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Post by rejected101 on Feb 15, 2017 19:17:07 GMT -5
She is correct and it is not her responsibility. Equally is not your responsibility to work at being faithful. It is not your responsibility to treat her, to be considerate towards her hopes, dreams and passions. It is not your responsibility to make her feel good and be her shoulder to cry on when she feels bad. It is not your responsibility to do anything that you didn't want to do anyway meaning when you do it you only did it for yourself. You've probably worked out by now that my real view is that it is her responsibility. If not hers who's is it?
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 15, 2017 19:36:02 GMT -5
She is correct and it is not her responsibility. Equally is not your responsibility to work at being faithful. It is not your responsibility to treat her, to be considerate towards her hopes, dreams and passions. It is not your responsibility to make her feel good and be her shoulder to cry on when she feels bad. It is not your responsibility to do anything that you didn't want to do anyway meaning when you do it you only did it for yourself. You've probably worked out by now that my real view is that it is her responsibility. If not hers who's is it? Exactly!! Who's responsibility is it? And if spouses turn the relationship into a roommate situation then I say treat them like a roommate. Split things down the middle, do you cook for a roommate? That was tough for me because I had to cook for my kids and he reaped the benefit as well I needed to keep peace in the house for the kids. I had so much anger and resentment with him eating the food I prepared, at that point I had to divorce. |
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 15, 2017 20:20:35 GMT -5
She is correct and it is not her responsibility. Equally is not your responsibility to work at being faithful. It is not your responsibility to treat her, to be considerate towards her hopes, dreams and passions. It is not your responsibility to make her feel good and be her shoulder to cry on when she feels bad. It is not your responsibility to do anything that you didn't want to do anyway meaning when you do it you only did it for yourself. You've probably worked out by now that my real view is that it is her responsibility. If not hers who's is it? Exactly!! Who's responsibility is it? And if spouses turn the relationship into a roommate situation then I say treat them like a roommate. Split things down the middle, do you cook for a roommate? That was tough for me because I had to cook for my kids and he reaped the benefit as well I needed to keep peace in the house for the kids. I had so much anger and resentment with him eating the food I prepared, at that point I had to divorce. Unfortunately we live in a world now where if you dare to say it is your spouses responsibility to have sex with you a little more often or even at all, you can quickly be labelled as a pest, one track minded, sex obsessed and so on and so on. The list is practically endless and riddled with unsightly names for people like us and thus we usually end up without a voice. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 15, 2017 22:00:55 GMT -5
Exactly!! Who's responsibility is it? And if spouses turn the relationship into a roommate situation then I say treat them like a roommate. Split things down the middle, do you cook for a roommate? That was tough for me because I had to cook for my kids and he reaped the benefit as well I needed to keep peace in the house for the kids. I had so much anger and resentment with him eating the food I prepared, at that point I had to divorce. Unfortunately we live in a world now where if you dare to say it is your spouses responsibility to have sex with you a little more often or even at all, you can quickly be labelled as a pest, one track minded, sex obsessed and so on and so on. The list is practically endless and riddled with unsightly names for people like us and thus we usually end up without a voice. That's true, but I have been pleasantly surprised how many people will agree with you ,(when you mention your spouses responsibility to have sex with you) in a one on one conversation. Many find it a relief that someone else gets it or has been there. It's easy to get caught up in what Hollywood, the media, and old traditions try to tell us. |
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Post by baza on Feb 16, 2017 1:33:04 GMT -5
Something to keep in mind here is that a refusers excuse does NOT have to make logical sense.
All the excuse needs to do is to confuse the spouse, and get their focus off what a shithole their marriage is.
In this case, chasing a definition of 'responsibility' as it applies to spousal roles in the dynamic.
Brother cloudless' own words here in the original post - "I'm usually dumbfounded when confronted with this, and unable to respond well. Mostly because the word responsibility wouldn't have been the word that occurred to me. But is it?" indicates that Mrs cloudless has succeeded in getting the focus off the main issue, and on to a sidebar to the main game.
And, that's all the refusive spouses' excuse has to achieve.
It doesn't have to make any objective sense.
Now, if the "responsibility" arguement is blown up, and shown to be bullshit, then another excuse to get the focus off the core problem will be produced.
For example, a claim that you are "obsessed by sex". That being designed to get you checking out if there is any veracity to the claim - and naturally keeping your focus off the main game.
It's referred to in here as "why chasing" and is about the most unproductive use of ones time there is.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 16, 2017 10:35:44 GMT -5
[...] Now, if the "responsibility" argument is blown up, and shown to be bullshit, then another excuse to get the focus off the core problem will be produced. It isn't bullshit; it's the devastating truth of their difference. His wife regards sex with him as a chore or duty - something she doesn't want to do, but which might pay off in other benefits. He regards sex with his wife as a the benefit itself. Basically, she's telling him to his face that she regards sex with him in the category of "responsibility" rather than "joy". Depletive. No matter what arguments are made, these arrows are pointing in different directions. |
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Post by cc on Feb 17, 2017 21:38:57 GMT -5
Wow. It is your spouse's right, responsibility, and JOY to be the one person that can build you up and release you. It is a bond! It is damned magical. It is a place you retreat to forget about the world. It makes the crap day, job, and issues better. You can say, let's just lose ourselves in each other for a bit, leave that mess over there. It is a rejuvenation! I longed for years to be his escape, his release, his siren. They have no clue what it means for us to not be allowed to be that.
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Post by wom360 on Feb 17, 2017 21:55:49 GMT -5
It's only your right so long as it's your responsibility as well.
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Post by thefullmoon on Feb 18, 2017 9:47:17 GMT -5
In my last thread I mentioned my wife says "it's not my responsibility" to have sex with me or satisfy me sexually. I'm usually dumbfounded when confronted with this, and unable to respond well. Mostly because the word responsibility wouldn't have been the word that occurred to me. But is it? I think it is a lover's responsibility. But I'm not sure how to explain it. And I wonder what feeds into this mentality. I thought it was a decent stand alone topic. Any thoughts are similar experiences? I stupidly thought that "to have and to hold, to love and cherish..." means exactly taking care (as well as everything else) about sexual needs of the partner...but "responsibility" is more in joking sense as to please the beloved husband or wife is a priviledge and pleasure... |
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Post by cc on Feb 18, 2017 16:15:28 GMT -5
baza , right on the money. I haven't been on this board a long time, but in those short months I've swung from thinking, "I will do whatever I can to save my marriage, if possible" to thinking, "I will do whatever I can to be happy and to show my kids how to love themselves." Wife is optional. Her agreement is optional. This, or any, marriage is optional. And really, any partner who "gets me" or "desires sex with me" is pretty optional too. That's just trading one disappointing relationship for another equally disappointing relationship. It's not about me bending to that logical argument of "ought to" or "responsibility", or trying to convince someone they should have sex, or that it's their obligation in a marriage. She'll think whatever she wants to think. She changes her story at times when she sees I'm getting ready to follow through and leave. No logical argument is going to change someone else's reality. They're either open to working on their self and changing...or they're not. Whoa, your just making too much sense. I think your right on the money,too. Save |
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