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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2017 21:20:52 GMT -5
You may have a bit of personal "why" chasing to do yet Brother TBK.
Specifically "why" you are so reticent to pull the trigger.
You mentioned co-dependence.
That might be it.
Or not.
Bouncing a few ideas around in here ain't such a bad strategy.
But it may bear fruit far quicker were you to consult a skilled therapist / counsellor / mentor to assist you chase this roadblock "why" to earth, and then kick it squarely in the balls.
Right now, you ain't ready. That is a perfectly legitimate position to take.
Not having a shot at you here TBK, but it again hi-lites the smarts in 'sorting your own shit out first' as the bedrock you build your exit strategy on.
In many ways, I think that a self imposed deadline along the lines - "I will sort my own shit out by June 21, 2017" is far more a realistic proposition to adopt rather than - "I will leave my ILIASM shithole by June 21, 2017"
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 20, 2017 8:52:10 GMT -5
Yeah, you're probably right. But plenty of folks just 'leap' and they weren't 'ready', either. I've done years of work just to get to where I am now, and I have no more time to spend on this shit. We're all different in so many different ways that shit-sorting takes on as many shades and stages of completion as there are individuals dealing with hard times. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be okay. The ridiculousness of the dinner issue has already worn off. Every dinner together just further points up how pointless this marriage is. I think it was greatcoastal who suggested that this was mainly her way of not having leftovers all the time, and not having to clean up her kitchen mess every night. When the kids were here, I went ahead and just ate whatever was served and then cleared the table and did the dishes. It was only a couple days after the house was empty again that she brought this up.......she spends much of her time during dinner on her phone.....
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Post by Rhapsodee on Jan 22, 2017 10:36:11 GMT -5
I see it as climbing your way through a dark tunnel toward an opening. You have to keep your focus on the light at the other end. You have to skirt your way around the deadly bottomless pits, climb over the huge rocks baring your way and avoid the tempting side passages that you could get lost in. Her request caused you to turn around and look back at the darkness behind you. It would be so easy to just turn around and go back downhill. You know its the wrong way and the alarm bells are clanging. Turn around and head toward the light and don't look back.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 22, 2017 13:00:38 GMT -5
Shared meals are a reasonable, common outward marker of pair bonding behavior. It's a daily ritual of intimacy that I would imagine is as important as having sex, or sleeping in the same bed, for some people. Even throwing a dinner party or attending one is a kind of intimate expression that feels satisfying in a way that goes beyond taking nourishment.
So, imagine the conflict over shared meals and sex being flipped. She feels not "good enough" for you to eat with her, so why would she fuck you?
And you, "She thinks I'm not "good enough" to fuck, so why should I eat with her?"
She's in the stage of being aware of the dysfunction and trying to enact intimate behaviors - and succeeding - but it is devoid of intimacy.
Your statement of sullenly listening to her her crunching her vegetables is pretty much the mindset of Mrs Apocrypha waiting for me to "finish up" and get off of her.
So there's not much of a connection in that realm.
And, because your trajectory is pointing out the door, you resent the intimate obligation she's asking for. It's pointless and feels dishonest to you. Like, it's a lot for her to ask for you to sit with her a few times a week and eat while she eats, especially when you have to eat anyway.
This is an excellent thing for anyone here to read to get a peek into the head of what a celibate spouse is thinking. Switch "eating together" for "banging each other".
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