Post by thebaffledking on Jan 18, 2017 7:27:54 GMT -5
Very reluctant to post this, but I need perspective and an ILIASM kick in the ass. I have been on other forums where asking for help just got you mauled, but I feel ILIASM folks are sincere in wanting to help and offer advice.
As I've mentioned in other posts, I have been waiting several years to get to this window of opportunity. I have been feeling fully confident, focused on what I want for once, and felt as ready as I'd ever be to get out in the next two weeks.
Then.........last night, we were in the kitchen and she said, with some level of weariness as usual (blame) "Are there a few nights a week we can sit down and eat dinner at the same time and eat the same thing?" Over the last few years I have just come home and prepared my own dinners. I eat a lot of protein and low carb, and she's basically the opposite. Also, to be honest, to sit at the table with just her (all kids now grown and on their own) made me feel ill. However, I made an effort to continue to be present as much as possible (see lyn's thread on Hypocrisy, because that's what 'playing along' makes you feel). This same question has come up a couple of other times, and I just told her I wanted to eat what I wanted and would sometimes be late for dinner because I go to the gym after work. It pisses me off that she asked yet a third time.........and what's worse is that this time I said 'okay'. At the time I just felt, 'Whatever, I'm out of here anyway.' But as it sank in that I had given in and given up control of something I'd already told her 'no' to twice in the recent past, it really started to torch me. I have no idea why she even cares. We have nothing to say to each other beyond the mundane, and 90% of the time is sitting listening to her crunch her vegetables. I think it just pissed her off that sometimes she'd have to eat alone -- poor baby -- just like I have slept alone for the last eight years.
This question that she posed just took the wind out of my sails, and I don't know why. It didn't make me want to stay, or work on it, or anything else. It's FAR too late for any of that. I guess it sucked me back into that black hole of feeling 'controlled' - a hole I have struggled very hard for several years to climb out of, and thought I had. How can one question send me reeling backwards again? How can one sentence so upset what seemed like such a stable apple cart? Why am I still focused almost exclusively on what SHE feels and wants, to my own detriment (to put it mildly - I have been in very very dark places over this).
I have worked through several of the top books on codependence. I have worked to shut down my natural (and overactive) empathy. I have the support and encouragement, of my family and friends, to leave.......I am highly motivated to leave this month. So what happened with this one question? I'm just having trouble untangling this. I need help in regaining perspective because my head is just swimming and I instantly sank back into my depression.
Yes, of course it's easy to say things like, "You should have asked her if there are three nights a week we can have sex!" But I don't want that at all. I want nothing to do with her. She is a master controller.
I know this isn't Psych Central, but I know some of you have dealt with similar things and gotten enough perspective on it to begin moving forward again. Just writing this out makes me feel like I'm fighting to get self-control back, but if anyone has constructive thoughts on this, I would appreciate hearing from you. Thanks.
As Always.............baffled.
As I've mentioned in other posts, I have been waiting several years to get to this window of opportunity. I have been feeling fully confident, focused on what I want for once, and felt as ready as I'd ever be to get out in the next two weeks.
Then.........last night, we were in the kitchen and she said, with some level of weariness as usual (blame) "Are there a few nights a week we can sit down and eat dinner at the same time and eat the same thing?" Over the last few years I have just come home and prepared my own dinners. I eat a lot of protein and low carb, and she's basically the opposite. Also, to be honest, to sit at the table with just her (all kids now grown and on their own) made me feel ill. However, I made an effort to continue to be present as much as possible (see lyn's thread on Hypocrisy, because that's what 'playing along' makes you feel). This same question has come up a couple of other times, and I just told her I wanted to eat what I wanted and would sometimes be late for dinner because I go to the gym after work. It pisses me off that she asked yet a third time.........and what's worse is that this time I said 'okay'. At the time I just felt, 'Whatever, I'm out of here anyway.' But as it sank in that I had given in and given up control of something I'd already told her 'no' to twice in the recent past, it really started to torch me. I have no idea why she even cares. We have nothing to say to each other beyond the mundane, and 90% of the time is sitting listening to her crunch her vegetables. I think it just pissed her off that sometimes she'd have to eat alone -- poor baby -- just like I have slept alone for the last eight years.
This question that she posed just took the wind out of my sails, and I don't know why. It didn't make me want to stay, or work on it, or anything else. It's FAR too late for any of that. I guess it sucked me back into that black hole of feeling 'controlled' - a hole I have struggled very hard for several years to climb out of, and thought I had. How can one question send me reeling backwards again? How can one sentence so upset what seemed like such a stable apple cart? Why am I still focused almost exclusively on what SHE feels and wants, to my own detriment (to put it mildly - I have been in very very dark places over this).
I have worked through several of the top books on codependence. I have worked to shut down my natural (and overactive) empathy. I have the support and encouragement, of my family and friends, to leave.......I am highly motivated to leave this month. So what happened with this one question? I'm just having trouble untangling this. I need help in regaining perspective because my head is just swimming and I instantly sank back into my depression.
Yes, of course it's easy to say things like, "You should have asked her if there are three nights a week we can have sex!" But I don't want that at all. I want nothing to do with her. She is a master controller.
I know this isn't Psych Central, but I know some of you have dealt with similar things and gotten enough perspective on it to begin moving forward again. Just writing this out makes me feel like I'm fighting to get self-control back, but if anyone has constructive thoughts on this, I would appreciate hearing from you. Thanks.
As Always.............baffled.
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