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Post by lyn on Mar 6, 2017 12:57:04 GMT -5
I'm a huge advocate of sharing your sm struggle with a few people very close to you IRL. Especially if you're actively working on an exit plan. HOWEVER, when you do decide to share, be very careful of who you do choose to tell.
As I have unfortunately realized very recently, that the three people in my life that I have opened up to about this (or even just the fact that my marriage is dead and Im planning to leave) have all felt compelled to share with people outside of my immediate support network.
One, yesterday, actually told my Husband. SO....... exit plans are great and all, as long as the information isn't shared with the person you're leaving.
The point of this is really to just be very very careful who you speak to about this IRL. Especially if you're working with a specific timeframe and are planning an exit.
If you do choose to share your situation (which I do think is necessary to a degree) just make sure you swear them to secrecy - something I neglected to do but honestly didn't think was needed.
Sometimes those we care about tend to gossip - maybe not maliciously, but it can sure throw a wrench in your plans.
A little food for thought.
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Post by dinnaken on Mar 6, 2017 13:12:46 GMT -5
Hi Lyn,
I'm sorry to hear that this has happened, it's awful.
Unfortunately, people like to gossip; it's one of the ways that social groups can be glued together. As you say that may not be malicious but simply don't THINK.
I agree that you have to be very careful but it is such a strain NOT being able to tell someone.
How big a setback will this be?
Best wishes
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Post by cagedtiger on Mar 6, 2017 13:25:30 GMT -5
Holy shit, I'm so sorry that happened, Lyn. It's always terrible when somebody you've taken into your confidence betrays that trust.
Is there anybody else you think you'd be able to trust or lean on for support now?
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Post by lyn on Mar 6, 2017 13:52:32 GMT -5
Hi Lyn, I'm sorry to hear that this has happened, it's awful. Unfortunately, people like to gossip; it's one of the ways that social groups can be glued together. As you say that may not be malicious but simply don't THINK. I agree that you have to be very careful but it is such a strain NOT being able to tell someone. How big a setback will this be? Best wishes Hi dinnaken - thank you for your "condolences" - it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when I found out that my dear Mom actually told my H that I'm planning to leave. She, of course, thought she was helping the situation. Thought we could "work through whatever issues" we have. (My mom is currently in the middle of her two week visit with us). Not sure yet as far as the level of increased strain this will put on the immediate situation or the effect it is surely going to have on the exit plan. My H, as many of our spouses are, is incredibly avoidant. The three of us went out to dinner last night, he was acting as he normally does - superficially engaged in the social setting as he, not so covertly, continuously dismissed us by checking game scores on his phone. Par for the course. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2017 13:54:57 GMT -5
Hi Lyn, I'm sorry to hear that this has happened, it's awful. Unfortunately, people like to gossip; it's one of the ways that social groups can be glued together. As you say that may not be malicious but simply don't THINK. I agree that you have to be very careful but it is such a strain NOT being able to tell someone. How big a setback will this be? Best wishes Hi dinnaken - thank you for your "condolences" - it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when I found out that my dear Mom actually told my H that I'm planning to leave. She, of course, thought she was helping the situation. Thought we could "work through whatever issues" we have. (My mom is currently in the middle of her two week visit with us). Not sure yet as far as the level of increased strain this will put on the immediate situation or the effect it is surely going to have on the exit plan. My H, as many of our spouses are, is incredibly avoidant. The three of us went out to dinner last night, he was acting as he normally does - superficially engaged in the social setting as he, not so covertly, continuously dismissed us by checking game scores on his phone. Par for the course. I am so sorry that she told your H. If my mom was still around, I would not have told her because she is so sweet that she might have told to try to save the situation. The only person who did know I was moving out was my sister. She had been telling me I should leave for almost 4 years so I knew she would not be telling anyone. |
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Post by lyn on Mar 6, 2017 13:56:59 GMT -5
Holy shit, I'm so sorry that happened, Lyn. It's always terrible when somebody you've taken into your confidence betrays that trust. Is there anybody else you think you'd be able to trust or lean on for support now? Thanks CT - yeah- it really sucks especially when I consciously avoided this conversation for 11 years with all of my friends and family, and only very recently decided to share it as part of this every changing exit plan. One thing I've decided, I won't share this with anyone else IRL - until after my actual exit which may be happening sooner rather than later. I do have someone in my corner that I do trust would never betray my confidences - thank god. xx |
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Post by lyn on Mar 6, 2017 14:01:32 GMT -5
Hi dinnaken - thank you for your "condolences" - it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when I found out that my dear Mom actually told my H that I'm planning to leave. She, of course, thought she was helping the situation. Thought we could "work through whatever issues" we have. (My mom is currently in the middle of her two week visit with us). Not sure yet as far as the level of increased strain this will put on the immediate situation or the effect it is surely going to have on the exit plan. My H, as many of our spouses are, is incredibly avoidant. The three of us went out to dinner last night, he was acting as he normally does - superficially engaged in the social setting as he, not so covertly, continuously dismissed us by checking game scores on his phone. Par for the course. I am so sorry that she told your H. If my mom was still around, I would not have told her because she is so sweet that she might have told to try to save the situation. The only person who did know I was moving out was my sister. She had been telling me I should leave for almost 4 years so I knew she would not be telling anyone. Thanks Flash - That's exactly what my mom thought she was doing - "helping". This is why I'm not upset with her at all - just the situation. I have asked her to please avoid speaking about this with anyone else - in the most sensitive way possible - I think she "get's it" now . Unfortunately, my sister has decided to the share this with probably dozens of people as I'm now receiving texts from "concerned" friends and exes. Maybe the Universe is trying to tell me something. Hit the bricks much sooner than I had planned. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2017 14:04:53 GMT -5
Thanks Flash - That's exactly what my mom thought she was doing - "helping". This is why I'm not upset with her at all - just the situation. I have asked her to please avoid speaking about this with anyone else - in the most sensitive way possible - I think she "get's it" now . Unfortunately, my sister has decided to the share this with probably dozens of people as I'm now receiving texts from "concerned" friends and exes. Maybe the Universe is trying to tell me something. Hit the bricks much sooner than I had planned. Well, it may be a push to get it done. I definitely thought I was being led to leave. We moved back to my hometown, we had no house, and my daughter had adjusted to college. It seems that it just all came together. Also, a friend sent me this...  |
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Post by lyn on Mar 6, 2017 14:08:55 GMT -5
so completely apropos - I'm saving this. Thank you flashjohn |
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Post by dinnaken on Mar 6, 2017 14:18:57 GMT -5
Hi Lyn,
Your mum can only have thought that she was acting for the best. Even in families, if you are discreet people just don't notice, or if they do, they don't grasp how serious the situation is. In my family two or three of them had concerns that things were not well between my wife and I but none knew how I felt or the reasons behind it, and never will.
This won't have derailed your exit plan, it might slow it down (or speed it up) don't be disheartened.
As you say our spouses can be incredibly avoidant, this is something I couldn't believe until I found this site. I stood in front of my wife and said "I am so unhappy that I have been going to see a marriage counsellor for the past four weeks." thinking that this would make her see how bad things were but no. That conversation was never referred to again... She still said she was shocked when I asked her for a separation.
The bottom line is that 'it' is out there now, the parameters might have shifted a bit but your plan remains the same, I guess.
All the best
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Post by Dan on Mar 6, 2017 14:21:53 GMT -5
One possibility: demure, deflect, dissemble.
If your H brings it up, reply [honestly] with:
"I don't know where you heard that."
or
"Don't pay any attention to rumors; if there is something I want you to know, I'll tell you. Dear."
or
"Why ever would I consider leaving you?"... and let the question hang there.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2017 14:44:12 GMT -5
Lyn, I'm sorry that your trust was broken. Maybe it's time for you to move on. Your husband is very uncaring, if he did not even bring it up. He'll miss you when you're gone. Probably, begging and pleading for you to stay. Just remember how he acted about you leaving when he comes pleading.
When I was at the worse point in my marriage, I wanted to reach out to someone. I never did because I was embarrassed. But really, I did not need things getting back to my wife.
I've not told my family or any of my friends. Once I found this list serve, it helped greatly to have a place to tell someone. If I do decide to exit, I'm not telling anybody. Thanks for reminding me that most people can not be trusted with private information.
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Post by WindSister on Mar 6, 2017 15:06:15 GMT -5
Yikes - sorry this happened to you. It's been said already in this thread, but yes, maybe this is the push you needed to set things in motion more? Of course I say that knowing your full story. Anyway, I hope it leads to positive outcomes for you regardless. I was lucky in that regard as my family supported me leaving and helped me exit. My current husband was alerted by a good friend of his ex preparing to leave, so he prepared as well (saved up thousands of dollars) and when she popped the news, he wasn't all that upset or sad about it but ready as well. Every situation is different, that's for sure but the main thing is that we have to look out for ourselves, ultimately!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 6, 2017 16:03:16 GMT -5
Keep track of your financial info. I wouldn't expect him to bring up the subject of you leaving, but he may sneakily start stashing funds.
If he does bring it up, I'd admit to thinking about it. "I haven't made any plans but of course I have thought about it - lying in bed next to you all those times you wouldn't touch me - you're damn right I have thought about it."
But like others note - it may just be the universe helping you move a pace or two quicker than you had been planning.
I did swear people to secrecy - even the ones I thought I didn't need to - but that's not a guarantee anyway (some people will promise it just so that they can hear the juicy tidbit and then blab anyway)
I'm sorry that your trust was betrayed by the few you entrusted the info to.
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Post by baza on Mar 6, 2017 16:52:53 GMT -5
Goes without saying that you need to pick your mark when it comes to confidential matters.
Personally, I told three people what was about to go down.
Ms enna - obviously.
My Brother - who lived 300K away.
My best mate of 40 years standing - who also lived 300K away.
There were no "leaks".
But my exit plan was solid enough that it wouldn't have made much difference if there had been a leak.
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