flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by flowerdust on Jan 25, 2017 11:42:58 GMT -5
When your spouse refuses to have sex. You have done all you possibly could to fix it. The shrink is off the table .
Is Stepping out on a SM really cheating
If you live in a SM would that not be considered Roommates
1) Do you tell your partner before you cheat
2) Get a divorce before you cheat
3) Or just go without sex
4) none of the above (WHY)
Looking for any and all thoughts on these questions
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 25, 2017 12:16:07 GMT -5
Long ago I thought I would never cheat. I also condemned people who did cheat. But that has changed. My marriage has been dead for a long time and it was very clearly nothing more than an unhappy way of living in the same house. He didn't feel like a husband to me anymore. After more than 13 years after the last time we had sex and about 10 years of that no touch at all, I started cheating. It was stressful as well as exciting but I didn't feel guilty. I think it is acceptable but not the first choice to start 'outsourcing'. When problems start in a marriage, you can't be quick enough to start looking for solutions. But it is the responsibility of both to solve issues. If it doesn't work after a reasonable time the choice is take the marriage for what it is and accept it or leave. Even if you are not sure about getting a divorce, it is worth it to examine how a divorce could be done and what the consequences could be. If you think you can manage a divorce, I would say it is best to do that before cheating. However there are so many possible circumstances that make it difficult to get a divorce (quickly) and when you think you have to stay for a considerable time, it isn't strange to start with outsourcing. There are a lot of risks but if you are willing to take them, you could get a lot of the benefits too  For me personally it was a great ego boost and it opened my eyes to the world outside my prison like marriage. It gave me confidence to take up the challenge of leaving as well. |
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Post by Dan on Jan 25, 2017 12:18:07 GMT -5
When your spouse refuses to have sex. You have done all you possibly could to fix it. The shrink is off the table .
Is Stepping out on a SM really cheating
If you live in a SM would that not be considered Roommates
1) Do you tell your partner before you cheat
2) Get a divorce before you cheat
3) Or just go without sex
4) none of the above (WHY)
Looking for any and all thoughts on these questions
Option #1 has two variations: 1a) the spouse says "OK" (possibly with agreed-to limits), then that is not "cheating" it is a form of "open marriage". I HAVE known folks in open marriages... but most of these arrangements did not come about from an SM, per se. 1b) they say "no way!"... in which case most still call it cheating. (Though I remember someone on EP firmly believe it was NOT if you were open about it. I guess the logic was this: "If you announce -- even unilaterally -- that you no longer subscribe to marital monogamy, and then act on it, you are being honest. If your spouse doesn't like it, ball in his/her court to accept it, leave you, or announce the same and get some on the side, too".) As for #2... I don't think that is cheating by anyone's definition! If divorced, you are single, and the expectations of marital fidelity are moot! Option #3 is cheating in my book, viewed either way: you are cheating yourself out of a normal, healthy sex life... or your spouse is cheating you out of it. If your #4 includes "get some on the side, secretly", I suspect that is the predominant form of "cheating"... or what many folks on this forum euphemistically call "outsourcing". |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2017 12:32:16 GMT -5
Our spouses use justification for not having sex now you turn around and justify another thing that cheating is ok. Be honest and say just it's 100% cheating and there could be consequences but if you have done everything then the hell with their feeling and consequences. The down side they find out and causes the issue to be addressed. The only real issue is your own feelings and morals on this. What do want and feel comfortable with?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2017 12:34:00 GMT -5
I concur with tamara68. Outsourcing ideally should not be the first choice. I'm enough of a romantic to want to try to work things out with the first guy before going on to a new guy. However - if you DID try this, and got nowhere - I for one think outsourcing is justifiable. Not actually "good," but understandable. Most of the world disagrees with me, and believes that stepping out on your mate is worse than homicide. So - if you do go this route, try to stay as sensible as you can. You may want to go so far as to consult a lawyer, and find out what could happen if your refusing spouse found out about the outsourcing and decided to end the marriage. Even if you don't do that - use discretion! Birth control, condoms, pay with cash rather than credit cards for meals, hotels, etc.; burner phone numbers, web-based email accounts, etc. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2017 12:39:20 GMT -5
You know, this is an interesting question. If you agree that you will only drink water served by one person for the rest of your life, and that person deprives you of water, and you finally find a way to get some water, have you done something wrong?
I know that a lot of refusing cheaters will say that a person will not die from a lack of water. However, a marriage certainly will die from a lack of sex.
My point is that withholding sex is a violation of the marriage vows. When sex has been withheld for a long time, such as a year, there is no marriage anymore.
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Post by lwoetin on Jan 25, 2017 12:52:30 GMT -5
When your spouse refuses to have sex. You have done all you possibly could to fix it. The shrink is off the table .
Is Stepping out on a SM really cheating
If you live in a SM would that not be considered Roommates
1) Do you tell your partner before you cheat
2) Get a divorce before you cheat
3) Or just go without sex
4) none of the above (WHY)
Looking for any and all thoughts on these questions
I consider it cheating. Last year, 1) I told my wife I joined a dating site so she knows I was going to cheat 3) I was not going to go without sex 2) I didn't want a divorce, but I want her to reconsider her position. She responded that we should divorce. The issue became urgent to resolve one way or another, and made us think about what really matters. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 25, 2017 14:26:35 GMT -5
Hmmmm...how to answer. After numerous attempts to reach her via "talks" about how unhappy I was with the lack of affection, and trying I don't know how many variations of doing more or doing it differently, I had the 1st of 3 talks with her about me having a FWB. She agreed to consider it. We had 2 more talks and she eventually stated she couldn't countenance my having sex outside the marriage. But she also stated she wanted to restart intimacy and try to be a more loving and affectionate wife. This was probably the 4th restart. Things went well for about 3 months and then the status quo reasserted itself. That was it for me. The rings came off and I began distancing myself from her. I also met with a couple attorneys and began getting my ducks in a row. 6 months later we were separated and we are now divorced. So I guess it's none of the above since I was separated but not quite divorced when I welcomed another woman into my bed.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 25, 2017 14:34:59 GMT -5
PS.....If you have been in a SM then your spouse has already cheated on you in numerous ways. The marriage union is often referred to as a contract. When one party repeatedly violates the terms of the contract then the contract becomes null and void and the other party(s) are no longer bound by it's terms.
Having said that...introducing another person(s) in the sexual dynamic opens up so many potentials for positive and negative consequences that a very great deal of thought should take place before turning down that road. The first house you pass could be sexual bliss, but last house before the road ends could well be volatile divorce.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 25, 2017 15:05:33 GMT -5
Nope. Life's too short....you just don't realize it until it's too late. What if your wife tells you (and you didn't even ask -- it was said at a time your heart was breaking because you still had hope and love for her) that if you want sex she's okay with you seeing a prostitute.......at that point all bets are off. She thought she could SELECT what kind of woman I could have sex with? She thinks she has THAT MUCH control over me? I didn't want a prostitute, I wanted love and desire and passion and friendship and the effing marriage I bought into with my heart and soul. No matter WHAT I have done since or will do in the future, I have not 'cheated', and I have ZERO guilt. SHE cheated.....cheated me out of a normal marriage, life, and a good chunk of prime years I can never get back.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 25, 2017 15:39:19 GMT -5
If sex was reduced in my marriage to the pitiful levels it did before I asked for change and if that level was sustained for a long enough period, I would look to cheat and I would not consider it cheating at all. If my wife has the right to refrain from having sex almost completely due to it being unimportant to her, I have the right to engage in sex with someone else as it is important to me. The biggest issue here though is that I want sax first and foremost with my wife because I love her so it would fill a void but not completely.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 25, 2017 15:49:18 GMT -5
It is cheating but they broke the vows first. My answer to your poll is none of the above.
I was faithful for 21 SM years.
The last 13 celibate despite the fact that he knew I wanted sex with him.
He watched porn secretly and lord only knows what else secretly.
So my conclusion was if he did not want to include me in his sexuality then he has no right to knowing about mine when I outsourced.
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Post by baza on Jan 25, 2017 16:08:45 GMT -5
"Is Stepping out on a SM really cheating"
Sure it is.
But so what ?
It is a perfectly valid choice.
Every bit as valid as choosing celibacy.
One spouse may choose celibacy.
In light of that, the other spouse may choose cheating.
In light of that, spouse #1 might then choose divorce (another perfectly valid choice)
If you are looking for affirmation that cheating is "morally right" then I bale out, because this is NOT a moral question. It is not a question of "right"/"wrong".
It's a choice. Nothing more, nothing less.
One can question the advisability of the cheating choice, on the basis that it adds a further layer of complexity on to an already complex and dysfunctional situation, and that will not help in resolving the core problem.
But, if you are up for the consequences that ensue from this choice, knock yourself out. It's a perfectly valid choice.
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Post by LITW on Jan 25, 2017 16:23:29 GMT -5
When I was in counseling after my first marriage, my counselor told me that when you marry someone then you have implicitly agreed to be sexually available to them. If your spouse is withholding sex from you, for whatever reason they may THINK justifies it, they have failed to remain faithful to you.
Whether or not that gives you a license to outsource depends on the couple, but I like BBgirl's conclusion.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 25, 2017 17:06:58 GMT -5
It is cheating but they broke the vows first. My answer to your poll is none of the above. I was faithful for 21 SM years. The last 13 celibate despite the fact that he knew I wanted sex with him. He watched porn secretly and lord only knows what else secretly. So my conclusion was if he did not want to include me in his sexuality then he has no right to knowing about mine when I outsourced. That's bloody right. Go sista! X |
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