DARVO

You just can't win with some people can you. They make their own truth up. 

Im just not that skilled at pointing this out to him eloquently. 

Ive always said how clever my refuser is. But he never uses his intelligence to improve his/our family life. Only to manipulate me. And I've let him all these years. 

I now realise this.  

Thanks T... its not just me then

I'm so aware of this ticking clock
in my ear. This must be how women feel when they finally decide they need a baby but their eggs are running out! 

It is just heart wrenching to read this.  13 years - oh me my.    I cannot even imagine.  Has your couple brought any happiness at all?  STBX - does this divorce is in process?   I pray courage to you and strength - really.  

Last time we had sex (better said an attempt to have sex) was in 2001. I initiated several times after that but I stopped trying a few years later. Than all touch disappeared. And the last few years I was even considered to be too dirty to touch. 
Constantly I have got his message that I was not good enough. I was not doing my tasks well enough, I was insufficient for just about everything. I have tried to rebel which resulted in lots of verbal fights that made me feel angry and hopeless but never led to anything good. I have tried to convince myself that things are as you see it. I should simply look better at the good parts and be content. That didn't work either.
There have been good moments in this marriage but not a lot. I have stayed so long because I thought I had to. This whole horrible marriage felt like running a marathon (several of them actually) with a block of concrete tied to my ankles.
I have left my stbx in August last year, divorce is in progress but stbx is trying to make things as difficult as possible. (of course he says that I am the one causing all his problems). I can't wait till all is settled.

This is so familiar. When I told my STBX that I did not want her to say a particular insulting thing, she did it twice more & I left. She later told me that I had violated her boundary by leaving.

"Leaving a wet towel on the bed" Another DARVO? How can that be? Well....Does DARVO carry over into all other parts of your relationship? Not just the intimacy and sex.

My STBX and I have two towels in the bathroom, two different colors. I have intentionally gotten rid of the supply of towels. My STBX leaves her wet towel on the bed and leaves the house. I have repeatedly asked her not to do this in the past. It makes the bed spread, the sheets, the towel, the room, all smelly, damp, and musty.

We have separate rooms now, it doesn't affect her , it's not her problem, it's my bed, with her wet towel! So....I find her wet towel and lay it in a ball in her room , on her bed, every time. What does she do? Does she start hanging up her towel back in the bathroom? NO! She starts using my towel! Even if I just used it and it's damp, she will just wet it down more and leave it on the bed.

Since I still do the laundry I no longer supply her with a clean towel, and every morning I have to "hide" my towel in the closet to dry.

So here's the DARVO.
Deny: There's no problem, it doesn't affect me.
Argue: (avoid) shrug her shoulders, go hang it up, no apologies, no saying she's wrong, and then lay it back on the bed the next day!
Reverse: "you can put it away, I don't have time, I need to go to work"
Victim: : "you have plenty of time, I do everything around here, why can't you just do it"
Offender: You won't even do something that simple for your wife, you don't love me.

Then comes the hypocrisy, and the example it sets for the family. The same kids who were raised/told to hang up wet towels, don't leave them on the bed, or the floor, or you will be punished. You have plenty of time, get up earlier, or don't take as long in the shower, you can wash all the towels in the house then if I find it again.

So when your spouse acts worse than the kids do, do you discipline them? No, it's a whole different playing field, they are an adult, a very narcissistic, manipulative one, and will commit DARVO on you every time.