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Post by bballgirl on Feb 14, 2017 17:07:58 GMT -5
I asked for less and less too. One day I realized I was doing literally everything. I needed him for nothing. This gave me the confidence to be comfortable to live on my own.
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Post by Dan on Feb 14, 2017 22:27:01 GMT -5
I want to thank all my dear friends here for perusing this and my former [even rantier] post about Valentine's Day. "Valentine's Day expectations" are just sticking in my throat ten times worse than in earlier years.
Just a quick note that "I survived" the day that seemed to fill me with so much dread this year! And I'm not really that sad or anything. I think annoyed is more to the point. Not annoyed with her: annoyed that I don't have any options I'm 100% comfortable with.
A few of you asked earnest questions about my situation; I'll plan to reply to those tomorrow, just in case anyone wants to weigh in on other factors for me to consider.
Again: I really am glad you all are here... and -- FYI -- I'm really not all that ranty in person... as long as you don't ask me to contemplate my marriage!
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Post by Dan on Feb 15, 2017 9:55:15 GMT -5
If you don't mind my asking, how sexless are we talking? Like once every month, year, or multiple years? In my opinion, if you are down to once or twice a year I would genuinely ask for her to give you a romantic and sexual night. I have said that before. What do you want for your birthday? " I want you to touch me all day and and I want you to make sure I am taken care of the way you know I want" (that was probably one of the best birthdays ever). If you don't think that is something that will ever happen or are not even excited about the idea of it, this is my passive aggressive self, I would get her the wrong dessert. Mean, but one of those I thought about you, but not really jabs (god I'm a jerk). Or just actually do your plan and get her nothing, that would be a great way to get her flared up about your lack of 'loving attention' I'm sorry for this time of year, anniversaries are killer too. Since you asked... I'd say that 2010 was my first "clinically sexless" year (generally defined as fewer than 10 times per year), and it has been clinically sexless ever since. Sex three times in 2010, and maybe we've had sex 15 times in all in the past seven years. In that period, there has been two periods of 12 consecutive months of ZERO sex; and now I'm in an 18 month drought. The problem at this point is: I don't even want her sexually any more. We still sleep in the same bed, and there is some light occasional spooning, which is nice enough. But I feel so demoralized at the thought of initiating that I just don't. And the few time in the past two years she has feebly attempted to initiate, I get INTENSELY sad. I think all I can think about is "sure, you're giving it a try now... but where have you been for the previous 26 years?" So is the sexual relationship salvageable? I can't for the life of me envision that it is. But am I ready to declare "it is impossible"? No, not yet. (That is not quite a contradiction... but admittedly it is close.) I know folks say "if it is over, just go; you can't get these years back." But that is why I'm staying a few more years: I don't want to miss these next few years with my kids; I have three still at home (two teens and a 20-something) plus a 25-year old getting married this year. This is an extremely formative period for ALL of them. I like and value being a father too much to add the distraction of a marital split at this time. I will never have "the last few high school years" with my kids again... so I'm staying... for a bit. Sure, that means I'm putting off dating for a bit, which would be nice to have someone to date and be romantic with. (How I miss that!) But I've decided I would miss "being THERE, being the dad they need right now" even more. That is also the period that I'm allowing myself to admit: "reconciliation of my marital sex life IS impossible"... and "therefore, divorce is the best option, despite how tough it will be." SO: therein lies my self-imposed conflict: I'm staying in the household... even though the marital sex life is depressing. I apologize that that means I occasionally have the need to grouse, and that you all are subjected to that grousing... but I also thank you all deeply. As for V-day: I called the bakery; they didn't have the cake she requested. But I picked out an alternate, and it was appreciated. Went to bed; she didn't attempt to initiate, and I was relieved. Another V-day down; another emotional bullet dodged. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 15, 2017 10:26:12 GMT -5
@dan This is EXACTLY where I was about 2 weeks ago.
Since December 31, 2015 (NEw Years Eve) - I made a conscious decision not even to kiss or say "I love you" or anything (and it had been say 15 months since last sex). No exceptions - I dropped her off at the airport - not even a kiss good-bye, I accidentally touch her - I would say "Excuse me" - pure Room Mate situation. And frankly , Pure Hell too.
So what happened a bit organically is tension built - probably from me mostly and we had an argument about a little thing that turned into an agreement for Divorce after about 20 minutes.
Next was a "Reset Sex" and that petered out pretty fast and probably will re-kindle again this evening (1 day delayed St. Valentines Day dinner).
THE POINT - sorry I am trying to make:
1) Do you want to stay in the Marriage?
2) Do you still Love her beyond "Platonic" / Friend / Appreciation type love? In love or affection?
3) If the answer to both the above - I would say DIRECT CONFRONTATION and lay it all on the table - Dramatic change or you are out of the Marriage - as was warned to me and you know too - Only bring up the DIVORCE word if you are prepared to go thru (credibility counts maximum).
ALTERNATIVELY - Are you resigned to this life and this marriage as is? Good Lord, I do have a heart and Empathy and Sadness abounds in it for you if so.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 15, 2017 10:29:46 GMT -5
@dan Sorry I posted after your earlier comment - Well hang in there - I am at the point where Enough is Enough - I don't care what is happening in the family - I cannot take it any more. Admire your stamina and endurance.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 16, 2017 8:28:14 GMT -5
I asked for less and less too. One day I realized I was doing literally everything. I needed him for nothing. This gave me the confidence to be comfortable to live on my own. It's all steps in the cycle. Having the FOG lifted, getting rid of all your spouses excess baggage, and working on dealing with your own. |
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Post by LITW on Feb 17, 2017 11:17:12 GMT -5
These are the days when one's marriage feels like a (sexual) prison.
You are allowed to "have" your sexuality, but it is in cuffs, and kept in a windowless room on the far end of the basement.
Every once in a while, the jailer will slip a saltine under the door, but other than that, it is ignored.
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Post by cc on Feb 17, 2017 21:31:59 GMT -5
Dan, I so get it! I am a hopeless romantic. Like live and breathe for that mess! The only thing I ever really wanted was my romantic partner in life. I have recently given up, too. I don't ask for anything. It was my first Valentine's/Anniversary that I didn't have sex. I didn't ask. I couldn't stomach it. It was fine until I finally burst. HUGS It isn't easy. I actually didn't give my husband anything for the first time ever. It was hard, but if this goes the direction I think it is going, I have to start living like we aren't married.
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Post by cc on Feb 17, 2017 21:32:54 GMT -5
I asked for less and less too. One day I realized I was doing literally everything. I needed him for nothing. This gave me the confidence to be comfortable to live on my own. This is where I am, I think. Save |
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Post by cc on Feb 17, 2017 21:33:51 GMT -5
These are the days when one's marriage feels like a (sexual) prison. You are allowed to "have" your sexuality, but it is in cuffs, and kept in a windowless room on the far end of the basement. Every once in a while, the jailer will slip a saltine under the door, but other than that, it is ignored. ...and the saltine just makes us thirsty as heck.  It is better to not lift the dam. Save |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Feb 17, 2017 22:34:23 GMT -5
If you don't mind my asking, how sexless are we talking? Like once every month, year, or multiple years? Since you asked... I'd say that 2010 was my first "clinically sexless" year (generally defined as fewer than 10 times per year), and it has been clinically sexless ever since. Sex three times in 2010, and maybe we've had sex 15 times in all in the past seven years. In that period, there has been two periods of 12 consecutive months of ZERO sex; and now I'm in an 18 month drought. The problem at this point is: I don't even want her sexually any more. We still sleep in the same bed, and there is some light occasional spooning, which is nice enough. But I feel so demoralized at the thought of initiating that I just don't. And the few time in the past two years she has feebly attempted to initiate, I get INTENSELY sad. I think all I can think about is "sure, you're giving it a try now... but where have you been for the previous 26 years?" So is the sexual relationship salvageable? I can't for the life of me envision that it is. But am I ready to declare "it is impossible"? No, not yet. (That is not quite a contradiction... but admittedly it is close.) I know folks say "if it is over, just go; you can't get these years back." But that is why I'm staying a few more years: I don't want to miss these next few years with my kids; I have three still at home (two teens and a 20-something) plus a 25-year old getting married this year. This is an extremely formative period for ALL of them. I like and value being a father too much to add the distraction of a marital split at this time. I will never have "the last few high school years" with my kids again... so I'm staying... for a bit. Sure, that means I'm putting off dating for a bit, which would be nice to have someone to date and be romantic with. (How I miss that!) But I've decided I would miss "being THERE, being the dad they need right now" even more. That is also the period that I'm allowing myself to admit: "reconciliation of my marital sex life IS impossible"... and "therefore, divorce is the best option, despite how tough it will be." SO: therein lies my self-imposed conflict: I'm staying in the household... even though the marital sex life is depressing. I apologize that that means I occasionally have the need to grouse, and that you all are subjected to that grousing... but I also thank you all deeply. As for V-day: I called the bakery; they didn't have the cake she requested. But I picked out an alternate, and it was appreciated. Went to bed; she didn't attempt to initiate, and I was relieved. Another V-day down; another emotional bullet dodged. You stay because after weighing everything up in it's entirety, you wouldn't actually be any happier if you left at this time. You stay because you realise that leaving won't bring back the 'lost' years of intimacy. You stay because you started out on this journey with your children and even though they are in the older age bracket, it is still very much a functioning family ( intimacy issues with your W aside) and some special times ahead which you don't ( understandably) want to Mar. Some things, if ruined can never be fixed. You stay because you have come this far in their lives and want to finish what you started. For you it's the right thing to do. Sometimes it's a case of looking at how many people will be hurt by our actions. Looking after number one is all very well, but it's not always the " right thing to do" at any one time. When they all move out and on with their lives you will have accomplished something great. But at what personal cost? There will be a sense of achievement coupled with a sense of failure, but that failure is not ours. No matter how much we try to ' fix' our partners, if they don't actually want to be fixed, then there should BE no sense of failure. One person can only do so much. The proverbial ball is permanently in their court. How they choose to play it is up to them, but they WILL ultimately have to deal with the consequences |
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Post by Dan on Feb 18, 2017 21:15:58 GMT -5
Since you asked... ... SO: therein lies my self-imposed conflict: I'm staying in the household... even though the marital sex life is depressing. I apologize that that means I occasionally have the need to grouse, and that you all are subjected to that grousing... but I also thank you all deeply. You stay because after weighing everything up in it's entirety, you wouldn't actually be any happier if you left at this time. You stay because you realise that leaving won't bring back the 'lost' years of intimacy. You stay because you started out on this journey with your children and even though they are in the older age bracket, it is still very much a functioning family ( intimacy issues with your W aside) and some special times ahead which you don't ( understandably) want to Mar. Some things, if ruined can never be fixed. You stay because you have come this far in their lives and want to finish what you started. For you it's the right thing to do. Sometimes it's a case of looking at how many people will be hurt by our actions. Looking after number one is all very well, but it's not always the "right thing to do" at any one time. When they all move out and on with their lives you will have accomplished something great. But at what personal cost? There will be a sense of achievement... You have so perfectly framed my decision to stay; perhaps said it better than I have, to-date. You have correctly perceived that I would NOT be happier if I left at this time... because I would feel responsible for the emotional havoc it would needless wreak on the family. Yes, there IS a personal cost to staying, but the benefit to my kids and to myself will be worth it. What I stand to gain is the feeling I have fulfilled my primary role as father: get them "launched" in to the world as young adults, to the best of my ability. Thank you for this, seabr33z3. |
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Post by LITW on Feb 21, 2017 10:03:51 GMT -5
These are the days when one's marriage feels like a (sexual) prison. You are allowed to "have" your sexuality, but it is in cuffs, and kept in a windowless room on the far end of the basement. Every once in a while, the jailer will slip a saltine under the door, but other than that, it is ignored. ...and the saltine just makes us thirsty as heck. It is better to not lift the dam. SaveTruth. And that truth is what makes us avoid reset sex, or at least wish it didn't happen because it gives us false hope ... so we find ourselves avoiding that which we desperately want. I generally avoid using course language, in this case its appropriate: Sexless marriages are such a mindfuck |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 21, 2017 12:05:05 GMT -5
@dan, Counter-refusing is a trap. Once you start doing it there's no going back. I don't even know how to approach him for sex anymore. He comes near me and a protective barrier goes up.
Neither of us knows how to breach this abyss. He seems sad that something is forever gone from the marriage. This realization makes me feel guilty for counter refusing. If only he were willing to go to therapy with me and work it out.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 21, 2017 12:55:01 GMT -5
@dan, Counter-refusing is a trap. Once you start doing it there's no going back. I don't even know how to approach him for sex anymore. He comes near me and a protective barrier goes up. Neither of us knows how to breach this abyss. He seems sad that something is forever gone from the marriage. This realization makes me feel guilty for counter refusing. If only he were willing to go to therapy with me and work it out. I do truly believe there is a point of no return. I'm also past that point now. I think the only thing therapy would do for us is become a "he said, she said" childish battle. Because any discussion I would try to have would be thrown back at me as being my fault every time. And nothing would be resolved and money would be wasted. Truly very sad.
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It is better to not lift the dam. 
