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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 26, 2017 14:58:57 GMT -5
As if living in a SM wasn't bad enough, I recently admitted all my fantasies to my wife in a last ditch effort to spark things. She replied she has no interest in any of them. Not even a gentle "I'll think about it", or a "let's compromise"...just a straight shoot-down. That conversation will go down as the last attempt I ever make at "rejuvenating" my SM, which was never more than once a month during the best years. I don't think I even find my wife attractive anymore, so I guess she should toast this occasion, as she won't have to put up with my annual "talk" going forward. Just wondering if anyone else out there has had their fantasies shot down, and if it was as crushing to you as it was to me.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 26, 2017 15:10:54 GMT -5
This will so sound puritanical, but I wanted to sit in a chair and have her straddle me, facing me. She was incredibly reluctant (she has always expressed distaste at anything other than just laying there.....and one of her most telling lines is "Boobs are for babies".) Anyway she did the chair for maybe a minute and then she stopped, didn't like it - probably too intimate for her to deal with. About a week later we were having lunch with her brother at a park and she started joking about "that monkey thing" I "made (her) do." Yeah, HILARIOUS........fun picnic. That was probably 20 years ago.......and to this day when we visit BIL, he is likely to throw out some random joke about 'that monkey thing'.
I gave up, too. It's the only way to try and preserve our sanity and start looking around for the fire exits.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 26, 2017 15:17:44 GMT -5
The insensitivity is amazing. I don't know why it hurt so bad when she dismissed my fantasies (I've been getting rejected for 11 years). I guess because I finally told one of my few secrets she didn't already know and it was just brushed aside with no regard, over in an instant.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 26, 2017 15:57:39 GMT -5
Boils down to incompatibility and lack of communication.
You have to be able to talk about sex if it's going to be good.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 26, 2017 16:05:07 GMT -5
What seemed like normal requests, (things I had experienced in the past) were shot down, rejected, dismissed. Leaving me feeling like I was some kind of sexual pervert. Another great example of how a refuser "compromises". They say no, and you have to agree, simply because they don't like it. End of compromise. How dare you FORCE something on someone who doesn't like it. Especially a man on a woman.
What was supposed to be an eternal marriage filled with living out and giving someone else the maximum sexual pleasures, and receiving back from it, instead becomes a dangerous area to even proceed into, with hidden fears of prosecution, because you went to far. Here's the cherry on top. My spouse years later in counciling, complained that "I didn't lead, I wasn't a leader".
My last and final attempt was during our re-set vacation over a year ago. We were alone on a three mile trail, in a public park. The park was built inside an old abandoned orange grove. I mentioned to my W. "I love being outside like this.maybe we could come back later around sun set and have some romantic time to ourselves? Her response, "NO, I am just an old fuddy -dutty for that."
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Post by iceman on Jan 26, 2017 16:59:11 GMT -5
Boils down to incompatibility and lack of communication. You have to be able to talk about sex if it's going to be good. Completely agree. And you have be able to bring up pretty anything without the fear of being judged. A fantasy is just that - a fantasy. It doesn't mean that you're actually going to do them. Some yes but probably some no. But you should be able to talk about them all to work out what each of you would be up for. A few times back when we were having sex my wife shot me down in a such a judgmental way that I just gave up. |
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Post by iceman on Jan 26, 2017 17:08:48 GMT -5
What seemed like normal requests, (things I had experienced in the past) were shot down, rejected, dismissed. Leaving me feeling like I was some kind of sexual pervert. Another great example of how a refuser "compromises". They say no, and you have to agree, simply because they don't like it. End of compromise. How dare you FORCE something on someone who doesn't like it. Especially a man on a woman. What was supposed to be an eternal marriage filled with living out and giving someone else the maximum sexual pleasures, and receiving back from it, instead becomes a dangerous area to even proceed into, with hidden fears of prosecution, because you went to far. Here's the cherry on top. My spouse years later in counciling, complained that "I didn't lead, I wasn't a leader". My last and final attempt was during our re-set vacation over a year ago. We were alone on a three mile trail, in a public park. The park was built inside an old abandoned orange grove. I mentioned to my W. "I love being outside like this.maybe we could come back later around sun set and have some romantic time to ourselves? Her response, "NO, I am just an old fuddy -dutty for that." Sounds like my wife - an old fuddy-dutty. I swear she's turned into her mother. I should have followed the old advice to look at a prospective spouse's mother or father to get a preview of what's in store for the future. I thought about it but my then fiancé was so adamant that she didn't want to turn out like her mother that I believed her. Yet he we are .... |
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 26, 2017 17:22:25 GMT -5
What seemed like normal requests, (things I had experienced in the past) were shot down, rejected, dismissed. Leaving me feeling like I was some kind of sexual pervert. Another great example of how a refuser "compromises". They say no, and you have to agree, simply because they don't like it. End of compromise. How dare you FORCE something on someone who doesn't like it. Especially a man on a woman. What was supposed to be an eternal marriage filled with living out and giving someone else the maximum sexual pleasures, and receiving back from it, instead becomes a dangerous area to even proceed into, with hidden fears of prosecution, because you went to far. Here's the cherry on top. My spouse years later in counciling, complained that "I didn't lead, I wasn't a leader". My last and final attempt was during our re-set vacation over a year ago. We were alone on a three mile trail, in a public park. The park was built inside an old abandoned orange grove. I mentioned to my W. "I love being outside like this.maybe we could come back later around sun set and have some romantic time to ourselves? Her response, "NO, I am just an old fuddy -dutty for that." That's just what I felt like: a pervert. Insult to injury is that I have friends who mention in random conversations the wild and crazy things they have done with their wives/GFs, like threesomes, and talk like it's no big deal. Inside I'm screaming...who lives in these fantasy lives where you not only have regular sex, but threesomes or other such things?? |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2017 17:27:35 GMT -5
You keep trying and you get shot down and you get upset. At what stage do you say to yourself why am I doing this to Myself. The biggest thing when you stop trying is a feeling you've failed and so you give it one more try ... and it fails again.
The next stage in the disappointment cycle when you stop trying is that you expect them to notice or maybe make a change when they see how serious you are. But they don't notice or care and more likely are happy you stopped pestering them.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jan 26, 2017 17:45:50 GMT -5
I gave up trying to dive into my fantasies a long time before we quit having sex- she was easily embarrassed and very tentative with most things sexual. I didn't even dare consider diving into any of the darker, harder fantasies, interests, and kinks I've had.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 26, 2017 17:52:42 GMT -5
Boils down to incompatibility and lack of communication. You have to be able to talk about sex if it's going to be good. Completely agree. And you have be able to bring up pretty anything without the fear of being judged. A fantasy is just that - a fantasy. It doesn't mean that you're actually going to do them. Some yes but probably some no. But you should be able to talk about them all to work out what each of you would be up for. A few times back when we were having sex my wife shot mean in a such a judgmental way that I just gave up. That's the thing fantasy is exactly that - fantasy. Our fantasies when we are taking care of ourselves tend to get quite primal and sometimes borderline violent or flat out immoral but they are so hot and erotic. It taps into a part of the psyche that is a secret part of us but I can easily talk about sex and would expect that any man that I could be with in my future would be entertained and maybe inspired by what goes through my head. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 26, 2017 18:04:22 GMT -5
Boils down to incompatibility and lack of communication. Maybe more practical to discuss what the incompatibility and the lack of communication boil down to. They boil down to a lack of desire for a spouse on part of the other. If the desire is there, communicating about sex is a total turn on. As is having the sex without any other communication. Having sex is a kind of communication too. I can say things with that that I can't say other ways, in the same way that I can say things by singing that I can't say by writing, or talking. If desire isn't there, then the person they don't want to have sex with is bothering them and won't shut up about it. So there won't be any communication, except one partner sending out signal to a hostile room. What does the lack of desire boil down to? That's hard to say when you are in it, but even in the singles world, it's superhard to generate desire once you are in the friend zone, beyond "why not?". Once you defog, you might find a whole Pandora's box - usually involving contempt or long term dissatisfaction, even unresolved differences either that you did, or that they thought, or that results from circumstance that they never anticipated (like what does marriage mean to them?) But knowing that doesn't help you generate desire. |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 26, 2017 18:08:42 GMT -5
Somewhere someone was getting stoned, or thinking up the plot line for some c grade chick flick movie. Or both. And they got the idea that by making yourself vulnerable and disclosing your inner dark self, you're going to turn a cold dead fish into a porn star. If you can only tap her inner wench?
Seriously? I'm glad I never bothered trying.
But somehow that idea has gone viral. It's good to know that if your spouse won't fuck you with the lights off, in bed, under the covers, with half their clothes on, they aren't going to fuck you in an Orange Grove in a public park, or do a three-some. Or any other dark fantasies that even people here are reluctant to talk about, even under the cloak of anonymity.
I couldn't even get her to wear lingerie. I doubt that adding a third person would have helped...
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 26, 2017 18:12:57 GMT -5
I've given up even having fantasies - they just remind me of what I am missing! Now I think of it though, I used to tell him things I'd like to do to him - but he never said anything back. I guess I gave up. I mean, I don't have any idea w hat he desires or wishes for as he has never said.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 26, 2017 18:19:46 GMT -5
My X was not interested in fantasies. I thought perhaps a little role play might lend some spice to our usual fare so I suggested something pretty safe like her dressing as Marie the maid" and I would be the employer who required her to serve me in more than just a domestic capacity. Nope not interested. I also suggested we meet at a local winery and role play sex on the 1st date. See looked at me sideways. I never bothered to go to tying her spread eagle to the 4 posts on the bed.
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