|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jan 28, 2017 17:41:25 GMT -5
After replying to a question from greatcoastal it's making me wonder how other's who have left or are strongly considering it. If you had sex with your spouse say twice a month, decent sex but not mind blowing, everyone has one orgasm maybe two for her lol, would you stay married and tolerate the other parts of your marriage that aren't perfect? If I had sex I would have stayed. I feel like no marriage is perfect and people will do things, make mistakes, but if we love them we stick by them. I feel like sex is the connection that gets you through all of the shit. No sex = No romantic love for me and that was something I don't want to live without. So what are your thoughts on the topic? |
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Jan 28, 2017 18:01:27 GMT -5
bballgirl you nailed it in my opinion! That's what I think it should be. Sex is the difference between love and friendship and the glue that keeps the love going when all else is not so well. I think sex also helps both people remember what is important and is a great stress reliever.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 28, 2017 18:03:08 GMT -5
(this is a straight copy of what I put on that thread you refer to Sister bballgirl.
I must admit that I carry little pictures in my head about many ILIASM members.
Sort of like when member X's name appears, and I think, "Ah yeah, they are the one with -
- the druggie spouse
- the manipulator spouse
- the totally nuts spouse
- the gambler spouse
- the financially irresponsible spouse
- the alky spouse
- the abusive spouse
- the user spouse
- the shit of a person spouse
- the intimidator spouse
- the opiate addict spouse
- the "whatever the core problem is" spouse
The no sex part of the deal is a given.
That is common to all, the biggest indicator or symptom there is that something is fundamentally wrong in the deal.
And in my own situation, there were 4 main things badly awry in my deal. 5 if you count the absence of sex.
Any one of these 4 behaviours were serious enough, but taken in isolation, not quite enough to warrant leaving.
But the combination of the 4 things (5 if you want to count the sex) WAS enough to warrant leaving.
I doubt I would have left over the sex had it been the only issue.
I doubt I would have left over the drinking had it been the only issue.
I doubt I would have left over the financial irresponsibility had it been the only issue.
I doubt I would have left over the lying had that been the only issue.
But, taken in toto, these matters were a dealbreaker.
It wasn't "one thing".
If I were to "rate" these individual things above, I think I'd put the gambling at the head of the list.
The sex would be well down the list, and in any event, was a symptom, not a cause.
|
|
|
|
Post by lyn on Jan 28, 2017 18:07:59 GMT -5
My immediate answer upon reading your question bballgirl was a resounding YES I would stay. As I typed my emphatic response, I began to press the back arrow button. In all honesty, if we had been having decent, non-coerced sex every two weeks throughout our marriage, I would CONSIDER staying to be a possibility. As I've come out of the fog, I now realize that the sexlessness and lack of intimacy are just 2 of the issues that ultimately render us incompatible. I'm not saying we needed to be the same. That word be boring - my H has some qualities that I adore - he's hysterically funny, has an incredible work ethic, in general has a very pleasant demeanor. Maybe there aren't as many qualities as I would've thought, but I certainly do not hate him at this point and still think he is attractive. The issues we do have, aside from sexlesness and lack of intimacy are many. Enough that would warrant a divorce even if we were having an adequate sexlife. Sex is important - but not enough to ignore everything else. So, my long-winded answer is, NO I'm not staying. If I am to live an authentic life - it can't be while married to him. I'm just hoping to make it to my exit target which is "this summer". My ducks aren't yet all in that proverbial row. Good question - so thought provoking! |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jan 28, 2017 18:13:50 GMT -5
My immediate answer upon reading your question bballgirl was a resounding YES I would stay. As I typed my emphatic response, I began to press the back arrow button. In all honesty, if we had been having decent, non-coerced sex every two weeks throughout our marriage, I would CONSIDER staying to be a possibility. As I've come out of the fog, I now realize that the sexlessness and lack of intimacy are just 2 of the issues that ultimately render us incompatible. I'm not saying we needed to be the same. That word be boring - my H has some qualities that I adore - he's hysterically funny, has an incredible work ethic, in general has a very pleasant demeanor. Maybe there aren't as many qualities as I would've thought, but I certainly do not hate him at this point and still think he is attractive. The issues we do have, aside from sexlesness and lack of intimacy are many. Enough that would warrant a divorce even if we were having an adequate sexlife. Sex is important - but not enough to ignore everything else. So, my long-winded answer is, NO I'm not staying. If I am to live an authentic life - it can't be while married to him. I'm just hoping to make it to my exit target which is "this summer". My ducks aren't yet all in that proverbial row. Good question - so thought provoking! Trust me I get it and at this stage of the game I prefer passion to love, for now, but waiting on the whole shebang! Your time will come and everything will fall into place! |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on Jan 28, 2017 18:20:29 GMT -5
Thanks bballgirl - I don't think this is the end. Just nearing the end of this particular chapter. The gambling addiction is a real bitch. One you can't compete with - it looks like a lot of us have had to deal with that particular gut punch again and again. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are a real inspiration to me - before you know it, the whole shebang will be yours and I hope we get to hear all about it! xx |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jan 28, 2017 18:23:32 GMT -5
As I said in the other thread, I probably would have stayed if the sex and affection had been acceptable. I would quibble with your 2x/month number, but I don't think that was the point of the post. In my case i was getting once a month, which wasn't enough. But the attitude behind it was a killer too. We lived together before the marriage. Neither once or twice a month would have prompted me to propose.
|
|
|
|
Post by thebaffledking on Jan 28, 2017 18:25:15 GMT -5
No. In my particular case it's not just the sex, it's how she has decided to treat me here in midlife that I find unacceptable. I came to a point 4-5 years ago where I woke up and found her physically repulsive -- a primal subconscious survival technique or something -- now it's that I just can't stand being around her for myriad other reasons.
|
|
flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61 
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by flowerdust on Jan 28, 2017 18:53:19 GMT -5
BBGirl I always love to read what you have to say, I do agree with you, if it was just the sex and I was getting it twice a month at this point it would be woooohooo for me.  As we know it is not the case  There is a but, I have noticed that since the whole no sex issue is on the plate I start to notice things about my H that drive me nuts, things I have always over looked, which shows me that with out the love making and everything that gos with it you lose everything. Don't get me wrong I love him, 20 years it has been. But without those endorphins that go along with love making you are doomed . |
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 28, 2017 19:01:40 GMT -5
wow, 2X/month? that's a pretty large incentive...
can't say what I would have done - but will say that 2X/mo (and presuming one of the 2 were with an sensually engaged partner!) would be a huge diff from the path we've been on for decades.
yep - I'd be a 'good boy' for 2X/mo...
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jan 28, 2017 20:47:27 GMT -5
Would I have stayed? That depends. The few times we did have sex I felt a strong wave of wanting to finally be open, my true real self. like others have said, "we should do this more often". It brings on a need for even more daily intimacy, sharing of thoughts, goals, ideas, humor,and wanting to give, and receive more compliments, gifts, words of praise, and do more acts of service.
Would things have been better for the kids? It comes down to how much giving vrs taking she would have done in other areas of our lives if we had a stronger sexual bond. It may have looked better on the surface for the kids. But it's still just the surface.
However the reality is that my W. did not have those same feelings and reactions.She didn't want to be true, real, and open up. The intimacy would be back to all receiving with very little giving. The communication would not come into an even playing field. She was still acting entitled. The golden uterus syndrome. Sex would have opened up more communication efforts on my part. Most likely increasing her manipulation and control with our finances, or possibly limiting her ability to get away with as much. Who really knows?
Sadly it would have probably dragged things out even further.
With all that said, no ,it would still mean divorce eventually.
|
|
|
|
Post by warmways on Jan 28, 2017 21:44:32 GMT -5
I'd have to say no because of the
Excess spending, he wastes money, no matter how much we earn and we always barely scrape by even though he makes a lot and I earn an okay wage and do everything else so all he has to do is focus on work in a job he loves and excels at.
The controlling - my way or the highway - attitude
Inability to be vulnerable and emotional avoidance
The ongoing addiction cycle
Being unreliable and untrustworthy (Lucy and he football deal) and how that has chipped away at my soul
His inability to be joyful and have a zest for life.
I wanted sex for so many years but at this point with the above factors I can't have sex with him. It's been too long and the time and distance has killed the intense passion we once had.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2017 22:20:27 GMT -5
After replying to a question from greatcoastal it's making me wonder how other's who have left or are strongly considering it. If you had sex with your spouse say twice a month, decent sex but not mind blowing, everyone has one orgasm maybe two for her lol, would you stay married and tolerate the other parts of your marriage that aren't perfect? If I had sex I would have stayed. I feel like no marriage is perfect and people will do things, make mistakes, but if we love them we stick by them. I feel like sex is the connection that gets you through all of the shit. No sex = No romantic love for me and that was something I don't want to live without. So what are your thoughts on the topic? You sound a lot like me, bballgirl. Mr. Kat and I started off with a good relationship - in bed and out of bed. I know that he later developed some problems. I never meant to minimize his problems, and I did try to have empathy with him, and not only see things as they affected me. Maybe my best efforts in those areas were not enough. But what I will NEVER understand is this: why didn't he want to do anything he could to solve his problems and make life better for himself - with or without me? Did he WANT to feel lousy all the time? I feel better about the whole thing than I used to, but I will probably never entirely stop feeling sad about the way things played out. And to answer the original question - yes, I would have stayed. For me, sex is part of a love relationship; and while sex does not really "solve" anything - it just makes everything better. For me at any rate, the feelings it creates make the stress of life, the occasional problems, easier to put up with. There may be scientific validity to this - sex is known to get the endorphins flowing! |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jan 28, 2017 22:49:09 GMT -5
After replying to a question from greatcoastal it's making me wonder how other's who have left or are strongly considering it. If you had sex with your spouse say twice a month, decent sex but not mind blowing, everyone has one orgasm maybe two for her lol, would you stay married and tolerate the other parts of your marriage that aren't perfect? If I had sex I would have stayed. I feel like no marriage is perfect and people will do things, make mistakes, but if we love them we stick by them. I feel like sex is the connection that gets you through all of the shit. No sex = No romantic love for me and that was something I don't want to live without. So what are your thoughts on the topic? You sound a lot like me, bballgirl. Mr. Kat and I started off with a good relationship - in bed and out of bed. I know that he later developed some problems. I never meant to minimize his problems, and I did try to have empathy with him, and not only see things as they affected me. Maybe my best efforts in those areas were not enough. But what I will NEVER understand is this: why didn't he want to do anything he could to solve his problems and make life better for himself - with or without me? Did he WANT to feel lousy all the time? I feel better about the whole thing than I used to, but I will probably never entirely stop feeling sad about the way things played out. And to answer the original question - yes, I would have stayed. For me, sex is part of a love relationship; and while sex does not really "solve" anything - it just makes everything better. For me at any rate, the feelings it creates make the stress of life, the occasional problems, easier to put up with. There may be scientific validity to this - sex is known to get the endorphins flowing! My ex had health problems too. I don't know why he didn't try to fix his health problems for sure but in the end I saw it that he neglected himself. He has diabetes and he would buy soda which is like poison for a diabetic. The way I saw it and it helped me to not be angry... His neglect of me and the marriage was just who he is because he even neglected himself. |
|
|
|
Post by rejected101 on Jan 29, 2017 8:39:13 GMT -5
After replying to a question from greatcoastal it's making me wonder how other's who have left or are strongly considering it. If you had sex with your spouse say twice a month, decent sex but not mind blowing, everyone has one orgasm maybe two for her lol, would you stay married and tolerate the other parts of your marriage that aren't perfect? If I had sex I would have stayed. I feel like no marriage is perfect and people will do things, make mistakes, but if we love them we stick by them. I feel like sex is the connection that gets you through all of the shit. No sex = No romantic love for me and that was something I don't want to live without. So what are your thoughts on the topic? If it was an absolute shithole marriage but included as much sex as I fancied, I wouldn't stay. Sex is so much better when the person you are fucking is the most precious and significant adult in your life. If the marriage was generally ok, could be better, could be worse and involved sex, I'd probably stay! I would have preferred to settle on sex three times a month though. Decent sex but not mind blowing, everyone has one orgasm maybe two for her lol ;-) |
|
As we know it is not the case 
