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Post by Rhapsodee on Jan 28, 2017 18:10:09 GMT -5
It's a nice Saturday at noon, I'm back from yoga. Hub is at the table cleaning up his computer. I sit across from him and we start talking about cars, then on to books we have been reading. I tell him about David Balducci and he recommends WEB Griffin. I really enjoy talking to him. He's funny and engaging and I appreciate his intelligence. I look into his eyes and feel strong.......affection.
He is much happier and relaxed since I have convinced myself and him that I have let the sexual part of our marriage go. Maybe he's responding to me and my relaxed attitude toward him. I truly do not want to be angry at him anymore, but we all know unexpressed anger becomes sadness or depression.
I'm living on the surface with a time-bomb in the basement. I can hear it ticking but I can't see the timer. I've been told that I am shielded. I don't completely relax. I avoid direct questions. I "unintentionally" ignore questions I can't answer. I avoid issues. I don't do this intentionally, it's simple self preservation. If I look too closely, it will maim me. If I feel to much, I will combust. I know the pressure is building. That timer is ticking down. Explosion or implosion?What will be left of me when it reaches 0:00?
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 28, 2017 18:31:39 GMT -5
..... but we all know unexpressed anger becomes sadness or depression......... It absolutely does. I feel like I'm a posterchild for this process. Feeling like your soul and spirit are in a perpetually operating trash compactor every moment of every day is not fun. And it makes your ability to save yourself even more difficult. Rhapsodee.........don't let it tick down on you......those aren't the ticks of a time-bomb, they are the ticks of your heart. Don't let it happen. |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 28, 2017 18:33:33 GMT -5
"He is much happier and relaxed since I have convinced myself and him that I have let the sexual part of our marriage go." I'm sorry, rhapsodee, that is just so sad. |
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Post by nancyb on Jan 28, 2017 19:07:47 GMT -5
"He is much happier and relaxed since I have convinced myself and him that I have let the sexual part of our marriage go." I'm sorry, rhapsodee , that is just so sad. Ditto... |
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Post by baza on Jan 28, 2017 19:33:49 GMT -5
'Unexpected' explosions are not good.
But you are in a position where you know there's a bomb, and you even know where it is.
So there is nothing 'unexpected' about it.
You could even trigger the bomb yourself, at a time of your choosing to eliminate the 'unexpected' factor altogether.
You could detonate it at an exact time of your choosing.
Not saying you "would", not saying you "should" either.
But definitely saying you "could" thus eliminating the fear of 'when it goes off'.
'When it goes off' can be a matter entirely at your discretion, thus giving you a window of opportunity to prepare.
Hell of a choice for sure, but it would give you certainty, and there is a level of peace of mind to be had in that.
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Post by warmways on Jan 28, 2017 22:01:39 GMT -5
Rhapsody I totally know what you're talking about. I had that realization many years ago. I have let it drag on so long.
It scares the hell out of me that I let it go so long.
It's everything they want - a dysfunctional marriage on their terms. Ugh.
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Post by solodriver on Jan 29, 2017 0:23:03 GMT -5
Rhapsodee, I perfectly understand. Yes I let go of the expectation of any more sex in this marriage. Once in a while my wife and I will have a "good time" together where we get along ok.
But just beneath the surface is the idea that I don't know how much longer I can or want to do this. I want to be in control of if and/or when I call it instead of "exploding" it because of an angry moment when I blurt it out and lose control of myself and the situation. That is what is scaring me now, and I live with that fear every day and I have to be so conscious of myself, especially when she does or says things to me that make me angry.
My wedding anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks and I'm scared because I'm not sure how I want to handle it and then Valentines Day. I know what I so desperately wish would happen, but it's definitely not going to so I have to deal with the reality of the situation and try to keep myself under control because the "explosion" of how I really feel is just under the surface, not even in the basement. Maybe I should try to move the bomb back to the basement, and hope it doesn't blow up before I get it there.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 29, 2017 8:17:22 GMT -5
"He is much happier and relaxed since I have convinced myself and him that I have let the sexual part of our marriage go." I'm sorry, rhapsodee, that is just so sad. Agreed! No one when in a happy marriage should have to simply roll over completely to suit their partner. There is a compromise to be had. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 29, 2017 13:48:44 GMT -5
rhapsodee When the time is right for you, you will leave. Very possibly after the "explosion / implosion". If that does happen, you get to that point before your exit, you will survive it. You'll be just as injured as you are today, but, you will be able to heal and move on instead of sitting, waiting while listening to the ticking. This imminent explosion could be your ticket out. The collateral damage will be there, probably just the same, whether you've carefully crafted your exit or not. As I say these words to you, I'm acutely aware of my own "ticking time bomb"........ it. Sucks.
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Post by lwoetin on Jan 29, 2017 14:45:26 GMT -5
I would seek help in figuring out how to get the ticking bomb out. You don't want to wait for 0:00 on your own. If you really want to stay with your H, he should know and help you deal with your problem. Depending on how he responds (love or selfishness), you will have more clarity in how to move forward.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 29, 2017 15:27:03 GMT -5
It's a nice Saturday at noon, I'm back from yoga. Hub is at the table cleaning up his computer. I sit across from him and we start talking about cars, then on to books we have been reading. I tell him about David Balducci and he recommends WEB Griffin. I really enjoy talking to him. He's funny and engaging and I appreciate his intelligence. I look into his eyes and feel strong.......affection. He is much happier and relaxed since I have convinced myself and him that I have let the sexual part of our marriage go. Maybe he's responding to me and my relaxed attitude toward him. Like you I enjoyed engaging in conversation and other activities with my now X. I still do. When I was still trying to fix it I stopped trying to initiate for about 6 or 8 weeks just to see if it helped and to see if she noticed. After a few weeks she did seem more relaxed so I continued to lay off her. When nothing was said I finally brought my actions to her attention. She said she had noticed but had not thought to say anything. I concluded that if I were content to never try again she would be content to leave everything on cruse control mode. But randy old goat that I am I couldn't contain my lust and began trying to wheedle my way back into the honeypot. And roughly a year later we were separating. |
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Post by Lithium92 on Jan 29, 2017 15:27:49 GMT -5
I have a bomb too. I had one of those moments this weekend where something that's been rationally obviously for years actual sunk home emotionally. Or something.
This isn't a marriage, in any conventional sense. It's a friendship, and a good one, with financial entanglements, and that's what it will always be. Friendships aren't a bad thing, and there are worse people to live with, we get on well and share the same tastes in many things, and have a friends-level concern for each other's welfare.
If I start from having no expectations of her, then it's okay. She does what a friend would do if we shared a house. But there's no hint of any passion, it's all tepid, room temperature. And I have no particular desire to be with her more than anyone else.
The lack of sex is partly behind this, but there's something else, something disconnected and Aspergerish going on emotionally with her that makes her clearly perfectly fine with this level of interaction.
I'm having therapy at the moment and deliberately keeping an open mind about where it will go.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2017 18:32:09 GMT -5
It's a nice Saturday at noon, I'm back from yoga. Hub is at the table cleaning up his computer. I sit across from him and we start talking about cars, then on to books we have been reading. I tell him about David Balducci and he recommends WEB Griffin. I really enjoy talking to him. He's funny and engaging and I appreciate his intelligence. I look into his eyes and feel strong.......affection. He is much happier and relaxed since I have convinced myself and him that I have let the sexual part of our marriage go. Maybe he's responding to me and my relaxed attitude toward him. I truly do not want to be angry at him anymore, but we all know unexpressed anger becomes sadness or depression. I'm living on the surface with a time-bomb in the basement. I can hear it ticking but I can't see the timer. I've been told that I am shielded. I don't completely relax. I avoid direct questions. I "unintentionally" ignore questions I can't answer. I avoid issues. I don't do this intentionally, it's simple self preservation. If I look too closely, it will maim me. If I feel to much, I will combust. I know the pressure is building. That timer is ticking down. Explosion or implosion?What will be left of me when it reaches 0:00? I recently responded to someone about stopping trying and I have copies it here as it so appropriate, especially the disappointment. Copy/paste: You keep trying and you get shot down and you get upset. At what stage do you say to yourself why am I doing this to Myself. The biggest thing when you stop trying is a feeling you've failed and so you give it one more try ... and it fails again. The next stage in the disappointment cycle when you stop trying is that you expect them to notice or maybe make a change when they see how serious you are. But they don't notice or care and more likely are happy you stopped pestering them. |
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Post by unmatched on Jan 29, 2017 18:50:58 GMT -5
What if the timer never reaches zero? What if we just let it keeping on ticking forever? What happens to us then?
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Post by Rhapsodee on Jan 29, 2017 19:17:04 GMT -5
What if the timer never reaches zero? What if we just let it keeping on ticking forever? What happens to us then? My goal is to keep resetting it. I just want to be aware of it so I can defuse it or siphon off some of the pressure that I can feel building. I just need to figure out how to do that before it reaches the point of no return. |
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