asking for so little, I now ask for nothing
Feb 13, 2017 12:34:48 GMT -5
Rhapsodee, DryCreek, and 6 more like this
Post by Dan on Feb 13, 2017 12:34:48 GMT -5
(Sorry in advance that this is so long. Just stream of consciousness rambling… part Valentine’s day annoyance; part reflection on how I got so deep into my “counter refusing” -- or “why I don’t even ask her for sex anymore”.)
OK... past few days I've been moping around a bit around her. I was really planning on doing NOTHING for Valentine's Day. Very counter to my nature, as I'm such a romance addict that is is actually difficult. Or rather: the sense of "defeat" of being in an SM is just that more piqued as I try not to think about the lack of intimacy.
Well, a few days ago she dropped a hint of something nice I could get for her; nothing expensive, just one of her favorite desserts from a bakery near my office. Hey, if this was a Valentine’s Day request in a normal marriage with a normal healthy sex life, a husband would/should be thrilled that the wife a) dropped a hint, b) it is so easy to accomplish. But it just has me moping: me planning to do nothing was already sort of a big step for me, so now that there is an obvious something to get her is annoying and disheartening.
Then out of the blue last night she asked: and what do you want for Valentine's Day? I think I answered "I dunno; I haven't much thought about it." Which is true. I don't want anything from her. But this is not just a superficial "please don't get me anything for Valentine’s Day". This is a VERY DEEP CHASM in our marriage. You see, for the two decades where I was trying to ramp up her sexiness, she would always trot out the reason why she wasn't interest in sex tonight/this week/this month. So often it was "because I am tired out by all the work I have done" or "because I am burdened by all the stuff I have yet to do". She would cite: chores, parenting stuff, house stuff.... just normal life stuff. She would cite her worries about: our kids, our finances, our health… just normal life stuff. In retrospect she would point out family traumas like sick kids, job loss, parents passing away… ok, severe, but still: normal life stuff.
So for years and years and years I just tried to address our sexlessness by a) doing more for her, b) asking less of her. It just seemed like the thing a good husband would do, I guess. And for those decades... I was hopeful. Hopeful the quantity and variety of sex would increase. Hopeful she pop out of the fog of chores and be a normal, happy, healthy person... with a sex drive that would suit a normal, marital sex life.
Anyway, the “ask less of her” has now reached its zenith. Other than “please pass the salt” and “if you are going to be at the grocery store, can you please pick up that yogurt I like”, I really don’t ask ANYTHING of her, IMO. I might ask “are you cooking dinner tonight?” but even that is just so I can prepare: if she isn’t, then I’ll cook, or decide we’ll have leftovers. But -- you see, in my head -- I’m not actually asking her to cook for the family… just asking her what her plans are.
And of course, I don’t ask her for sex. So that is my “counter-refusing” story: while “not asking her for anything” is a pattern I developed to try to allow her more “her time” so she could get to a place where she’d want to have sex with me… it now is the cause of our sexlessness, as “sex” is one of the things I don’t ask her for, either.
OK... past few days I've been moping around a bit around her. I was really planning on doing NOTHING for Valentine's Day. Very counter to my nature, as I'm such a romance addict that is is actually difficult. Or rather: the sense of "defeat" of being in an SM is just that more piqued as I try not to think about the lack of intimacy.
Well, a few days ago she dropped a hint of something nice I could get for her; nothing expensive, just one of her favorite desserts from a bakery near my office. Hey, if this was a Valentine’s Day request in a normal marriage with a normal healthy sex life, a husband would/should be thrilled that the wife a) dropped a hint, b) it is so easy to accomplish. But it just has me moping: me planning to do nothing was already sort of a big step for me, so now that there is an obvious something to get her is annoying and disheartening.
Then out of the blue last night she asked: and what do you want for Valentine's Day? I think I answered "I dunno; I haven't much thought about it." Which is true. I don't want anything from her. But this is not just a superficial "please don't get me anything for Valentine’s Day". This is a VERY DEEP CHASM in our marriage. You see, for the two decades where I was trying to ramp up her sexiness, she would always trot out the reason why she wasn't interest in sex tonight/this week/this month. So often it was "because I am tired out by all the work I have done" or "because I am burdened by all the stuff I have yet to do". She would cite: chores, parenting stuff, house stuff.... just normal life stuff. She would cite her worries about: our kids, our finances, our health… just normal life stuff. In retrospect she would point out family traumas like sick kids, job loss, parents passing away… ok, severe, but still: normal life stuff.
So for years and years and years I just tried to address our sexlessness by a) doing more for her, b) asking less of her. It just seemed like the thing a good husband would do, I guess. And for those decades... I was hopeful. Hopeful the quantity and variety of sex would increase. Hopeful she pop out of the fog of chores and be a normal, happy, healthy person... with a sex drive that would suit a normal, marital sex life.
Anyway, the “ask less of her” has now reached its zenith. Other than “please pass the salt” and “if you are going to be at the grocery store, can you please pick up that yogurt I like”, I really don’t ask ANYTHING of her, IMO. I might ask “are you cooking dinner tonight?” but even that is just so I can prepare: if she isn’t, then I’ll cook, or decide we’ll have leftovers. But -- you see, in my head -- I’m not actually asking her to cook for the family… just asking her what her plans are.
And of course, I don’t ask her for sex. So that is my “counter-refusing” story: while “not asking her for anything” is a pattern I developed to try to allow her more “her time” so she could get to a place where she’d want to have sex with me… it now is the cause of our sexlessness, as “sex” is one of the things I don’t ask her for, either.
