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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 8, 2017 12:29:07 GMT -5
Speaking ONLY from my experience - I just cannot stay together for the kids. See this very good read Article. 1) Do I stay together for the kids? 2) Or .. . Do I stay together because I fear being separated from my kids? Quote from the article "two people who aren’t in love with each other anymore are bound to clash, causing unrest, friction and ultimately an uncomfortable environment for children to grow in." Very interesting read here. www.huffingtonpost.com/joe-deprospero/the-unsaid-problem-with-staying-together-for-the-kids_b_6055010.html |
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Post by Dan on Mar 8, 2017 12:38:45 GMT -5
Dan, may I be bold enough to ask, have you spoken with your kids about the divorce option? About "everyone's" well being? Ask for their input in the situation? For me, half my flock will be legally adults in a year. Th other half have a head full of street knowledge. ... "Stay together for the kids" - that is what society, the church, so many say, and there are strong arguments for many reasons -both for and against. : I appreciate the nudge to consider if "staying for the kids" is valid. To directly answer your question: no, I have not chatted with my kids. My older two (in their young 20's) are rather immature, and would really not be able to grasp what I was saying, let alone support me (emotionally) as a peer-adult. (Plus one of the two has some psychiatric challenges of his own.) My other two (high school teens) are reasonably mature... and yet, I'd rather them be off to college where the physical distance will shield them from their mother's grief. There is only ONE friend IRL who both knows my wife and knows I am leaning "divorce"... I think I'll keep it at that, lest my situation repeat the one lyn mentioned recently: Using Caution With Support Network. FWIW: I was quite conflicted on this point about a year ago, and saw a therapist to help me work out my own feelings. Basically, of the eight or so reasons to "leave now vs. leave in three years", she helped me decide that in my heart of hearts I had about seven reasons arguing "leave in three years" and only one solid one to "leave now". I have been very comfortable with that plan ever since. I've mentioned elsewhere, but I'll recap: when I say "I'm staying for the kids", it is 40% because "they need me" and 60% because "I need them". I need to feel like I was the best possible father I can be... and a divorce (and resulting devastated mother) is NOT conducive to me being my best. Yes, I am losing a few years of "dating as a newly single man"; I can never get those years back, I know. But these are the LAST THREE YEARS that my kids will be living with me full time -- it is the loss of THOSE years that I would regret the loss of MUCH MORE than three years of missed dating. I know I'm kicking the can (of divorce) down the road. Is my determination to leave in three years bona-fide? Or am I just gutlessly procrastinating? Or -- worse -- maybe I'm doing actual damage to my psyche/libido/health by staying. Ah, well, who knows. Maybe I'll change my mind/wimp out by then. Maybe I'll stick with the three-year plan. Or, who knows, maybe I'll pull a bballgirl , whose "three year plan" became "time to pull the trigger NOW"! |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 8, 2017 13:49:48 GMT -5
... "Stay together for the kids" - that is what society, the church, so many say, and there are strong arguments for many reasons -both for and against. : I appreciate the nudge to consider if "staying for the kids" is valid. To directly answer your question: no, I have not chatted with my kids. My older two (in their young 20's) are rather immature, and would really not be able to grasp what I was saying, let alone support me (emotionally) as a peer-adult. (Plus one of the two has some psychiatric challenges of his own.) My other two (high school teens) are reasonably mature... and yet, I'd rather them be off to college where the physical distance will shield them from their mother's grief. There is only ONE friend IRL who both knows my wife and knows I am leaning "divorce"... I think I'll keep it at that, lest my situation repeat the one lyn mentioned recently: Using Caution With Support Network. FWIW: I was quite conflicted on this point about a year ago, and saw a therapist to help me work out my own feelings. Basically, of the eight or so reasons to "leave now vs. leave in three years", she helped me decide that in my heart of hearts I had about seven reasons arguing "leave in three years" and only one solid one to "leave now". I have been very comfortable with that plan ever since. I've mentioned elsewhere, but I'll recap: when I say "I'm staying for the kids", it is 40% because "they need me" and 60% because "I need them". I need to feel like I was the best possible father I can be... and a divorce (and resulting devastated mother) is NOT conducive to me being my best. Yes, I am losing a few years of "dating as a newly single man"; I can never get those years back, I know. But these are the LAST THREE YEARS that my kids will be living with me full time -- it is the loss of THOSE years that I would regret the loss of MUCH MORE than three years of missed dating. I know I'm kicking the can (of divorce) down the road. Is my determination to leave in three years bona-fide? Or am I just gutlessly procrastinating? Or -- worse -- maybe I'm doing actual damage to my psyche/libido/health by staying. Ah, well, who knows. Maybe I'll change my mind/wimp out by then. Maybe I'll stick with the three-year plan. Or, who knows, maybe I'll pull a bballgirl , whose "three year plan" became "time to pull the trigger NOW"! I like that- "pull a bballgirl"!  I announced the divorce to my H Summer of 2015 in September, when Summer started I was on an exit plan with 3-4 more years, I had no idea at the start of Summer I would be getting out of my SM but it worked out. You just never know but it worked because I through together a plan very quickly and moved out and was divorced in 4 months. When I put my mind to something I get it done. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 8, 2017 13:58:49 GMT -5
greatcoastal : I appreciate the nudge to consider if "staying for the kids" is valid. To directly answer your question: no, I have not chatted with my kids. My older two (in their young 20's) are rather immature, and would really not be able to grasp what I was saying, let alone support me (emotionally) as a peer-adult. (Plus one of the two has some psychiatric challenges of his own.) My other two (high school teens) are reasonably mature... and yet, I'd rather them be off to college where the physical distance will shield them from their mother's grief. There is only ONE friend IRL who both knows my wife and knows I am leaning "divorce"... I think I'll keep it at that, lest my situation repeat the one lyn mentioned recently: Using Caution With Support Network. FWIW: I was quite conflicted on this point about a year ago, and saw a therapist to help me work out my own feelings. Basically, of the eight or so reasons to "leave now vs. leave in three years", she helped me decide that in my heart of hearts I had about seven reasons arguing "leave in three years" and only one solid one to "leave now". I have been very comfortable with that plan ever since. I've mentioned elsewhere, but I'll recap: when I say "I'm staying for the kids", it is 40% because "they need me" and 60% because "I need them". I need to feel like I was the best possible father I can be... and a divorce (and resulting devastated mother) is NOT conducive to me being my best. Yes, I am losing a few years of "dating as a newly single man"; I can never get those years back, I know. But these are the LAST THREE YEARS that my kids will be living with me full time -- it is the loss of THOSE years that I would regret the loss of MUCH MORE than three years of missed dating. I know I'm kicking the can (of divorce) down the road. Is my determination to leave in three years bona-fide? Or am I just gutlessly procrastinating? Or -- worse -- maybe I'm doing actual damage to my psyche/libido/health by staying. Ah, well, who knows. Maybe I'll change my mind/wimp out by then. Maybe I'll stick with the three-year plan. Or, who knows, maybe I'll pull a bballgirl , whose "three year plan" became "time to pull the trigger NOW"! I like that- "pull a bballgirl"! I announced the divorce to my H Summer of 2015 in September, when Summer started I was on an exit plan with 3-4 more years, I had no idea at the start of Summer I would be getting out of my SM but it worked out. You just never know but it worked because I through together a plan very quickly and moved out and was divorced in 4 months. When I put my mind to something I get it done. That is what is just so AMAZING about you folks - @dan is on the 50 year plan and bballgirl is doing the "Blitzkrieg Divorce approach" - Very very helpful for me (and I am sure many who do not post) to read and learn and ponder and yes all this goes in my data / analysis calculator (heart/mind to be Chinese about it). |
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Post by wom360 on Mar 8, 2017 14:10:23 GMT -5
I'm stuck in stage 7. She wants it more often but the thought will often turn me off.
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Post by Dan on Mar 8, 2017 14:22:56 GMT -5
I like that- "pull a bballgirl"! I announced the divorce to my H Summer of 2015 in September, when Summer started I was on an exit plan with 3-4 more years, I had no idea at the start of Summer I would be getting out of my SM but it worked out. You just never know but it worked because I through together a plan very quickly and moved out and was divorced in 4 months. When I put my mind to something I get it done. That is what is just so AMAZING about you folks - @dan is on the 50 year plan and bballgirl is doing the "Blitzkrieg Divorce approach" - Very very helpful for me (and I am sure many who do not post) to read and learn and ponder and yes all this goes in my data / analysis calculator (heart/mind to be Chinese about it). FWIW, GeekGoddess also went from "found ILIASM/thinking about it" to "got it done" in under a year, if I recall correctly. I think sodone1492 had a similar trajectory, too. I really am attracted to strong women ("get it done" types, confident with their abilities, body, and sense of humor) who also like sex -- as these three women represent. Honestly: I thought I married one! Oops... wrong on both accounts. Maybe I'll do better next time. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 8, 2017 14:56:22 GMT -5
That is what is just so AMAZING about you folks - @dan is on the 50 year plan and bballgirl is doing the "Blitzkrieg Divorce approach" - Very very helpful for me (and I am sure many who do not post) to read and learn and ponder and yes all this goes in my data / analysis calculator (heart/mind to be Chinese about it). FWIW, GeekGoddess also went from "found ILIASM/thinking about it" to "got it done" in under a year, if I recall correctly. I think sodone1492 had a similar trajectory, too. I really am attracted to strong women (you know, the kind to get things done once the set their mind to it) who also like sex -- as these three women represent. Honestly: I thought I married one! Oops... wrong on both accounts. Maybe I'll do better next time. I believe I found EP around March of 2015. I had filed by August (was published in the court public records on my birthday at beginning of that month - what a present to self!). By the time the judge signed, would have been about 11 months since finding the site (& that was even with detours for dick pics & even learning what sexting WAS). What an education I have gotten in just under 2 years! |
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Post by dinnaken on Mar 8, 2017 20:04:37 GMT -5
Hi McRoomMate,
I'm a 'counter-refuser' it wasn't until I found this site that I discovered that I was one but it's a very apt term.
In 26 years, I can remember my wife approaching me for sex once. It might have happened more than that but certainly no more than 2-3 times. Up to the mid-point of my marriage there would be periods of 1-3 years with no sex at all and never any other form of intimacy; all attempts would be rebuffed. Dan summarised the stages very well and my marriage followed those pretty much. Any sex in the intervening years was what I called 'Lie back and think of England' sex, what I learned here was called 'starfish sex'. It made me feel awful and I suspect that it was meant to... Eventually, I thought "This is just another means by which she exerts control and I'm taking it away from her". I became a counter-refuser.
How has that worked out? As the years have gone on, it;s been increasingly difficult but it marked the point at which I wrested control of my life back from her.It really hasn't been fun, however, if the house sale goes through, it's only 6-8 weeks and I'm out of the marriage - I am counting the days.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 8, 2017 23:18:06 GMT -5
... "Stay together for the kids" - that is what society, the church, so many say, and there are strong arguments for many reasons -both for and against. : I appreciate the nudge to consider if "staying for the kids" is valid. To directly answer your question: no, I have not chatted with my kids. My older two (in their young 20's) are rather immature, and would really not be able to grasp what I was saying, let alone support me (emotionally) as a peer-adult. (Plus one of the two has some psychiatric challenges of his own.) My other two (high school teens) are reasonably mature... and yet, I'd rather them be off to college where the physical distance will shield them from their mother's grief. There is only ONE friend IRL who both knows my wife and knows I am leaning "divorce"... I think I'll keep it at that, lest my situation repeat the one lyn mentioned recently: Using Caution With Support Network. FWIW: I was quite conflicted on this point about a year ago, and saw a therapist to help me work out my own feelings. Basically, of the eight or so reasons to "leave now vs. leave in three years", she helped me decide that in my heart of hearts I had about seven reasons arguing "leave in three years" and only one solid one to "leave now". I have been very comfortable with that plan ever since. I've mentioned elsewhere, but I'll recap: when I say "I'm staying for the kids", it is 40% because "they need me" and 60% because "I need them". I need to feel like I was the best possible father I can be... and a divorce (and resulting devastated mother) is NOT conducive to me being my best. Yes, I am losing a few years of "dating as a newly single man"; I can never get those years back, I know. But these are the LAST THREE YEARS that my kids will be living with me full time -- it is the loss of THOSE years that I would regret the loss of MUCH MORE than three years of missed dating. I know I'm kicking the can (of divorce) down the road. Is my determination to leave in three years bona-fide? Or am I just gutlessly procrastinating? Or -- worse -- maybe I'm doing actual damage to my psyche/libido/health by staying. Ah, well, who knows. Maybe I'll change my mind/wimp out by then. Maybe I'll stick with the three-year plan. Or, who knows, maybe I'll pull a bballgirl , whose "three year plan" became "time to pull the trigger NOW"! Hey Dan! I just finished listening to this, I hope it helps you on your journey. I am going to tell my boys that it's okay to say no, and stand up to there mom. That I will back them! |
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