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Post by lyn on Feb 22, 2017 11:37:24 GMT -5
Last night, I had a long talk with a close friend who's in a situation very, very similar to mine- he and his wife actually got married the same day my wife and I eloped, and we were all in the same country at the same time for our honeymoons. They've just started marriage counseling themselves, and he's planning on moving out himself in the next couple of weeks. He told me about his realization that he'd put so much effort and energy into making and keeping a connection with his now-wife that he'd completely and utterly lost any connection to himself and who he is. I shared my own experience in that regard, as most of the time my wife and I were together, I was a stressed, harried engineering student who lived in survival mode. Since finishing school, she'd begun telling me that she was liking me less and less, she didn't think this was the best version of me, that I'd changed since graduating, and she didn't think it was for the better. In therapy I've explored this about me finding "me" again, and I began to realize over the summer that I needed to reconnect with who I am myself, as I lost a lot of that born in school, any in my relationship. That realization has made a world of difference the last few months. Am I damaged? Absolutely. Will I have trust issues and a hard time fully committing emotionally? Definitely- I know that from my own history. However, this is why I'm going to be in therapy for a good long while to come. I have a lot of work ahead of me, i know that, and i welcome it. The tiger released from the circus needs to learn to trust his instincts again, to feel the soft dirt and thick leaves of the jungle under his feet, smell the plants and other animals in the wind, hear birds call trees sway in the breeze, to remind him of who and what he is, remind him of his rightful place in the order of nature. Will this tiger find a tigress to rule the jungle with? I think so. But there won't be any rush. He'll be much more cautious and discriminating, looking for the best possible complement to his own strengths and weaknesses. In the meantime, the hunt will be a blast. I LOVE THIS. So well said. Sounds like you're going to be and do just fine out in the jungle. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 22, 2017 16:18:42 GMT -5
I have 100% Faith that I can fall in love again (maybe I already have) and that all the mistakes in my past relationships (finishing up 2nd marriage plus serious girlfriends before etc.) just give me more experience and now a little older and wiser.
I have much confidence and knowledge that when WE (next Love and I) to get serious that we can make it work.
Tiger nailed it. Take our time, discriminate, enjoy the hunt.
The main thing is stay healthy and fit, LIKE will Attract LIKE, do not give up, Train, Work, Grow, Prosper. The Hunt may come to me with such actions and attitudes.
The worst thing I can do - is go into self-destructive behavior, let myself go mentally and physically. This is the Road to Perdition.
And most importantly - I must always have "SITUATIONAL AWARENESS" be aware of what is going on around - and yes too especially in relationships - I was in denial and completely lying to myself about my Marriage - Truth will set me Free - I know this now from experience.
Such Very good question and posts.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 22, 2017 16:59:38 GMT -5
Pissing myself here! Ffs. Ha ha haaaaaa 😂 Pissing yourself can also result from poor dietary decisions. Like when I accepted a brew in a dentist today right before leaving and getting stuck in traffic! Didnt piss myself....honest! Thats is the hardest thing about my job. Piss stops. I've got well acquainted with fields of sheep all over the North West since I took a job on the road ha ha. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 22, 2017 17:08:14 GMT -5
Pissing yourself can also result from poor dietary decisions. Like when I accepted a brew in a dentist today right before leaving and getting stuck in traffic! Didnt piss myself....honest! Thats is the hardest thing about my job. Piss stops. I've got well acquainted with fields of sheep all over the North West since I took a job on the road ha ha. Do they call you a BAAAAAD girl? |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 22, 2017 17:18:51 GMT -5
Like when I accepted a brew in a dentist today right before leaving and getting stuck in traffic! Didnt piss myself....honest! Thats is the hardest thing about my job. Piss stops. I've got well acquainted with fields of sheep all over the North West since I took a job on the road ha ha. Do they call you a BAAAAAD girl? Ha ha. No. They like me.... coz they sense I don't eat them  |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 22, 2017 17:21:25 GMT -5
Pissing yourself can also result from poor dietary decisions. Like when I accepted a brew in a dentist today right before leaving and getting stuck in traffic! Didnt piss myself....honest! Thats is the hardest thing about my job. Piss stops. I've got well acquainted with fields of sheep all over the North West since I took a job on the road ha ha. lol You had me at "fields of sheep" |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 22, 2017 17:22:56 GMT -5
I haven't ventured into the cow fields yet. They're quite big aren't they. Esp those bloody bulls!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 22, 2017 17:29:39 GMT -5
And notice I said "yet". I have no doubt I'll be pissing at double speed one of these days while a bull charges at me.
It's a good job I've perfected the "power piss". It's what they teach you in mum school. No leisurely urination time once kids are on the scene.
I also developed an asbestos mouth for swift brew glugging. liquid intake and outlet must be performed at top speed when children are loose!
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Post by leifericson on Feb 22, 2017 19:55:59 GMT -5
And notice I said "yet". I have no doubt I'll be pissing at double speed one of these days while a bull charges at me. It's a good job I've perfected the "power piss". It's what they teach you in mum school. No leisurely urination time once kids are on the scene. I also developed an asbestos mouth for swift brew glugging. liquid intake and outlet must be performed at top speed when children are loose! I doubt with children around you ever piss alone. Everyone will be in the bathroom with you. |
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Post by leifericson on Feb 22, 2017 19:58:04 GMT -5
To answer the OP, in short, yes. Definite damage to self esteem, how I look at sex, feelings, patience. None of it is the same. I am still a romantic at heart, just have no outlet for it so its an unused muscle. If you don't use it, you loose it and that goes for lots of things.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2017 21:14:10 GMT -5
So, has your attitude about love or the opposite sex been terribly damaged from being in a SM? I've always been a hopeless romantic at heart and an idealist but my marriage really made me fall from the clouds and hit the hard cold ground of reality with a solid thud. Kind of like Wile E Coyote with the trademark puff of dust on impact. It's kind of sad but I'm just not sure I can fully trust again. My ideals on love are just so terribly shaken. I want to believe so badly that 2 people can care and love for each other without needing to be coerced to treat each other right. Somehow though, it just feels like a sad exchange of needs. Almost like a shallow form of currency exchange. I've always wanted to make my partner happy just because I liked to know that I made her happy. I just wanted the same treatment back. Is that an unrealistic expectation or is this just my SM mind fuck speaking? Anymore, I have the attitude of "what's in it for me" when I give of myself. I haven't given unconditionally in years. Is this just the cold hard facts of life? Is this just the man behind the curtain of love? Am I just seeing love in all if it's greedy and selfish ways? Did I really do things for her unconditionally all those years? Was there actually an underlying expectation of reciprocity that was not even on my own radar? If so, does that make me a bad person? Am I any better than her if I gave with somewhat indirect and unspoken strings attached? Am I even worse since I was always somewhat indirect about my own needs? *sigh* just having a night I guess. *takes another swig of wine* Beeman, hopefully this mood has passed and you're back to feeling optimistic again. I can totally relate to what you're saying though. Maybe it's an INFP trait - hopeless romanticism? I definitely, without a doubt, 100% still believe in true, enduring love. But that's different from the romantic love that always fades and causes all of Hollywood to divorce in a matter of a few years (or at best, several). In order to be enduring, romantic love has to evolve into companionate love (dredge out your psych books from college - it's in there). Companionate does NOT mean sexlessness. There has to be a deep, unconditional, giving nature to that love. Both partners have to be willing to WORK at it, to give even at times when they are not receiving. But not endlessly! It doesn't mean that you should give for years while receiving nothing in return. At some point, you have to get something in return. That was the long answer for this short one: I still have faith in men (they are not all like my refuser). I still believe in love. And, yes, a healthy, peaceful (mostly happy) long-term marriage is absolutely possible.
Never lose hope, my friend. Hope is the last thing that is lost. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 23, 2017 0:53:43 GMT -5
So, has your attitude about love or the opposite sex been terribly damaged from being in a SM? I've always been a hopeless romantic at heart and an idealist but my marriage really made me fall from the clouds and hit the hard cold ground of reality with a solid thud. Kind of like Wile E Coyote with the trademark puff of dust on impact. It's kind of sad but I'm just not sure I can fully trust again. My ideals on love are just so terribly shaken. I want to believe so badly that 2 people can care and love for each other without needing to be coerced to treat each other right. Somehow though, it just feels like a sad exchange of needs. Almost like a shallow form of currency exchange. I've always wanted to make my partner happy just because I liked to know that I made her happy. I just wanted the same treatment back. Is that an unrealistic expectation or is this just my SM mind fuck speaking? Anymore, I have the attitude of "what's in it for me" when I give of myself. I haven't given unconditionally in years. Is this just the cold hard facts of life? Is this just the man behind the curtain of love? Am I just seeing love in all if it's greedy and selfish ways? Did I really do things for her unconditionally all those years? Was there actually an underlying expectation of reciprocity that was not even on my own radar? If so, does that make me a bad person? Am I any better than her if I gave with somewhat indirect and unspoken strings attached? Am I even worse since I was always somewhat indirect about my own needs? *sigh* just having a night I guess. *takes another swig of wine* Beeman, hopefully this mood has passed and you're back to feeling optimistic again. I can totally relate to what you're saying though. Maybe it's an INFP trait - hopeless romanticism? I definitely, without a doubt, 100% still believe in true, enduring love. But that's different from the romantic love that always fades and causes all of Hollywood to divorce in a matter of a few years (or at best, several). In order to be enduring, romantic love has to evolve into companionate love (dredge out your psych books from college - it's in there). Companionate does NOT mean sexlessness. There has to be a deep, unconditional, giving nature to that love. Both partners have to be willing to WORK at it, to give even at times when they are not receiving. But not endlessly! It doesn't mean that you should give for years while receiving nothing in return. At some point, you have to get something in return. That was the long answer for this short one: I still have faith in men (they are not all like my refuser). I still believe in love. And, yes, a healthy, peaceful (mostly happy) long-term marriage is absolutely possible.
Never lose hope, my friend. Hope is the last thing that is lost. "COMPANIONATE LOVE" - yes the Infatuated madness of "In Love" burns off and evolves into this if all goes right. Beautiful post. |
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endthegame
Junior Member
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Feb 23, 2017 10:40:54 GMT -5
Damaged? No way.
Introspection of my flaws came out of my SM. I am exponentially better for it. While striving to become a better version of me I found healthier people became the norm in my social circles. Some were women, and not personality disordered.
I have learned so much about healthy relationships that would have passed me by without a SM.
Never have I lost the ability to trust. But I have gained a finely tuned crazy radar.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 23, 2017 12:41:28 GMT -5
I still love.
My experience with my wife contains nothing that I would generalize to "women". Most dysfunctional marriages end up dealing different cards out, in different combinations, from the same deck.
As for marriage... that's different. I no longer view the institution of marriage as bringing anything to the table. I didn't get married to lose love and become divorced. Being married offered no protection from the dissolution and lack of mutual investment in the relationship. I got married at 30, when we were established and smart enough to know what we were doing. It didn't protect me from anything - no happily ever after, except while I naively believed in the fantasy.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2017 12:52:10 GMT -5
@elle said:
Companionate does NOT mean sexlessness.
THIS.
When did things between us and our refusers get so polarized? Most people, after the first couple of years, are not having sex every day. But why the idea that "mature love," etc., has to mean no sexual buzz at all?
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