|
|
Post by Chatter Fox on Feb 21, 2017 19:24:49 GMT -5
So, has your attitude about love or the opposite sex been terribly damaged from being in a SM? I've always been a hopeless romantic at heart and an idealist but my marriage really made me fall from the clouds and hit the hard cold ground of reality with a solid thud. Kind of like Wile E Coyote with the trademark puff of dust on impact.
It's kind of sad but I'm just not sure I can fully trust again. My ideals on love are just so terribly shaken. I want to believe so badly that 2 people can care and love for each other without needing to be coerced to treat each other right. Somehow though, it just feels like a sad exchange of needs. Almost like a shallow form of currency exchange.
I've always wanted to make my partner happy just because I liked to know that I made her happy. I just wanted the same treatment back. Is that an unrealistic expectation or is this just my SM mind fuck speaking? Anymore, I have the attitude of "what's in it for me" when I give of myself. I haven't given unconditionally in years. Is this just the cold hard facts of life? Is this just the man behind the curtain of love? Am I just seeing love in all if it's greedy and selfish ways? Did I really do things for her unconditionally all those years? Was there actually an underlying expectation of reciprocity that was not even on my own radar? If so, does that make me a bad person? Am I any better than her if I gave with somewhat indirect and unspoken strings attached? Am I even worse since I was always somewhat indirect about my own needs? *sigh* just having a night I guess. *takes another swig of wine*
|
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 21, 2017 19:28:25 GMT -5
whoa, do not give up hope or the possibility of nirvana so easily!! lots of great vibes out there - you need to go out and make it yours.
positive thoughts
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 21, 2017 19:33:15 GMT -5
My negative experience with my wife has never left me with negative feelings about women. For a long time I had negative feelings about myself. But that fog has lifted and I've been reminded lately that I actually am kind of a badass.
Assholes come in all flavors (Hmmmm poor choice of words). Men, women, every race, every creed, every color.
The challenge I have is not thinking all women are assholes. The challenge is not allowing this experience to turn me into one.
|
|
|
|
Post by Chatter Fox on Feb 21, 2017 19:41:33 GMT -5
Assholes come in all flavors *spits out wine* ...lmao. thanks for the much needed laugh! |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 21, 2017 19:46:11 GMT -5
Assholes come in all flavors *spits out wine* ...lmao. thanks for the much needed laugh! Some are cheesy... Some are nutty... Some are fruity. Kinda depends on dietary decisions. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Feb 21, 2017 20:08:29 GMT -5
Q - "So, has your attitude about love or the opposite sex been terribly damaged from being in a SM?" That's an interesting question. For me, the answer is no. I don't feel as if I have been "terribly damaged" by the experience. I sure as shit learned an absolute heap out of the experience though, and I think I am a better person for it, even though the experience itself was not a whole lot of fun. What I always wanted - if the right person came along - was a full on partnership. A relationship of equals who had each others back, and the relationship having the appropriate components to it. Like love, stability, sex, caring, mutual goals, kids, openness, honesty, humour, fun, and a united approach to the shit that life flings at us all from time to time. My marriage initially had some of these components, others dropped by the wayside as time went on. But I never lost sight of what I would have liked - although I had given up on that being achievable in that dynamic, and also figured that this was highly unlikely to ever happen for me in the future. Like I had "missed the boat". And although I wasn't happy about that, I had come to terms with it. Sort of. A series of random events, a number of challenging choices, and a bit of blind luck, and here I am today. Eight years on and in a relationship that delivers everything I wanted. A real partnership, with all the components. I think I am a better partner now than I ever could have been as a result of what I learned out of my ILIASM deal. Pity that it took me in to my mid 50's for this to happen. "Terribly damaged"  ?? I don't think so, but definitely banged up a bit, and still with a lot to learn. |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on Feb 22, 2017 3:10:44 GMT -5
We all have these day@Beeman where everything just sucks. Days where we question everything about ourselves. "Why doesn't my spouse love me?", "What did I do Wrong?", "Am I just basically an a-hole that doesn't deserve love because I suck?". These types of questions that seem like great questions, but come about on the worst of days.
This is normal.
What isn't "normal", is being in a relationship where your partner has no desire to maintain intimacy & sex, thus, zero regard for your health & well-being.
When intimacy is withheld by one partner in the marriage, it will always always always fuck with the brain of the thst second partner, in our cases commonly known as "The Refused". We, my dear, are all in this big annoying boat with you. We've all asked ourselves these questions, or similar, on our bad days too, over and over again.
Here's the kicker; we will NEVER be able to answer these questions, so we might as well stop asking. Might as well free up our energy to start taking ourselves back. Taking steps to living the lives that we actually do deserve - a GREAT life - a FULFILLING life - a HAPPY life.
It's not just going to appear I don't think. Probably need to do something different. Go and seek out this life, whether you decide to stay in the marriage or not. No one is going to do it for us. Time to take it back.
|
|
|
|
Post by lyn on Feb 22, 2017 3:14:36 GMT -5
To answer the original question -
I still believe in love, however, I no longer believe in undying love.
I definitely still love men - definitely an understatement.
Marriage? Meh
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Feb 22, 2017 6:24:38 GMT -5
Terribly damaged? Afraid that I will get fooled again. That one is going to take a healing process.
Kind of like Charlie brown and the football.
|
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 22, 2017 8:59:37 GMT -5
*spits out wine* ...lmao. thanks for the much needed laugh! Some are cheesy... Some are nutty... Some are fruity. Kinda depends on dietary decisions. Pissing myself here! Ffs. Ha ha haaaaaa 😂 |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 22, 2017 9:00:14 GMT -5
Ain't nobody fooling me again. I've learned from my mistake. She says.....
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 22, 2017 9:13:42 GMT -5
Some are cheesy... Some are nutty... Some are fruity. Kinda depends on dietary decisions. Pissing myself here! Ffs. Ha ha haaaaaa 😂 Pissing yourself can also result from poor dietary decisions. |
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Feb 22, 2017 9:38:11 GMT -5
Last night, I had a long talk with a close friend who's in a situation very, very similar to mine- he and his wife actually got married the same day my wife and I eloped, and we were all in the same country at the same time for our honeymoons. They've just started marriage counseling themselves, and he's planning on moving out himself in the next couple of weeks.
He told me about his realization that he'd put so much effort and energy into making and keeping a connection with his now-wife that he'd completely and utterly lost any connection to himself and who he is. I shared my own experience in that regard, as most of the time my wife and I were together, I was a stressed, harried engineering student who lived in survival mode. Since finishing school, she'd begun telling me that she was liking me less and less, she didn't think this was the best version of me, that I'd changed since graduating, and she didn't think it was for the better. In therapy I've explored this about me finding "me" again, and I began to realize over the summer that I needed to reconnect with who I am myself, as I lost a lot of that born in school, any in my relationship. That realization has made a world of difference the last few months.
Am I damaged? Absolutely. Will I have trust issues and a hard time fully committing emotionally? Definitely- I know that from my own history. However, this is why I'm going to be in therapy for a good long while to come. I have a lot of work ahead of me, i know that, and i welcome it. The tiger released from the circus needs to learn to trust his instincts again, to feel the soft dirt and thick leaves of the jungle under his feet, smell the plants and other animals in the wind, hear birds call trees sway in the breeze, to remind him of who and what he is, remind him of his rightful place in the order of nature.
Will this tiger find a tigress to rule the jungle with? I think so. But there won't be any rush. He'll be much more cautious and discriminating, looking for the best possible complement to his own strengths and weaknesses.
In the meantime, the hunt will be a blast.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Feb 22, 2017 9:40:26 GMT -5
No, my attitude about the opposite sex was not terribly shaken and I still believe in love and marriage (I am remarried 1.5 years now). It's not marriage's fault. It's not love's fault. It's not women's/men's fault. It was the dynamics of the two of you - a dysfunctional partnership. We'd love to solely blame the other but truth is, our own behaviors allowed/enabled certain things - maybe some felt they didn't deserve better, or couldn't get better or they were trying to protect themselves somehow, or maybe deep down afraid of intimacy/vulnerability themselves.
But in a partnership, the dynamics of the TWO working, or not working, together determine the outcome.
When you get out - and away - and BREATHE, things start to make sense. A wise person will take the lessons and let it change them in a positive way and not let bitterness take root.
You CAN enjoy a beautiful love with someone again that will last. It's perfectly possible. I know I am.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Feb 22, 2017 11:29:42 GMT -5
Last night, I had a long talk with a close friend who's in a situation very, very similar to mine- he and his wife actually got married the same day my wife and I eloped, and we were all in the same country at the same time for our honeymoons. They've just started marriage counseling themselves, and he's planning on moving out himself in the next couple of weeks. He told me about his realization that he'd put so much effort and energy into making and keeping a connection with his now-wife that he'd completely and utterly lost any connection to himself and who he is. I shared my own experience in that regard, as most of the time my wife and I were together, I was a stressed, harried engineering student who lived in survival mode. Since finishing school, she'd begun telling me that she was liking me less and less, she didn't think this was the best version of me, that I'd changed since graduating, and she didn't think it was for the better. In therapy I've explored this about me finding "me" again, and I began to realize over the summer that I needed to reconnect with who I am myself, as I lost a lot of that born in school, any in my relationship. That realization has made a world of difference the last few months. Am I damaged? Absolutely. Will I have trust issues and a hard time fully committing emotionally? Definitely- I know that from my own history. However, this is why I'm going to be in therapy for a good long while to come. I have a lot of work ahead of me, i know that, and i welcome it. The tiger released from the circus needs to learn to trust his instincts again, to feel the soft dirt and thick leaves of the jungle under his feet, smell the plants and other animals in the wind, hear birds call trees sway in the breeze, to remind him of who and what he is, remind him of his rightful place in the order of nature. Will this tiger find a tigress to rule the jungle with? I think so. But there won't be any rush. He'll be much more cautious and discriminating, looking for the best possible complement to his own strengths and weaknesses. In the meantime, the hunt will be a blast. I hope you find this helpful. www.crazybusters.com/2017/02/14/overcoming-the-aftermath-of-narcissistic-abuse/ |
|
??
