When is it time to go?

Mine was when after 6 years of celibacy, she told me that we should have a wonderful, fulfilling marriage even if we never had sex again. I did a double take.

That's understandable Carol. Family and parents tend to go to one extreme or the other. Either highly supportive, or very avoidant, often shifting the blame on you. Time and courage can come to you in ways you may not realize. You have much inner strength, by writing on hear, and talking with the therapist are all good signs. What helps me is to bring my computer,or make a copy, and read it of to my therapist. I get everything heard and said without interruption. It helps everyone.

Reach out and and talk with your friend. There's nothing wrong with taking by asking for help. Givers are reluctant to do this because they are usually more self sufficient. For all your life of giving, it's time to be rewarded, by receiving.

Carol, you are in the right place to get ALL of this off your chest.  You are not alone here, and most of us have faced everything you have mentioned in your post, including the courage aspect, the 'what will everyone think' aspect, all of it.  KEEP COMING IN AND WRITING!  No matter what you need to say, say it here. WE HEAR YOU!!!  And more importantly, we FEEL you!

After an enormous process of investigating, hypothesizing and testing remedies and accommodations including an open relationship, years of counseling, 3 counselors, two "save the marriage" vacations - we tried to do a simple family weekend at a ziplining resort a couple hours north of the city. We booked a motor hotel and had a couple beds.

We did the activities, had a nice day with the kids, and sat for a burger in the roadhouse style restaurant.
I looked across and saw an older couple - I'd say around 55-60 - well kept - attractive in a way that they might be normal people you would know.

The first thing I noticed was that they sat on the same side of the table so they could touch.
I noticed their smiles.
They were relaxed in a way that made me certain they had had sex that day.
I noticed touches like a flash of necklace here, and the cut of a shirt - while casual - they had made an effort to look good for each other.
It looked so uncomplicated, happy.

I realized at that precise moment this was never ever going to work.  I really had nothing left to try, no hypothesis left to test, no further indignities with the counselor to undergo ("don't worry Mrs Apocrypha - if he needs sex, he can just march down the hall and do it in the bathroom by himself - right Mr Apocrypha? nyuk nyuk"). I wasn't going to try to find a new girlfriend and deal with the madness of the adjustment and further sabotage, and I wasn't going through the work and inauthenticity of an affair.

I realized I would never, ever be happy with her. I was sitting at a table with her after a lovely day outside, doing the kind of family thing she'd never had as a kid. I had been the epitome of the good dad (to our kids) she never had, and as I looked at this happy couple having a quiet moment together family roadhouse and finding happiness in each other - this Sunday kind of love, I realized I had been wiping tears from the corners of both eyes.

On the ride home - two hours - I drove, tears streaming. Not sobbing or huffing - silent - but they wouldn't stop.

Sometime in the evening with kids readying for bed, I noted "the problem" was back, that she hadn't been doing the program from the counselor. I asked her point blank if she wanted to be married to me.

"I don't know," she said.

I pointed out that my condition for going back to counselling AT ALL, was that we both had to be fully invested in the same direction, all in, or not at all.
She looked at me.

I said, " 'I don't know' wouldn't even meet my standard of enthusiasm to ask someone out for a second date. We are talking about a marriage here, and you've been at either 'no' or 'I don't know' for close to 6 years -- at least. I am so sorry, but I can't do this anymore. We are going to get a divorce. Let's digest that reality tonight, because I'm too upset to talk further, and tomorrow we can discuss how the two of us can do that with the least amount of harm."

Saying those words was like stepping off a cliff.

It took me years to get enough courage to leave. But staying was getting more and more difficult. And when I had an opportunity (financially), I got out.