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Post by rejected101 on Feb 16, 2017 9:17:29 GMT -5
I read several articles recently about maintenance sex and also encouraging libido to return. The general idea being that unless you ensure that you make room for sex as opposed to relying on the occasions that you are already in the mood, your sex life will likely begin to disappear along with your desire for sex which is a vicious cycle that only gets worse and worse. Even if you don't feel like ripping clothes off and rampantly fucking all night long, make room for sex and do it any way as it will keep the desire and drive from disappearing. One of the articles also mentioned that the rejected party will likely feel a loss of connection which ironically is something that my mrs used to moan about when we were in therapy. Little did she realise that yes our connection had suffered a large deficit but mainly because she all but removed one of the key ingredients. www.familylifecanada.com/marriage/married-women/www.google.co.uk/amp/www.prevention.com/sex/better-sex/increase-your-sex-drive%3Famp?client=safari |
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 17, 2017 5:24:38 GMT -5
I've talked about putting sex on a calendar, since we schedule everything else from paying bills to taking trash cans down to reviewing spelling words. W used to be against it, then started making interested listening noises. Still, hasn't changed. I don't get why people just expect sexual intimacy and attraction to take care of itself. Is there anything else in life we can utterly neglect and have it run absolutely perfectly? The only thing i can think of was my '91 Honda Civic. And even that eventually died. Interestingly enough one of the articles promoted scheduling sex as a means of ensuring it doesn't get lost and or forgotten. It said something along the lines of what you just said. You schedule your dates together, you schedule your time alone together, you schedule so many things so why not schedule sex. |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 17, 2017 9:35:29 GMT -5
I have to schedule sex because it has to work around when I don't have my children. The scheduling of it adds to the anticipation and excitement!
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 17, 2017 9:45:08 GMT -5
I have to schedule sex because it has to work around when I don't have my children. The scheduling of it adds to the anticipation and excitement! Exactly! No doubt that sometimes a spontaneous 'I wasn't expecting that' type of encounter can be amazing but scheduling is simply part of life. I have to schedule a date with my wife, organise a baby sitter, make sure we are both free that night and so on and so on. Does it ruin the date? A big fat NO!! |
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Post by LITW on Feb 17, 2017 11:56:35 GMT -5
I have to schedule sex because it has to work around when I don't have my children. The scheduling of it adds to the anticipation and excitement! Exactly! No doubt that sometimes a spontaneous 'I wasn't expecting that' type of encounter can be amazing but scheduling is simply part of life. I have to schedule a date with my wife, organise a baby sitter, make sure we are both free that night and so on and so on. Does it ruin the date? A big fat NO!! That sounds like a good attitude to have. I bet it works too ... if both parties are buying into it. Upon reflection, I realize that the reason im so against scheduling sex is that scheduling it (in my marriage) does nothing to increase the likelihood of it happening. Have you ever been to one of those Family Life events? I have been to 5 of them, and we are scheduled to go to another one this spring. One thing they always stress is that if one spouse says "no sex tonight", it is incumbent upon them to RESCHEDULE, and to FOLLOW THROUGH with the rescheduling. When your spouse says no, and does not follow through with the rescheduling, it makes scheduling a false hope. I don't need any false hope in my life. |
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 17, 2017 12:13:04 GMT -5
Exactly! No doubt that sometimes a spontaneous 'I wasn't expecting that' type of encounter can be amazing but scheduling is simply part of life. I have to schedule a date with my wife, organise a baby sitter, make sure we are both free that night and so on and so on. Does it ruin the date? A big fat NO!! That sounds like a good attitude to have. I bet it works too ... if both parties are buying into it. Upon reflection, I realize that the reason im so against scheduling sex is that scheduling it (in my marriage) does nothing to increase the likelihood of it happening. Have you ever been to one of those Family Life events? I have been to 5 of them, and we are scheduled to go to another one this spring. One thing they always stress is that if one spouse says "no sex tonight", it is incumbent upon them to RESCHEDULE, and to FOLLOW THROUGH with the rescheduling. When your spouse says no, and does not follow through with the rescheduling, it makes scheduling a false hope. I don't need any false hope in my life. Totally understood but 'missing the appointment' for want of a better phrase at least creates or can create accountability. Half the issue in my house is there is no schedule. I can initiate spontaneously and be knocked back with bull shit excuses such as "it's a bit late now" or any of the many others which scheduling would help to negate somewhat. The only other alternative is not to initiate at all through fear of being rejected and then your refuser has a ready made excuse that you have willingly handed them "how was I supposed to know you wanted to have sex? You never said anything! I'm not a mind reader" I will be suggesting scheduling to my W soon when the time appears right. She will either laugh it off in which case I will turn to laughing when she suggests that we need to go out on a date or spend some time together. Or she may agree and begin to schedule and then miss the appointment and I will consider doing the same back with things she likes doing. |
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Post by WindSister on Feb 17, 2017 12:55:25 GMT -5
I am a year and a half into a new marriage - an actual marriage with actual intimacy (didn't have sex but one time the first year I was married to my ex) and I can see the value of that train of thought (keeping sex on the calendar). My husband and I actually do sometimes go a few weeks without sex and when that happens a part of me gets worried, but then we reconnect and it's weekly again until something might throw us off again (like grandkids staying the weekend, inlaws, health, work stress, gross colds, etc.). But after a little drought, I think it's fair to say that sometimes neither of us feel "inspired" to have sex (not always because most times one or the other definitely and exuberantly initiates), but we do it and as it goes on it gets hot/fiery/passionate and we remember we love this connection, sharing this together. It DOES reignite our love and strengthen our connection. I mean, it's such a no-brainer. I can't believe now that I lived TEN YEARS with NO SEX with my ex. And I wonder why we ended up feeling "indifferent" to each other? ha.
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 17, 2017 13:21:32 GMT -5
I am a year and a half into a new marriage - an actual marriage with actual intimacy (didn't have sex but one time the first year I was married to my ex) and I can see the value of that train of thought (keeping sex on the calendar). My husband and I actually do sometimes go a few weeks without sex and when that happens a part of me gets worried, but then we reconnect and it's weekly again until something might throw us off again (like grandkids staying the weekend, inlaws, health, work stress, gross colds, etc.). But after a little drought, I think it's fair to say that sometimes neither of us feel "inspired" to have sex (not always because most times one or the other definitely and exuberantly initiates), but we do it and as it goes on it gets hot/fiery/passionate and we remember we love this connection, sharing this together. It DOES reignite our love and strengthen our connection. I mean, it's such a no-brainer. I can't believe now that I lived TEN YEARS with NO SEX with my ex. And I wonder why we ended up feeling "indifferent" to each other? ha. You make exactly the point I think I've recently read about. Firstly, that life should occasionally get in the way of sex and not sex should occasionally get in the way of life. Also, after a drought, it is very easy to forget to include sex so you have to make an effort to get back on the saddle. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 17, 2017 13:35:50 GMT -5
This all ties in nicely to the thread "It's not my responsibility" posted the other day. I have trouble understanding how some can think, "it's no ones responsibility", and then think, "there's nothing wrong with scheduling sex?" To me the two sound an awful lot alike.
For me, a major tipping point came when I mentioned scheduling. My STBX responded, "I don't know if I will ever be ready for that". Obviously that blew a whole in her convenient once a year, avoidance tactics. This from a woman who set up a color coded bar graph chart for all 9 of our schedules on a 15 min time bases. Like filling out a log book. Her motto "excuse" was "if it's not on the schedule it's not going to happen". Such hypocrisy. Yet she will post last moment that she is leaving for the weekend to visit a relative, and just expect everyone to pick up her slack. Which, honestly amounted to cooking two meals and not having her car here if one of the teens needed it. It became nicer to have her gone!
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 17, 2017 14:17:19 GMT -5
I've talked about putting sex on a calendar, since we schedule everything else from paying bills to taking trash cans down to reviewing spelling words. W used to be against it, then started making interested listening noises. Still, hasn't changed. I don't get why people just expect sexual intimacy and attraction to take care of itself. Is there anything else in life we can utterly neglect and have it run absolutely perfectly? The only thing i can think of was my '91 Honda Civic. And even that eventually died. The day I mentioned scheduling sex, fear showed in her eyes, voice, words, and actions. That meant going near that part of her life that she refuses to deal with. It also meant having to give up some control, maybe even considering someone else's needs, and opinions. |
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 17, 2017 14:41:23 GMT -5
I've talked about putting sex on a calendar, since we schedule everything else from paying bills to taking trash cans down to reviewing spelling words. W used to be against it, then started making interested listening noises. Still, hasn't changed. I don't get why people just expect sexual intimacy and attraction to take care of itself. Is there anything else in life we can utterly neglect and have it run absolutely perfectly? The only thing i can think of was my '91 Honda Civic. And even that eventually died. The day I mentioned scheduling sex, fear showed in her eyes, voice, words, and actions. That meant going near that part of her life that she refuses to deal with. It also meant having to give up some control, maybe even considering someone else's needs, and opinions. Exactly. All of a sudden there becomes some accountability. Fear is a natural reaction! |
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Post by cc on Feb 17, 2017 20:47:50 GMT -5
I've read these articles, too. It seems many think the biggest issue is to just do it. Like romance is a dang Nike ad. It isn't.
Atleast in our marriage it wasn't.
I have arranged sex. I got the kids out of the house. I made myself gorgeous. I cooked. I bought the fantastic undies that he could unwrap later.
I have also dragged him to bed for sex for many nights thinking I could sex him up enough to want it.
If I could have screwed him up right, I would have in 19 years. LOL
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dave
New Member
Posts: 14 
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Post by dave on Feb 19, 2017 19:13:26 GMT -5
hold on a minute. what is the "sex" you speak of?
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Post by baza on Feb 19, 2017 21:27:14 GMT -5
The basic flaw in any "scented candles" strategy is that you are dealing in a commodity that you value, but your avoidant spouse does not value. "Scented candles" strategies work a treat when BOTH spouses value the commodity being offered. But "scented candles" strategies do not work at all if one of the spouses doesn't value the commodity on offer. Put yourself in your avoidant spouses shoes for a moment. Your avoidant spouse does not value sexual expression with you. So what you are offering by deploying the scented candles strategy is an opportunity for them to engage in an activity that they have no interest in. Unsurprisingly, they find this to be an offer very easy to refuse. "Scheduled sex" is much the same story. If both spouses value the commodity to be scheduled, it will work beautifully. Indeed, as Sister bballgirl notes, the anticipation of the event can easily value add to the event. But if one of the spouses does not value the commodity being scheduled, then far from looking forward to the event, they will dread it. And if it proceeds, it is hugely unlikely to be a mutually rewarding experience. |
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Post by cc on Feb 20, 2017 0:09:28 GMT -5
hold on a minute. what is the "sex" you speak of? Dave, the sex that is arranged. I would lose my crap, cry, beg, show him the article, threaten to leave, and he would agree later to do the plan. That lasts at most 2-3 nights. I'm telling him, it says you will want it more. Those articles lie. I think if you have other issues for the decrease and death of your love life, it might. Granted this was years ago...When he promised to be better. 😖 |
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