|
|
Post by bballgirl on Feb 10, 2017 13:56:03 GMT -5
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2017 15:57:08 GMT -5
Thanks for posting this article. I needed to understand the question about leaving. This article helped me to ask the right question.
Do you want different or better?
I've been thinking about better not realizing that better may not be a possibility. Different is the one sure thing that I can count on.
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Feb 10, 2017 17:50:48 GMT -5
A very worthwhile reflection.
My version of that goes like this: I don't plan to leave my wife FOR someone else. As that would imply that person was "better". The problem is... well, if "there might be someone better out there" is enough to leave my first wife, why wouldn't I leave my second wife for the same reasons? Surely there is someone "better". And what if my second wife left ME for the prospect of "better". It just doesn't seem like it will ever end.
So, for me, the critical question is not "is better out there" but "do you like your life enough to stick with the current plan for your remaining 20 to 30 years".
I don't LIKE the idea of divorce... but I can't stomach the prospect of 30 more years feeling like I'm feeling now.
Yes: I'll take "different"...
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Feb 10, 2017 22:41:05 GMT -5
bballgirl , the article makes an interesting case. I'm not sure I agree with the concept of "different" as justification. * Leaving for the prospect of something better... there will *always* be a "better" option, and that door swings both ways. * Leaving for "different", as the author suggests... I'm not sure that "new, exciting, different" is a sound reason to throw the marriage to the wind. "Sticking together" is kindof a core principle of committing to marriage. * "Leaving because it's bad" is the soundest reason in my mind. When the marriage is so negative that being alone would be preferable - then it's clearly time to go. When you're willing to leave without the prospect of anything better or different... that's when you need to pull the plug. So, along the same theme as Dan's post - if you can't stomach staying (e.g., emotional neglect, in many of our cases), then it's time to go.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Feb 10, 2017 23:13:31 GMT -5
DryCreek That was my case. I left for me. Better, as in finding someone better - wasn't the issue for me, because I will be shocked if I fall in love again at this stage of the game. Then there's different in terms of my freedom and life in general. I really like living alone. There were a lot of other problems in my marriage other than lack of sex so life is more peaceful now which makes it better.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Feb 10, 2017 23:20:53 GMT -5
Good article- being a good point about base decisions on the current state not on past history.
"the Good years" kept me staying well into the not-good ones & hoping happy days would return (until I woke up)
Today marks one year since the official day the judge signed my divorce decree.
Yay, singlehood!
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Feb 11, 2017 3:11:29 GMT -5
Good article.
Ideally, you leave an ILIASM shithole, because it is an ILIASM shithole.
What comes after that is certainly going to be "different" for sure.
Much of it will be determined by your choices along the way.
Good, fully informed choices tend to pay off in the form of enhanced outcomes.
And perhaps there, is where "better" pops its' head up into the equation as well.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 11, 2017 7:23:29 GMT -5
A very worthwhile reflection. My version of that goes like this: I don't plan to leave my wife FOR someone else. As that would imply that person was "better". The problem is... well, if "there might be someone better out there" is enough to leave my first wife, why wouldn't I leave my second wife for the same reasons? Surely there is someone "better". And what if my second wife left ME for the prospect of "better". It just doesn't seem like it will ever end. So, for me, the critical question is not "is better out there" but "do you like your life enough to stick with the current plan for your remaining 20 to 30 years". I don't LIKE the idea of divorce... but I can't stomach the prospect of 30 more years feeling like I'm feeling now. Yes: I'll take "different"... When I spoke to my best friend abiut this I told him" I just can't live this way anymore" So in my case, it wasn't about "better" or "different" but "survival" and not having to be repeatedly admitted to the hospital with mysterious and debilitating intestional pain. |
|
|
|
Post by misssunnybunny on Feb 11, 2017 10:32:44 GMT -5
I left because I needed something different, and hoped for something better. I didn't like the person I had become while I was married, now I feel more like me again. Being on my own--even though I am alone and knew it wouldn't be easy to find another relationship (still haven't)--I am much happier alone single than I was alone married. Plus I lost the constant unhappiness, bitterness, and that soul-crushing feeling that comes with a partner who didn't want to touch me. So I guess that things are both different and better for me  |
|
|
|
Post by nancyb on Feb 11, 2017 11:47:54 GMT -5
^^^ yes to this. I am leaving for myself and even just in that process I have found something better. ME. I have just been asked out on my first post ILIASM date...it's been 8 months. Feeling scared and vulnerable but in a good way. I hope to leave this LIASM shit hole far behind me and only look back with the thought thank god I'm out. |
|
|
|
Post by misssunnybunny on Feb 11, 2017 11:53:01 GMT -5
^^^ yes to this. I am leaving for myself and even just in that process I have found something better. ME. I have just been asked out on my first post ILIASM date...it's been 8 months. Feeling scared and vulnerable but in a good way. I hope to leave this LIASM shit hole far behind me and only look back with the thought thank god I'm out. Good luck on your date!! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2017 21:43:38 GMT -5
Oooh, good topic for me. As you know, I've been brooding because I feel that (in terms of my love life) leaving was a draw, for me.
I'm no longer in the SM. However, I still don't have what I really want - a good love and sex relationship.
Since I didn't have that with Mr. Kat, I feel that I have neither gained nor lost - strictly in terms of my love life.
However, I do not want to go back with Mr. Kat. For the last 3 years we were together, we were not only sexless - but he had withdrawn from me emotionally. Living alone can be lonely - but feeling alone and abandoned while you live in the same home with somebody, and you are considered a couple - THAT is excruciating.
The only way I would go back with Mr. Kat would be if we could magically erase the last few years and be what we were before things went south.
I am enough of a realist to understand that this is highly unlikely.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 12, 2017 21:47:19 GMT -5
Oooh, good topic for me. As you know, I've been brooding because I feel that (in terms of my love life) leaving was a draw, for me. I'm no longer in the SM. However, I still don't have what I really want - a good love and sex relationship. Since I didn't have that with Mr. Kat, I feel that I have neither gained nor lost - strictly in terms of my love life. However, I do not want to go back with Mr. Kat. For the last 3 years we were together, we were not only sexless - but he had withdrawn from me emotionally. Living alone can be lonely - but feeling alone and abandoned while you live in the same home with somebody, and you are considered a couple - THAT is excruciating. The only way I would go back with Mr. Kat would be if we could magically erase the last few years and be what we were before things went south. I am enough of a realist to understand that this is highly unlikely. Being married and "alone"? It's not bad. It's a debilitating nightmare. |
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Feb 12, 2017 23:20:50 GMT -5
"My husband was a good person. A good provider. A good father. We had a comfortable life, and I cared deeply about him. Yes, I even loved him. But I craved a deeper intimate connection that, after 19 years, had evaporated."
I like how she didn't say anything bad or put any blame on her ex-husband. There is one thing though she wrote that bothers me about her husband: "He often reminded me that I held all the power. The future of our marriage rested completely in my hands. It was a heavy responsibility to carry and I never took it lightly." It appears like he didn't work as hard or cared as much as she did to save their marriage.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Feb 13, 2017 0:05:26 GMT -5
" My husband was a good person. A good provider. A good father. We had a comfortable life, and I cared deeply about him. Yes, I even loved him. But I craved a deeper intimate connection that, after 19 years, had evaporated." I like how she didn't say anything bad or put any blame on her ex-husband. There is one thing though she wrote that bothers me about her husband: " He often reminded me that I held all the power. The future of our marriage rested completely in my hands. It was a heavy responsibility to carry and I never took it lightly." It appears like he didn't work as hard or cared as much as she did to save their marriage. You caught that too? I took it differently. Number one, I would have liked a lot more clarity about it. You can take that in too many different directions. Another way of looking at it was that he did attempt to keep the marriage going, but had been dealing with a controller, who refused to admit that any of it could be her fault. "I never took it lightly?" What does that mean? More manipulative, nothing, flowery words. Does that mean it always upset her greatly? What did she do about it? Was she one of those who would say, "I'll try harder" then do nothing? We have also read about people who are graysexual, they want "intimate connection" when it suits them, and no sex. Was she an "acts of service" person, and her husband was caught on the endless double bind, where it's never deep enough, and she claims it's evaporated? That's a lot of manipulative words that can cut both ways. How about actions? Like we discuss on here. Facts like," I ask and beg, and get rejected, going on three years now of no sex." "I held all the power". I recall reading in another article about sex that the dominate one does not have the power. That actually the submissive one does. Without the consent of the submissive one, the understanding, and mutual agreement before hand from the submissive one to the dominate one, the sexual act will not happen. The same can be said for a relationship, or a marriage. When I first read that one, I was like, "really?" then it seems to make sense the more i think about it. Look at Lucy and the football. Charlie Brown is the dominant one, Lucy has to submit by simply holding the ball. Does she submit? No. who ends up being in control in the end? Lucy. (my favorite is when Charlie signs a contract. Lucy tells him as he's laying on his back, "funny thing about this document it was never notarized!") |
|
