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Post by cc on Feb 20, 2017 0:11:41 GMT -5
Baza, that makes so much sense! A commodity they don't value. That's a lightbulb moment for me, truly. Open a therapy group or write a book with greatcoastal. Like yesterday.
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Post by baza on Feb 20, 2017 0:32:46 GMT -5
Got another hint for you Sister cc . This bit above (quoting you) - " I would lose my crap, cry, beg, show him the article, threaten to leave, and he would agree later to do the plan" The italics and bold are what I think is a key issue. In an ILIASM environment, it is most unwise indeed to threaten anything that you are - (a) - not prepared to do (ie have a plan to do it if need be) (b) - ready to do it. All making empty threats does is shred your cred. It educates your spouse that they need not take you seriously. That you do not mean what you say. And that propels you backward by quite a way. In these ILIASM shithole situations, there is no place for bluffing or brinkmanship. If you say something, you must be in a position to back it up with action. |
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Post by cc on Feb 20, 2017 1:07:06 GMT -5
Yes! I recently came to this conclusion! He doesn't believe me! He knows he can just bid his time and wait for me to calm down and the cycle begins again. I am glad you said this to me. It is true.
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Post by baza on Feb 20, 2017 1:34:56 GMT -5
Geez, this is going like "ILIASM shitholes 101" Sister cc !!!!! Next hint. See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would - theoretically - shake out for you. From that information, start constructing an exit strategy, and get it into do-able shape. Shore up your support network. Research everything you can about helping kids (if any) transition through such an event. With this information - and plan - in your pocket you are committed to precisely nothing. You might use it. You might not. But the very fact that you have a viable alternative to continued misery in your pocket is a comforting thing in and of itself. |
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Post by kiltedpadre on Feb 20, 2017 11:08:35 GMT -5
This is among the far too many failed concepts that we tried. First, was not officially scheduling sex but a general agreement on frequency. That worked briefly till she complained to her therapist that it was "too much and too stressful." That led to the "agreement " being changed to be less frequent. I put agreement in quotes there because I was given no say in the matter. Well, the concession to me was that she would in theory throw me a bone from time to time and we'd have sex more than the minimum (that bone never got thrown).
Next step was scheduling specific days, but that failed because having specific days spelled out led to her dreading those days and feeling like she might end out having a panic attack over it.
I think this is much like any other concept. It will work in cases where busy schedules are the primary issue or where there is a small mismatch in libido. Plus, if nothing els I think people need to keep open minds and try almost anything to solve a problem before it's too far gone.
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Post by baza on Feb 20, 2017 17:23:55 GMT -5
"Open mind" and "avoidant spouse" are pretty much contra-indicated things.
Rarely seen together.
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 21, 2017 14:04:04 GMT -5
My opinion is calendar sex or scheduled sex is pointless. If I have to remind my W to want to be intimate with me and it isn't reciprocated with the same or at least pretend it's the same level of interest than I'd rather handle by own business knowing I will be satisfied at the end. My W would flip over the couch if I even hinted at the idea of putting it on a calendar. She lives in her day planner but forgets half the stuff she writes in it to begin with so I'd be setting myself up for failure and disappointment by going this route. Sounds good in theory, and may work for some couples but not here. We've had open dialog about it. I getting to where I am seriously considering finding a F Buddy if ones available. Someone who just wants to get it and quit it. No strings, no emotions, just sex. Anyone else at this point or thought about that?
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 21, 2017 16:39:45 GMT -5
Back in the day, I used to try to make agreements with my avoider. The cycle was unalterably the same - I broached, she avoided, I pressed the point (the only point I'd press in the process, as it turned out time after time), she 'agreed', she dodged, she 'forgot', she reneged, I sulked, she lectured about spontaneity, I withdrew, I re-emerged, I broached, she avoided.... - until I just stopped.
And through it all, she sailed serenely. Still does.
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Post by lyn on Apr 21, 2017 20:16:43 GMT -5
Seriously, aren't we tired of negotiating for a sex-life? I mean - scheduling sex with someone who doesn't want it is tantamount to being stung by 1000 bees (maybe a little dramatic - but kind of just as horrible).
What I do know is this: scheduled sex or reset sex SUCKS. No thanks - give me a fresh set of batteries and some well-chosen viewing material and I'll take it - any day of the week over fake sex with the overgrown man-child who's currently inhabiting my guest room.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 21, 2017 22:23:42 GMT -5
lyn - at least he's in the guest room so you don't have to negotiate your viewing material. The separate rooms was far better than the DMZ in a shared bed (IMO).
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 21, 2017 23:56:05 GMT -5
Scheduling : Funnily enough, my H mentioned this yesterday and for someone who says "ffs what have you been googling now?" Seems to be doing an awful lot of reading on relationships the past few days. *Insert hollow laugh*
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 22, 2017 2:01:05 GMT -5
I swore to God after my last refusal four and a half years ago that I'd never expose myself to those sullen and deadening refusals again. And I haven't, but as you get older you realise just how long never is. But at least I get to prove I respect myself at least that much.
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 22, 2017 2:39:38 GMT -5
Scheduling : Funnily enough, my H mentioned this yesterday and for someone who says "ffs what have you been googling now?" Seems to be doing an awful lot of reading on relationships the past few days. *Insert hollow laugh* Thanks Merrygoround, this made me laugh and I needed that. It seems to be a case of "Too late chum" |
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 22, 2017 2:46:05 GMT -5
I swore to God after my last refusal four and a half years ago that I'd never expose myself to those sullen and deadening refusals again. And I haven't, but as you get older you realise just how long never is. But at least I get to prove I respect myself at least that much. Absolutely I went down this path Orangepeel and in my case it's been a total of fourteen years... I'm 2-3 weeks from separation and when I look back I can't believe I did it. Never is a very long time indeed. Towards the end of that time I found it very difficult to deal with. It's a rough road you and I are treading. You don't get those years back; there is no compensation. |
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 22, 2017 4:14:12 GMT -5
I swore to God after my last refusal four and a half years ago that I'd never expose myself to those sullen and deadening refusals again. And I haven't, but as you get older you realise just how long never is. But at least I get to prove I respect myself at least that much. Absolutely I went down this path Orangepeel and in my case it's been a total of fourteen years... I'm 2-3 weeks from separation and when I look back I can't believe I did it. Never is a very long time indeed. Towards the end of that time I found it very difficult to deal with. It's a rough road you and I are treading. You don't get those years back; there is no compensation. Blimey. Four and a half = fourteen = forever. In a weird way it's all the same amount: never trumps it all. How do you feel about the prospect of getting some soon, at least theoretically? |
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