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Post by Carol on Jan 23, 2017 10:14:56 GMT -5
A question for all of you, especially the men. Even though we haven't had sex in a very long time, my H is still pretty affectionate with me. He always wants to kiss and hug me, he's into PDA and tells me all the time that he loves me. He gets very hurt if I don't say it back. All that affection but any time I think he might be interested in going farther, he stops. The last time we even attempted sex he could not get an erection. I'm at the point now where if he would try, I wouldn't want to have sex him. I love him as a friend at this point. Physically, I'm not attracted to him anymore. Have I become the "refuser"? Am I the one with the problem? Thoughts?
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Jan 23, 2017 10:28:05 GMT -5
This seems a typical (on this iliasm forum and it's predecessor EP forum) case of refused turns refuser.
Depending on what stage of disengagement people are at it seems to happen to us all.
So I suppose, don't worry about it. It's normal. (In a Sexless Marriage)
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 23, 2017 10:36:29 GMT -5
You are a counter refuser. It's normal. After years of rejection it's inevitable.
You kick the dog in the head so many times eventually the dog won't come back. I was kicked in the head for twenty plus years. Very sad.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2017 10:48:00 GMT -5
So now you are giving him what he wants your the problem. He wants a wife who does not want sex. He's won.
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Post by lyn on Jan 23, 2017 10:53:06 GMT -5
Carol Just really echoing what the others are saying. At some point, it's only natural for your self-preservation to kick in. I mean, you can only be rejected for so long right? At some point, the little hugs and pecks just get annoying (at least they do to me) - When HE starts noticing the pseudo affection isn't managing to placate you - things could get interesting. It will probably confuse the hell out of him.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 23, 2017 10:53:40 GMT -5
A question for all of you, especially the men. Even though we haven't had sex in a very long time, my H is still pretty affectionate with me. He always wants to kiss and hug me, he's into PDA and tells me all the time that he loves me. He gets very hurt if I don't say it back. All that affection but any time I think he might be interested in going farther, he stops. The last time we even attempted sex he could not get an erection. I'm at the point now where if he would try, I wouldn't want to have sex him. I love him as a friend at this point. Physically, I'm not attracted to him anymore. Have I become the "refuser"? Am I the one with the problem? Thoughts? I apologize if i missed this from a previous post, but is he a refuser in the sense that he neither wants nor needs sex? From what you describe, it sounds like he has some psychological hang ups that make sexual expression with you difficult and potentially stressful. Maybe there is work that could be done? Communication maybe? The otherwise affectionate nature (and actions) seem pretty different to me than my experience or many of those i have seen described. |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 23, 2017 11:51:13 GMT -5
Carol , if you spend some time reading the AVEN forum you will find many people just like your husband. While some don't like affection, many do, just like your husband. They all have three things in common: 1. They do not like partnered sex and/or even messing with genitalia. 2. More importantly for you, none of them claim that their partner is at fault, or that a different partner might make them more sexual. They just talk about how they don't want to have sex. Yet somehow many of them managed to have enough sex in the beginning of the relationship to be in the mess they are in, trying to deal with a partner that "demands" sex. 3. None of them think their lack of sexual desire and/or attraction is fixable, or a "problem" that needs fixing. Which makes anything remotely related to "sex therapy" not very viable if they don't think they're broken or want to change. No one can tell you what is in your husband's mind, except your husband, who apparently is not being honest about his feelings. But it is a fact that you can eavesdrop on a whole room full of people that at least appear to be just like your husband, and their partners have nothing at all to do with their problem. You can even ask them questions although I doubt any of them can peer into your husband's head either.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 23, 2017 11:55:39 GMT -5
A question for all of you, especially the men. Even though we haven't had sex in a very long time, my H is still pretty affectionate with me. He always wants to kiss and hug me, he's into PDA and tells me all the time that he loves me. He gets very hurt if I don't say it back. All that affection but any time I think he might be interested in going farther, he stops. The last time we even attempted sex he could not get an erection. I'm at the point now where if he would try, I wouldn't want to have sex him. I love him as a friend at this point. Physically, I'm not attracted to him anymore. Have I become the "refuser"? Am I the one with the problem? Thoughts? At some point when there has been enough rejection to deal with it's inevitable to shut down and stop putting yourself in harms way. Refusing under such circumstances is perfectly reasonable and probably the only thing that will change it is if you divorce or you both agree on the pathway ahead. |
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Post by Carol on Jan 23, 2017 12:02:50 GMT -5
We've talked about it between ourselves and with a counselor. He said anytime I'm ready, he's ready. Which I know now is an outright lie. I'm starting to believe he's asexual. He told out counselor that he'll just masturbate when he needs a release. I know he's a very insecure man. He comes to me looking for praise and approval. I can barely handle my own issues and then he throws all of his on me too. I'm drowning from the weight on my shoulders. I've read that if you're married and you find yourself with a crush on another person, you should tell your partner about it and have a good laugh about it. I mentioned to him once that I have a crush on one of my doctors ( I still do) He was furious. He wanted me to leave his practice immediately. Eventually I did, not because of him but because it hurt like hell every time I saw the doctor . I knew there was no chance with him as he is married also so for my own sanity, I went to another doctor. When I told my H that I was going to see a new doctor, he said that he had "won". It made me so angry.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 23, 2017 12:05:58 GMT -5
Your second question, I agree with the others that "counter-refusing" appears to be expected behavior and I've seen little evidence that anyone here has escaped it. In fact, it seems to me that most people never find this site until they are at least perilously close to counter-refusing and most are solidly there. Including me. In my case I felt like I would fuck anyone except her. And the fact that I wanted to have sex, and she was the only viable partner, but I really no longer had innate desire for her, fucked with my head for over a decade, and maybe two.
Aside from it being a defense mechanism, previously mentioned, the way I look at it: She spent years (3 decades!) training me not to want her. She succeeded magnificently. I can't imagine the time and effort needed to undo that training, but I would guess it would take an equal amount of time and effort. And that effort would have to come from her, the trainer, not me, the trainee. Never would have happened.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 23, 2017 12:12:18 GMT -5
He said anytime I'm ready, he's ready. Which I know now is an outright lie. There is another member here whose husband is gaslighting that same exact lie. And it is gaslighting. The fact that he "won" the fight over the doctor proves that to him, this is a contest to avoid the fact that he will not or can not satisfy your basic human and biological needs. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2017 12:16:03 GMT -5
Just to try and answer your question, are you the one with the problem?
Having an erection has never been a problem. The only problem is the embarrassment of it, and or the longevity of it. Even as my W. aged, gained weight, her body changed, and became less atractive, (sorry if that insults anyone) all it takes is the slightest touch, a sensual kiss, heavy petting, stimulating conversation, rubbing, and visual, to give me an instant erection. Just typing those words, and thinking about the past does it!
I think it's only fair to think that most men, including myself, if that stopped happening, if it took much longer, if the erection went away as soon as it started, and I knew a doctor could help me? I would be visiting that doctor. (side note: that is if I'm having sex on a regular basis, not this once a year mess)
I'll leave the rest up to others to discuss all of his problems.
Wouldn't it be great if you knew another man well enough that you could trust to say, "I am going to kiss you, I want you to rub my breasts, and I am going to rub your crotch, tell me if you get an erection". Of course he wold, you would have your self esteem back, and you don't have to have an affair. Just dreaming out loud.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 23, 2017 12:18:11 GMT -5
One more important thought... as a man I cannot imagine being attracted to a woman in the sense of wanting affection, and even PDA (which I was never totally comfortable with) but NOT wanting to have sex with her. To me, they go hand in hand. I know women I am not attracted to sexually, but nor would I possibly want to cuddle and kiss and etc. That's just an anecdotal sample of one, but that's me and you wanted opinions from men. Oh, and by the time I was deep into counter-refusing, I didn't really want any affection either, even though I've been starved for affection for so many decades.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2017 12:38:36 GMT -5
Is it possible that he is a porn addict? Filling his head with years of 18 yr. old girls and hours of viewing tens of thousands of them, a porn addict needs more and more just to get stimulated. Like one beer has no affect on an alcoholic.
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Post by Carol on Jan 23, 2017 15:19:52 GMT -5
It's possible that he is addicted to porn and/or asexual. I really just don't know. He's never really given me an answer. Any time I bring up the issue all I get is "I'll try harder", "I'll make more of an effort" or his to go answer "This was how I was raised....." A lot of the same bullshit. Look I will fully admit that I've had my own issues, I've gained weight, am not as active as I used to be and don't get all dressed up when we are staying home. When I do go out, I go all out. I'm the woman that men hate because they take too damn long to get ready! Everything has to be perfect in my eyes.I don't do it for him, I do it for myself. It makes me feel good. But even when I do I get a "you look nice". Not a sexy, hot, you turn me on anywhere in sight. I know a lot of women who would say they don't even get a "you look nice". So that's why I'm starting to look at myself as the problem. Does that make sense to anyone?
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