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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 11:53:48 GMT -5
So, I tried to have the 'i would like us to discuss separation' conversation 2 days ago. He genuinely has no idea why I would think it. He doesn't think our marriage is sexless. Anyway, have been bought flowers, been told he loves me, but no reset sex this time. Anyway, I just tried to bring it up again, and he really did not think I was serious. He has used every excuse he can think of for lack of intimacy from him. Mainly to do with him not feeling well (yet I am the one with chronic fatigue....). I did say a bit sarcastically, so you've been feeling ill for 16 years then???
So, now he has been nasty, saying I am cold and heartless and ungrateful. Then he says 'well, I'll go and find someone else then,who does want me'. I know he will be horrible to me now, as it's me that h a s the issue not him. He is happy.
He knows this hits a raw nerve, as the years of rejection make me dread him finding someone he actually clicks with, while I am left alone. I never once said i am off to find someone else, I have just suggested separation. Besides which it's him that doesn't want me!!
Bloody confusing. And now I am feeling a little sorry for myself......
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Post by lyn on Feb 12, 2017 12:41:46 GMT -5
richfairy72. Well, you're shaking up his world and he is scared shitless. He's not going to tell you this of course but his actions and words are screaming it. Good for you for bringing it up - if it just sits, however, it means nothing and you lose any credibility you may have where he's concerned. Do you actually want to separate or are you looking for a reaction from him? If you truly feel that now is the time to leave, then his nastiness is just words-....... just meaningless blah blah blah. Trying to hurt you because he is afraid. His own natural acts of self-preservation. It would be so much easier if he would just want to have sex with you and help create the intimacy that's sorely absent. I'm sorry to be blunt, but the likelihood of that happening is hovering somewhere around 0%. Either you stay and live your life as fully as you can - never expecting sex or intimacy the way that works for you (at least from him), or, you go - start healing - put together a life for yourself full of self respect. In the meantime, I would really suggest putting together your exit action plan. Look at your budget, speak with an attorney so that you know where you sit financially (if you have children, find out child support and custody options), look at apartments -even if just online, seek out therapy if you haven't - put yourself in the best position physically, and mentally possible. It's scary - the prospect of leaving what you know for a life unknown, but, probably even scarier to stay in a life that you know is not going to change unless you do something drastic. YOU cannot change him. I remember reading some of your previous posts and it sounds like he's sexually averse. I.e., doesn't want sex, doesn't like sex, repelled by the thought of sex. I could be way off base - but this is how it seems. In any case, you deserve to loved completely. That's it. The end.
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Post by obobfla on Feb 12, 2017 12:52:24 GMT -5
Feeling sorry for yourself is never good. Wish I could come over the pond to take you out dancing!
You are definitely not cold, heartless, or cruel. He is by denying you the intimacy you need.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2017 12:55:53 GMT -5
richfairy72. Well, you're shaking up his world and he is scared shitless. He's not going to tell you this of course but his actions and words are screaming it. Good for you for bringing it up - if it just sits, however, it means nothing and you lose any credibility you may have where he's concerned. Do you actually want to separate or are you looking for a reaction from him? If you truly feel that now is the time to leave, then his nastiness is just words-....... just meaningless blah blah blah. Trying to hurt you because he is afraid. His own natural acts of self-preservation. It would be so much easier if he would just want to have sex with you and help create the intimacy that's sorely absent. I'm sorry to be blunt, but the likelihood of that happening is hovering somewhere around 0%. Either you stay and live your life as fully as you can - never expecting sex or intimacy the way that works for you (at least from him), or, you go - start healing - put together a life for yourself full of self respect. In the meantime, I would really suggest putting together your exit action plan. Look at your budget, speak with an attorney so that you know where you sit financially (if you have children, find out child support and custody options), look at apartments -even if just online, seek out therapy if you haven't - put yourself in the best position physically, and mentally possible. It's scary - the prospect of leaving what you know for a life unknown, but, probably even scarier to stay in a life that you know is not going to change unless you do something drastic. YOU cannot change him. I remember reading some of your previous posts and it sounds like he's sexually averse. I.e., doesn't want sex, doesn't like sex, repelled by the thought of sex. I could be way off base - but this is how it seems. In any case, you deserve to loved completely. That's it. The end. Lyns observations is right are you leaving or just wanting a reaction. I am hoping it that your leaving so time to stop talking and time for action. If you are just looking for response you got it. He isn't going to change and if you don't follow through he is going to know if you bring it up again that your not serious so he will blow you off. |
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 13:15:12 GMT -5
Obobfla, what a lovely offer!
The celt and Lyn, I know I have to follow through now. I have been waiting for a reaction for years and have never had one. I just don't feel like I have the strength to lift myself out. I need to sleep on it and make a plan. I just need to believe I am good enough as I am to go it alone.
I know I will have support from friends. I'm just not sure I can face the hassle I will get from him. I don't feel strong enough. But I have had enough of his shit now.
Life is too short to be unhappy.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 12, 2017 13:17:47 GMT -5
"well, I'll go and find someone else then, who does want me",...sometimes the best defense is a good offense. If you aren't holding a great hand but you think the other guy's hand isn't that strong, then why not see if you can bluff him.
I'm not telling you that now you have to make a believer out of him by taking immediate action. In any confrontation or contest the person that shows up best prepared is usually the one that comes away with the win. So the usual get your ducks lined up, put together your exit plan and execute as much of it as possible before the separation or blowing up the works if it comes to it. You know the drill.
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 12, 2017 13:28:52 GMT -5
Hi Richfairy,
What you said took courage, bravo, and it will have shaken him; so you shouldn't be surprised by a bad reaction.
Say what you mean and mean what you say... Like all of us here you've thought this through (probably for years) and so deserve to be taken seriously.
Flowers are nice but 'fine words butter no parsnips' what you want is matters resolving, one way or another.
Avoid nastiness and avoid recrimination; do not allow yourself to be dragged into that situation (easier said than done, I know!), it allows the other person wriggle room and allows them to start painting you as the 'bad guy', when all you are trying to do is resolve an unhappy situation. Keep discussions business-like and professional - hard but the only way to go. Also, remember never expect an apology or an explanation, however much you deserve one, it won't happen.
If he can go an find someone else - well good for him. This is about resolving YOUR situation, not his.
It's about hope, can you live without it? Outside the relationship you might have only a small chance of finding happiness but ask yourself what is the chance of finding more happiness inside the marriage? If it is smaller than outside then you have your answer. It might be scary out there but can you spend another week or month or 16 years knowing you won't be happy.
Very best wishes
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 12, 2017 13:48:49 GMT -5
So, I tried to have the 'i would like us to discuss separation' conversation 2 days ago. He genuinely has no idea why I would think it. He doesn't think our marriage is sexless. Anyway, have been bought flowers, been told he loves me, but no reset sex this time. Anyway, I just tried to bring it up again, and he really did not think I was serious. He has used every excuse he can think of for lack of intimacy from him. Mainly to do with him not feeling well (yet I am the one with chronic fatigue....). I did say a bit sarcastically, so you've been feeling ill for 16 years then??? So, now he has been nasty, saying I am cold and heartless and ungrateful. Then he says 'well, I'll go and find someone else then,who does want me'. I know he will be horrible to me now, as it's me that h a s the issue not him. He is happy. He knows this hits a raw nerve, as the years of rejection make me dread him finding someone he actually clicks with, while I am left alone. I never once said i am off to find someone else, I have just suggested separation. Besides which it's him that doesn't want me!! Bloody confusing. And now I am feeling a little sorry for myself...... Full respect to your courage in having this conversation. Perhaps I am behind on your other posts: 1. I assume you have directly told him in no uncertain terms that your needs are not being met? That you want more intimacy and sex being a part of it? I will assume yes. 2. As a Guy, I have bought flowers before - it can be a "token" gesture, Lord knows I have made such token gestures. Flowers not accompanied by passion and intimacy are sort of wasted flowers. 3. You have probably heard of "F.O.G." (Fear Obligation Guilt) these are common tactics your H would use against you as sort of a Psych-Op" - he is making you afraid (he will find someone else), you not meeting your obligations (he is the one tired and not fulfilled, not you), you being the guilty one (too demanding, etc.). It is an obvious ruse from reading your post. You should not buy it for one second. Other than that I think Lyn's guidance is spot on. I too am AGONIZING over an SM - and whether to stay or go - we have happy children together but I have totally fallen out of love after about 10 years of RoomMate situation and I cannot take it anymore. Actually my W has the Company, the money, etc. If I leave it will be with my motorcycle and a few boxes - off to the Unknown but Free. It is a huge decision - I just know to look into both my Heart and Mind and be careful and weigh and be ruthlessy honest with myself and not be placated by fear but motivated by goals (find true passionate love for example). |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2017 13:57:25 GMT -5
Obobfla, what a lovely offer! The celt and Lyn, I know I have to follow through now. I have been waiting for a reaction for years and have never had one. I just don't feel like I have the strength to lift myself out. I need to sleep on it and make a plan. I just need to believe I am good enough as I am to go it alone. I know I will have support from friends. I'm just not sure I can face the hassle I will get from him. I don't feel strong enough. But I have had enough of his shit now. Life is too short to be unhappy. The other thing I thought off, you hating the idea he will find someone. Have you considered the opposite view that he does find someone quickly because then would be someone else's nightmare and he would likely stop making things difficult for you, and from the sounds of it he would if you left him? |
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Post by obobfla on Feb 12, 2017 14:49:59 GMT -5
richfairy72, I would jump up and down and do cartwheels if my wife said she wanted someone else. She would be his problem, not mine.
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Post by nancyb on Feb 12, 2017 15:30:15 GMT -5
MY refuser spouse did find somebody else right away and even though I was fed up with him and the marriage it cut to the bone. It did not kill me and even though I am alone I am not lonely. I have a great online friend who has been marvellously supportive and lots of family and friends around me. I have every confidence I will eventually meet and fall in love again. It takes 2 people to make a SM and I have owned my own part in it. It's time to move on now.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 16:26:35 GMT -5
Nancy, that is so hard. I have been warned by a friend who left an alcoholic, that he might find someone quickly. Her ex did, but he still had the same problems.
I take your point about playing our part too, but don't blame yourself, it is often about things out of your control. And surely it's better to be alone than lonely in a marriage. X x
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 16:29:10 GMT -5
Thanks guys, I have cheered myself up by watching my favourite film in bed. Haven't seen it for years, so it's good to have the chance, while he isn't talking to me!!!!
X
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 12, 2017 16:41:22 GMT -5
richfairy72 , I would jump up and down and do cartwheels if my wife said she wanted someone else. She would be his problem, not mine. LMAO . . . The thought crosses MY MIND a lot. Should I say "thought" or Dream. LOL |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 12, 2017 16:45:53 GMT -5
MY refuser spouse did find somebody else right away and even though I was fed up with him and the marriage it cut to the bone. It did not kill me and even though I am alone I am not lonely. I have a great online friend who has been marvellously supportive and lots of family and friends around me. I have every confidence I will eventually meet and fall in love again. It takes 2 people to make a SM and I have owned my own part in it. It's time to move on now. Respect and thank-you for this inspiring post. This Forum for me is becoming more and more about COURAGE / FAITH / ACTION And HONESTY - I too have owned my part in the SM of my current Marriage - I am not innocent and the pure victim. IT is time to move on and "every confidence I will eventually meet and fall in love again." AMEN indeed! Though I know that if nothing changes, nothing changes - you have demonstrated to me - yet still in the SM - the possibilities that courage and action bring. Thank-you! |
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