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Post by bballgirl on Apr 13, 2017 7:52:34 GMT -5
Geez just awful but you are right about following court orders.
If nothing else for others to learn if they are dealing with a controller then take 50% from the start with all accounts because you are entitled to that before you file.
I hope this all comes to an end for you very soon.
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Post by csl on Apr 13, 2017 21:23:56 GMT -5
Oops. Totally wrong, and since I am using my iPad, couldn't delete this.
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 13, 2017 21:32:19 GMT -5
More examples of living with a controller. My W. is in the kitchen eating, she says to our daughter, "good morning", my daughter says"I've been up for a while". The W. says "I haven't seen you?". My daughter says " I've been all around the house". My w. then says" oh it's not morning anymore, good afternoon". Am I the only one who sees the denial, the arguing, the reversal, in all this? My daughter is saying to her, in her own way, "I've been up and doing things all day and your still in your pajamas, someone brought you lunch from Mcdonalds, and you've been in one spot, on your computer!" My W. says to my son, "you owe me $20." he says, You still owe me $15. and it was even more than that". She says, "I don't remember that, or it being any different". He says, "of course you don't you remember what you want to". She has nothing to say. One of my boys finally brings a friend over to the house.My son tells my W. "there's nothing to drink here, when are you going to the store? She says, "there's water, you can make some tea." While she sits at the kitchen table, with a drink in her hand from McDonald. It's coming down to some crazy days lately ,of her refusing to buy groceries, when 100% of the household expenses are her responsibility. It's taking my lawyer talking to hers, to tell her of all the violations she's breaking. The kids know it, and see it all. She is going to end up one lonely, bitter and twisted 'lady' |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 13, 2017 21:36:36 GMT -5
More examples of living with a controller. My W. is in the kitchen eating, she says to our daughter, "good morning", my daughter says"I've been up for a while". The W. says "I haven't seen you?". My daughter says " I've been all around the house". My w. then says" oh it's not morning anymore, good afternoon". Am I the only one who sees the denial, the arguing, the reversal, in all this? My daughter is saying to her, in her own way, "I've been up and doing things all day and your still in your pajamas, someone brought you lunch from Mcdonalds, and you've been in one spot, on your computer!" My W. says to my son, "you owe me $20." he says, You still owe me $15. and it was even more than that". She says, "I don't remember that, or it being any different". He says, "of course you don't you remember what you want to". She has nothing to say. One of my boys finally brings a friend over to the house.My son tells my W. "there's nothing to drink here, when are you going to the store? She says, "there's water, you can make some tea." While she sits at the kitchen table, with a drink in her hand from McDonald. It's coming down to some crazy days lately ,of her refusing to buy groceries, when 100% of the household expenses are her responsibility. It's taking my lawyer talking to hers, to tell her of all the violations she's breaking. The kids know it, and see it all. Lot of learned dysfunction here. The first incident, unless there was snark in your wife's "good morning" that you didn't convey, would it have killed your daughter to answer, "hi"? yeah, your wife is a total bellend, but help your kid to not be dragged into being bellends like her. Yes, you are right about answering her mom respectively and properly. And, as you suspected , there was snark in her tone. Like "it's lunch time, where have you been all day?" It would never occur to her that the kids avoid her, and only come to her when they need things, or just enough to keep the peace. One of my older ones let me in on that little secret. I truly, greatly appreciate your concern. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 14, 2017 8:30:02 GMT -5
More examples of living with a controller. My W. is in the kitchen eating, she says to our daughter, "good morning", my daughter says"I've been up for a while". The W. says "I haven't seen you?". My daughter says " I've been all around the house". My w. then says" oh it's not morning anymore, good afternoon". Am I the only one who sees the denial, the arguing, the reversal, in all this? My daughter is saying to her, in her own way, "I've been up and doing things all day and your still in your pajamas, someone brought you lunch from Mcdonalds, and you've been in one spot, on your computer!" My W. says to my son, "you owe me $20." he says, You still owe me $15. and it was even more than that". She says, "I don't remember that, or it being any different". He says, "of course you don't you remember what you want to". She has nothing to say. One of my boys finally brings a friend over to the house.My son tells my W. "there's nothing to drink here, when are you going to the store? She says, "there's water, you can make some tea." While she sits at the kitchen table, with a drink in her hand from McDonald. It's coming down to some crazy days lately ,of her refusing to buy groceries, when 100% of the household expenses are her responsibility. It's taking my lawyer talking to hers, to tell her of all the violations she's breaking. The kids know it, and see it all. She is going to end up one lonely, bitter and twisted 'lady' Maybe not? I say that because I look at her mother. Another narc. Her H was a "yes dear", their entire marriage. He's one of the nicest men on the planet. A true giver. When he left her 10yrs. ago much of the family wrote her off too. For decades she had every ailment known to man. Many of us questioned the truth of it all. Sure enough, once there was no one else to control and manipulate, guess who started feeling much better? Yup amazing how many of her "ailments" went away. No more neck brace, walker, tons of extra padding and blankets on the bed, over medicating herself, and she can drive herself too! |
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Post by WindSister on Apr 14, 2017 12:56:10 GMT -5
greatcoastal Wow -- that is very telling, isn't it? She didn't have an enabler anymore.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 1, 2017 21:13:38 GMT -5
greatcoastal Wow -- that is very telling, isn't it? She didn't have an enabler anymore. Yes it is isn't it. Once she had to fend for herself. However as time has passed, my MIL has managed to continue with her constant hounding, inviting, card sending, and manipulation that the family should visit her, or they should all get together for events. Once one relative caved, it's been like a domino effect. I no longer attend. I am pretty sure my STBX doesn't want her relatives to hear or see my side of things. For now it's easier that way. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 9, 2017 10:30:44 GMT -5
Today was a fine example of "dealing with a controller".
My W and I had a teacher conference this morning for our daughter with special needs.
Our daughter strugles with asking for extra help, the teachers informed us that they are all available every day early before school to help our daughter one on one, and to ask for more help during class time.
My W. turns to me and says " I can't do that, you will have to bring her in early, I have to go to work".
Sigh...There are so many lies, manipulation and double standards in that one little sentence! ( I won't get into them all) I'm sure she would have a very different story for the judge when she testifies how available and capable of a parent she is!
Instead I turned and said to her, "you can bring her in too". She quickly had a come back- don't they always- " I have to go to work your not working, you have plenty of time". (another DARVO)
I then proceeded to tell her, " you want to be the parent, you want to be responsible, you can easily take her in on your way to work, you drive right by here. Please don't start with that, not here not now, you are quite capable!"
I never said " I wasn't available" She said that about herself. In fact I hope I could be available ,whatever my new job will be to see my daughters in the mornings and take them to school!
I received a HHMMMPH smirk! The teacher in the room asked " any more questions? we are finished, nice meeting both of you. My wife left the building got in her car and took off. Zero communication, again. it's very typical when she's proven wrong. Saying nothing is SAYING SOMETHING! Her way of dodging the level playing field.
It probably ticked her off that I actually spoke up for myself through out the entire meeting. That I had example after example of my daughters struggles with different subjects as I help her with her school work. I also noticed how many of the papers that needed one parent signature went only to my W. (she was sitting closer) I asked politely " Do I get to sign that too?" They said " absolutely! The reason was it only requires one signature, but you are welcome to sign it right next to hers". You can bet I signed it. Just getting ready for future parent teacher meetings.
The speaking out of both sides of her mouth is mind boggling! One minute she wants me to just pack a suit case and leave, so she can have full control. Then the moment responsibilities come up, "like taking kids to school early" She suddenly is not capable.
my attorney jumped all over that during our deposition hearing. When my W tried to paint me as incompetent towards teaching my daughter, the attorney said, " then you spend more time with her, or hire a tutor?" She hated that. Suddenly, that wasn't necessary and I was quite capable when it came back to money.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 9, 2017 15:18:13 GMT -5
“My W. is in the kitchen eating, she says to our daughter, "good morning", my daughter says"I've been up for a while". The W. says "I haven't seen you?". My daughter says " I've been all around the house". My w. then says" oh it's not morning anymore, good afternoon".
Sounds to me like you are resentful toward your wife and it doesn’t take much for you to find something wrong with her actions. I empathize with your resentful ness. Btdt when I was still living with my refuser. Everything he did, his very presence and breathing snapped my nerves.
“
Our daughter strugles with asking for extra help, the teachers informed us that they are all available every day early before school to help our daughter one on one, and to ask for more help during class time.
My W. turns to me and says " I can't do that, you will have to bring her in early, I have to go to work".”
Seems reasonable that the sahm parent handles this. Still, I have empathy for you as as was the case with me, you probably are getting no appreciation for what you do at home and the sacrifices you make to help your kids. I recognize you are ticked at your wife, and I empathize with you.
you probably adjust your schedule in many ways for your family and get no recognition or appreciation. Meanwhile, your wife won’t even slightly inconvenience herself.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 9, 2017 15:31:05 GMT -5
“My W. is in the kitchen eating, she says to our daughter, "good morning", my daughter says"I've been up for a while". The W. says "I haven't seen you?". My daughter says " I've been all around the house". My w. then says" oh it's not morning anymore, good afternoon". Sounds to me like you are resentful toward your wife and it doesn’t take much for you to find something wrong with her actions. I empathize with your resentful ness. Btdt when I was still living with my refuser. Everything he did, his very presence and breathing snapped my nerves. True, i don't deny i feel that way. "resentful". I literally look the other way in her presence. Much the way I was treated for years. I feel justified, due to all the years of being far to passive, and rarely aggressive. So many things-big and small- that the family just ,lets go...because she is MOM. (Golden Uterus Syndrome). I don't like seeing my kids raised that way. Being raised with the experience of not being allowed to say "no", fairly present your side, and have an opinion. Being taught by example that when your wrong you just say "whatever" and disrespect the other person. My challenge will be to find a balance as I move forward. Standing up for myself,while not being all about myself. (even now the "standing up" part seems foreign. I also thought it was a good example of how my W. -a manipulative controller- can not be wrong about anything, no matter how small. . ( I mean something as simple as I've been all around the house" well my W tells her, " well I haven't seen you" so, my W's been in one place. The one place my daughter has not been. Does that mean that my daughter has not been up and all around the house? That example seems pretty easy to understand. Doesn't it?) Saying, "my bad, you are right, I was wrong, I didn't know" seems terrifying to her. Submitting for a moment, giving up control really bothers her. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 17, 2018 19:58:54 GMT -5
Today I was in the other room and I witnessed my soon to be 18 year old son, get a full dose of manipulative control from his mom.
Son- Mom did you buy these?
Mom-yes.
Son- This bag takes an hour to cook, I don't even like the taste, and it's hardly enough.
Mom- You need to eat more healthy food. (notice the total reversal and the denying anything he said as having any meaning or relevance)
Son -I don't care! I don't care at all about that. I need something that I can fix in minutes before I go to work and school. (he's all of 100lbs. and 6' tall- he doesn't need a lot of "healthy food" his metabolism burns up everything!)
Mom- That other stuff is all processed food. It's not healthy.
Mom- It's too expensive. just one of those processed meals cost $5.00 (this from a woman who comes home with a Mcdonalds cup and bag in her hand everyday, and spends $1400.00 eating out per month on herself!)
Son- Those packages have two servings in them.
Mom- SOMEONE keeps eating the whole thing. (yea!! It's called growing teenage boys!! GET REAL!!)
So that was it. My son lost, was not heard, gained nothing, had everything he said dismissed , rejected, and manipulated. While my W. sat in her chair and refuses to change anything. And everything remains the same. Except that she later tells my son to go run errands for her and pick up things for her 85 yr. old daddy, with the car she bought for my son to further manipulate him.
I so want it to be over, and free.
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Post by hopingforachange on Feb 17, 2018 20:44:39 GMT -5
Today I was in the other room and I witnessed my soon to be 18 year old son, get a full dose of manipulative control from his mom. Son- Mom did you buy these? Mom-yes. Son- This bag takes an hour to cook, I don't even like the taste, and it's hardly enough. Mom- You need to eat more healthy food. (notice the total reversal and the denying anything he said as having any meaning or relevance) Son -I don't care! I don't care at all about that. I need something that I can fix in minutes before I go to work and school. (he's all of 100lbs. and 6' tall- he doesn't need a lot of "healthy food" his metabolism burns up everything!) Mom- That other stuff is all processed food. It's not healthy. Mom- It's too expensive. just one of those processed meals cost $5.00 (this from a woman who comes home with a Mcdonalds cup and bag in her hand everyday, and spends $1400.00 eating out per month on herself!) Son- Those packages have two servings in them. Mom- SOMEONE keeps eating the whole thing. (yea!! It's called growing teenage boys!! GET REAL!!) So that was it. My son lost, was not heard, gained nothing, had everything he said dismissed , rejected, and manipulated. While my W. sat in her chair and refuses to change anything. And everything remains the same. Except that she later tells my son to go run errands for her and pick up things for her 85 yr. old daddy, with the car she bought for my son to further manipulate him. I so want it to be over, and free. He's an active teenager, he could eat straight lard and still be underweight. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 17, 2018 23:12:46 GMT -5
Today I was in the other room and I witnessed my soon to be 18 year old son, get a full dose of manipulative control from his mom. Son- Mom did you buy these? Mom-yes. Son- This bag takes an hour to cook, I don't even like the taste, and it's hardly enough. Mom- You need to eat more healthy food. (notice the total reversal and the denying anything he said as having any meaning or relevance) Son -I don't care! I don't care at all about that. I need something that I can fix in minutes before I go to work and school. (he's all of 100lbs. and 6' tall- he doesn't need a lot of "healthy food" his metabolism burns up everything!) Mom- That other stuff is all processed food. It's not healthy. Mom- It's too expensive. just one of those processed meals cost $5.00 (this from a woman who comes home with a Mcdonalds cup and bag in her hand everyday, and spends $1400.00 eating out per month on herself!) Son- Those packages have two servings in them. Mom- SOMEONE keeps eating the whole thing. (yea!! It's called growing teenage boys!! GET REAL!!) So that was it. My son lost, was not heard, gained nothing, had everything he said dismissed , rejected, and manipulated. While my W. sat in her chair and refuses to change anything. And everything remains the same. Except that she later tells my son to go run errands for her and pick up things for her 85 yr. old daddy, with the car she bought for my son to further manipulate him. I so want it to be over, and free. He's an active teenager, he could eat straight lard and still be underweight. He's had to swallow enough of his mothers B.S. these past few years!! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 21, 2018 9:47:51 GMT -5
Hello everyone, Greetings from Florida! Happy summer!
As I look back on my posts in the above thread, I read all the times I said " I can't wait to get out of there" well it's happened, and I am so grateful to be able to offer myself, and my children an alternative. My house, my rules.
Last night my daughter was telling me about an argument she had with her mother about cleaning a container that was too messy to just put in the dishwasher. The sink was already full from other people's laziness to clean things and put them away. ( I mean hey, you can just let it pile up and someone else will have to clean it) but this container was just put in the sink by my ex. She then lazily, and very controlling, calls my daughter and tells her " It's your responsibility to do the dishes".
Daughter, "It's your responsibility to clean it, you just made the mess, It's your bowl".
Mom- " well I'm asking you to clean it this one time".
Daughter -" If I was in your position would you do it for me?"
Mom- "where not in that situation"
Daughter- " If I was in this situation would you clean my bowl for me?"
Mom- "no I wouldn't"
Mom- " well I'm your mother you have to do it"
Daughter- "no I don't have to do it just because your my mother.Weren't you the one that told me "It's okay to say no?". I'm not doing this."
And my daughter walked off to her room.
My daughter came back out of her room and she saw her mother cleaning up her own very sticky messy bowl by herself.
Life with the controller. I'm not seeing anything like that going on at my house.
I think about all the time and effort that went into that argument, and who really gained anything from it?. Or with all the arguing over "who is on the pedestal" that could have avoided by being responsible for cleaning up your own mess, like an adult.
I think about how difficult it is for my ex to admit that she was wrong. What an opportunity to show that you are willing to sacrifice, even a little, and give to others.
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