|
|
Post by baza on Jan 29, 2017 19:42:15 GMT -5
unmatchedWhat tends to happen is this - At some triggerpoint, one says "that's enough" and sets a deadline. But, do not then prepare diligently and fully for the likelyhood of the deadline running out with no change to the dynamic. So the deadline arrives, one is completely unprepared and so - - - - One sets another deadline - "when the kid goes to college" "after Aunty Maudes chemo" - anything will do, as long as it is predicated on a future date. Then - and sooner than you think - enough time has elapsed to play a big card, that one being - "I'm too old" which is a real good show stopper. Then, you just play out your same old hand until you (or they) cash in your chips. And I'd just about bet that your last thoughts are NOT going to be - "Geez I'm glad I stayed in my ILIASM shithole".
|
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Jan 29, 2017 21:14:37 GMT -5
What if the timer never reaches zero? What if we just let it keeping on ticking forever? What happens to us then? My goal is to keep resetting it. I just want to be aware of it so I can defuse it or siphon off some of the pressure that I can feel building. I just need to figure out how to do that before it reaches the point of no return. If you figure it out, please share!!! I'm so close and every day has now become a challenge! |
|
flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61 
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by flowerdust on Jan 30, 2017 10:03:06 GMT -5
My Timer exploded this past weekend, Something he said to me and it all came flooding out. Told him I did not want to hear anymore of his excuses on why or treatments he was supposed to be getting and was not.
Even when we did have sex that it felt like I disgusted him upon entry and he would lose it roll over and go to sleep, did not even have the decency to finish me off and I am left there thinking to myself what the hell.
Told him that I just think he did not want to anymore for what ever reason and I did not care at this point.
As he stands in front of me with this pug smile on his face. Told him that I was going to start out sourcing or get a divorce, because having sex with him was just not on the table anymore. Why should I even try when I know nothing is going to happen.
I also said I was done talking about it with him as I could talk till the cows come home and nothing was going to change .
This is what he says to me. I don't know what you mean about not finishing you off, And apparently after 20 years I don't know him. I really do not think he believes me about the out sourcing or divorce.
So yes your timer will go off you do not know when but it will. I will say I do feel way better and a light bulb of clarity has now been switch on in my head.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 10:58:00 GMT -5
I understand your analogy about the time bomb. I thought of my situation as a prison sentence. I have served my time in misery and I finally got my release date. Now I am about to get a divorce which will end my parole term. I will be out and be free.
|
|
|
|
Post by iceman on Jan 30, 2017 11:48:24 GMT -5
That is a very good way to describe the situation with my wife. Currently we are getting along pretty well. No sex or affection of course but we act as though we're oblivious to that. I can't speak for her but it's on my mind constantly. Very close to the surface is an almost palatable tension between us that could erupt at any moment over the slightest thing. The last time it happened started with a benign discussion about dishes not getting clean in the dishwasher. It quickly became a heated and very personal argument about not respecting her needs and angry words about moving out. It really was ridiculous. As a result we largely lead separate lives where we only talk about the things we really need to that keeps the family and house running, and even then it's pretty minimal. I don't want to chance another explosion over nothing. It's really exhausting. I can feel the ticking as well ...
|
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on Jan 30, 2017 20:47:34 GMT -5
My Timer exploded this past weekend, Something he said to me and it all came flooding out. Told him I did not want to hear anymore of his excuses on why or treatments he was supposed to be getting and was not. Even when we did have sex that it felt like I disgusted him upon entry and he would lose it roll over and go to sleep, did not even have the decency to finish me off and I am left there thinking to myself what the hell. Told him that I just think he did not want to anymore for what ever reason and I did not care at this point. As he stands in front of me with this pug smile on his face. Told him that I was going to start out sourcing or get a divorce, because having sex with him was just not on the table anymore. Why should I even try when I know nothing is going to happen. I also said I was done talking about it with him as I could talk till the cows come home and nothing was going to change . This is what he says to me. I don't know what you mean about not finishing you off, And apparently after 20 years I don't know him. I really do not think he believes me about the out sourcing or divorce. So yes your timer will go off you do not know when but it will. I will say I do feel way better and a light bulb of clarity has now been switch on in my head. It sounds like in his mind he thinks he has got a good result here. He had to say something to defend himself but was careful not to say anything which might require him to argue in favour of having sex again. And I am sure you are right about him not believing you. Dick. |
|
|
|
Post by Pinkberry on Jan 31, 2017 15:10:26 GMT -5
It's a nice Saturday at noon, I'm back from yoga. Hub is at the table cleaning up his computer. I sit across from him and we start talking about cars, then on to books we have been reading. I tell him about David Balducci and he recommends WEB Griffin. I really enjoy talking to him. He's funny and engaging and I appreciate his intelligence. I look into his eyes and feel strong.......affection. He is much happier and relaxed since I have convinced myself and him that I have let the sexual part of our marriage go. Maybe he's responding to me and my relaxed attitude toward him. I truly do not want to be angry at him anymore, but we all know unexpressed anger becomes sadness or depression. I'm living on the surface with a time-bomb in the basement. I can hear it ticking but I can't see the timer. I've been told that I am shielded. I don't completely relax. I avoid direct questions. I "unintentionally" ignore questions I can't answer. I avoid issues. I don't do this intentionally, it's simple self preservation. If I look too closely, it will maim me. If I feel to much, I will combust. I know the pressure is building. That timer is ticking down. Explosion or implosion?What will be left of me when it reaches 0:00? I feel "affection" for my cousins, my friends, my wonderful neighbors, my kids' friends, but I don't want to be married to any of them. What you describe is not a marriage relationship. This guy is your friend and nothing more. If you want a committed, romantic relationship with someone, then you need to disengage from the things in this relationship that tie you there preventing a new one like the marriage certificate and shared finances. Friends don't have those things. Don't wait to explode and definitely do NOT wait for him to come to his senses and treat you the way you want to be by your husband. He is happy with the friend thing. You need to figure out how to get from where you are to where you want to be. |
|
|
|
Post by thistooshallpass on Jun 2, 2017 11:09:03 GMT -5
I have a bomb too. I had one of those moments this weekend where something that's been rationally obviously for years actual sunk home emotionally. Or something. This isn't a marriage, in any conventional sense. It's a friendship, and a good one, with financial entanglements, and that's what it will always be. Friendships aren't a bad thing, and there are worse people to live with, we get on well and share the same tastes in many things, and have a friends-level concern for each other's welfare. If I start from having no expectations of her, then it's okay. She does what a friend would do if we shared a house. But there's no hint of any passion, it's all tepid, room temperature. And I have no particular desire to be with her more than anyone else. The lack of sex is partly behind this, but there's something else, something disconnected and Aspergerish going on emotionally with her that makes her clearly perfectly fine with this level of interaction. I'm having therapy at the moment and deliberately keeping an open mind about where it will go. I could've written 99% of what you've expressed here. Thanks for writing it out for me, telecaster68. Especially the following part: "The lack of sex is partly behind this, but there's something else, something disconnected and Aspergerish going on emotionally with her that makes her clearly perfectly fine with this level of interaction." |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2017 11:23:10 GMT -5
It's a nice Saturday at noon, I'm back from yoga. Hub is at the table cleaning up his computer. I sit across from him and we start talking about cars, then on to books we have been reading. I tell him about David Balducci and he recommends WEB Griffin. I really enjoy talking to him. He's funny and engaging and I appreciate his intelligence. I look into his eyes and feel strong.......affection. He is much happier and relaxed since I have convinced myself and him that I have let the sexual part of our marriage go. Maybe he's responding to me and my relaxed attitude toward him. I truly do not want to be angry at him anymore, but we all know unexpressed anger becomes sadness or depression. I'm living on the surface with a time-bomb in the basement. I can hear it ticking but I can't see the timer. I've been told that I am shielded. I don't completely relax. I avoid direct questions. I "unintentionally" ignore questions I can't answer. I avoid issues. I don't do this intentionally, it's simple self preservation. If I look too closely, it will maim me. If I feel to much, I will combust. I know the pressure is building. That timer is ticking down. Explosion or implosion?What will be left of me when it reaches 0:00? I have the time bomb too. When it gets close to zero I reset it. There are tons of reasons why but what does it matter the reason. I have let go the possibility that I will be having sex with my wife, maybe never again. I was able to find it else where for a while, and now realize that will be the only way I will be having sex if I continue to stay married. I never knew life could be so sad.... Save |
|
