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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 6, 2017 22:20:57 GMT -5
Twice a month?
Here's the thing. It's really a question of WANTING to have the sex with me, the quality of the sex we have (in having sex that we want), and what it means that she wouldn't want sex with me - that this is a compromise that is "work" for her.
Questions of frequency really don't get at the core of it. I could have it every day, but sex that someone doesn't want but has anyway, is just bad sex. And they are going to find a way not to have it.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 8, 2017 14:13:34 GMT -5
My immediate answer upon reading your question bballgirl was a resounding YES I would stay. As I typed my emphatic response, I began to press the back arrow button. In all honesty, if we had been having decent, non-coerced sex every two weeks throughout our marriage, I would CONSIDER staying to be a possibility. As I've come out of the fog, I now realize that the sexlessness and lack of intimacy are just 2 of the issues that ultimately render us incompatible. I'm not saying we needed to be the same. That word be boring - my H has some qualities that I adore - he's hysterically funny, has an incredible work ethic, in general has a very pleasant demeanor. Maybe there aren't as many qualities as I would've thought, but I certainly do not hate him at this point and still think he is attractive. The issues we do have, aside from sexlesness and lack of intimacy are many. Enough that would warrant a divorce even if we were having an adequate sexlife. Sex is important - but not enough to ignore everything else. So, my long-winded answer is, NO I'm not staying. If I am to live an authentic life - it can't be while married to him. I'm just hoping to make it to my exit target which is "this summer". My ducks aren't yet all in that proverbial row. Good question - so thought provoking! What I see missing from your explanation - which is a very excellent one and I get a lot out of it - but what is missing is do you still LOVE your H? Are you "in love" or at least have affection for the H? My problem I am having now is I have ZERO feelings for my W other than pity when I saw how devastated she was when we agreed to a divorce. What I am obsessing about is that I do not LOVE my W any more or at least I can feel nothing like that now - just pity for her as she said she still loved me. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 8, 2017 14:15:49 GMT -5
Twice a month? Absolutely not. I was already having issues and unhappy when we had that kind of frequency. My sex drive and need for physical affection is way, way too high for that. Even then, I'd still be missing somebody to flirt with. I'd still be missing somebody to kiss at random. I'd still be missing somebody to dance with. I'd still be missing somebody to cook with. I'd still be missing somebody to experience the world with. As others have said, I think the lack of sex was the most visible symptom of a much larger illness. Do you still have "LOVE" or affection for your W? Is there any "feelings" left. I am stripping away all the good things and bad things but what I am finding at the core of my search is that whether I still "LOVE" my W? Right now I just feel absolutely nothing except pity for her because she said she still loved me. I am wondering if all the disfunction ( a lot of it is on me to be honest) is stripped out - is the final core whether I still "love" her or not. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 8, 2017 14:19:37 GMT -5
I'm kinda right in the middle of this dilemma right now. The H has agreed to go to a sex therapist to get help for his problems with sex. I'm happy he finally realized he has a problem but I feel like I screwed myself too. I've been refused so many times that I am no longer wanting to have sex with him. What if he gets better and is able to resume our sex life? Is it going to be just enough to suffice me to stay when I'm not sure I want to? And if I stay and don't want to have sex with him, do I become the refuser? Part of me is thinking that I might have fucked up. If I may ask do you still have feelings for your H? If he suddenly (I am assuming hypthetically) started behaving exactly as you would like - would that fix everything - so it is really his behavior that can make or break. Or . . . have you reached a place in your marriage where you do not "love" him? Or what are your "feelings" and does that impact your decision making? |
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Post by lyn on Feb 8, 2017 14:36:52 GMT -5
My immediate answer upon reading your question bballgirl was a resounding YES I would stay. As I typed my emphatic response, I began to press the back arrow button. In all honesty, if we had been having decent, non-coerced sex every two weeks throughout our marriage, I would CONSIDER staying to be a possibility. As I've come out of the fog, I now realize that the sexlessness and lack of intimacy are just 2 of the issues that ultimately render us incompatible. I'm not saying we needed to be the same. That word be boring - my H has some qualities that I adore - he's hysterically funny, has an incredible work ethic, in general has a very pleasant demeanor. Maybe there aren't as many qualities as I would've thought, but I certainly do not hate him at this point and still think he is attractive. The issues we do have, aside from sexlesness and lack of intimacy are many. Enough that would warrant a divorce even if we were having an adequate sexlife. Sex is important - but not enough to ignore everything else. So, my long-winded answer is, NO I'm not staying. If I am to live an authentic life - it can't be while married to him. I'm just hoping to make it to my exit target which is "this summer". My ducks aren't yet all in that proverbial row. Good question - so thought provoking! What I see missing from your explanation - which is a very excellent one and I get a lot out of it - but what is missing is do you still LOVE your H? Are you "in love" or at least have affection for the H? My problem I am having now is I have ZERO feelings for my W other than pity when I saw how devastated she was when we agreed to a divorce. What I am obsessing about is that I do not LOVE my W any more or at least I can feel nothing like that now - just pity for her as she said she still loved me. That's a very good question @mcroommate. Part of me will always love my h. But I'm definitely NOT in love with him. Believe it or not, on the surface we get along very well, so, I'm not even sure how to quantify my feelings for him at this point. We're just different. I don't think he has consciously tried to be emotionally abusive by abandoning me in the marriage (sexually and intimacy-wise). It seem to me, he has no ability to grasp what has happened between us - not a bad guy, just not the guy for me at this point. Hope this helped and I hope you're doing okay. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 8, 2017 15:22:01 GMT -5
lyn What I see missing from your explanation - which is a very excellent one and I get a lot out of it - but what is missing is do you still LOVE your H? Are you "in love" or at least have affection for the H? My problem I am having now is I have ZERO feelings for my W other than pity when I saw how devastated she was when we agreed to a divorce. What I am obsessing about is that I do not LOVE my W any more or at least I can feel nothing like that now - just pity for her as she said she still loved me. That's a very good question @mcroommate. Part of me will always love my h. But I'm definitely NOT in love with him. Believe it or not, on the surface we get along very well, so, I'm not even sure how to quantify my feelings for him at this point. We're just different. I don't think he has consciously tried to be emotionally abusive by abandoning me in the marriage (sexually and intimacy-wise). It seem to me, he has no ability to grasp what has happened between us - not a bad guy, just not the guy for me at this point. Hope this helped and I hope you're doing okay. Hmm, not "in love" with him. Well actually I have been doing quite a bit or research including well even scientific studies on the "In Love" phase - the mad passionate phase usually lasts maximum 30 months. If the couple is healthy it morphs into long term affectionate love relationship. With my old girlfriend back in the 90s we were together for years and I still loved her (missed her and she was in my heart) for years. I remember when I married my first wife because she was pregnant I realized I still loved my old girlfriend and it hurt. So do you "Love" him like Platonic, divine, spiritual, or still have feelings for him. Just trying to understand and value how you feel in this mess we all find ourselves because it helps me understand me even when I understand you too. Thx I am doing OK far from out of the woods . . . alot of uncertainty and the hardest part is being honest with myself because I look in my heart now and it is like a hurricane of emotions I cant tell heads from tails. Well at least that is a bit honest - more digging. So what do you mean by "love" him vs. "in love" if I may ask please. |
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Post by lyn on Feb 8, 2017 15:32:00 GMT -5
@mcroommate
If you actually are certain you have zero love for her at this point, maybe try to visualize what you WANT your future to look like say, 2 years from now.
Then, visualize how you THINK it will look 2 years from now if you stay -
My 2c
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Post by lyn on Feb 8, 2017 15:47:27 GMT -5
McRoomMate. In all honesty, how I feel about my H at this point is almost a mere affection based in sentimentality. I say that part of me "loves" him still, but, I can say that about a lot of people. No romantic love whatsoever. I care about his wellbeing, sure, but I also care about the wellbeing of the Uber driver, or the guy washing my car - whatever...... The 30 or so months of "bliss" when one first falls in love feels amazing, yet, as we know, the hormones and neurotransmitters involved during this time invariably change to the degree that physiology won't keep us together any longer - especially when our chosen mate lacks the ability to attach to us intimately, long term, for whatever reason.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 8, 2017 16:40:01 GMT -5
McRoomMate . In all honesty, how I feel about my H at this point is almost a mere affection based in sentimentality. I say that part of me "loves" him still, but, I can say that about a lot of people. No romantic love whatsoever. I care about his wellbeing, sure, but I also care about the wellbeing of the Uber driver, or the guy washing my car - whatever...... The 30 or so months of "bliss" when one first falls in love feels amazing, yet, as we know, the hormones and neurotransmitters involved during this time invariably change to the degree that physiology won't keep us together any longer - especially when our chosen mate lacks the ability to attach to us intimately, long term, for whatever reason. Thank-you lyn I really needed to hear that. Extremely therapeutic. Ah, I am not alone . . . I thank-you from the bottom of my heart for you honesty and candidness. Sublime really. Very nice. We sort of reflect off each other here and this leads inevitably closer to the "truth" which I would define ultimately as being honest with the heart and the mind . . . something that is not so natural for me these days. Respect. |
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Post by LITW on Feb 8, 2017 16:42:19 GMT -5
I did stay ... my wife offered to let me go be with my AP when she found out about us, but I couldn't do it -- I could not desert her. She later told me that if I had said I wanted out she would have fought to keep me, but it was my choice.
So why did I stay? It was a combination of sentimentality, loyalty, and feeling responsibility to the marriage. One astute friend suggested that it is because of the high value I place on marriage ... perhaps it is. For my wife's part, I am sure the reason she still wants me around is that she likes the stability I provide her. So she gets the stability she wants, she doesn't have to work (even though she wants to), and she doesn't have to put out. What a good situation for her!
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 8, 2017 18:31:01 GMT -5
@mcroommate If you actually are certain you have zero love for her at this point, maybe try to visualize what you WANT your future to look like say, 2 years from now. Then, visualize how you THINK it will look 2 years from now if you stay - My 2c That is a lot of value for 2c - Hmm. Vision of the future 2 years from now. How bold. Will give this a try. Will require discipline and focus and imagination and courage and honesty. What a freaking exercise. 2 paths or is it 1 path . . . |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 8, 2017 18:35:39 GMT -5
I did stay ... my wife offered to let me go be with my AP when she found out about us, but I couldn't do it -- I could not desert her. She later told me that if I had said I wanted out she would have fought to keep me, but it was my choice. So why did I stay? It was a combination of sentimentality, loyalty, and feeling responsibility to the marriage. One astute friend suggested that it is because of the high value I place on marriage ... perhaps it is. For my wife's part, I am sure the reason she still wants me around is that she likes the stability I provide her. So she gets the stability she wants, she doesn't have to work (even though she wants to), and she doesn't have to put out. What a good situation for her! @litw What is "AP" Alternate Partner? With all respect, what you describe does indeed sound very good for your W? But YOU? You stayed and so it is "Status Quo"? Woa . . . I have to say my mind is spinning over your post here. Is the situation good for you? Are you happy now? And I notice I saw a lot of well thought out reasons you stayed . . . but I did not see the L Word . . . LOVE? So what is going now? May I ask is this "decision" still being decided? Hmm Mmm. |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 8, 2017 18:39:02 GMT -5
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Post by cagedtiger on Feb 9, 2017 14:02:45 GMT -5
Twice a month? Absolutely not. I was already having issues and unhappy when we had that kind of frequency. My sex drive and need for physical affection is way, way too high for that. Even then, I'd still be missing somebody to flirt with. I'd still be missing somebody to kiss at random. I'd still be missing somebody to dance with. I'd still be missing somebody to cook with. I'd still be missing somebody to experience the world with. As others have said, I think the lack of sex was the most visible symptom of a much larger illness. Do you still have "LOVE" or affection for your W? Is there any "feelings" left. I am stripping away all the good things and bad things but what I am finding at the core of my search is that whether I still "LOVE" my W? Right now I just feel absolutely nothing except pity for her because she said she still loved me. I am wondering if all the disfunction ( a lot of it is on me to be honest) is stripped out - is the final core whether I still "love" her or not. At the moment, I have neither with her; at best, concern or mild interest at what's going on in her life right now. At the worst, comtempt at what I see as he many unacknowledged shortcomings. And pity. Good lord, do I feel a lot of pity towards her. I'm not sure when I truly fell out of love with her, as that's been muddied by the pity and the feeling i had for so long that I had to stay with her to take care of her. It's one of the things I'm working on, with my therapist 's help. |
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