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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2017 0:32:54 GMT -5
what is the friend zone? I dont know. I have had sex with several of my friends.
Wife has no sex drive. She is asexual. She is like a child that way...etc..
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2017 18:20:22 GMT -5
"Friend zone" is different than "Friends with Benefits Zone."
LOL!!
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 27, 2017 14:04:15 GMT -5
Definitely in the "FRIEND" Zone. Generally my W and I get along like very good friends.
She senses now things are not the same - we agreed to a "D" in a heated argument about 3 weeks ago. Tried Reset Sex and now I mentioned again yesterday "I was not sure about our couple" and she mentioned a "romantic night" - funny how this comes up so precisely.
Unfortunately, I am NOT "in love" with her and in my heart I have looked with all my might and there is just no love left.
God, I respect her so much as the Mother of our children and an amazing women (business success, great mind, energy for others, etc.) but I cannot lie to my Heart and must be honest.
So we are at the soon to be separated and eventually divorced phase. I would expect this to kick off into physical separation with me moving out in the next 60 to 90 days maximum. I hope we can stay friends.
I have promised myself not to raise my voice or yell and be as compassionate and empathetic as can be - this is the mother of my two beloved children and her welfare and health both mental and physical is critical for our children. I know I am going to cause everyone a lot of pain but I must move on now.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 27, 2017 14:11:29 GMT -5
I fired the "if we don't fix this, we're headed for divorce someday" warning shot twice. My first shot was ten years ago. I was expecting her to rally; she didn't. She crumbled. The "D-word" shook her to the core. But it lead to less sex, because she didn't feel "safe" with me. (Her words: "I can't really be into sex with you if I don't feel safe." And she meant "I'm not safe from you leaving me".) At that time I also expressed my deep hurt about how I felt she didn't care about sex, but I used poorly chosen words, and for the next few years she was convinced I was being "mean to her" in that whole exchange. About two years ago I pointed out "I'm willing to work on this. And -- look -- I don't have a specific time frame, but neither is it an indefinitely open period." (This was in front of the marriage therapist.) She was AGHAST, as if I was threatening her with immediate bodily harm. The therapist look quizzically at her reaction, shrugged, looked her straight in the eye, and said "sounds reasonable to me". So... those were her two wake up calls. Frankly, at this point I've given up trying. And if she were to have some sort of miraculous discovery of her libido, I don't think I'd be interested. The scars of too much rejection and concomitant distrust on my part, at this point. I'm focused on raising my kids and getting them launched... and her next wake up call will be when the "divorce someday" is upon her. You keep using that word, "someday". So Dan I am going to go out and buy a big mansion on the beach, my own jet, and the biggest yacht on the river , because "someday" I am going to win the lottery! It doesn't work that way. There were no shot's fired, there was no wake up call. You brought a water balloon to the fight and she brought a loaded gun. Those are all fine examples of DARVO. Every time she reversed it, made her out to be the victim and you the offender. It's controlling, selfish, and strips you of your manhood, that manly need to be desired and respected. What kind of example is that for your kids? (voice of experience) To be honest and sorry but on the tough side - I have to agree with GreatCoastal here. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 27, 2017 14:55:06 GMT -5
Mine is definitely in Baz's #2 category; actively planning the exit. However, one caveat that is proving difficult, is the actual disentanglement of the "friendship" as I'm planning to leave relatively shortly. Unfortunately, or fortunately, we are friends and actually have a lot of fun together. If we were merely coworkers, workout buddies, or whatever, then we would hang out, as friends, forever. But, he hung me out-to-dry so to speak as his wife. Sorry, but not good enough. I want the whole enchilada 😉 You may not have to dis -entangle the " friendship". The "friendship" status can loose much of it's meaning once the divorce is put into action. He may see to that, by his words and actions. He will definitely sense a loss of control, and not want a friendship without it. Doesn't that tell you what a one sided friendship it was, or had become? That can be good news, and bad news. Either way you can, and will make the best of it! With a fresh start, and hope for a new beginning. Offer that priceless friendship, along with your beautiful, sexy self to someone else who values you! Someone who values sex and intimacy too! This weekend I helped my therapist and his wife move to their new office. The old one was located directly next door to his ex's office. The new one is smaller with less clutter, AND AWAY FROM HER !!! Raise our glasses!! Here's to fresh starts, and new beginnings!! |
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 27, 2017 15:01:14 GMT -5
My situation is not squarely any of those posted by the OP because my wife and I are in different zones. I have sort of "friend-zoned" my wife... but she still loves me dearly and figures we will be married the rest of our lives. To her, the sexlessness thing is just "where the marriage is now", and not a big concern for her. Plus, she feels like she has "tried enough" for the time being. So she's in the "denial zone", I guess. I didn't have a name for it until I read your post Dan, but I do believe thats what I have done too ... I have "friend-zoned" my wife. Because I couldn't handle the rejection, I lowered my expectations, and I don't want to do anything to get them back up again. For her part, my wife is in the same place as yours is as well. She claims she loves me dearly and says she looks forward to growing old with me, but in her vision of marital love, there is no sexual component. (this attitude baffles me--because for me, the sexual component of a marriage is what makes it a marriage, and not just a legally binding friendship) As I read some of the other posters here, I am glad that I am not alone in the "its complicated" camp where leaving our sexless marriages would create more problems than it solves, but that realization does nothing to dull the pain. I so get it litw. My h wants to grow old with me, but there is no need for intimacy. He doesn't need it I guess. Soul destroying...... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 27, 2017 15:10:49 GMT -5
I didn't have a name for it until I read your post Dan, but I do believe thats what I have done too ... I have "friend-zoned" my wife. Because I couldn't handle the rejection, I lowered my expectations, and I don't want to do anything to get them back up again. For her part, my wife is in the same place as yours is as well. She claims she loves me dearly and says she looks forward to growing old with me, but in her vision of marital love, there is no sexual component. (this attitude baffles me--because for me, the sexual component of a marriage is what makes it a marriage, and not just a legally binding friendship) As I read some of the other posters here, I am glad that I am not alone in the "its complicated" camp where leaving our sexless marriages would create more problems than it solves, but that realization does nothing to dull the pain. I so get it litw. My h wants to grow old with me, but there is no need for intimacy. He doesn't need it I guess. Soul destroying...... This sounds like when the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) starts lifting, after decades. The realization that you too are a person, with legitimate needs, and desires. These needs and desires where meant to be fulfilled in "marriage". An agreement to have and to hold, to cherish, for that to be the only person on the planet that you would "give" yourself too. Not an agreement of " I do but he/she says I don't". Whenever they demand it ,at there comfort level. Save your Soul while there's still time....tick.....tick.....tick.......... |
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Post by lyn on Feb 28, 2017 3:02:19 GMT -5
Mine is definitely in Baz's #2 category; actively planning the exit. However, one caveat that is proving difficult, is the actual disentanglement of the "friendship" as I'm planning to leave relatively shortly. Unfortunately, or fortunately, we are friends and actually have a lot of fun together. If we were merely coworkers, workout buddies, or whatever, then we would hang out, as friends, forever. But, he hung me out-to-dry so to speak as his wife. Sorry, but not good enough. I want the whole enchilada 😉 You may not have to dis -entangle the " friendship". The "friendship" status can loose much of it's meaning once the divorce is put into action. He may see to that, by his words and actions. He will definitely sense a loss of control, and not want a friendship without it. Doesn't that tell you what a one sided friendship it was, or had become? That can be good news, and bad news. Either way you can, and will make the best of it! With a fresh start, and hope for a new beginning. Offer that priceless friendship, along with your beautiful, sexy self to someone else who values you! Someone who values sex and intimacy too! This weekend I helped my therapist and his wife move to their new office. The old one was located directly next door to his ex's office. The new one is smaller with less clutter, AND AWAY FROM HER !!! Raise our glasses!! Here's to fresh starts, and new beginnings!! You're absolutely right greatcoastal. It's becoming evident that as he loses "control" in the relationship due to my detaching, counter-refusing, the supposed friendship is obviously more superficial than I had realized. Kind of sad actually. But it is what it is. At this point, I believe that we won't be friends in any way, shape, or form once I announce the divorce and move out. And, thank you for your kind words - Cheers!!! |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 28, 2017 9:56:11 GMT -5
You may not have to dis -entangle the " friendship". The "friendship" status can loose much of it's meaning once the divorce is put into action. He may see to that, by his words and actions. He will definitely sense a loss of control, and not want a friendship without it. Doesn't that tell you what a one sided friendship it was, or had become? That can be good news, and bad news. Either way you can, and will make the best of it! With a fresh start, and hope for a new beginning. Offer that priceless friendship, along with your beautiful, sexy self to someone else who values you! Someone who values sex and intimacy too! This weekend I helped my therapist and his wife move to their new office. The old one was located directly next door to his ex's office. The new one is smaller with less clutter, AND AWAY FROM HER !!! Raise our glasses!! Here's to fresh starts, and new beginnings!! You're absolutely right greatcoastal . It's becoming evident that as he loses "control" in the relationship due to my detaching, counter-refusing, the supposed friendship is obviously more superficial than I had realized. Kind of sad actually. But it is what it is. At this point, I believe that we won't be friends in any way, shape, or form once I announce the divorce and move out. And, thank you for your kind words - Cheers!!! Lord I hope we remain friends . . . I am actually friends with even all my ex serious girlfriends and I was friends with my First Ex-Wife before she passed and away (and she went insane / alcoholic at the end). I can only keep "my side of the street clean" - I have sworn to myself NEVER to raise my voice or be angry and to act with the utmost compassion and empathy. This process is unavoidably the MOST EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER HELL in the human experience short of a loved one dying. Here we go soon! |
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Post by leifericson on Feb 28, 2017 12:27:50 GMT -5
Definitely in the "FRIEND" Zone. Generally my W and I get along like very good friends. She senses now things are not the same - we agreed to a "D" in a heated argument about 3 weeks ago. Tried Reset Sex and now I mentioned again yesterday "I was not sure about our couple" and she mentioned a "romantic night" - funny how this comes up so precisely. Unfortunately, I am NOT "in love" with her and in my heart I have looked with all my might and there is just no love left. God, I respect her so much as the Mother of our children and an amazing women (business success, great mind, energy for others, etc.) but I cannot lie to my Heart and must be honest. So we are at the soon to be separated and eventually divorced phase. I would expect this to kick off into physical separation with me moving out in the next 60 to 90 days maximum. I hope we can stay friends. I have promised myself not to raise my voice or yell and be as compassionate and empathetic as can be - this is the mother of my two beloved children and her welfare and health both mental and physical is critical for our children. I know I am going to cause everyone a lot of pain but I must move on now. To quote the song, "what's love got to do with it"? You have kids, you have companionship and now you have sex. The idea that you can't have marriage without romantic love is best left to teenagers. It sounds like you care for her still. Look deep and try to see what is really driving you to leave. Having a wife that is going to stick by you is rare. Romantic love will always wane. Other qualities sustain a solid marriage. Now that she is fucking you, you need a new excuse. Sorry bro if I sound cold but that's how I see it. Maybe therapy and not divorce is what you need. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 1, 2017 3:22:10 GMT -5
Definitely in the "FRIEND" Zone. Generally my W and I get along like very good friends. She senses now things are not the same - we agreed to a "D" in a heated argument about 3 weeks ago. Tried Reset Sex and now I mentioned again yesterday "I was not sure about our couple" and she mentioned a "romantic night" - funny how this comes up so precisely. Unfortunately, I am NOT "in love" with her and in my heart I have looked with all my might and there is just no love left. God, I respect her so much as the Mother of our children and an amazing women (business success, great mind, energy for others, etc.) but I cannot lie to my Heart and must be honest. So we are at the soon to be separated and eventually divorced phase. I would expect this to kick off into physical separation with me moving out in the next 60 to 90 days maximum. I hope we can stay friends. I have promised myself not to raise my voice or yell and be as compassionate and empathetic as can be - this is the mother of my two beloved children and her welfare and health both mental and physical is critical for our children. I know I am going to cause everyone a lot of pain but I must move on now. To quote the song, "what's love got to do with it"? You have kids, you have companionship and now you have sex. The idea that you can't have marriage without romantic love is best left to teenagers. It sounds like you care for her still. Look deep and try to see what is really driving you to leave. Having a wife that is going to stick by you is rare. Romantic love will always wane. Other qualities sustain a solid marriage. Now that she is fucking you, you need a new excuse. Sorry bro if I sound cold but that's how I see it. Maybe therapy and not divorce is what you need. @liefericson Appreciate the advice - all very well reasoned and logical. I have been meditating on it truly. Especially your comment "Look deep and try to see what is really driving you to leave" . All Good - all provocations and challenges to be ruthlessly honest with myself. So often has been said "Little Head" and "Big Head" but you know we also have the HEART . . . I agree Romantic Love or the "In Love" mad phase definitely burns off sooner or later and there must be a sustained Affectionate Love that it evolves into. I will just end with one of the quotes from your Tina Turner song "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken" |
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jpn
Junior Member
Brrrrrrrrr...
Posts: 75 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by jpn on Mar 12, 2017 3:01:23 GMT -5
I'm definitely in the friend-zone, deep, deep, deep in the friend-zone, with thoughts on joining the divorce-zone. Mamma always said that playing the zone makes for a boring hockey game, but maybe switching zones can lead to a new lease on life?  |
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Post by JMX on Mar 12, 2017 22:54:38 GMT -5
baza - 1ish 2ish Red fish Blue fish #1 We are actively in the friend zone. We were not there AT ALL. It has thawed. He does more around the house, is happy and secure with his job (finally) and we are co-parenting and... having fun together again. We are in intense couples' therapy. I have gone from star student in counseling to having to look hard at myself. My charm is not working here I have had some serious come to Jesus moments - pointed in my direction. All of this has culminated into some extreme emotional intimacy and some "light" physical intimacy. Not sure if it's enough, but I am trying to be present. I will expound on this later when it's the right time to explain the entire picture. #2 I have no illusions - I maintain my separate account that he has no eyes on. I maintain control of the bills and our debt payments. I expect to be out of debt completely by the end of the summer - my new job is the bees knees as far as money is concerned. I also maintain control of our joint account. He has unfettered access, but I know what goes in and what goes out and I pay bills and let him know accordingly. This is the only thing on our marriage he has not taken ownership over and made better. He hasn't made it worse, but he hasn't made it better other than keeping gainful employment. He has lamented that we are not back to one joint account. I have told him - even in counseling - I will gladly do so when he is part of the solution and not a passive player in our finances. To date - nothing done on his part to make me want to fix that yet. That is all we have left to work on to make our decision - it is the last stand, if you will. I am not mad anymore. If it ends, it just ends. I have already mourned our relationship. We are trying for the kids and because it is easier. It's not romantic and it's not sexy, but it has it's flashes of both. It has wheels. I cannot say I am "optimistic" - it's not that. I cannot say I am excited or enthralled or entranced. It's none of those things. It is toe-to-toe, it is trying, it IS sometimes NOT love. It is also a smile, a hand-holding, a story, a surprise... laughter - a wink. Sometimes it is even some serious deep-dicking  not as much as I would like, but it's there. It's a Limboland of sorts. Much different from last year's Limboland, but Limboland just the same. I am not giddy, I am not hopeful, and I am not putting weight on the broken leg - but I AM happy. So there's that.
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Post by nancyb on Mar 13, 2017 6:57:42 GMT -5
I'm in both a friend zone with my ex and in the process of packing my bags. My marriage was dead in the water years ago. Nothing could resuscitate it. Time to go.
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Post by frednsa on Mar 13, 2017 9:55:40 GMT -5
We all have the common issue "sexless marriage" but I see many camps here. Those in abusive marriage, those in the friends zone, those dealing with medical/mental health issues, those planning on divorce and those divorced. And yes there are those with agendas. And I am sure I have missed many. This may be a short lived thread but I just feel sometimes people forget there are so so many reason we are here....... discuss? I guess i'm in the "friends" camp. Camp Granada would be an improvement. Tough to love someone who is completely sexless. and be aware every day that she only "donates" sex due to her kind nature. some might think this is OK - NOT ME ! OK, pity pot stashed for the day. I remain after a half century of this, a man awaiting the arrival of Pharma's answer pill............or a mature lady who would like to separate her sex life from her love life - rare bird. ( I think i could do that but have yet to prove it) Best to all my compadres fred |
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not as much as I would like, but it's there. 
