|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Mar 7, 2017 2:38:29 GMT -5
After a near divorce agreement, my W and I had passionate reset sex that quickly turned into blah blah blah.
So my W has made some moves on me later realizing I was serious and sustained seriousness. It is sort of obvious and I said no in terms of body language and the most convincing ways possible.
So yes, now it is I the Counter-Refuser unquestionably (if it were a tennis game the ball is in my court no doubt) and I shall not respond.
So any Counter-Refusers out there and how did you get there? All ears to listen and learn.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Mar 7, 2017 5:10:53 GMT -5
First thing I reckon you can learn in regard to counter-refusing is -
- It won't do a thing about your ILIASM shithole. Nothing.
Second thing -
- It is actually as much about making choices and owning them as it is about anything. Making the choice that there will be no sex in the relationship yourself, you reclaim your sexual autonomy.
It is a subtle, but significant change in thinking, and puts you in ownership.
It's not about revenge.
It's not about your ILIASM shithole.
It is not actually even about your spouse.
It is all about you. Your steps to start reclaiming yourself, making choices, and owning them.
Addendum
Lots of counter refusing is far more basic. You hardly want to be in the same Zipcode as them, let alone in the sack with them.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Mar 7, 2017 5:58:53 GMT -5
After I announced I expected an attempt at reset sex. Never came. I was both disappointed and relieved at the same time. Would have turned it down in any case, though.
Like Baza said, I'm reclaiming myself.
Last weekend, for the ffirst time, I made some long term plans and was truly excited about my future for the first time in years. But that couldn't come if someone else still "owned" me. She still has me for a little while, but the end is fast approaching.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 7, 2017 7:44:54 GMT -5
It's a play for power & control. Reset is a devious tactic. My Ex never really even tried, & that was ok. It kept my path clear. It proves (in my way of thinking) that they consider sex a weapon & that isn't at all what I want from sex. I want shared experience between equals, an expression is deep sensual love & lust - not a dog treat to keep me in line & make me bend to their authority. I will be the authority (the author) of my own sexuality. I agree with baza, too, that it also just comes down to: I only want to have a root with someone who wants me, not someone who wants my wallet, my dishwashing, wants me to behave according to their agenda. I want someone who wouldn't waste years if my life sexless. I want someone who appreciates & desires my sex, sensuality, & satisfaction. I could not find that staying in my SM, & by the end, we both knew we were (now) a mismatch. Don't fall for it & don't feel bad about it. It's a control move & not about a loving expression. I don't want sex that is "given" out of fear. |
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Mar 7, 2017 7:44:57 GMT -5
I only refused my then W once. I was watching TV when she walked in, grabbed the remote, turned off the TV and announced she was "in the mood". She turned and headed for the bedroom. I picked up the remote, turned the TV back on and finished watching the program. That took about 45 minutes or so. When I headed for bed she had already moved to the guestroom where she usually slept. About a week later out of the blue she said "I guess you feel some satisfaction about getting even with me for all the times I've turned you down". I responded "it wasn't about getting even, it was about respect". She had nothing more to say.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Mar 7, 2017 8:00:33 GMT -5
It's a play for power & control. Reset is a devious tactic. My Ex never really even tried, & that was ok. It kept my path clear. It proves (in my way of thinking) that they consider sex a weapon & that isn't at all what I want from sex. I want shared experience between equals, an expression is deep sensual love & lust - not a dog treat to keep me in line & make me bend to their authority. I will be the authority (the author) of my own sexuality. I agree with baza , too, that it also just comes down to: I only want to have a root with someone who wants me, not someone who wants my wallet, my dishwashing, wants me to behave according to their agenda. I want someone who wouldn't waste years if my life sexless. I want someone who appreciates & desires my sex, sensuality, & satisfaction. I could not find that staying in my SM, & by the end, we both knew we were (now) a mismatch. Don't fall for it & don't feel bad about it. It's a control move & not about a loving expression. I don't want sex that is "given" out of fear. ^^^^^^^^ Yes! The challenge I see now is to pass this message on to my kids so they don't go down the path my wife and I have modeled. In many way, it's the most lasting lesson I can teach my children. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Mar 7, 2017 8:04:22 GMT -5
I was a counter refuser. I wanted him for 20 years until one day I no longer did. I was faithful for 21 sexless years, then I outsourced and had incredible sex. After that I could never have sex again with my H because I realized what a selfish man he was and how he just used me for so many years.
|
|
|
|
Post by iceman on Mar 7, 2017 8:34:01 GMT -5
I guess I am sort of counter refuser in that our pattern for sex was that I would initiate, as in asking or even begging to have sex, and maybe 1 time in 20 she would consent. She really didn't want any part of it but she would go along just to shut me up. About 3 years ago I quit asking or attempting to initiate in any fashion. I think this has confused her. She really doesn't know how to initiate, though she could learn if she wanted, and if I'm not going to stubbornly and repeatedly initiate there's very little chance we will have sex. So, in effect, I'm refusing sex. Pretty twisted.
I also refuse affection from her. Lately she has been making attempts at affection. Always in a public place where there would be no chance that I would try to take things farther. They're really small actions. Lightly poking my shoulder or repeatedly rocking into me when would be sitting next to each other. They are so superficial that I find them annoying and I ignore them. I have no desire to reciprocate.
|
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Mar 7, 2017 9:36:22 GMT -5
It's a play for power & control. Reset is a devious tactic. My Ex never really even tried, & that was ok. It kept my path clear. It proves (in my way of thinking) that they consider sex a weapon & that isn't at all what I want from sex. I want shared experience between equals, an expression is deep sensual love & lust - not a dog treat to keep me in line & make me bend to their authority. I will be the authority (the author) of my own sexuality. I agree with baza , too, that it also just comes down to: I only want to have a root with someone who wants me, not someone who wants my wallet, my dishwashing, wants me to behave according to their agenda. I want someone who wouldn't waste years if my life sexless. I want someone who appreciates & desires my sex, sensuality, & satisfaction. I could not find that staying in my SM, & by the end, we both knew we were (now) a mismatch. Don't fall for it & don't feel bad about it. It's a control move & not about a loving expression. I don't want sex that is "given" out of fear. I REALLY needed to read your post @geekgoddess I honestly think you nailed it and that REALLY helps me. Respect. This Forum is just about uncovering the Onion and Mystery wrapped in an Enigma called SM . . . I just keep peeling layers only to find more layers . . . and you just helped get another layer off. You nailed it in my mind. CONTROL MOVE and SEX GIVEN OUT OF "FEAR". BOOM ! ! ! ALL THE POSTS HERE DO. THANK-YOU EVERYONE ! ! ! |
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 7, 2017 10:15:24 GMT -5
This coincidence is great in that the onion recalled DryCreek's note in Magic Apples post. If we hold our nose & close our eyes, you can't tell the difference between an onion & an apple. The onion being an SM. The apple of love (apple of my eye). When we are in denial about the SM, with eyes closed & nose held, it seems like an apple. As we awake, & open our eyes and see what that smell is - it's the onion of an SM. Ok, maybe the analogy doesn't hold - but it did make me think there was something to point out. Glad I could help, McRoomMate - my "self" is my biggest onion but I had to get out of the SM before even getting to the layers I'm working on now. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 7, 2017 10:51:00 GMT -5
How did you get there? It took years. Looking back on the first 10 yrs. of our 24 yrs. together, they were just okay. I can't give you a count! That should say something? Was it weekly, monthly? (it certainly wasn't daily, or even every other day!) There's nothing that memorable about it. I remember having to be the initiator,and dealing with the rejections that made the whole act of intercourse kind of random. I do recall the few times of aggressiveness when it was time to procreate! ( which prooves her capability when it fit her need)
But certain "episodes" with a past girlfriend will always be memorable.
I do remember after our move, (14 yrs ago) a lot of change took place. One of those was the end of sex. that's when I started keeping track. Things went to once a year for ten yrs. Then there was 3 1/2 yrs of nothing. Then I discovered EP after going through a re-set weekend, and coming home with a list of some of the most devastating, heart crushing words, and actions. (over a year ago)
I still was in the FOG. It took being told by fine people on here, and my therapist, that it was over a long time ago. Only then did I become a counter refuser. Some of us are just to damn committed, scared, and laden with guilt!
There was no sexual advances to refuse (just the peck goodbye that I would get) what I refused was to be rejected, disrespected, lied to, taken advantage of, and realize that the only way to find joy was to start gaining ground by serving myself with the help of others around me. To refuse to be manipulated by a controller, and say "no" with words and actions. Hence the divorce.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2017 10:55:34 GMT -5
I really think that "reset sex" or "hysterical bonding sex" is just another attempt at control. As in, "If I have sex with you one time, that means I am NOT a refuser & everything is your fault. My refuser tried this with me, and I was not going to fall for it. It was just another attempt to control me.
|
|
|
|
Post by iceman on Mar 7, 2017 11:21:49 GMT -5
How did you get there? It took years. Looking back on the first 10 yrs. of our 24 yrs. together, they were just okay. I can't give you a count! That should say something? Was it weekly, monthly? (it certainly wasn't daily, or even every other day!) There's nothing that memorable about it. I remember having to be the initiator,and dealing with the rejections that made the whole act of intercourse kind of random. I do recall the few times of aggressiveness when it was time to procreate! ( which prooves her capability when it fit her need) But certain "episodes" with a past girlfriend will always be memorable. I do remember after our move, (14 yrs ago) a lot of change took place. One of those was the end of sex. that's when I started keeping track. Things went to once a year for ten yrs. Then there was 3 1/2 yrs of nothing. Then I discovered EP after going through a re-set weekend, and coming home with a list of some of the most devastating, heart crushing words, and actions. (over a year ago) I still was in the FOG. It took being told by fine people on here, and my therapist, that it was over a long time ago. Only then did I become a counter refuser. Some of us are just to damn committed, scared, and laden with guilt! There was no sexual advances to refuse (just the peck goodbye that I would get) what I refused was to be rejected, disrespected, lied to, taken advantage of, and realize that the only way to find joy was to start gaining ground by serving myself with the help of others around me. To refuse to be manipulated by a controller, and say "no" with words and actions. Hence the divorce. I can really think of only a couple of times that were memorable with my wife in over 20 years of being together. Nothing in at least the last 10 years. On the other hand with my ex, I can think of many memorable times. The difference is that my ex actually likes sex. Too bad the other parts of the marriage didn't work out as well. |
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Mar 7, 2017 11:53:35 GMT -5
It is reasonable to refuse to have sex with a person with someone who demonstrates they don't want to have sex with you.
A single aberration in a long span of sexual avoidance indicates an attempt at insurance against you building a narrative that they are avoidant. It might be once in 3 months, but it WILL be used in their OWN minds as evidence that everything is fine. If you press the issue for more, THAT will be used as evidence of your own excess.
Refusing to participate in the fiction that you are in a sexual or romantic relationship with your partner is an empowering feeling because it is about you becoming authentic about the narrative and the dynamic between you. It relaxes the amount of energy you devote toward maintaining the the fiction of your mutual romantic investment.
The sex that you might have, if you acquiesce - is going to be bad sex. In your partner's mind, it will be privately illustrative of the depth of your disconnection. The issue isn't the sex itself and the amount of it. It's a bit upstream: it's about the desire for sex with YOU.
I balanced myself back and forth on that refusal/acquiesence to reset sex line for a few years. In the end, I found that when I actually stopped sleeping in the same bed as my wife and took measures to fill that time with personal pursuits (rather than going to bed early in the hope that tonight was the night), and removed ALL expectation and pretense, that I slept much better and felt much better about myself. I also noticed that Mrs Apocrypha began to finally realize the seriousness of our situation, in her own way, to the extent she could.
|
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Mar 7, 2017 16:41:34 GMT -5
It's a play for power & control. Reset is a devious tactic. My Ex never really even tried, & that was ok. It kept my path clear. It proves (in my way of thinking) that they consider sex a weapon & that isn't at all what I want from sex. I want shared experience between equals, an expression is deep sensual love & lust - not a dog treat to keep me in line & make me bend to their authority. I will be the authority (the author) of my own sexuality. I agree with baza , too, that it also just comes down to: I only want to have a root with someone who wants me, not someone who wants my wallet, my dishwashing, wants me to behave according to their agenda. I want someone who wouldn't waste years if my life sexless. I want someone who appreciates & desires my sex, sensuality, & satisfaction. I could not find that staying in my SM, & by the end, we both knew we were (now) a mismatch. Don't fall for it & don't feel bad about it. It's a control move & not about a loving expression. I don't want sex that is "given" out of fear. AMEN Sister GG - Preach it!!!!  |
|
