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Post by lyn on Feb 9, 2017 20:46:25 GMT -5
I've noticed since I stopped trying to "impress" my H, I guess about 3 months ago, he seems to be increasingly more interested in me. In pretty much everything / anything I'm doing. Kind of a strange and surprising twist.
I didn't deliberately decide one day, "this is it...... I don't give a f*ck what he thinks", it just happened right after the last miserable reset. The same day, I stopped wearing my wedding ring. This realization didn't even come to me until recently when I realized what subconsciously I was doing, or not doing.
Maybe he's some sort of masochist. I mean, I've always gone above and beyond with him, yet, it seams, the less energy I put into him, the more he puts into me.
For those trying everything to get that "spark" back, maybe this is a tactic to try. I for one don't believe any tactics work long term in the vast majority of these situations, but that's just me.
Over the years I DID try anything and everything to get him interested - from the way I dressed, color of my hair, height of my heels, yes lingerie - no lingerie, make a lot of money, make no money, be nicer, quieter, funnier, blah blah blah. My god it was exhausting (not to mention pathetic).
None of it mattered.
It seems, my fairly new, natural disinterest is what he has wanted all along.
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Post by baza on Feb 9, 2017 21:11:36 GMT -5
A basic life truth, I believe, is that you behave and act authentically - no bullshit.
And, when you do that, persons may (or may not) be attracted to that.
But the 'aim' is not to attract people, the aim is to be yourself. The authentic you.
Almost inevitably, if you behave and act authentically, lots of people will find that appealing.
Of course it is one thing for someone to find you appealing. It is quite another whether you find them appealing.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2017 21:39:09 GMT -5
When you use the word tactic when you are trying to make someone do something you've already lost. The next word is manipulation.... then you become the bad guy.
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Post by lyn on Feb 9, 2017 21:57:04 GMT -5
The interesting part to me, is that, I'm not actually doing any less, or any more than what Iwas doing for many years (really aside from the ring). I take that back a bit, I'm far more natural and organic in the way I live my life in many ways. But this has been going on for years, not just the past 3 months. What has exited recently for sure, however, is any desperation I may have felt about the situation.
Desperation, is just NOT sexy. Pretty simple really.
Being abandoned and rejected in a marriage for a very long time (sex & intimacy-wise) will create desperation in even the most well-adjusted person. It's such an absolute mind-fuck, as we know.
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The more you post, the more you know.
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Post by lyn on Feb 9, 2017 22:05:55 GMT -5
When you use the word tactic when you are trying to make someone do something you've already lost. The next word is manipulation.... then you become the bad guy. This is interesting. I never looked at it this way. I was too busy trying to be everything.......... |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 9, 2017 22:08:59 GMT -5
I agree, wholeheartedly, @thecelt, and baza. The interesting part to me, is that, I'm not actually doing any less, or any more than what Iwas doing for many years (really aside from the ring). I take that back a bit, I'm far more natural and organic in the way I live my life in many ways. But this has been going on for years, not just the past 3 months. What has exited recently for sure, however, is any desperation I may have felt about the situation. Desperation, is just NOT sexy. Pretty simple really. Being abandoned and rejected in a marriage for a very long time (sex & intimacy-wise) will create desperation in even the most well-adjusted person. It's such an absolute mind-fuck, as we know. ----------- The more you post, the more you know. I agree. It is like boiling a frog. At first the frog doesn't notice a thing. But as time goes on, it gets harder and harder on the frog. The frog tries to kick and jump but in the end there is just a beaten and dead frog. The perverse thing Lyn, is that is right when your spouse finds you most desirable. It's borderline psychotic. |
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Post by lyn on Feb 9, 2017 22:43:54 GMT -5
I agree, wholeheartedly, @thecelt, and baza. The interesting part to me, is that, I'm not actually doing any less, or any more than what Iwas doing for many years (really aside from the ring). I take that back a bit, I'm far more natural and organic in the way I live my life in many ways. But this has been going on for years, not just the past 3 months. What has exited recently for sure, however, is any desperation I may have felt about the situation. Desperation, is just NOT sexy. Pretty simple really. Being abandoned and rejected in a marriage for a very long time (sex & intimacy-wise) will create desperation in even the most well-adjusted person. It's such an absolute mind-fuck, as we know. ----------- The more you post, the more you know. I agree. It is like boiling a frog. At first the frog doesn't notice a thing. But as time goes on, it gets harder and harder on the frog. The frog tries to kick and jump but in the end there is just a beaten and dead frog. The perverse thing Lyn, is that is right when your spouse finds you most desirable. It's borderline psychotic. Hmmmmm - I like this and I think you're right on the money shamwow. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 10, 2017 2:40:10 GMT -5
Is it a good thing that your H is now interested?
Is there still hope for the both of you?
All very good and extremely helpful posts on this thread: There is a range here I see:
Active aggression/pushing away <--> Apathy/Indifference <---> contributing with natural joy to the relationship <-->tricks/gimicks <----> manipulation <-->Begging.
Right now I am between pushing away and apathy. It looks like you might be getting closer to the Happy Medium.
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 10, 2017 3:03:13 GMT -5
I have found this to be something that happens too. I think quite simply, the more effort you put in the more complacent your spouse CAN become. Everyone has a right to feel secure and comfortable in a relationship but there is a distinct danger in allowing complacency to set in. I don't advocate the 'treat them mean and keep em keen' style of behaviour but when people realise that their power and their likability isn't as easily come by as what it was once before, they change and make an effort.
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Post by lyn on Feb 10, 2017 12:08:39 GMT -5
Is it a good thing that your H is now interested? Is there still hope for the both of you? All very good and extremely helpful posts on this thread: There is a range here I see: Active aggression/pushing away <--> Apathy/Indifference <---> contributing with natural joy to the relationship <-->tricks/gimicks <----> manipulation <-->Begging. Right now I am between pushing away and apathy. It looks like you might be getting closer to the Happy Medium. Hmmmmm I think he's just afraid. Afraid I'll actually leave. Last summer, I told him that I loved him, but couldn't stay in our relationship if it remained celibate. I didn't give a timeline or deadline, just said at some point, I won't be able to stick it out. Ive considered leaving for 8-9 years probably. Pretty much sexless for 11 (one year into the marriage). Things are not going to change. Doesn't matter what I do or don't do. He's unwilling to actually work on things - this sadly is what a normal relationship looks like to him (from looking st his parents). If I keep doing this, I feel like I'll shrivel up and die, so..... there's that. You mentioned Apathy - pushing away - this is a painful place to be for you, and for your W if she does in fact want to save your marriage. The next step idown the mountain is probably ambivalence - if nothing really changes for real. At this point, it's just a slow death. |
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Post by lyn on Feb 10, 2017 12:14:19 GMT -5
I have found this to be something that happens too. I think quite simply, the more effort you put in the more complacent your spouse CAN become. Everyone has a right to feel secure and comfortable in a relationship but there is a distinct danger in allowing complacency to set in. I don't advocate the 'treat them mean and keep em keen' style of behaviour but when people realise that their power and their likability isn't as easily come by as what it was once before, they change and make an effort. Could very be this slight shift in the dynamic (me), is causing a slight behavior change in him. I'm not happy about it. I don't want to "shift" my desperation to him - now that I don't need/want it. Seems to be the case a bit though. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 10, 2017 18:27:23 GMT -5
lyn, on the surface it would seem that your H is sensing your distance and trying to close the gap. Maybe because he realizes that you're entering dangerous waters, or maybe just because he sees a gap that you're no longer filling. (Kinda like, if you always make dinner, nobody else will; but if you stop, they'll figure out they probably ought to.) In either case, I'd give him credit for being more aware of the situation and taking action, unlike most refusers.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 10, 2017 20:11:50 GMT -5
lyn , on the surface it would seem that your H is sensing your distance and trying to close the gap. Maybe because he realizes that you're entering dangerous waters, or maybe just because he sees a gap that you're no longer filling. (Kinda like, if you always make dinner, nobody else will; but if you stop, they'll figure out they probably ought to.) In either case, I'd give him credit for being more aware of the situation and taking action, unlike most refusers. Unless I'm missing my mark, the action doesn't sound like much "action" |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 11, 2017 14:43:23 GMT -5
Unless I'm missing my mark, the action doesn't sound like much "action" Ya, I'd agree that it hardly sounds significant. But in contrast to the oblivion that seems to envelop most refusers, he's far more aware. That said, if he's aware of the situation and and its severity, and this is the best he can pull off... That says something too. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 11, 2017 14:53:08 GMT -5
Is it a good thing that your H is now interested? Is there still hope for the both of you? All very good and extremely helpful posts on this thread: There is a range here I see: Active aggression/pushing away <--> Apathy/Indifference <---> contributing with natural joy to the relationship <-->tricks/gimicks <----> manipulation <-->Begging. Right now I am between pushing away and apathy. It looks like you might be getting closer to the Happy Medium. Hmmmmm I think he's just afraid. Afraid I'll actually leave. Last summer, I told him that I loved him, but couldn't stay in our relationship if it remained celibate. I didn't give a timeline or deadline, just said at some point, I won't be able to stick it out. Ive considered leaving for 8-9 years probably. Pretty much sexless for 11 (one year into the marriage). Things are not going to change. Doesn't matter what I do or don't do. He's unwilling to actually work on things - this sadly is what a normal relationship looks like to him (from looking st his parents). If I keep doing this, I feel like I'll shrivel up and die, so..... there's that. You mentioned Apathy - pushing away - this is a painful place to be for you, and for your W if she does in fact want to save your marriage. The next step idown the mountain is probably ambivalence - if nothing really changes for real. At this point, it's just a slow death. Shrivel up and die? 8 years? Oh my, Your H does not "Get it"? How can someone be so clueless. Man I am sorry and again admire your courage. Yes, it will be a painful place - it will be a frontal assault and everyone will be hurt - I have been thru Divorce before and I wanted out of my Marriage so bad (she forced me into it due to pregnancy - I accepted - Yes ultimately it is ME - I know) and it was so so so freaking painful - but it only hurt really bad for a few months at most - life got on I got in a routine and a bold new beginning and I regret absolutely nothing from my First Divorce. This one is different because I swore I would never get divorced again . . . For the Children. That probably is my fundamental fault - I said I would never get divorced again for the children and never even thought because of the Couple. My W even said when we almost split a year ago that I would lose the family - (She never mentioned couple or Her but family . . . meaning children). Well it is not over - the reset sex is a week old but looks petering out pretty quick . . . and even if not so what. Funny how I threatened divorce and we had the most passionate sex in probably 8 years or more within a few hours. Go figure . . . the snuggling and cuddling has already been reduced to me reaching a hand across the bed and getting petted a little more than the cat - also in the bed. |
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