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Post by ihadalove on Feb 14, 2017 21:41:56 GMT -5
In my last thread I mentioned my wife says "it's not my responsibility" to have sex with me or satisfy me sexually. I'm usually dumbfounded when confronted with this, and unable to respond well. Mostly because the word responsibility wouldn't have been the word that occurred to me. But is it? I think it is a lover's responsibility. But I'm not sure how to explain it. And I wonder what feeds into this mentality. I thought it was a decent stand alone topic. Any thoughts are similar experiences?
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Post by shamwow on Feb 14, 2017 22:14:58 GMT -5
It should not be either party's responsibility. It should be their pleasure.
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Post by baza on Feb 14, 2017 22:27:14 GMT -5
There is very little point in arguing the toss over whether your spouse "should" be doing this - or that.
Particularly as it applies to an ILIASM shithole.
They either ARE doing it, or they are not.
And, as your missus is taking an attitude that it is "not her responsibility to have sex with you" you may as well accept that that is her view, and there is nothing you can do about it. You sure as shit are NOT going to be able to persuade her otherwise (as you have seen first hand in your marriage thus far).
If you were to successfully de-bunk this "not my responsibility" bullshit, another excuse would quickly be concocted.
She doesn't want to fuck you. That's the bottom line.
Under such circumstances, the responsibility shifts over to you.
YOU are responsible for whether you will remain in such an environment, or whether you will not.
If she chooses to dump her responsibilities, that is entirely her choice. It is not a matter over which you have any control at all.
Her choice, as will be the consequences. She owns them both.
Just as you own your choice to stay in the environment, and the consequences that have (and will) ensue from that choice.
She may well have dumped her responsibilities to the marriage and to you.
This may be unfair, inequitable, unscrupulous, unprincipled and just plain old "wrong". But it's a fact.
Over to you now.
The next move, the next choice, is yours. Your responsibility.
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 14, 2017 23:27:13 GMT -5
ihadalove, counter to popular thought, I'll suggest that it *is* a spouse's responsibility / obligation / commitment to be their mate's sexual partner - and their exclusive one, at that. I guarantee if you polled engaged couples, they'd all agree - including your wife. As Baz points out, all that matters now is that she isn't. Whether she's obliged to or not isn't relevant except to lay blame. Laying blame doesn't change the facts.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2017 23:32:04 GMT -5
Counter to popular thought, I'll suggest that it *is* a spouse's responsibility / obligation / commitment to be their mate's sexual partner - and their exclusive one, at that. I guarantee if you polled engaged couples, they'd all agree - including your wife. This. All day long. For goodness sakes. If it's not her responsibility, than whose is it? Ask her that! I'd like to hear the answer. Surely she's not suggesting it's another woman's responsibility. And if she's suggesting celibacy to you, then you can feel free to suggest divorce. Sex is for marriage and marriage is for sex. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Feb 14, 2017 23:52:34 GMT -5
I think it isn't a responsibility. But if my mate said it's not his responsibility to satisfy my sexual needs, then I hope I would have the gumption to say: You're right. It is my responsibility. Given that, I'm going to find someone who doesn't think of it in this way, someone who will find it fun instead a chore.
(*oh yeah - that kinda is what I've already done. Well, except for finding a mate. I got out though, & took my responsibility for directing my own actions along with me when I left)
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Post by csl on Feb 15, 2017 0:24:52 GMT -5
When you say "I do," you are promising to do your spouse, pure and simple.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 15, 2017 5:19:19 GMT -5
There is very little point in arguing the toss over whether your spouse "should" be doing this - or that. Particularly as it applies to an ILIASM shithole. They either ARE doing it, or they are not. And, as your missus is taking an attitude that it is "not her responsibility to have sex with you" you may as well accept that that is her view, and there is nothing you can do about it. You sure as shit are NOT going to be able to persuade her otherwise (as you have seen first hand in your marriage thus far). If you were to successfully de-bunk this "not my responsibility" bullshit, another excuse would quickly be concocted. She doesn't want to fuck you. That's the bottom line. Under such circumstances, the responsibility shifts over to you. YOU are responsible for whether you will remain in such an environment, or whether you will not. If she chooses to dump her responsibilities, that is entirely her choice. It is not a matter over which you have any control at all. Her choice, as will be the consequences. She owns them both. Just as you own your choice to stay in the environment, and the consequences that have (and will) ensue from that choice. She may well have dumped her responsibilities to the marriage and to you. This may be unfair, inequitable, unscrupulous, unprincipled and just plain old "wrong". But it's a fact. Over to you now. The next move, the next choice, is yours. Your responsibility. Absolutely - Next choice / the RESPONSIBILITY and OWNERSHIP of that choice is now yours. Only thing I can add to Baza's comment is just be HONEST/TRUE with YOURSELF (me personally, if there is anybody I really know how to lie to and I think I get away with it . . . it is lying to myself). |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 10:50:39 GMT -5
In my last thread I mentioned my wife says "it's not my responsibility" to have sex with me or satisfy me sexually. I'm usually dumbfounded when confronted with this, and unable to respond well. Mostly because the word responsibility wouldn't have been the word that occurred to me. But is it? I think it is a lover's responsibility. But I'm not sure how to explain it. And I wonder what feeds into this mentality. I thought it was a decent stand alone topic. Any thoughts are similar experiences? Yes, it is her responsibility. If she does not think it is, she is free to hold that opinion. And you have every right to free her from this responsibility that she does not want by divorcing her. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 15, 2017 12:58:02 GMT -5
Responsibilities in marriage. You are going to discover this covers many other aspects of your marriage. These words and guidelines fall under the same umbrella.
Duties, pledges, commitments, promises, vows, ideas, values, agreements, covenants, boundaries, giving, receiving, enforcing, implementing, restricting, allowing, etc...
Soon will come the onslaught of, "That's not my concern, that's not my problem, I don't see the need for it, it's not that important, it doesn't mean anything to me, you get to upset, it doesn't bother me, I'm fine without it, I don't feel that way, I don't think I'll ever be ready, etc.."
What feeds this mentality? She is a controller. She lures you into thinking you are compromising, that you are being the strong one by not being needy, by giving in, by making her happy, by being such a "nice guy". The only one who's happy is her. You did 100 % of the compromising, she gave 0%.
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Post by iceman on Feb 15, 2017 13:08:15 GMT -5
I don't see marital sex as a responsibility for either spouse. Sex is a defining component of marriage. It is one of pillars that form the foundation of a marriage. Without it the marriage crumbles. The fact that she views sex as a repsonbility says about all you need to know when it comes to how she views sex and its importance in the marriage. She doesn't see sex as an integral part of marriage. She sees it as merely an activity that she can unilaterally decide to decline anytime she decides without thinking there are any long term consequences.
If she does feel that she isn't obligated to be your sexual partner does she feel that you should take on the responsibility of seeking sex as you see fit, and even if it means going outside the marriage? Or does she expect you to be celibate? I suspect it's the latter.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 15, 2017 14:43:39 GMT -5
The way the discussion is framed around "responsibility" as it pertains to sex says so much.
What is the nature of a "responsibility?"
Wiping a baby's bum.
Feeding the dog.
Mowing the lawn.
Taking out the garbage.
Washing the dishes.
Showing up to work on time.
Chopping wood for the fire.
Cleaning gutters.
Tending the garden.
These are responsibilities: the duties one accepts in taking on and maintaining a role in a relationship, or of simply being human. Avoid responsibility and a price is paid elsewhere.
A responsibility is the COST of living, which you pay to accept a benefit.
When a partner tells you "Your sexual needs are not my responsibility", they are accidentally telling you exactly how they feel about having sex with you.
Listen to your partner.
Sex with you is a COST to them and they are telling you and showing you that they are no longer willing to pay it.
If they love you, it's on par with wiping your baby's bum. It's not enjoyable. It can be attended to with care and efficiency, even some engagement in the task, but it's still disposing of shit.
For you, the intimacy you seek with your partner is the BENEFIT itself. It's a reason WHY you get married, and why you give up your chance with others.
For your partner, the intimacy with you is an EXPENSE, grudgingly paid to obtain other benefits associated with the relationship.
We can chase our tails arguing about whether a spouse is living up to a responsibility in a marriage or not, but it's all downstream from the real problem, which is that one person in the partnership is paying a price in an endeavour that is meant to be a benefit. For you, sex isn't a responsibility at all. It's one reason why we DO all this.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 15, 2017 14:49:54 GMT -5
I don't see sex as a responsibility at all. That's like me saying to my kids it's not my responsibility to hug and kiss you. I would never say that and I would never think to not hug and kiss my kids because I love them and I like to show that love. Cleaning the toilet, paying the bills that's a responsibility. Intimacy and affection are not responsibilities they are displays of love.
Maybe the fact that we stop displaying intimacy and affection is the barometer of the romantic love which I have always said is different than the love we have for kids and parents.
Romantic love is perishable like a flower in the garden if we don't tend to it and water it and care for it.
Love for our kids is timeless and pure.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 15, 2017 15:02:15 GMT -5
Furthermore I wish my H would have said those words to me instead of all the lies and excuses because then I would have heard the truth.
That's all he would have had to say is "it's not my responsibility to have sex with you" and I would have had him served ASAP because it's not my responsibility to be married to a man that doesn't want to fuck me.
However my H would have never said that to me he's smarter than that! As well as selfish and a warped sense of reality.
Thank God I found EP and saw the light!
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 15, 2017 16:51:56 GMT -5
Sex in marriage is not a responsibility. I can agree with that about 90%. The other 10% has to do with your obligation, as iceman said. When one partner is too tired, not ready, or having medical or emotional problems, that's when the responsibility to the marriage kicks in, to go above and beyond, to serve your partners needs, by doing your best to make it a win, win, situation for both of you.
Even the simple things are a responsibility, going to bed at the same time, getting up early, not staying up to late, arranging your schedule, giving compliments, hints, advances, receiving advances and taking action. Not just sitting back all horny and think, "Gee I wonder what's going to happen?"
Both members of a marriage, said "I do", not "I don't", they agreed that the only person on the planet that would fill their sexual needs is each other. That should include the times when it doesn't always just come naturally. Both of you will have to continue to work at, plan it schedule it, feed it, etc... Life gets in the way, jobs, careers, finances, children, relatives, disease, etc... The natural flow happens, along with the responsibility to keep it happening.
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