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Post by Carol on Jan 20, 2017 0:14:20 GMT -5
For all of you that are divorced or a the process of getting one, was there a moment that you just knew it was the right thing to do? I'm struggling with what I should do. I'm so afraid.
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Post by baza on Jan 20, 2017 0:42:57 GMT -5
Usually, there is a point where intellectually you know the logical thing to do is wind up the marriage as it is irrecoverable.
This is all very well - intellectually - but if you actually are involved personally, then a whole raft of issues are going to stop you making the call.
These are emotional issues - or perhaps baggage you have been carrying for ages that you have not sorted out.
You may be hopelessly co-dependant (as an obvious example)
Perhaps you are still invested in the marriage / spouse because of traumatic bonding.
One thing can be said for certain - a dysfunctional marriage fucks your head, gets you thinking weird shit, gets you making uninformed choices that feed back in to the loop. If you are in an ILIASM shithole, your thinking is badly skewed. That is a fact. It comes with the territory. No-one is immune.
Suggestion, if you get in to personal counselling to sort your own shit out, you will, in time, see your situation for what it is.
And, that calling time on the deal will be "relatively" easier.
That is to say, it will be very very difficult to make the call rather than practically impossible.
Chances are Sister Carol, is that RIGHT NOW you know what the logical thing to do is.
If you can sort your own shit out (as far as what is emotionally holding you back) then, and only then, you'll be able to make that horrendously difficult choice.
Feeling for you. This is a rotten stage of the process.
PS
if you can swing it, some zipcode therapy can be invaluable. This is where you get away from the ILIASM shithole environment for a period (as long as possible and preferably permanently) to clear your head and start thinking clearly.
Meantime, you can see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you, and you can start putting an exit strategy together.
Then, when your emotional thinking catches up with your intellectual thinking and you are ready to go, you'll be pre-prepared.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jan 20, 2017 0:49:56 GMT -5
I've been waffling about this for literally months myself, so I feel your pain. For me, it wasn't any one thing, but a lot of little things that built up and built up, until finally there was just one more "brick in the wall," so to speak, that's let me know that I can't keep doing this.
Here's mine:
Two days ago, I had a minor anxiety attack when I thought about having to go home from work and see her that night. I talked to my therapist a bit about it, and I know we'll be addressing it at length tomorrow.
Yesterday I came home after work, changed, took the dogs for a long run, fed them, and went back to work to finish up a project that had a deadline of today. Stayed later than necessary because I knew I didn't want to go home. When I finally got home a little after 11:30, the dogs were still in their crates, just like I'd left them four hours earlier. She was sprawled out asleep in the middle of the bed, lights and TV on, dinner dishes on the bed beside her. I suspected then.
The next morning, she said something to the effect of, "the dogs were being so good when I got home, I just left them where they were."
I knew then.
Tomorrow morning I'm telling my therapist that we need to figure out exactly how I'm going to tell her, and it's happening Saturday, after she gets home from work, and I get home from taking an exam for work. I'm done.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 20, 2017 1:25:55 GMT -5
Proud of you cagedtiger. This hasn't been easy for you. Xxx |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 20, 2017 2:28:17 GMT -5
cagedtiger , I'm going to give you some general advice. My father was a man that I deeply respected. Good businessman. I tried to emulate him but in many ways I failed. He was really big on: when you have a difficult decision to make, you weigh all the options, and when you come to a decision, you execute it quickly and decisively, and then you never look back and second guess yourself. Over the years I watched him do this many times. Some were difficult decisions like laying off employees, something he took seriously and very personally. When he divorced my mom, it was like a military operation. He figured out how to get it done, and get it done quickly. It was painful but he understood that the quicker it was done, the less overall pain in the end. This is all really good advice to live your life by. When I was about 3 months into my marriage I was already pretty miserable. I sat down with him one night and talked about my marriage. About an hour later I walked out of his office feeling like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders because I came to a decision to divorce. When I got home I choked. Choking was the biggest mistake of my life. And a couple months later she got pregnant by a near immaculate conception, and it was game over. ETA: I was sitting at the kitchen table I think, mulling over my failed attempt to announce my intention to divorce when she announced the pregnancy. It was about the most difficult moment of my life.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 20, 2017 2:57:25 GMT -5
Damn, beachguy, that about tore my heart out. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry for all of us whose lives have been altered by something we never saw coming, and worse -- that emerged from what was supposed to be the most fulfilling thing in our lives -- love and marriage.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 20, 2017 3:06:09 GMT -5
Damn, beachguy, that about tore my heart out. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry for all of us whose lives have been altered by something we never saw coming, and worse -- that emerged from what was supposed to be the most fulfilling thing in our lives -- love and marriage. My story is all about bad decision making. Hell, I knew halfway through the honeymoon I'd made a terrible mistake |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 20, 2017 3:22:34 GMT -5
At the old EP site the term "deal breaker status" was often used to state the moment or time when one knew they could not continue the status quo. Mine came relatively early after realizing there was no changing my now X, she was who she was. I knew after the 4th attempt at restarting intimacy after months of none. The restart lasted roughly 3 months and then she again found reasons for not allowing any sort of intimacy. At that point I knew things would never be different so I called "time of death" and began implementing my exit strategy. It was tough sledding for awhile and there were times I questioned myself about the decision. It's been 8 months since the divorce was granted. There is no doubt that I made the right decision for myself.
If you are conflicted about the decision that is one thing. If you are scared that is another, Fear general arises when one doesn't have a good understanding of what the future holds. A discussion with an attorney can possibly put your feet on firmer ground regarding monetary outcomes and some time with a therapist could shore up your emotional foundation.
Take your time and put together the best exit plan possible for yourself. The more unknowns you eliminate from the process the better your outcome is apt to be. Good luck...
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 20, 2017 6:35:17 GMT -5
Tomorrow morning I'm telling my therapist that we need to figure out exactly how I'm going to tell her, and it's happening Saturday, after she gets home from work, and I get home from taking an exam for work. I'm done. Good luck to you! Making that decision was the hardest part. |
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Jan 20, 2017 9:54:12 GMT -5
Calling time, and knowing when it's 'done' in your heart is different from pulling the plug and leaving. Different processes. Get an exit plan sorted. Part one is emotional, part two is functional (but knocks the stuffing out of you in different ways).
A good book is 'Uncoupling, turning points in intimate relationships' by Dianne Vaughan. Uncoupling has a process. Maybe worth a quick download and read.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 20, 2017 11:39:19 GMT -5
There are so many factors to take into account when it comes to getting a divorce. For me my biggest issue was to have enough money in my paycheck to live on my own with the kids with some child support. I had finally reached that point and I was ready to jump out of the plane that was spiraling to the ground out of control. beachguy gets credit for the plane analogy. Just like with a parachute and jumping out of a plane there is an optimal window of opportunity to land safely. So for everyone that window is different based on finances and the dynamics of the family. For me I got to a point where I hated being in my house with him. It was wearing me down. So I went to see an attorney and figured out the numbers. He forgot my birthday the month before, we just weren't getting along, I couldn't empathize anymore for how sad he would be from the divorce because he didn't care if I was celibate. I just knew it was time but first I talked to an attorney. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2017 12:47:39 GMT -5
For me, the tipping point was when we were Talking About the Relationship™, and I reminded him that he had agreed to compromise and "try." He responded that he was already trying as much as he was going to.
It took me about 4 more months to get up the nerve to have The Talk™.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 20, 2017 15:24:44 GMT -5
I've been waffling about this for literally months myself, so I feel your pain. For me, it wasn't any one thing, but a lot of little things that built up and built up, until finally there was just one more "brick in the wall," so to speak, that's let me know that I can't keep doing this. Here's mine: Two days ago, I had a minor anxiety attack when I thought about having to go home from work and see her that night. I talked to my therapist a bit about it, and I know we'll be addressing it at length tomorrow. Yesterday I came home after work, changed, took the dogs for a long run, fed them, and went back to work to finish up a project that had a deadline of today. Stayed later than necessary because I knew I didn't want to go home. When I finally got home a little after 11:30, the dogs were still in their crates, just like I'd left them four hours earlier. She was sprawled out asleep in the middle of the bed, lights and TV on, dinner dishes on the bed beside her. I suspected then. The next morning, she said something to the effect of, "the dogs were being so good when I got home, I just left them where they were." I knew then. Tomorrow morning I'm telling my therapist that we need to figure out exactly how I'm going to tell her, and it's happening Saturday, after she gets home from work, and I get home from taking an exam for work. I'm done. Straws that break the camel's back are usually, by definition, small. In my case it was a Facebook post (ironically saying she loved me). |
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Jan 20, 2017 16:08:20 GMT -5
For me, there was no significant moment. I assume it was the drip of many moments. Looking back I had a string of epiphanies, each allowed me to slide further away. Each pushed me to sort another bit of my own individual shit out. At some point, she became insignificant.
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Post by Carol on Jan 20, 2017 18:05:28 GMT -5
At the old EP site the term "deal breaker status" was often used to state the moment or time when one knew they could not continue the status quo. Mine came relatively early after realizing there was no changing my now X, she was who she was. I knew after the 4th attempt at restarting intimacy after months of none. The restart lasted roughly 3 months and then she again found reasons for not allowing any sort of intimacy. At that point I knew things would never be different so I called "time of death" and began implementing my exit strategy. It was tough sledding for awhile and there were times I questioned myself about the decision. It's been 8 months since the divorce was granted. There is no doubt that I made the right decision for myself. If you are conflicted about the decision that is one thing. If you are scared that is another, Fear general arises when one doesn't have a good understanding of what the future holds. A discussion with an attorney can possibly put your feet on firmer ground regarding monetary outcomes and some time with a therapist could shore up your emotional foundation. Take your time and put together the best exit plan possible for yourself. The more unknowns you eliminate from the process the better your outcome is apt to be. Good luck... |
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