who thinks going to a restroom with men is embarrassing. Call me old fashioned, but I suppose I am. What if I'm on a date and want to use the restroom, and he does too. My God, I'd be mortified going in together. It's indecent and highly embarrassing. How can I make a good impression (or him) when on the first date we know each other's bathroom habits. No thanks! |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 21:15:16 GMT -5
I know this thread took a different tack but I am going back to the original post. Would it not be a simple solution to just have all restrooms as "family" restrooms? No gender designation and 1 sink and 1 stall. Why do we need group restrooms? THIS. Why not just make all restrooms onesies? It would even address Jasiri's concerns about not wanting a man she was out with to be too familiar with her bathroom behaviors. Single cubicle bathrooms with their own doors would solve all the problems. |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 21:52:52 GMT -5
I know this thread took a different tack but I am going back to the original post. Would it not be a simple solution to just have all restrooms as "family" restrooms? No gender designation and 1 sink and 1 stall. Why do we need group restrooms? THIS. Why not just make all restrooms onesies? It would even address Jasiri's concerns about not wanting a man she was out with to be too familiar with her bathroom behaviors. Single cubicle bathrooms with their own doors would solve all the problems. They have those now at gas stations, but they won't work where there are lots of people. There would be lines out of the door with people desperate for that one bathroom. |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 22:02:31 GMT -5
So now that Target is allowing any gender to use any restroom, I now feel at liberty to loiter in the men's restroom and check out the talent. Do you think some men will feel uncomfortable? But wait a minute...Target said they are doing this to make people feel comfortable. i guess I can add the Gents at Target to my "places to hang out" list. I would be flattered if any woman wanted to see me naked at all! LOL |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 23:16:57 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 23:25:50 GMT -5
I know this thread took a different tack but I am going back to the original post. Would it not be a simple solution to just have all restrooms as "family" restrooms? No gender designation and 1 sink and 1 stall. Why do we need group restrooms? THIS. Why not just make all restrooms onesies? It would even address Jasiri's concerns about not wanting a man she was out with to be too familiar with her bathroom behaviors. Single cubicle bathrooms with their own doors would solve all the problems. I wonder if anything today is too absurd to be considered? Onsies in crowded public places? Grand Canyon compared to a department store? I can qualify as a woman just because I say I am? What if I think I'm Napoleon Bonaparte? |
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I can always laugh still....
