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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2017 11:15:42 GMT -5
1. I also have realized that even if I could drag this out a few years, I am profoundly sad and unhappy in my sexless marriage. 2. I was so unhappy that I had an affair, which is so outside of who I thought myself to be as a person. Then, I felt very little remorse for the affair - just entitled. 3. He also suggested the possibility of our living under one roof (even if we do decide to divorce). This would allow us to continue to co-parent, give me time to build some financial security and keep things pretty stable for the kids still at home. Does that idea sound crazy? 1. Of course you are unhappy in a sexless marriage! Any normal person would be unhappy. Don't you understand you have been defrauded? What if someone told you he was selling you a gorgeous Corvette, but neglected to tell you that it had no engine? That is what your H has done. He should have told you about the sexual abuse before you married him so you could make an informed decision. Just like in my case, my STBX should have told me that I would not have sex on my honeymoon, infrequent/low quality sex for 22 years, then 6 years of total celibacy. If I had known that, I would not have married her. 2. I really don't like the term "affair" in this situation. It sounds like you made a capricious decision instead of one made out of desperation. You were in a situation where you had a legitimate need that your refuser should have fulfilled in marriage, yet he decided that he would not. Then much later, the abuse history came out. 3. Living under one roof? Wow, he really wants everything his way, doesn't he? Still wants you to do things his way, even if you divorce him. So what about when your lover wants to spend the night, will he be ok with this? OF course not! This sounds like a person who still wants to control you and your decisions. As to the abuse, it is horrible. However, you don't have to continue to pay for the sins of someone else. There is another member here, Mrslowmaintenance, who was severely abused as a child. But she is the one with the high libido. A person can overcome this if he/she wants to. |
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Post by ballofconfusion on Apr 20, 2017 18:51:30 GMT -5
Thanks flashjohn! I appreciate your supportive words.
He was unaware of his sexual abuse when we married, it really did take him by surprise when he remembered several years ago. What he can be faulted for, however, is not telling me that he was repulsed by the idea of sex. According to him, he just thought he would "figure it out" because he "loved me." He had no idea WHY he felt this way about physical intimacy but he did - and THAT is what he should have discussed with me. I should not have had to feel disgusting and sad because my husband would not be intimate with me on our honeymoon. I would not have married him if he had disclosed these feelings to me - and he did know that. The anger comes in here - but I do not dwell on that. It serves absolutely no purpose for anyone.
At this point, I have asked for a divorce. The situation has gotten somewhat complicated - but the decision is final and I will be proceeding.
The "living under one roof" is really a gracious gesture on his part. It is. I do not yet have a full time job and staying in the home allows me to get some solid financial footing. Of course, as you rightly point out, it would be fairly awkward to date in such a scenario. So, it is certainly less than ideal and meant to be a "stop gap" of sorts until I am able to be completely independent. The other issue is that, at least initially, neither one of us wanted our kids to have to shuttle back and forth between two homes. As the weeks have gone by, it is clear to me that there are worse things in life for the kids. I do not wish to remain in a home with him any longer than is necessary - even if that means the kids are shuttling between two homes for some time.
I don't believe he wishes to control me. I do know he does not want this divorce.
The guilt lessens a bit over time I would imagine. The guilt over the affair - less so. I obviously agree that it was a desperate decision (it was). But, it has hurt him deeply, isn't truly in character for me, and is something I will likely have to explain to my kids at some point (I doubt he will keep my "secret" forever). So, in then end, I hope the kids don't think terribly of me for cheating on their father and then leaving him - after all - they will simply see him as a victim of abuse. They may or may not see me as a secondary "victim" of the abuse he suffered. It is all so sad.
I do feel optimistic about the future and I am certain I am making the right decision - whatever life has in store for me moving forward.
Thank you again! I seldom post on this forum, but I do read. And, everyone here has been immensely helpful. I was able to find the needed courage to leave once I found the courage to POST. That was the hardest thing to do - that first step of actually posting. I'm so happy that I did.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 20, 2017 21:02:16 GMT -5
Talk to a lawyer. In many places, lawyers do not charge for your first visit to them. Depending on where you live, because you were in a long-term marriage, (a marriage longer than 10 years, you may be entitled to half of all of your husband's assets as well as half of the debt. You also may be entitled to alimony. I bet your husband knows these things and that is why he is offering to remain with you after divorce. He is not trying to help you. He is trying to keep money and assets from you.
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Post by ballofconfusion on Aug 3, 2017 15:32:00 GMT -5
This is a long overdue update on my situation. The gratitude I feel for everyone here cannot be expressed strongly enough. I have learned a great deal from reading the posts over the past five months and I know I never would have found the necessary courage to file for divorce without you all. Of course, Shamwow is an integral part of my story, and his support and encouragement have also helped me to "unearth" the strength I needed each step of the way. The journey is far from over for me, but the most important thing is that it has finally begun to be a journey of MY choosing.
Shortly after telling my husband that I was filing for divorce, I started looking for a full time job. I have been a stay at home mom and part time employee for over 25 years, so this was a bit daunting. And, the ideal way to proceed would be to line up the job first, but I guess I don't always follow the "rules." Shamwow gave some great pep talks prior to each round of the interview process and I landed a full time position in my field of work with excellent pay and benefits. My commute is reasonable and there is flexibility to take my daughter to dance after school (she will be driving soon). My first day on the job was this past Monday and, despite feeling a bit like I'm drinking from a fire hydrant, things are going well.
I moved into a three bedroom townhouse last week and the freedom is very new to me - and somewhat unsettling. My first days alone begin tomorrow when my kids will be with my husband for 10 days. To say that I am sad and scared about what this time will look like for me each night would be a massive understatement. My next task is to begin volunteering again - something positive to fill my time and shift the focus off of myself. It is still terrifying. However, the anxiety in the pit of my stomach for so many years has mostly disappeared. I think that around here this is called "zip code therapy." My attorney has sent a proposal for temporary support, although our divorce is not likely to be final until the end of the year as California has a massive backlog in their court system. Is it awful to say that I truly look forward to that day?
The guilt over leaving is gone for the most part. When we told our kids about the divorce in late June, I also disclosed my affair to them (thanks again Shammy for helping me here). Although the affair was no longer ongoing and also was not the reason my marriage was ending, it seemed important that they know. The idea was that if I told them, there would be no other "shoe" to drop later. By telling them everything, they would be able to process, grieve and, finally, begin to heal. Their responses to the divorce and affair were, predictably, somewhat mixed. My oldest son and my daughter forgave me immediately and, though saddened by the divorce, were not terribly surprised since we had disclosed my husband's abuse and our attempts at "counseling" several months prior. My two middle sons had very different reactions. The 17 year old would not speak to me for almost a week (though all is well now). The 19 year old was initially quite angry with me but that anger has now shifted a bit toward his dad whose "money managing" skills have left me with a very sizable debt.
So, in just a couple of short months I am now on my own, my kids are doing reasonably well, I am enjoying a new job, and I anxiously await the temporary support and final agreement. I have to admit that I experience some very good days and some very low days - and that is really just even in the last week since I moved and began working full time. I still have to pass through the sorrow of not having my kids with me for days on end - and try and decide what I want to do with my life and my time (when I'm not visiting Shammy). I am thankful beyond words for him. It is amazing to have found here (online and now in real life) such a good friend - someone to laugh with, cry with, lean on, celebrate with and...well...all of those other fun things we both had missed for a couple of decades in our respective marriages.
I came here looking for people who might understand and empathize. What I found was much more. I didn't plan (at the time of my first post) on leaving my marriage. I didn't plan on Shammy. I didn't plan on doing much of anything other than venting. What I got was a push. It was the one thing I needed the most. Now, I have the opportunity to be truly happy - or at least not unhappy because I'm living what someone else defines as happiness for me.
The open road looks good more days than not.
Thank you all for your candor here.
I still benefit from it and still have much to learn from all of you. Healing takes time. It's nice to have a place such as this to help tend to the wounds. Thank you!
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Post by shamwow on Aug 3, 2017 16:55:54 GMT -5
Stone Sour Lyrics
"Song #3"
If you take a step towards me
You will take my breath away
So I'll keep you close and keep my secret safe
No one else has ever loved me
No one else has ever tried
I never understood how much I could take
Then I saw the worst was over
When I laid my eyes on you
It was all that I could do to know my place
Out of all the vast illusions
Out of all the dreams come true
I was gone until I finally saw your face
If you cried out for more
If you reached out for me
I would run into the storm
Just to keep you here with me
I have gone beyond my years
I've wasted half my life
But I found it all in you
Did I save you?
'Cause I know you saved me too
Let me take a step towards you
Let me feel you in my hands
Let me cross this line and show you where it leads
There's a darkness down inside me
That I know we'll both enjoy
And it's screaming from within to set it free
I have left this bloody nightmare
In my wake but out of sight
All I want is deviation by design
Out of all the past confusion
Out of all the common spite
Just tell me I am yours 'cause you are mine
And if you cried out for more
If you reached out for me
I would run into the storm
Just to keep you here with me
I have gone beyond my years
I've wasted half my life
But I found it all in you
Did I save you?
'Cause I know you saved me too
It doesn't really matter what you do or say
I'm never going anywhere anyway
'Cause when I'm dying for you
I've never felt so alive
If you cried out for more
If you reached out for me
I would run into the storm
Just to keep you here with me
I have gone beyond my years
I've wasted half my life
But I found it all in you
Did I save you?
'Cause I know you saved me too
I know you saved me too
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Post by shamwow on Aug 17, 2017 12:05:11 GMT -5
I love you babe. Keep your chin up!
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 17, 2017 13:22:01 GMT -5
What is the right thing to do for my kids, my husband and for me? How do you weigh these things when the "refuser" wants to be sexual but cannot do so due to past trauma? Do you leave and risk being alone (versus alone in the marriage). I am sad. It seems all options lead to so much pain and unhappiness. Thank you if you have read this far. I feel truly awful for being so selfish. I welcome any and all advice. I don't know what an AP is. Alternative partner, maybe? I would want to know more about the flashbacks. I have a friend of mine who has them, because of sexual abuse as a child, and was able to help her with them. I don't have flashbacks per se, but I have my triggers and ways of disarming them. I think there's hope, but he has to open up to you without fear, and that is extremely difficult for most men. Edited to add: oops, I just read your update. Looks like there isn't hope. Anyway, I'd still like to correspond with your former husband. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 17, 2017 13:30:34 GMT -5
There always is suffering and pain in life along with joys.
The choice you have is sticking with the known pain that is likely to become worse or letting go of a miserable marriage and thus leaving room for more joy.
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Post by ballofconfusion on Aug 17, 2017 15:27:13 GMT -5
What is the right thing to do for my kids, my husband and for me? How do you weigh these things when the "refuser" wants to be sexual but cannot do so due to past trauma? Do you leave and risk being alone (versus alone in the marriage). I am sad. It seems all options lead to so much pain and unhappiness. Thank you if you have read this far. I feel truly awful for being so selfish. I welcome any and all advice. I don't know what an AP is. Alternative partner, maybe? I would want to know more about the flashbacks. I have a friend of mine who has them, because of sexual abuse as a child, and was able to help her with them. I don't have flashbacks per se, but I have my triggers and ways of disarming them. I think there's hope, but he has to open up to you without fear, and that is extremely difficult for most men. Edited to add: oops, I just read your update. Looks like there isn't hope. Anyway, I'd still like to correspond with your former husband. celibatejoe - AP stands for "Affair Partner." I put an end to the physical aspect of that relationship in early February of this year. As I began to grow in intimacy with shamwow, I also stopped contact with my AP via email and phone (and even told my AP of my growing friendship with shamwow). You ask about flashbacks. What I know (and I know very little as my husband shared very little with me - our intimacy was lacking not just physically but also emotionally for the duration of our marriage) is that the flashbacks/memories did not begin until a few months after his mom died. From what he has told me, the death of his abuser (his mom) somehow opened up a flood of painful memories - perhaps at a time when it would be a bit more "safe" for him TO remember. He is triggered by just about anything sexual - whether that be in person or even on television. Evidently, his mom not only sexually abused him by touching him inappropriately (among other things) but she also forced him to watch her with other men, watch her undress, bathe and get ready by applying makeup - all while nude and behaving suggestively. Needless to say, he finds everything about the female body repulsive. For example, he would not look at my naked body for our entire 25 year marriage. He is so traumatized that he finds the idea of sex disgusting. Deep down, I believe he hates women (not entirely his fault and somewhat understandable). My husband's mom was also emotionally abusive, she constantly threatened suicide, she forced him to help her cheat insurance companies by faking a burglary when he was about eleven years old, she was terrible at managing money, she was narcissistic and extremely unstable. I honestly think that therapy will never "heal" him. Until or unless he allows himself to be truly open and vulnerable with a woman, he may never recover. Talking is good for getting a handle on the memories. Talking is good for finding ways to cope with the triggers and to help overcome some of the depression (he is also on medication and has been depressed for all of the years I have known him) he suffers from due to his childhood. Talking is also good know you are not alone. However, talking alone is not enough. In order to truly heal, it is my very strong opinion that he needs to find some way to open up to a woman and, ultimately, allow her to heal him emotionally, sexually and, yes, spiritually. I also am of the very strong opinion that he will never do that because he is so afraid and also because this is not something that he wants or desires for himself. My healing began when I made the decision to ask for a divorce. However, simply getting away from an unhealthy situation is not enough for wholeness and complete "health." What really has helped to save me is finding someone special and beginning to heal each other (that's you shamwow). It helps tremendously to help someone else. It is also an incredible gift to find someone who has been through your "trauma" and who understands in a very unique way how you feel. Then, when the two of you begin to apply salve and to dress the wounds (maybe even re-set a few bones) you are well on your way to "actual" health. You can recover from the deepest of wounds - but it takes more than simply removing yourself from the situation - though that is the all important first step. My husband has stopped therapy. He told me this months ago. He stopped therapy because he was only going as a means to try and get me to STAY, not because he was interested in healing. I appreciate that you may be able to help him, but he will not open up to you. He really will not open up to anyone. He is content as he is. Perhaps he will someday find a female companion for whom sex is not that important and at least he will no longer be as lonely as he likely is since I left. Thank you for reaching out. Is this something that you do for a living - working with trauma survivors and helping with flashbacks? If so, perhaps I could point him in a direction. Please feel free to send me a message if this seems relevant. I no longer feel responsible for my husband's emotional well-being, but that does not mean that I would neglect to send him information that might help him. And I know it is weird on this forum to call him my "husband." However, like shamwow, it feels a tiny bit disrespectful to say STBX. Our divorce will be final by the end of the year (CA stinks in terms of court backlog) and I SO look forward to that day. I am ready to close this chapter for good and to truly be happy. I just do not hate this man. I pity him and I am working on forgiving him. The thing is, for all of these years I also allowed this to go on - so I also have to forgive myself. That is actually a bit harder to do. |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 17, 2017 15:40:29 GMT -5
the death of his abuser (his mom) somehow opened up a flood of painful memories - perhaps at a time when it would be a bit more "safe" for him TO remember. He is triggered by just about anything sexual - whether that be in person or even on television. Evidently, his mom not only sexually abused him by touching him inappropriately (among other things) but she also forced him to watch her with other men, watch her undress, bathe and get ready by applying makeup - all while nude and behaving suggestively. Needless to say, he finds everything about the female body repulsive. I've talked to lots of abuse victims. There's something going on there, a conflict, he can't even tell a therapist. I speculate, and, again, I don't know this man, but I'm thinking it's not that he can't get aroused or is somehow repulsed by a woman's body. I'm thinking he does get aroused quite quickly, but doesn't want to, probably because what he went through at a young age wasn't 100 percent bad. Also, you mentioned healing. There's no "healing" for severe abuse. You just find a way of expressing the shadow within without hurting anyone. That is what I have learned to do, and how I try to help others. I'm glad things worked out for you. I wish you all the best. |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 17, 2017 15:55:29 GMT -5
Thank you for reaching out. Is this something that you do for a living - working with trauma survivors and helping with flashbacks? No, but I've been told I missed my calling. I was in analysis myself for 20 years. I know the process of disintegration and reintegration, about the anima and animus, about the psychic consequences of childhood abuse. Standard Gestalt therapy does not address the split between conscious and unconscious. It never helped me and it will never help him. I'm in California, too, by the way. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 17, 2017 16:02:29 GMT -5
I think that no matter how kindly offered, it could be dangerous to get trauma help from a well meaning non professional.
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 17, 2017 16:08:19 GMT -5
I would prefer distressed people see professionals, but often it's the professionals who are the problem.
I don't pretend to knowledge I don't have. Neither do I judge anyone, nor do I snitch.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 18, 2017 12:29:37 GMT -5
My ex-wife had similar trauma (I prefer not to go into details). It is the initial reason I reached out to ballofconfusion and why we clicked so quickly. In the end, if the person who suffered the trauma does not want to get help to heal themselves (rather than to just hold a marriage together), it will not work. In the end, a spouse who is truly "broken" may not be able be healed. If they refuse to honestly seek help? Well, then it is impossible. In the end, being a victim of such trauma can be horrific. However, it does not give them the right to traumatize another human being. Hence, after a combined total of about 50 years with our respective partners, ballofconfusion and I are finally breaking free from them. Like ballofconfusion , I hope my ex-wife gets the help she needs. I also hope she finds someone who shares her low libido so she is not alone. But I could not continue to martyr myself dragging her kicking and screaming on a journey to nowhere. For now, my task is to continue to heal the wounds my marriage inflicted upon me. I do this with the help of the forum, and, of course, ballofconfusion . I choose to look to the future with optimism and hope. |
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Post by theexplorer on Aug 28, 2017 13:45:11 GMT -5
Best of luck in getting your situation resolved. A SM can cause plenty of pain for many people! |
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