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Post by darktippedrose on Feb 15, 2017 12:39:41 GMT -5
My daughter is starting to notice things.
She wanted me and her dad to go out on a date night. I've told her when she's married and has kids, that I'll watch her kids so she can go on date night with her husband.
She says that husbands and wives are supposed to kiss (we haven't gotten beyond kissing lol).
She asked me if her father loves me. I said that her father loves her, I love her and that that is enough.
I honestly didn't know what to say. I couldn't bring myself to lie and say that he actually loves me because I don't think that he actually does.
Does anyone have advice on this issue?
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 15, 2017 14:38:21 GMT -5
Kids notice things and it's ok to shield them from the total truth.
As she gets older you can reveal more.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 15, 2017 15:12:41 GMT -5
agree there's no need to get into specifics if she is not an adult. may I ask how old your daughter is?
My kids are all in their 20's and while they don't know of the SM specifics of their Mom and me - they do know that we've grown apart considerably over the years. There's lots of ways to explain your situation without having them take your side (or your spouses).
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Post by darktippedrose on Feb 15, 2017 15:53:43 GMT -5
Well all my kidz have autism. this daughter, Daughter A is 11, and is higher functioning. But compared to other girls her age, she is a bit more innocent than they are. She is much more aware of things than her her brother and sister.
Her older sisters from a previous marriage, aren't too happy with their dad. They think he treats me like crap and that I deserve better. And I agree. hehe. He burned that bridge long ago and he doesn't even see it as something that HE did.
anyways.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 15, 2017 18:01:20 GMT -5
After the trauma of my first divorce and the separation from my daughter - I started marriage number 2 and said NEVER again for a divorce no matter what. Stay together for the children no matter what. I like to tell myself I am ONLY still in this marriage for our 2 children together. I am learning a little bit at a time not to lie . . . especially to my own heart. It is a learning process. I am taking action and being more and more honest . . . with myself. IMO that takes a lot of courage.
I agree the children will suffer a little bit no matter what if the D comes to pass . . . but it can be minimized and that begins with Peace and Love every day from both parents no matter what happens between them.
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Post by baza on Feb 15, 2017 21:14:20 GMT -5
You two have been modeling a dysfunctional marriage from the get go Sister darktippedrose.
At least one of the kids can see that *something* ain't kosher and so maybe will take what you and your husband have been modeling as a great example of what NOT to aspire to.
That wouldn't be such a bad legacy.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2017 0:28:15 GMT -5
My perspective is that of a child who grew up with parents who hated each other. Every dinner time was my parents yelling at each other. Dad beat mom and beat us too. Get the picture?
Anyway, fast forward to me getting serious with a woman. She hears that dad was violent and fears that I will be too. All I can say is that what I learned from my parents marriage was what not to do in a marriage.
I carry that every day. Never beat your wife! Always be a loving man and romantic. (even if she is asexual and never will have sex) and on and on.
Then you have my wife. her parents lived in a sexless marriage, as far as I can tell. I believe that wife thinks it is fine to live that way rather then learning that was how not to be married.
so what will your kids take away from mom and dad..?
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Post by darktippedrose on Feb 16, 2017 2:51:47 GMT -5
my daughter has been telling me she wants me to have a nice husband on and off since she was 9.
She says that she wants to kiss her future husband alllllll the time lol.
I haven't even had a kiss in over 3 years. I don't think my husband let me kiss him since my late 20s and I'm turning 33 tomorrow.
oh boy.
So my daughter already wants something different.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 16, 2017 5:36:34 GMT -5
my daughter has been telling me she wants me to have a nice husband on and off since she was 9. She says that she wants to kiss her future husband alllllll the time lol. I haven't even had a kiss in over 3 years. I don't think my husband let me kiss him since my late 20s and I'm turning 33 tomorrow. oh boy. So my daughter already wants something different. I suppose you have mentioned this total lack of intimacy / sex / etc. with your current H? Yes, I assume. Are you the least bit happy in your current Marriage? Do you still "LOVE" him beyond Platonic appreciation respect? Any feelings there at all other than pity? Well we know the choices: Stay, Cheat, Leave . . . Yes, our children know much much more than we think - certainly more than I thought. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Feb 16, 2017 14:02:42 GMT -5
I mentioned before to him, his cheating. he actually admitted it, once. And he downplayed it. Grrrrrr.
he kept on saying what do you want, what do you want?
I have a hard time talking to him because when I do, I freeze up. When my husband changes, he thinks his past actions don't matter. I've mentioned before that he rejected me since 2 weeks of marriage but he acts like its all in the wind.
he's told his friends that I'm too old to want sex. So yeah .......
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2017 14:22:54 GMT -5
I mentioned before to him, his cheating. he actually admitted it, once. And he downplayed it. Grrrrrr. he kept on saying what do you want, what do you want? I have a hard time talking to him because when I do, I freeze up. When my husband changes, he thinks his past actions don't matter. I've mentioned before that he rejected me since 2 weeks of marriage but he acts like its all in the wind. he's told his friends that I'm too old to want sex. So yeah ....... Reading this post seems to me like your reaction to the situation in general and his infidelity in particular is rather muted. You need to work on building up the courage to bring this up and confront him and get a real response from him. You have a very real problem here because of which you are missing out on life. Years slip by. I know easier said than done but there is a thought you could hopefully mull over. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Feb 16, 2017 14:48:09 GMT -5
darktippedrose , what ever you end up telling your daughter, just make sure it aligns with what she is seeing. Divorce happened with my parents when I was a teenager. There were some really loud fights between them followed by icy silence for weeks on end. I watched my dad stuff his belongings into grocery bags, put them in the trunk of his car and drive away. He never really verbally said anything to me about it. My mom did manage to say that they just didn't see eye to eye - or something along those lines. That was during the summer before my last year of high school. My dad had left and I waited. I hoped they would see that this was just something that would pass and they would get back together. Time went on, my dad still never really said anything but seemed eager enough to hand over spending money. My mom just kind of starting focusing on herself and probably didn't really know how to handle a teenage boy. Sometime during that last year of school the divorce became final and my dad was openly dating the woman he had been seeing and my mom began throwing herself to other men (she seemed fond of younger ones). I found out about my dad's affair from people at school (I come from a tiny little town of busybodies). After graduation I left too. I joined the military, which at the time, seemed like a huge mistake but in retrospect seems like the smartest thing I ever did. Anyway, it changed me or I grew up emotionally or a combination of both. After three years I came home. I was at a family celebration of some sort and was talking with my recently widowed aunt. She said to me that she thought my parents should have stayed together "for you kids". I wish that I had been a little older when she said that to me because my response would have been a bit gentler. I said that she had no idea what was going on in that house before the divorce and that I thought it really was for the best. Both of my parents had since gotten remarried and seemed to be leading happy lives at the time. My aunt looked sad and I really don't think we ever spoke much after that. My point is - had one of my parents sat me down and tried to reasonably explain what was going on there would have been a lot less resentment later on. I probably would not have handled it well at the time. But somewhere in the future I would have said "I get it" a lot sooner. I hope this helps.
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Post by obobfla on Feb 16, 2017 18:07:17 GMT -5
I constantly debate whether it is best for my son if I were to divorce my wife. If that were to happen, he would be with me, as she cannot handle him alone. She coddles him too much, doing things that he should be doing himself. She also has a hard time accepting the fact that he is a teenager.
My parents stayed together, setting a wonderful example for me. I sometimes wish I could have that just to show my son what a marriage can be. But instead, his mom and I sleep in separate bedrooms. He sees me get frustrated and yell at her. He starts yelling at her too.
This past week, my wife has been in the hospital. I see that he misses her, yet he is also more relaxed. He gets himself to school and does chores. Right now, I don't bring up divorce because she needs me to help take care of her. But I am wondering if my son and I can do that much longer.
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Post by darktippedrose on Feb 16, 2017 18:29:25 GMT -5
I mentioned before to him, his cheating. he actually admitted it, once. And he downplayed it. Grrrrrr. he kept on saying what do you want, what do you want? I have a hard time talking to him because when I do, I freeze up. When my husband changes, he thinks his past actions don't matter. I've mentioned before that he rejected me since 2 weeks of marriage but he acts like its all in the wind. he's told his friends that I'm too old to want sex. So yeah ....... Reading this post seems to me like your reaction to the situation in general and his infidelity in particular is rather muted. You need to work on building up the courage to bring this up and confront him and get a real response from him. You have a very real problem here because of which you are missing out on life. Years slip by. I know easier said than done but there is a thought you could hopefully mull over. My response is muted because I did the crying and the screaming and the binge eating years before. thats why it seems muted. and I do keep things to myself because after years of dealing with this, my husband has not hit me, but I still freeze up with him. If I talk to him about politics or religion or the kidz, he's relaxed and coo. on a personal level, as a husband etc, nope. nope nope. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Feb 16, 2017 18:32:23 GMT -5
darktippedrose , what ever you end up telling your daughter, just make sure it aligns with what she is seeing. Divorce happened with my parents when I was a teenager. There were some really loud fights between them followed by icy silence for weeks on end. I watched my dad stuff his belongings into grocery bags, put them in the trunk of his car and drive away. He never really verbally said anything to me about it. My mom did manage to say that they just didn't see eye to eye - or something along those lines. That was during the summer before my last year of high school. My dad had left and I waited. I hoped they would see that this was just something that would pass and they would get back together. Time went on, my dad still never really said anything but seemed eager enough to hand over spending money. My mom just kind of starting focusing on herself and probably didn't really know how to handle a teenage boy. Sometime during that last year of school the divorce became final and my dad was openly dating the woman he had been seeing and my mom began throwing herself to other men (she seemed fond of younger ones). I found out about my dad's affair from people at school (I come from a tiny little town of busybodies). After graduation I left too. I joined the military, which at the time, seemed like a huge mistake but in retrospect seems like the smartest thing I ever did. Anyway, it changed me or I grew up emotionally or a combination of both. After three years I came home. I was at a family celebration of some sort and was talking with my recently widowed aunt. She said to me that she thought my parents should have stayed together "for you kids". I wish that I had been a little older when she said that to me because my response would have been a bit gentler. I said that she had no idea what was going on in that house before the divorce and that I thought it really was for the best. Both of my parents had since gotten remarried and seemed to be leading happy lives at the time. My aunt looked sad and I really don't think we ever spoke much after that. My point is - had one of my parents sat me down and tried to reasonably explain what was going on there would have been a lot less resentment later on. I probably would not have handled it well at the time. But somewhere in the future I would have said "I get it" a lot sooner. I hope this helps. my daughter is growing up into a young woman, but is no way ready for somethiing like that kind of an explanation. Oh boy. we haven't even explained what happens after kissing lol. and yes, the aunt was insensitive. Right now I'm injured from slipping in the snow so I need my husband's help. oh boy. but usually I can't think of anything clever to say so I blurt out the truth lol |
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