Is Stepping out on a SM really cheating

If you have been here a bit you will have seen the term "why chasing". That's what you are doing now. Trying to figure out or understand "why" your SO is acting as they are. There are too many reasons or rationales to try and address, and with a few exceptions, even if you knew the reasons it's unlikely it would be of help.

If you do outsource, and you get caught, and your husband tells you he will tell the world you "cheated", then tell him that if he does so, you will tell the world he was never man enough to fuck you for xx years.

It's your job to tell the world why you stepped out of the marriage.  Or to negotiate a strict "don't tell" policy.  See if your husband wants to be known as a eunuch among all his bar buddies.

It's the wrong question to resolve your conflict, but I'll get to that.

Yes, it will be seen as cheating by your celibate partner. You might have both entered the relationship with the idea that marriage includes an enthusiastic sexual union, but since that time, you have implicitly agreed via your choices to "identify" as married in a celibate relationship, and that you accept those terms without consequence to that status beyond a stern disagreement. As such, you have both demonstrated through your actions that you are partners in the terms of the celibate marriage.

If you tell your partner before you take a lover, this will be an open relationship if your partner agrees to it.
Your partner has the same choice in choosing to embrace, tolerate, or leave the open relationship that you have in choosing to embrace, tolerate, or leave the celibate relationship.

If this is posed as a question to your partner, the partner will always choose to not have an open relationship - and you will either have a celibate relationship (following whatever distraction or delay your partner tries), or your partner will end the relationship. It's also likely that your celibate partner will choose to cheat and explore a sexual relationship with another person, without telling you.

If you get a divorce or separate before you take a lover, then you are a single person. This may still hurt your former partner as much as cheating, but you will have clearly communicated your intention in an authentic way.

If you divorce or separate, just as with an open relationship, you can negotiate the terms of your separation to have more or less contact, and the form of that contact. Mrs Apocrypha and I are parents and live in one of the most expensive cities in the world, so we negotiated much more contact and cooperation than most divorces I see in other places.

The question when weighing either an open relationship or a separation is "what does marriage bring to the table?" What does it mean to you to be married, as opposed to an ex-spouse or co-parent? You can lighten the stress, even without sex, by living a life that is more authentic than the lie you are living right now. 

We see examples of this all the time, when people choose to sleep apart, or take off the wedding ring, or take separate vacations, or go out and make independent plans without inviting a spouse. The process of decoupling oddly decreases YOUR stress even if the sex isn't present because you are "coming out" in a more authentic way. In my final year of marriage, I likely wept every single day. And while separating hasn't been easy, like amputating a limb - it's absolutely decreased the intensity of that pain.


 

I'm personally not a fan of the "outsourcing" route. Not so much because I think its wrong but for other reasons.

I think someone living in a SM for a long time is justified in going outside the marriage. BUT, not everyone sees it that way. Those of us living the situation "get it". Those that haven't been in a state of forced celibacy may or may not "get it". Thing is, affairs happen and they happen more often than we probably all realize but regardless of reason, some people have major problems with those that stray. You get marked, so to speak. You get that scarlet letter. Lots of people take that very seriously and see that as a major red flag. There's that whole "once a cheater" mentality out there. That's something I want to avoid. Truth us, I WANT to outsource, i feel justified in doing so, and i have no judgment towards those that choose that option... but I personally don't want to shoot myself in the foot for any future romantic partners. If I find myself close to outsourcing, I will divorce. That's my personal decision on the matter.

Also, if you outsource and get caught, it gives your spouse a lot of ammo. If you have a clean record, I personally think it's best to keep it that way. That way, when you leave, they can't pull out the "affair card" to try to paint it out as your fault the marriage ended. Additionally, an affair that is discovered basically gives them a "get out of sex free" card to play. The last thing I want to do is give my wife more reasons. For me, I plan to be as perfect as possible. If no sex is the result, then so be it, but I will leave. She knows it and I do too.

I had another thought last night .... if you will forgive the sports analogy.

There are certain moves you can make while playing a sport that are illegal during a game, requiring some sort of penalty: such as being offsides in football, traveling in basketball, and a pitcher balking in baseball. However, when training for any of those sports, or playing a pickup game, there are no penalties associated with those moves.

If you suit up and show up for "the game" (meaning jumping though all sorts of hoops to get your spouse to be interested in you sexually) and they won't play with you, perhaps finding another teammate to play with, while technically illegal, is not in the given circumstances. (or not a punishable offense)

Saying "I am the only person you can be intimate with," and then refusing to be intimate with you is cruel. At least in my world.

"Cheating"

Let's widen the perspective a bit to identify the common elements of stress.

A closeted gay person "comes out" to align his presentation with his intention, dropping the energy maintained in the lie.

A person in a sexless or otherwise dysfunctional marriage "comes out" to align his intention with the lived reality. He changes the format of the relationship to something that is more authentic - an ex-spouse, co-parent, co-partner in asset management, friend, enemy.

A single person who is in a relationship with a person who is cheating (who is in a sexless marriage, going on 2 years), also feels tension in maintaining the discretion and not presenting to be "seen" as a couple - to relax into and to inhabit the role comfortably. One is always aware of the limits.

Even the decision to sleep in separate beds is also a relief - choosing to abandon the expectation or hope that tonight is the night and any reminder of what isn't happening. It's choosing truth, or closer to truth and even though no sex is being had, it's a better sleep.

I can say that even having lots of sex from a paramour in an open relationship, while still not having sex in the "primary" married relationship, also feels like a lie and doesn't fix the tension.

Layering inauthenticity on top of inauthenticity adds complexity but does not fix the central problem. I'm not talking about inauthenticity as a moral ethical concept, beholden to someone else's judgment. I'm talking about what it feels like to feel aligned in presentation and intention.