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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 22, 2017 16:25:45 GMT -5
Today my daughter was using the pineapple cutter, for the first time. I came into the kirchen to learn how to use it myself. I purchased it,months ago, someone else threw the box away, so I've never seen the directions, and have never seen one before. So I asked, "how do you use that?" My w. answers, "you just put it in and turn it." I said, "that's all? you don't cut anything first?" My w. said, "I cut the top and the bottom". My daughter said, "I cant get it to turn." My other daughter said, maybe it's too ripe?" My W. says,"get your brother to do it, he's done it before". (he's never done it or seen one before)...While she stands a few feet away, and does nothing.
My son came, twisted it all the way down and yanked it out. Then came the question, "how do you get it off the cutter, do you push the button or anything? "My W. said " NO, just take it off from there". It wasn't working. My W. then said, "you have to push the button first, to release the bottom then take it off."
I then looked at my daughter and said, "YES, you do have to push the button first, even though your mother just told you NO, not to do that." My W. just looked down, with a angry smirk, and remained in total silence.
Did my W. have a chance to apologize? Could she have said, "I shouldn't have said , no, sorry about that?" Could she have shown all of us how to use it, and answered any questions about it? How rare is it to hear her say," I don't know, I am not sure?" Could the whole event been a lot more happy? Could my W. have set the tone a whole lot more different from the beginning?
Does my W. stay in control up until, and even after the moment someone criticizes her, or even politely tells her she's wrong? Yes. How does she do that? By saying nothing. ( you will also hear the words," whatever") Saying nothing IS SAYING SOMETHING. It's saying, I will not admit I was wrong, even the least bit. I will make it look like you are the one causing a problem. By not communicating I send a clear message to everyone, that I do not admit to being wrong and will remain that way on most every issue. So you are better off to accept it, give in to it, and deal with it.
The more I witness this, and am aware of it, I question my own behavior. Do I do that? Will I notice it when I do? will I go out of my way to correct it?
I do know that I am one of the first to say, "I am sorry, you were right, I'll try to do better."
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Post by wewbwb on Jan 22, 2017 17:28:57 GMT -5
Is it possible that a simple google search could have avoided this whole issue?
Just asking.
The way to combat this type of controlling behavior is by being self sufficient.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 22, 2017 17:40:59 GMT -5
Is it possible that a simple google search could have avoided this whole issue? Just asking. The way to combat this type of controlling behavior is by being self sufficient. I had that same thought, especially as I typed it out! Then I thought, "Such simple questions to my W., friendly questions, a simple offer to show a need for something, even a trivial something. But look at the selfish response from her. No one said, "do it for me", instead it was," please show me how, so I can do it myself." In some ways I wanted to say to my W. "I guess you're not needed, we'll just google everything." |
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Post by baza on Jan 22, 2017 17:45:18 GMT -5
Refusers have a happy knack of being able to turn a normal discourse, about a normal event, in to an angst ridden exchange that has you wishing you had never started the discourse.
And it is no accident that this happens.
Brother wewbwb has it covered I reckon.
The best response is to be self sufficient as far as a refuser goes. Rely on a refuser for NOTHING.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 22, 2017 19:10:31 GMT -5
Rely on a refuser/controller for nothing. (That is more and more my take. Hence the divorce) But that still leaves the teens with years to go, being raised by the controller. How they handle it, how much of it rubs off on them, how passive they become, and the conflicting influences that will occur in the divorce relationship.
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Post by baza on Jan 22, 2017 19:33:09 GMT -5
I would suspect Brother GreatCoastal, that your kids (if I've got the age groups about right) are going to already have sustained damage as a result of their environment.
From what you have said in other posts it seems that a couple of your kids are carrying a pretty entitled attitude, as modelled by their mother.
The teen ones are transitioning in to adulthood in any event - and tend to take very little notice of what parents say anyway (except the bits they like)
The adult ones will be (at their own pace) forming their opinions about their childhood experiences and will ultimately make up their own mind.
This IS going to challenge your kids. No doubt about that at all.
Some (often the least likely one) will step up.
Some might need a bit of guidance and support.
Some might need a LOT of guidance and support.
This bit, the exiting bit, gives you real good real time feedback on what sort of a job you have done as a parent up to now.
If you have done a half reasonable job, there is probably not too much to fear in this aspect of the overall picture. You'll have prepared them to some degree with the fact that in life, shit happens, and you've got to deal with it.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 22, 2017 23:14:24 GMT -5
Is it possible that a simple google search could have avoided this whole issue? Just asking. The way to combat this type of controlling behavior is by being self sufficient. I disagree on the tactic to become self sufficient. The human species needs interaction & connection. If you become so self sufficient that you won't ask for any help from anyone - you increase your odds of becoming a bitter hermit. Just my take on this. I was an isolationist. Now, after getting sober, I want to connect with other humans. It is a HUGE change but I find it really beneficial. It adds to my joy. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 22, 2017 23:23:30 GMT -5
Is it possible that a simple google search could have avoided this whole issue? Just asking. The way to combat this type of controlling behavior is by being self sufficient. I disagree on the tactic to become self sufficient. The human species needs interaction & connection. If you become so self sufficient that you won't ask for any help from anyone - you increase your odds of becoming a bitter hermit. Just my take on this. I was an isolationist. Now, after getting sober, I want to connect with other humans. It is a HUGE change but I find it really beneficial. It adds to my joy. Like so many things, their needs to be that balance. We where still interacting as a family. Just an example of communication with a controller about a simple task, and request. It's also part of this stage of, limbo, and wanting it to end. The boredom, and noticing faults. (it's like a red flag syndrome) I bet my teens are on the lookout for it as well. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 23, 2017 7:52:59 GMT -5
You need to get rid of a controller. So getting self sufficient is good. But with a normal spouse with whom you want to live together, it must be possible to work things out together.
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Post by lyn on Jan 23, 2017 11:24:16 GMT -5
I could definitely see the wisdom in self-sufficiency where the manipulative spouse is concerned. Just watch one of them, in their natural habitat, get all ruffled when you do everything on your own with zero assistance from their self assessed omnipotence.
Here's hoping this doesn't drag out any longer than it needs to, for all of your sakes!
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Post by lyn on Jan 23, 2017 11:25:55 GMT -5
Great, now I want some pineapple 😉
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2017 11:37:12 GMT -5
Great, now I want some pineapple 😉 It does come pre-sliced in a can! |
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Post by lyn on Jan 23, 2017 11:43:31 GMT -5
haha greatcoastal - it's so not the same...... you now that! |
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Post by solodriver on Jan 26, 2017 3:29:11 GMT -5
haha greatcoastal - it's so not the same...... you now that! Just don't ask his wife how to use the machine, lol!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 27, 2017 8:22:12 GMT -5
I could definitely see the wisdom in self-sufficiency where the manipulative spouse is concerned. Just watch one of them, in their natural habitat, get all ruffled when you do everything on your own with zero assistance from their self assessed omnipotence. Here's hoping this doesn't drag out any longer than it needs to, for all of your sakes! Just reading back and giving this more thought. The self sufficiency plays right into a controlling refusers hands. Just thinking of all the chores and responsibilities that I am "self- efficient" at, that benefit the whole family. How many of them will become her responsibility when we live in separate homes? How many will she try to get the teens to do for her by paying them, instead of teaching them through example that these are your responsibilities as an adult? Then comes how much she wants me to be self efficient so there will be zero interaction with her. Just watching her life of going to work coming home and playing video games. Avoiding all interaction with her spouse, the marriage. Of course !, because that entails intimacy, sex, touching, emotions, compassion, sharing, complimenting, communicating, trust, and being vulnerable. NOT being self efficient. A need you can't fill on google. PS I don't think she ever read the instructions on how to use the pineapple slicer. She had every opportunity to say, "I don't know either, I haven't used it ". Like a controller they don't like saying, I don't know, or I was wrong". And yes, I later googled it. You do press the button, release the handle and the cut pineapple rings slide right off. |
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