|
|
Post by cc on Feb 19, 2017 16:27:12 GMT -5
This is the biggest thing I'm hearing from those I'm coming out to. Do they really believe I didn't date my husband? Why can't people say, "I'm sorry, I know you two lost something special. If you need me call."
1. You two just need to date.
Yes, we did. I arranged every single thing. I dressed, I found childcare, I gave that man a good time. If I stopped...It all stopped.
2. You just need to make sex happen. You be the one who starts it.
Again, I've been doing this. If the full body panty hose leotard with the proper openings and the near prostituting of my heart means anything, I have done this! I've done things none of my friends do. In fact, giver of advice, you think a Bj or oral sex on yourself is disgusting. We aren't talking about prude sex with a woman who is just getting through it. I'm talking I fulfilled every fantasy most men have! Sometimes in one night!
3. Pray together for God to restore your marriage.
Look, I've dragged him to couples groups, prayed, set up an outlined curriculum to study together. This isn't God's fault. Not mine.
4. I wish my husband would leave me alone....You don't know how lucky you have it.
Yea, that's just great. Tell me again how you deprive your true love of affection and how blessed I am to not have to hat off advances.
5. He's a man, he has stress, he is tired.
Um, I'm a single parent of two chronically ill boys, homeschool, have worked/schooled/etc, have chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, and thyroid disease, but I've never used that excuse. I'm ready at any moment. Why does he get a pass on being a husband because he does one thing, work? He has no other responsibilities. He screwed our finances the year he took over because he wanted to "lighten" my load. We are now short selling our home to avoid foreclosure.
This mess is unreal! Did you hear this same crap? It's always how I should be OK. I have a hard working man. I always need to be more or need less. It has me tearful. Just hear me! See me! Understand I've killed my soul chasing, begging, being what he needs. I'm broken.
Everyone knows I'm not a quitter. I give 150%. I love fiercely my people. I dig deep to give more.
I can't even imagine you guys here hearing your a sex crazed maniac when it is so much more than the act of sex.
There, I've had my freak out. I'm going to go for a walk before I eat my feelings. 😖
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Feb 19, 2017 16:56:14 GMT -5
Personally, I told very few people the full story about my ILIASM shithole (2 to be precise) so consequently, I was not bombarded by a lot of people's opinions about what I could / should do. I *knew* what I needed to do. But I didn't have the stomach to do it. So I went "why" chasing to distract myself from the core problem (that the marriage was a big fuck up), by concentrating on peripheral issues (like the lack of sex) This kept me occupied for many years, chasing shadows, whilst the core problem continued to fester and worsen. Between the lines, this reads like you *know* what you are going to end up having to do Sister cc. But at this stage, you haven't got the stomach to do it. And there's nothing wrong with that. |
|
|
|
Post by cc on Feb 19, 2017 17:08:06 GMT -5
If I didn't need my mother's home for 1-2 weeks to find another place I could keep it in. When I told her he was staying there...This went like wildfire through the family. So your answering calls and getting schooled in how to fix it. Like, no!
I need a stronger stomach. 😓
|
|
|
|
Post by cc on Feb 19, 2017 17:09:25 GMT -5
Also, I feel there's more advice and such because I'm the woman and should be able to fix this. I'm feeling very defeated. No one has said a word to him. Not a word!
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Feb 19, 2017 17:14:23 GMT -5
It was my silent hell for 20 years.
I didn't tell anyone until after I found EP.
I can count on one hand how many people IRL knew.
It's tough to get support the way you need it from people that can't relate to your dilemma. Especially for the women of this forum, it's a misconception that all men want to have sex with their wives.
The bottom line is, he is making a choice and one day you will be prepared to make a choice for yourself in regards to the consequences for his behavior.
You may feel like you don't have control but you really do because eventually the chickens come home to roost. Whether you decide to outsource, divorce, kick him in the nuts, whatever! Focus on yourself and don't make his life so comfortable if he's going to be selfish.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Feb 19, 2017 17:25:03 GMT -5
Also, I feel there's more advice and such because I'm the woman and should be able to fix this. I'm feeling very defeated. No one has said a word to him. Not a word! Here's an odd way of looking at this. Maybe it's better that way? Not a word to him, no accountability, no remorse, no shame, no regrets. The truth is he is going to pull DARVO every time, Deny, Argue (avoid), Reverse it and make him the victim and you the offender. The longer he gets away with it, the more it's accepted as the norm, and the slightest ripple in the pond, is all your fault and your problem. That's the way a Narc works, a manipulative controller. You deserve far better than that and the kids need an example of what a loving relationship should be like. Find a few friends who understand, take a risk by asking others, not family, and gain ground with the support of others. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2017 17:27:34 GMT -5
It's a mined field who to tell. You can never really know the others experiences or lack of. Simplistic solutions to complicated problems are people who have no idea. You also brought god into it so remember telling people of deep conviction then it will be your problem because the church has jumped to the mans defensive for thousands of years.
The person I decided to tell was a friend who went through a messy divorce and the second I told him he knew exactly where I was coming from.
|
|
|
|
Post by Chatter Fox on Feb 19, 2017 17:36:38 GMT -5
Question for you....
If God or some other omniscient being said that it was ok to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and have a strong sense that you could finally leave your relationship?
Keep the answer you came up with in mind as you read....
For the last couple of years I found myself reaching out to a lot of people about my situation. It's been helpful at times but also extremely depressing / frustrating at times. Like you, I got a lot of advice to do things that I had already tried and a lot of people giving my wife too much slack (in my opinion). I've gotten completely guilted to stay too. I've even been told that its all my fault. I've heard tons upon tons of different views and advice. I thought I was looking for answers out there but it only hit me recently that what I wasn't looking for were answers. I was actually looking for permission. I knew what I wanted. I just needed others to say "it's ok to leave". I got that specific advice often but it only took one or two strong judgmental statements to completely obliterate that "permission" I had found.
I guess I'm wondering if you are in search of the same thing I was? Are you looking for permission to leave? If your answer to the "god or omniscient being" question at the beginning of my post was a quick and easy "yes" then chances are, you want to leave but you are feeling like you need permission first. The "God or omniscient being" question is from a book I read called "too good to leave too bad to stay" by mira kirschenbaum (its a good book by the way). Anyway, I only recently realized that there is only one person in the world that I need permission from and that's me. I'm a grown adult and I am capable of making decisions in the best interests of my kids and myself. I know the situation more than anyone else. I know my limits. I know what I will and will not tolerate or accept into MY life. I am able to decide if the home environment we are creating for our children is toxic or harmful and if we'd be doing less damage to them if we separated. I do not need the approval or permission of others. That shift in attitude hasn't been easy for me to maintain and I still have days where I'm itching to go online and get some reassurance that it's ok to leave if I need to. I know that I won't get that reassurance though. I have to accept that I'm on my own in this decision. Ironically, once I started to really embrace the idea that I am on my own, I actually really enjoyed it and began to feel empowered by the idea that I'm not going to live my life up to societies expectations anymore.
You are the world's leading expert on YOU. No one in the world knows more about your life, needs, limits, situation, etc more than YOU. Getting advice is all well and good but my personal advice is to allow yourself to be the expert on your life. If you are simply looking for permission, you won't find it "out there". You'll have to find that from within.
|
|
|
|
Post by cc on Feb 19, 2017 17:36:47 GMT -5
My main person right now is my highschool best friend. She is going through a bad divorce. She is the only irl person who has the guts to help me get through this. She is pretty much my bosom buddy (Anne of Green Gables). Her situation is much different than mine, but she is also broken and finding her way.
GC, your right, so right. I think you need to be a SM counselor.
|
|
|
|
Post by cc on Feb 19, 2017 17:42:17 GMT -5
Beeman, I don't feel made to stay by my God, there's plenty of verses to back up my leaving. I know I went above and beyond.
I will admit that it is hard as heck to think of what my very devout family will think. What will his family think...I should interject here that I am a recovering people pleaser. There, I admitted it.
I am a sucker for wanting to do things the "right" way. This means in a way that lines with my convictions and my own guidelines for my life. I don't for an instant think my God would judge me forever if I left, even if I were wrong. I truly don't believe he wants me like this. JOYful and FEARless is how I should be.
I hate failing and I hate losing. Both are good and bad qualities.
|
|
|
|
Post by Chatter Fox on Feb 19, 2017 17:54:08 GMT -5
Beeman, I don't feel made to stay by my God, there's plenty of verses to back up my leaving. I know I went above and beyond. I will admit that it is hard as heck to think of what my very devout family will think. What will his family think...I should interject here that I am a recovering people pleaser. There, I admitted it. I am a sucker for wanting to do things the "right" way. This means in a way that lines with my convictions and my own guidelines for my life. I don't for an instant think my God would judge me forever if I left, even if I were wrong. I truly don't believe he wants me like this. JOYful and FEARless is how I should be. I hate failing and I hate losing. Both are good and bad qualities. I interpreted the question a bit different than you when I had first read it. I suppose for me, it wasn't about leaving for religious reasons. It wasn't so much about what was right or wrong in regards to religion. For me, it was about some higher power's authority over all the other people in my life. I'm a people pleaser like you as well. To a fault, really. So to me, when I read the question, I thought about some higher authority above all others. I felt like, if God or some omniscient being could somehow talk to me and say "it's ok, don't worry what those people say, I am telling you that it's ok to leave given your circumstances" that I'd breathe a sigh of relief and have a sense of clarity that I've been missing. When it's framed in that way, does the question seem more enlightening for you? |
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Feb 19, 2017 18:10:07 GMT -5
Question for you.... If God or some other omniscient being said that it was ok to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and have a strong sense that you could finally leave your relationship? Keep the answer you came up with in mind as you read.... For the last couple of years I found myself reaching out to a lot of people about my situation. It's been helpful at times but also extremely depressing / frustrating at times. Like you, I got a lot of advice to do things that I had already tried and a lot of people giving my wife too much slack (in my opinion). I've gotten completely guilted to stay too. I've even been told that its all my fault. I've heard tons upon tons of different views and advice. I thought I was looking for answers out there but it only hit me recently that what I wasn't looking for were answers. I was actually looking for permission. I knew what I wanted. I just needed others to say "it's ok to leave". I got that specific advice often but it only took one or two strong judgmental statements to completely obliterate that "permission" I had found. I guess I'm wondering if you are in search of the same thing I was? Are you looking for permission to leave? If your answer to the "god or omniscient being" question at the beginning of my post was a quick and easy "yes" then chances are, you want to leave but you are feeling like you need permission first. The "God or omniscient being" question is from a book I read called "too good to leave too bad to stay" by mira kirschenbaum (its a good book by the way). Anyway, I only recently realized that there is only one person in the world that I need permission from and that's me. I'm a grown adult and I am capable of making decisions in the best interests of my kids and myself. I know the situation more than anyone else. I know my limits. I know what I will and will not tolerate or accept into MY life. I am able to decide if the home environment we are creating for our children is toxic or harmful and if we'd be doing less damage to them if we separated. I do not need the approval or permission of others. That shift in attitude hasn't been easy for me to maintain and I still have days where I'm itching to go online and get some reassurance that it's ok to leave if I need to. I know that I won't get that reassurance though. I have to accept that I'm on my own in this decision. Ironically, once I started to really embrace the idea that I am on my own, I actually really enjoyed it and began to feel empowered by the idea that I'm not going to live my life up to societies expectations anymore. You are the world's leading expert on YOU. No one in the world knows more about your life, needs, limits, situation, etc more than YOU. Getting advice is all well and good but my personal advice is to allow yourself to be the expert on your life. If you are simply looking for permission, you won't find it "out there". You'll have to find that from within. BINGO !!! Yes I need "permission" - My quest for "permisssion" was the SM, which after digging and "building a case" . . . the lack of sex was just the tip of the iceberg. I tried so hard to have a heavy "Moral High Ground" even when my W and I argued and agreed to Divorce almost out of the blue - I still was like a prosecutor and playing myself to be at least the "co-defendant". Let us be the "Expert" of our own life and make that decision indeed. I will just add . . . in my case go slowly and carefully and check for "whims" - weigh and analyze, and then ACT without remorse. No matter what I tell myself a lot of people are going to be in pain - sadly mainly children and family members BUT a short term pain from a D rather than a life time of miserable parents together. IT will be up to me to "PLAN" and build a post D new reality and the great search for a long term meaningful loving relationship. |
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Feb 19, 2017 18:32:27 GMT -5
Give yourself permission & do the right thing by stopping the "other-people" pleading. YOU are a people. You're job in life is to live it in a way that allows YOU to flourish.
You are the authority on what makes you happy. You are the only person who knows your joy or your misery. We can communicate- to try & share it - but you are alone with your thoughts & feelings when you lay your head on the pillow. Live your days so your nights are not a terror of regret.
"Authority" means YOU are the author of your story. Write a life that your heart & spirit will be proud of.
Give yourself permission to find your own happiness. Extricate yourself from toxic situations, hurtful relationships, & unhealthy tendencies (like giving your soul away to someone who not only doesn't deserve it, but seems to spit on it).
Love yourself first. Follow your own path. Those other people won't care in the long run & if they do, tell them they aren't the expert. They have no authority over your life (unless they have been deemed a guardian of you- you are not incapacitated though...you're just stuck in an SM shithole & that seriously screws up our thinking)
|
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Feb 20, 2017 8:47:54 GMT -5
You're not failing, cc. If anything your husband has failed your and your family on multiple instances. My very, very Christian parents have become increasingly fond of tossing around the "be the head of your household" bit with me the last few weeks; do you think it would help shut your family up if you mention his failings in this regard? I'm sorry you're in this situation, especially with all these really, really unneeded comments from the cheap seats. Are there any other close friends you have you'd also be able to take into confidence on this? A strong support network of sympathetic friends can be a lifesaver. |
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Feb 22, 2017 3:02:25 GMT -5
Question for you.... If God or some other omniscient being said that it was ok to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and have a strong sense that you could finally leave your relationship? Keep the answer you came up with in mind as you read.... For the last couple of years I found myself reaching out to a lot of people about my situation. It's been helpful at times but also extremely depressing / frustrating at times. Like you, I got a lot of advice to do things that I had already tried and a lot of people giving my wife too much slack (in my opinion). I've gotten completely guilted to stay too. I've even been told that its all my fault. I've heard tons upon tons of different views and advice. I thought I was looking for answers out there but it only hit me recently that what I wasn't looking for were answers. I was actually looking for permission. I knew what I wanted. I just needed others to say "it's ok to leave". I got that specific advice often but it only took one or two strong judgmental statements to completely obliterate that "permission" I had found. I guess I'm wondering if you are in search of the same thing I was? Are you looking for permission to leave? If your answer to the "god or omniscient being" question at the beginning of my post was a quick and easy "yes" then chances are, you want to leave but you are feeling like you need permission first. The "God or omniscient being" question is from a book I read called "too good to leave too bad to stay" by mira kirschenbaum (its a good book by the way). Anyway, I only recently realized that there is only one person in the world that I need permission from and that's me. I'm a grown adult and I am capable of making decisions in the best interests of my kids and myself. I know the situation more than anyone else. I know my limits. I know what I will and will not tolerate or accept into MY life. I am able to decide if the home environment we are creating for our children is toxic or harmful and if we'd be doing less damage to them if we separated. I do not need the approval or permission of others. That shift in attitude hasn't been easy for me to maintain and I still have days where I'm itching to go online and get some reassurance that it's ok to leave if I need to. I know that I won't get that reassurance though. I have to accept that I'm on my own in this decision. Ironically, once I started to really embrace the idea that I am on my own, I actually really enjoyed it and began to feel empowered by the idea that I'm not going to live my life up to societies expectations anymore. You are the world's leading expert on YOU. No one in the world knows more about your life, needs, limits, situation, etc more than YOU. Getting advice is all well and good but my personal advice is to allow yourself to be the expert on your life. If you are simply looking for permission, you won't find it "out there". You'll have to find that from within. BINGO !!! Yes I need "permission" - My quest for "permisssion" was the SM, which after digging and "building a case" . . . the lack of sex was just the tip of the iceberg. I tried so hard to have a heavy "Moral High Ground" even when my W and I argued and agreed to Divorce almost out of the blue - I still was like a prosecutor and playing myself to be at least the "co-defendant". Let us be the "Expert" of our own life and make that decision indeed. I will just add . . . in my case go slowly and carefully and check for "whims" - weigh and analyze, and then ACT without remorse. No matter what I tell myself a lot of people are going to be in pain - sadly mainly children and family members BUT a short term pain from a D rather than a life time of miserable parents together. IT will be up to me to "PLAN" and build a post D new reality and the great search for a long term meaningful loving relationship. Hmm, the "Permission" analysis above might be of interest to you given the "No Permission" you seem to be getting from your circle of family. Just a thought - defer to you of course. |
|
