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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 25, 2017 13:01:57 GMT -5
It is just heart wrenching to read this. 13 years - oh me my. I cannot even imagine. Has your couple brought any happiness at all? STBX - does this divorce is in process? I pray courage to you and strength - really. Last time we had sex (better said an attempt to have sex) was in 2001. I initiated several times after that but I stopped trying a few years later. Than all touch disappeared. And the last few years I was even considered to be too dirty to touch. Constantly I have got his message that I was not good enough. I was not doing my tasks well enough, I was insufficient for just about everything. I have tried to rebel which resulted in lots of verbal fights that made me feel angry and hopeless but never led to anything good. I have tried to convince myself that things are as you see it. I should simply look better at the good parts and be content. That didn't work either. There have been good moments in this marriage but not a lot. I have stayed so long because I thought I had to. This whole horrible marriage felt like running a marathon (several of them actually) with a block of concrete tied to my ankles. I have left my stbx in August last year, divorce is in progress but stbx is trying to make things as difficult as possible. (of course he says that I am the one causing all his problems). I can't wait till all is settled. Congratulations on Your Courage! Inspiring to read and shows me change is possible even through tough resistance. I am learning the meaning of the phrase "Fight for Freedom" - but it is a fight that can be won. Amen. |
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Post by tamara68 on Feb 25, 2017 13:36:28 GMT -5
Last time we had sex (better said an attempt to have sex) was in 2001. I initiated several times after that but I stopped trying a few years later. Than all touch disappeared. And the last few years I was even considered to be too dirty to touch. Constantly I have got his message that I was not good enough. I was not doing my tasks well enough, I was insufficient for just about everything. I have tried to rebel which resulted in lots of verbal fights that made me feel angry and hopeless but never led to anything good. I have tried to convince myself that things are as you see it. I should simply look better at the good parts and be content. That didn't work either. There have been good moments in this marriage but not a lot. I have stayed so long because I thought I had to. This whole horrible marriage felt like running a marathon (several of them actually) with a block of concrete tied to my ankles. I have left my stbx in August last year, divorce is in progress but stbx is trying to make things as difficult as possible. (of course he says that I am the one causing all his problems). I can't wait till all is settled. Congratulations on Your Courage! Inspiring to read and shows me change is possible even through tough resistance. I am learning the meaning of the phrase "Fight for Freedom" - but it is a fight that can be won. Amen. thank you. Change is possible, that is what I had to tell myself before I could actually get out. My way to the exit started with changing my way of thinking. I realized that nothing was going to get better unless I did something. I had to be the one to take responsibility for taking action. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 20, 2017 13:09:31 GMT -5
Another DARVO today.
I overhear My STBX ask my daughter to do some extra cleaning this morning. My daughter tells her, "Dad and I have two appointments to go to this morning, I am leaving early". My STBX says to her, "I didn't know anything about this?" (wrong , she was informed 2 weeks ago). My STBX approaches me in the kitchen a minute before us leaving. She has an angry look and stance about her. I know what's coming.
Are you taking her to a doctor this morning? when are you going to tell me about this? I knew nothing about this? I look at her and say, " I told you two weeks ago that I made another appointment, with another doctor. I told you she would still be using her crutches. I told you the first x-ray showed nothing." She scuffed that off with, "I don't remember it". You got to love the fact that she doesn't remember it so it never happened? YEA.... DENIAL.
Then comes the ARGUE. "you never told me anything about her last visit, when are you going to tell me about this one?" I then correct her. "You use the words never and always, that is not true. You are speaking through your emotions and feelings. Not fact. I did tell you, that there was "nothing to tell you". That her x-rays showed nothing, and we are going to see another doctor, and I told you the date. So...yea.. I first told you nothing. Because their was nothing to tell you! I later decided that, no news is news, so I told you about it!"
Then came the REVERSAL, making her the VICTIM and me the OFFENDER. "You are always avoiding me, you are never in the room when I am there. You refuse to communicate with me." I told her," You are saying always, never and all the time, that is not true. I am home and right in the other room plenty, you can speak to me, and I spoke to you in person about her last doctor visit."
Then comes more avoidance. "you should text me or email me this afternoon when you get back." I tell her, " I am not going to do that. I will speak to you when I see you today."
The controller is not liking this at all. I believe I am much further ahead of her at accepting all of this. Next to impossible for a controller as they loose more and more power. I am leveling the playing field for the future.
I told my therapist about it this morning. He said jokingly, "maybe you should wright down what the doctor said and send it to her certified mail. That way it's all legal that you communicated with her!"
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