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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 25, 2016 8:10:05 GMT -5
So, I wonder if I'm alone on this or not. I'm actively resisting my wife's attempts. It took a lot for me to get her to try. Oddly, what it took for me to get her to finally change her tune was to begin emotionally divorcing her. It started about a year ago. I had decided I was done. I was just waiting for certain things to settle in our life first. The most important of which was my 5 year old daughter starting kindergarten. I wanted to wait until she transitioned to her new school before making my move. Well, during the wait, I was already grieving. I was cycling between extreme anger and extreme depression. I was also putting together my exit plan. Well, wouldn't you know it, once my wife sensed that I was done, she started trying. Sadly, her attempts kind of worked. I figured it was a reset but I decided to stick around and see where it led. Well, that was almost a year ago and things aren't perfect but they may be manageable.
Thing is, I keep resisting. I can't bring myself to truly open my heart to her. I still want to leave most days. On the days I feel as though I actually want to stay, I feel disappointed. In a way, I was excited to leave. I was looking forward to it. Now, it's like I sometimes legitimately want to stay. Yet, I still can't open my heart back up to her. We have been sexually active and lately it's been pretty good. In some odd way, it pisses me off that things are back on track. How messed up is that?
I think I just don't trust her. Sadly, I feel like going through this sexless marriage and the way I was given such a bait and switch has caused my trust for women to be forever fucked. I don't know if she has a legitimate desire for me or if it's just a big act. It seems legit at times. Other times it seems forced. sometimes I wonder if this suspicious attitude of mine will follow me to my grave. Will I ever trust again?
Anyway, I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I change my mind on a daily cycle. It goes from one extreme to the other. One day I'm dreaming of my new life in my nice little apartment and dreaming of having a relationship where I don't question my partner's desire. Then I have a day where I realize what I will lose by leaving and I start to tell myself that staying is better for everyone involved (including me).
I hate this state of ambivalence. It just won't leave me alone. It's like I'm struggling with the "stay or go" decision every fricking day. I'm growing tired of it.
The bottom line though is whether or not I'll be able to truly be back in this marriage. I just can't bring myself to feel positive and loving feelings toward her. In some strange way, I don't want to. I just feel like I've been hurt so badly by her and I see her as a threat now. I'm very heavily guarded. I just don't trust that she won't hurt me again.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 25, 2016 8:26:32 GMT -5
I know the state of ambivalence far to well.
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Post by unmatched on Apr 25, 2016 8:28:09 GMT -5
I totally get where you are coming from here. It is so hard to open your heart again and trust that she will look after it better this time.
Do you think part of it may be that you need some acknowledgement of how much she hurt you? I am definitely not saying you should go ask for it but you went through a huge amount of pain and heart ache and now you are expected to move on like nothing happened. It is not easy.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2016 8:39:10 GMT -5
This is what refusers don't understand - you can actually kill a person's love for you if you reject them long enough. I don't know if you're at that point, but it happened to me. I got to a place where I realized there was no trust left between us and without that, I could never really love him again - not in a romantic way.
And I think Unmatched has a very good point - you can't just shrug off years of pain and act like it had no effect on you. Do you think she is willing to really talk to you, hear you, acknowledge your pain? Would it help you if she did?
Only you know if you're really done with this marriage. If I was you, I would be journaling like crazy (and posting here!) trying to get some clarity. I don't know if that type of thing helps you or not, but it's worth a shot and it doesn't cost anything but time.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 25, 2016 8:42:49 GMT -5
No, thank you for " venting"!! Putting thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences, and questions about your every day experiences with a SM, and a family is more than helpful to many! Bravo!
You need to continue to guard your heart. Sounds like you are going through the "green grass syndrome". You are being tugged in two separate directions at the same time!
Glad you are here! ( I personally go right to your posts when I see them)
Wish I had good advise for you right now, the most I can say is, " open your heart slowly, little bits at a time ."
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Post by Dan on Apr 25, 2016 8:44:53 GMT -5
So, I wonder if I'm alone on this or not. I'm actively resisting my wife's attempts. It took a lot for me to get her to try. Oddly, what it took for me to get her to finally change her tune was to begin emotionally divorcing her. It started about a year ago. I had decided I was done. I was just waiting for certain things to settle in our life first. The bottom line though is whether or not I'll be able to truly be back in this marriage. I just can't bring myself to feel positive and loving feelings toward her. In some strange way, I don't want to. I just feel like I've been hurt so badly by her and I see her as a threat now. I'm very heavily guarded. I just don't trust that she won't hurt me again. I'm fully, 100% right there with you. All that I read on EP, this is pretty common, even natural. It sounds crazy: I would say to her "I don't trust you". It won't make much sense to her, but that is how I feel. I'll probably reflect and post more later on this. |
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Post by deborahmanning on Apr 25, 2016 8:45:40 GMT -5
Yes, this is very familiar. We went through several cycles of "trying" and more than once, a cycle was triggered by my giving up. Even though on the surface things were "better" for a while, I was not able to recommit during those short periods. (H always reverted to type long before I could actually start believing the change was real.)
Sorry you're going through this. I know exactly how hard it is to visualise (even visit!) the new apartment, and then have to take up the old role again in the same place, but with less hope.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 26, 2016 8:25:03 GMT -5
Do you think part of it may be that you need some acknowledgement of how much she hurt you? I am definitely not saying you should go ask for it but you went through a huge amount of pain and heart ache and now you are expected to move on like nothing happened. It is not easy. I think that would certainly help. She has acknowledged the hurt she has caused. It's usually followed up with some excuse though. So that aspect of it kind of cheapens her acknowledgement. I think what I ultimately need is to hear her own up to this stuff. I need to hear that she is truly interested in finding the root cause of our difficulty. So far, she just doesn't seem interested in talking much about it. She just thinks that pushing through the difficulty during the act of sex will be enough. I just don't think that approach is sustainable. Sometimes it seems like she's legitimately into it. Other times it seems very much like duty sex. I don't know. I'm so super sensitive to rejection anymore. Plus, I just am really scared that she'll simply cut me off again someday. I don't even want to give her the opportunity to do that. If we didn't have kids, I'd be long gone. My heart just really isn't in it anymore. That makes it tough. Its hard to make yourself want something you don't want. Both of us are kind of in that boat now. She doesn't really want to make sex a part of her life and I don't want to invest the second half of my life with her. So it's a struggle. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 26, 2016 8:38:08 GMT -5
This is what refusers don't understand - you can actually kill a person's love for you if you reject them long enough. I don't know if you're at that point, but it happened to me. Yes. Totally. Its like they don't get how damaging it is to the bond when we are rejected over and over. Yeah, i definitely feel as though i am teetering on the edge of that same realization. Yep, I'm doing all of the above. Its odd because I have had clarity many times but it seems something pulls me back in. Mostly it's fear. I feel as though I know what I ultimately want. I'm just scared to act. I'm working it out though. I'm getting there. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 26, 2016 8:39:45 GMT -5
Glad you are here! ( I personally go right to your posts when I see them) Thank you so much for that. I really appreciate it!  |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 26, 2016 9:45:17 GMT -5
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 26, 2016 9:46:52 GMT -5
I know how you feel. I emotionally separated myself from my husband over a year ago. He was puzzled at first because I had stopped initiating sex. He adjusted and he's ok with it now. I'm not angry any more. The sadness gets me sometimes.
I still do things in front of him to draw attention to my sexuality. He doesn't look at me when I walk around naked but if I keep a towel around me and let it sag a little, or if slowly peel my yoga clothes off while talking to him, I do see his reaction. His eyes change and he starts shifting and adjusting himself. Does he get up and ravish me? Nope. But I enjoy my tiny spark of power.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2016 19:14:08 GMT -5
We really need a boilerplate copy of that thing that Baz always said on EP: "SM fucks with your mind," etc.
No, you don't trust her. I didn't trust my ex either, after the first couple of times he said we would "try" that came to nothing.
It's a downward spiral. They reject us - we accept it and start to detach from them. Then they try to reset. We don't trust the reset - and after the first couple of times, they can tell we don't really believe them any more.
And it's normal for you to feel sad. You're sad for the good times that might have happened in the past, and you're sad about what the two of you could potentially be.
Potential is a killer - it can keep you in a situation where it will never come to be real.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 15, 2016 23:33:19 GMT -5
I shut down from my wife emotionally about 6 months ago when I attempted to discuss my feelings about the situation in our marriage and was ignored and no response to my feelings were given. I just couldn't stand the pain of trying to hope for any improvement in the future. I just wanted to stop hurting so much. It has helped some of the pain certainly not all of it. I've decided not to be angry about it anymore because it does me no good and certainly hasn't helped to be mad about it in the past. But, especially at night, when I'm alone in my bed, the sadness and loneliness gets to me.
Another reason I finally shut down my feelings was when I watched her reaction to me. She would be in the bathroom when I would come out the shower, fresh, clean, wet and naked, and her reaction was, well, there was no reaction. That reaction made me feel devastated. I realized I had lost her interest in me physically. By shutting down, she couldn't hurt me that way anymore because I quit hoping for something that isn't going to happen anymore.
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Post by baza on Aug 16, 2016 2:44:36 GMT -5
Possibly, this "actively resisting my wife's attempts" may have its' roots in you wanting some sort of revenge or pay back, at some level, conscious or not.
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Just as possibly, it is you 'testing' her, with an aim of trying to establish just how genuine she is.
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But the fact that you don't trust her, is hardly surprising.
At the beginning of a relationship, it takes a lot of work and history to build up trust.
Once in a relationship, it takes a lot to maintain that trust.
But it does NOT take a real lot to trash that trust.
And trying to re-gain trust after it has been busted is more difficult still, by a factor of ten.
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Clearly at this point, you don't trust her.
Will you ever fully trust her again ? - probably not, but you might trust her "enough", eventually.
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None the less, it would be smart to put the ILIASM protocols in place (legal advice / exit strategy / support network etc) now.
If you never use them, no harm done.
But if there is another major breach of trust, or you find that you just can't get over it, then you need a plan in your pocket.
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