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DARVO
Feb 7, 2017 15:29:56 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 7, 2017 15:29:56 GMT -5
Ha ha. I'll show you a move or 2 SD  Its DAVROS from doctor who btw  ! Hee hee. I'd love to see those moves EO. 
Thanks for the info on DAVROS. It's been at least 50 years since I watched Doctor Who, lol!
This queen likes her pawn action |
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Post by solodriver on Feb 7, 2017 15:56:38 GMT -5
Hee hee. I'd love to see those moves EO.
Thanks for the info on DAVROS. It's been at least 50 years since I watched Doctor Who, lol!
This queen likes her pawn action So noted my dear friend
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Post by cagedtiger on Feb 10, 2017 20:50:52 GMT -5
Hee hee. I'd love to see those moves EO.
Thanks for the info on DAVROS. It's been at least 50 years since I watched Doctor Who, lol!
This queen likes her pawn action ...but a queen's just a pawn with a bunch of fancy moves... |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 11, 2017 0:23:22 GMT -5
It is just heart wrenching to read this. 13 years - oh me my. I cannot even imagine. Has your couple brought any happiness at all? STBX - does this divorce is in process? I pray courage to you and strength - really. Last time we had sex (better said an attempt to have sex) was in 2001. I initiated several times after that but I stopped trying a few years later. Than all touch disappeared. And the last few years I was even considered to be too dirty to touch. Constantly I have got his message that I was not good enough. I was not doing my tasks well enough, I was insufficient for just about everything. I have tried to rebel which resulted in lots of verbal fights that made me feel angry and hopeless but never led to anything good. I have tried to convince myself that things are as you see it. I should simply look better at the good parts and be content. That didn't work either. There have been good moments in this marriage but not a lot. I have stayed so long because I thought I had to. This whole horrible marriage felt like running a marathon (several of them actually) with a block of concrete tied to my ankles. I have left my stbx in August last year, divorce is in progress but stbx is trying to make things as difficult as possible. (of course he says that I am the one causing all his problems). I can't wait till all is settled. From the outside looking in . . . how can an H with zero intimacy and love in a relationship be the least bit surprised here. Congratulations on all the courage and honesty you have shown in your actions. Yes, a bad marriage is some sort of nightmare marathon from Hell that has no finish line other than death . . . UNLESS we have the courage of the bloody and painful frontal assault of getting out of it. I have no illusions, Divorce is a painful and agonizing process - like pulling teeth but at a psychic level - and leaves a wound and scar for life. But such is the price of LIBERTY and FREEDOM. Freedom is never free . . . no truer than in the case of getting out of a nightmare marriage of perpetual trapped and misery. Worth every drop of blood and tear IMHO. Again thank-you for the inspiring post! |
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Post by tamara68 on Feb 11, 2017 10:58:38 GMT -5
Last time we had sex (better said an attempt to have sex) was in 2001. I initiated several times after that but I stopped trying a few years later. Than all touch disappeared. And the last few years I was even considered to be too dirty to touch. Constantly I have got his message that I was not good enough. I was not doing my tasks well enough, I was insufficient for just about everything. I have tried to rebel which resulted in lots of verbal fights that made me feel angry and hopeless but never led to anything good. I have tried to convince myself that things are as you see it. I should simply look better at the good parts and be content. That didn't work either. There have been good moments in this marriage but not a lot. I have stayed so long because I thought I had to. This whole horrible marriage felt like running a marathon (several of them actually) with a block of concrete tied to my ankles. I have left my stbx in August last year, divorce is in progress but stbx is trying to make things as difficult as possible. (of course he says that I am the one causing all his problems). I can't wait till all is settled. From the outside looking in . . . how can an H with zero intimacy and love in a relationship be the least bit surprised here. Congratulations on all the courage and honesty you have shown in your actions. Yes, a bad marriage is some sort of nightmare marathon from Hell that has no finish line other than death . . . UNLESS we have the courage of the bloody and painful frontal assault of getting out of it. I have no illusions, Divorce is a painful and agonizing process - like pulling teeth but at a psychic level - and leaves a wound and scar for life. But such is the price of LIBERTY and FREEDOM. Freedom is never free . . . no truer than in the case of getting out of a nightmare marriage of perpetual trapped and misery. Worth every drop of blood and tear IMHO. Again thank-you for the inspiring post! Thanks. I thought that the agony of divorce was going to be more bearable than the agony of my marriage. And divorce is temporary. If I had stayed, the marriage agony would have lasted till death. |
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DARVO
Feb 11, 2017 11:33:16 GMT -5
Post by petrushka on Feb 11, 2017 11:33:16 GMT -5
Yeah...the process of selecting the right trainers is taking a while though 'ow about this den? |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 11, 2017 13:28:14 GMT -5
This queen likes her pawn action ...but a queen's just a pawn with a bunch of fancy moves... He he he. My moves go beyond fancy |
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DARVO
Feb 11, 2017 13:31:15 GMT -5
Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 11, 2017 13:31:15 GMT -5
Yeah...the process of selecting the right trainers is taking a while though 'ow about this den? Aah it won't bloody play for me petrushka. But, as an ex DM owning Alexi Sayle lover.. thanks ive been known previously to go to bed in steel toe cap boots when he was in his drinking days and was out late without me.. and had to defend myself with using them more than once! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 24, 2017 19:46:39 GMT -5
The DARVO never ends!
The W. decides to fix her own dinner in the kitchen as I am going out the door to pick up dinner that I bought for 5 of us.( I was 15 min. later than normal. There is no set time. If I know it's going to get late into the evening, I get others to help me. It's always because I am having to go pick someone up, serving others, never for selfish reasons.) No big deal right? Wrong! Buying for 4 instead of 5 makes a difference. I have to buy double and the left overs get eaten the next day, (pizza never goes bad with teenagers in the house). Does she inform me early that she is going to fix her own dinner? No. Did we have a big argument/discussion about who's responsible for cooking and cleaning certain times of the week? Yes! Does she abide by it? NO. Does she do what she wants when it pleases her? OH -YEA!
The next day it's time to get dinner again. Am I responsible for cooking for her? Now that she shows she will do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, with zero communication? Why waste the money on someone who's not going to be there, or cook something else? So that's what I did.
She didn't like it! She asked, "wheres mine? Did you get me anything?" all asked with 3 kids eating at the table. I informed her, "I didn't get you anything." She asks,"Why?" I tell her, "so I don't waste money." She again says, "what do you mean?" I remind her of her actions the night before, the waste of money, while she's cooking some food that her sister mailed to her. Then comes the DARVO!
Denial: "I didn't waste anything"
Me: Sure you did, I bought extra for you, you were here to eat weren't you?" (keeping the conversation on track)
Argue: "I didn't know if you where going to get dinner ready?" (and Avoid, she didn't answer the question, instead she asks another question)
Me: "what? It's my night to make dinner, that's what I do, that's what I did".
Reverse: "You never communicated that with me".
Me: "what are you talking about? Communicate what? There was nothing to communicate, that's ridiculous! You were here, I brought dinner for everyone."
Victim: Are you going to continue this, and not make me dinner?"
Me: (keeping on track) "yes, except for one condition".
Her: "what's that?"
Me: On the days that we agreed to, I will make you dinner, if you are going somewhere, going to be late, or leaving, I expect you to let me know by noon time, just like the children do. That's when I start planning for dinner."
Offender: I just offended her by standing up to her in front of the teens, at the kitchen table. I told her that even the kids know how to behave better, I expect it, and it comes with consequences! She doesn't like that!
What does she pull on me today? Middle of the afternoon, (I've already got dinner cooking) "I'm leaving to go spend the weekend with my sister".
Me: When are you leaving?
Her: In about ten minutes.
My thoughts: Could I have laid into her about her responsibilities to fix dinner on the weekends? Yes. Could I remind her that she is taking her car, and the boys need it to get to work? Yes. Could I have reminded her that our daughter needs to be picked up from practice, while I am getting dinner on the table? Yes. Could I remind her that she controls all the money, and that I told her over a year ago that this time is coming, that we need another car? Yes. Could I have told her about the money she will be spending, and whose feeding and taking care of her daddy while she's gone? Yes. Is it worth it? No! Would I rather see her gone all weekend? Yes. Is she going to get more bad advice about her divorce from her sister? Yes! Am I glad that we are getting divorced and it will all be over with? HELL YES!
Imagine if I gave her a dose of her own? Middle of the week I tell her," I'm going to go stay with a friend. I'll be back late Saturday. Bye." I can imagine the complaints, and the earful about it. Never mind her wanting plenty of details. Oh the hypocrisy, and double standards of a controller. Even the simple things get drawn out and over complicated once the DARVO starts. And it seams to happen quickly and frequently with any communication from her. No wonder I used to, (and still do) shut down.
Thanks for the DARVO vent!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 24, 2017 21:03:16 GMT -5
Oh greatcoastal. I'm sorry you are living with this. I understand why it's easier to just shut up and get on with it. I hope venting helped a little xxx |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 24, 2017 21:12:54 GMT -5
Oh greatcoastal . I'm sorry you are living with this. I understand why it's easier to just shut up and get on with it. I hope venting helped a little xxx THANKS! It always does! It's like keeping a diary, I also read it to my therapist. It's always helpful for me to get a "you too?", answer. So I hope someone out there can be thinking the same thing from my experience. Bringing it all up, hashing it all out, repeating things, having to quote things, exactly,and tactfully, gets draining. Only to have to be fully aware of even more manipulation, spin, and control tactics. If I ever regret being single again, I am going to go back to my posts!! |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 24, 2017 21:24:23 GMT -5
Oh greatcoastal . I'm sorry you are living with this. I understand why it's easier to just shut up and get on with it. I hope venting helped a little xxx THANKS! It always does! It's like keeping a diary, I also read it to my therapist. It's always helpful for me to get a "you too?", answer. So I hope someone out there can be thinking the same thing from my experience. Bringing it all up, hashing it all out, repeating things, having to quote things, exactly,and tactfully, gets draining. Only to have to be fully aware of even more manipulation, spin, and control tactics. If I ever regret being single again, I am going to go back to my posts!! Good plan! Me too. Xx |
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Post by csl on Feb 24, 2017 23:16:55 GMT -5
You set a boundary: let you know by noon what her plans were. She agreed, then waited until 3:00 to give you a 10-minute warning.
Result: she crossed the boundary, she gets to make her own dinner from now on.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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DARVO
Feb 25, 2017 0:05:09 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2017 0:05:09 GMT -5
I had to google DARVO..... SMH
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Post by baza on Feb 25, 2017 2:12:29 GMT -5
This DARVO thing is insidious. The whole ILIASM spectrum is insidious. It infiltrates everywhere. See Brother greatcoastal, even now, with you firmly on the exit route, your missus is still occupying a great deal of your thinking. Her motives, her methods. Mind you, you've done well to maintain your focus on the various tasks your exit involves. But your missus' role in the scheme of things (apart from being an impediment to the divorce process and general pain in the arse) is pretty much over as far as her role in your day to day future goes. She is really a sidebar to the main event. An obstructive sidebar for sure, but a sidebar none the less. |
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