|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 22, 2017 6:21:13 GMT -5
"Open mind" and "avoidant spouse" are pretty much contra-indicated things. Rarely seen together. When a "manipulative controller" says,"lets compromise" those are contradictory things. Not going to happen. |
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on Apr 22, 2017 6:29:37 GMT -5
Hi Orangepeel,
Yep, it's a long time.
When I set out, I didn't think about the length of time, like you I had had enough of refusals or grudging 'starfish-sex' that made me feel like a sex-pest and so I just stopped asking. This was in order to reclaim some control in my life. I was no longer going to play her games. As she never asked for sex anyway it was never spoken of thereafter. It was the beginning of the end of the marriage - it just took longer than I thought.
Oddly, (or perhaps not) since I asked for a separation in January, it's been like coming back to life. The Fear has gone, to be replaced by relief and I've started to feel desire again, my libido has woken up!
I'll have to take care, I know I've a lot of shit and bad habits to unlearn from a long, unhappy marriage but, theoretically, it feels F***ING marvellous!
|
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on Apr 22, 2017 6:38:31 GMT -5
"Open mind" and "avoidant spouse" are pretty much contra-indicated things. Rarely seen together. When a "manipulative controller" says,"lets compromise" those are contradictory things. Not going to happen. Amen to that, brother! Or....As he's been saying to me this morning : i know there are other ways to please you, you mentioned things i can do that don't involve piv - such as toys, marital aids etc, massage oils, different lubes" as if i haven't mentioned it enough over time, along with different techniques and he wasn't effing interested. Last knockings, sweetie. Not falling for it. |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on Apr 22, 2017 11:27:32 GMT -5
lyn - at least he's in the guest room so you don't have to negotiate your viewing material. The separate rooms was far better than the DMZ in a shared bed (IMO). Yes! Sooooooo much better to sleep in own room / bed without a big lump of sexual aversion sawing logs in my ear. |
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Apr 22, 2017 12:51:56 GMT -5
That sounds like a good attitude to have. I bet it works too ... if both parties are buying into it. Upon reflection, I realize that the reason im so against scheduling sex is that scheduling it (in my marriage) does nothing to increase the likelihood of it happening. Have you ever been to one of those Family Life events? I have been to 5 of them, and we are scheduled to go to another one this spring. One thing they always stress is that if one spouse says "no sex tonight", it is incumbent upon them to RESCHEDULE, and to FOLLOW THROUGH with the rescheduling. When your spouse says no, and does not follow through with the rescheduling, it makes scheduling a false hope. I don't need any false hope in my life. Totally understood but 'missing the appointment' for want of a better phrase at least creates or can create accountability. Half the issue in my house is there is no schedule. I can initiate spontaneously and be knocked back with bull shit excuses such as "it's a bit late now" or any of the many others which scheduling would help to negate somewhat. The only other alternative is not to initiate at all through fear of being rejected and then your refuser has a ready made excuse that you have willingly handed them "how was I supposed to know you wanted to have sex? You never said anything! I'm not a mind reader" I will be suggesting scheduling to my W soon when the time appears right. She will either laugh it off in which case I will turn to laughing when she suggests that we need to go out on a date or spend some time together. Or she may agree and begin to schedule and then miss the appointment and I will consider doing the same back with things she likes doing. And remember that when she rejects or misses the appointment or opportunity, she's really saying "I don't give a crap about you or your needs."
|
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on Apr 22, 2017 13:38:41 GMT -5
Or even the classic "well you haven't exactly been initiating anything recently, either".
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Apr 24, 2017 22:25:21 GMT -5
(I wonder which external website I refer people to more: meetup.com, or fortybeads.com?)
For those of us here after wading through decades of sexlessness, I don't think this will help. But I truly believe if I had found this book ten years ago, my marriage would have been saved: see my post on the Forty Beads Method. Alas, it isn't really designed for the women here: it assumes you have a desirous husband. It MIGHT work for the men here who still desire their wives, and IF the wife would be willing to try this. (It requires her giving up some control, but she gains a bit of predictability and "good husband behavior".) I mention it in this thread because it is along the lines of "maintenance sex that helps the couple keep their mojo, and helps the woman keep her libido up", but it is ALSO about the anticipation of lovemaking and how it elicits "good husband behavior" before and after the event, while also REDUCING the hounding for sex. Read my post. Consider reading the book. And PLEASE suggest it to couples who are not as far gone as my wife an me.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2017 23:31:09 GMT -5
Here is my issue with this idea of scheduling sex - like having to remember its bin (garbage) day - that it's ok for someone who will wants sex and will take any opportunity to get it versus a partner who doesn't. Yes you get your end away but your partners resentment grow... although the thought is you'll both will eventually want it. That may be true in a relationship where both people still want a physical relationship. But these gimmicks backfire in our situation
|
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on Apr 25, 2017 0:19:19 GMT -5
Here is my issue with this idea of scheduling sex - like having to remember its bin (garbage) day - that it's ok for someone who will wants sex and will take any opportunity to get it versus a partner who doesn't. Yes you get your end away but your partners resentment grow... although the thought is you'll both will eventually want it. That may be true in a relationship where both people still want a physical relationship. But these gimmicks backfire in our situation I think scheduling needs to be employed fairly early into things - not when desire has completely left on both sides, especially on the part of the refused. Desire begets desire apparently - sex apparently leads to more sex. On the rare times I've experienced it lol i was up for it again to continue immediately. It's absolutely vital to make time for it - they say if you can schedule anything else, then schedule this too! But again, the refused will generally try anything to kick start the intimate relationship. Sadly I've never had a chance to employ this method. |
|
|
|
Post by nolongerlonely on Apr 25, 2017 2:01:34 GMT -5
A schedule sounds wonderful. We will be late for work because of it. We will have 'power lunches' in order to sneak away and do it, and we will finish work early in order to continue where we left off. We'll do that every day and then contemplate rest at the weekend, or maybe not ? Who needs a calendar anyway. When on holiday, we will complain about the sand. We wont like the small washrooms on the plane. And a walk in the woods will be better than the dog and I ever imagined.
Above all else, we will look at each other and just know what we want to be doing, no need to prompt or ask, it will be spontaneous.
Someone needs to wake me up.
|
|
|
|
Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 25, 2017 7:18:26 GMT -5
A schedule sounds wonderful. We will be late for work because of it. We will have 'power lunches' in order to sneak away and do it, and we will finish work early in order to continue where we left off. We'll do that every day and then contemplate rest at the weekend, or maybe not ? Who needs a calendar anyway. When on holiday, we will complain about the sand. We wont like the small washrooms on the plane. And a walk in the woods will be better than the dog and I ever imagined. Above all else, we will look at each other and just know what we want to be doing, no need to prompt or ask, it will be spontaneous. Someone needs to wake me up. This is killing me. Wake me up now too ... |
|
