Open marriage?

That is a novel idea - I wonder if that my be the case in my marriage -

as you hear so often here there is the "Refuser" and the "Asker" - my wife and I are so SM pathetic that I am not sure if there are any "Refusers" in our relationship because neither of us even bother asking - we have had an SM for about 8 years or so. The last time was about 10 months ago and before that 8 months and I think a year or more etc. etc.

The main concern or unforeseen Event that could happen is that what is just a physical / intimate outlet turns into a Mad Falling In Love - I can tell you this can definitely happen and not because I read it somewhere. This happens of course whether it is an authorized open marriage or just garden variety "outsourcing" as they say here.

If you and your H really want to stay married - for whatever reason - and this fixes the problem - then why the heck not.

There is also the risks of jealousy and things getting out of control etc. But again if it can fix the problem and make you a happier couple then why not.

At this point, I realize that one of the fundamentals to a strong loving couple is absolute trust in each other - this would of course imply total honesty and transparency so the two really can be one. If it is agreed and honestly so - then again why the heck not.

Personally for me - I dont think I could do that but that is just me - not a moral judgment - oh heck no - just me knowing me.

This is tough for me to vote on because I don't know your H and how he would react. I did outsource but my marriage was totally celibate. My POV was if he did not want to share his sexuality (porn, online sex sites) then he had no right to know about my sexual experiences.

If he's open minded and not controlling I might say yes throw it out there.
If he's controlling, manipulative, angry then don't say anything.

I would say go with your gut.

Would one of the rules be that after one spouse has "outsourced" even just one time, that there will be absolutely no intimate physical interactions between spouses again for the entirety of the marriage, except for perhaps a hug, with no kissing? I for one, would prefer divorce over open marriage. I don't relish the idea of the possibility of being infected by even the most innocuous of STD's. But that's just me.

In theory, it's a great idea. Since most marriages have a monogamy rule, it would be only fair if there was a corresponding no-forced-celibacy rule.

Unfortunately, because we live in a world where the less sexual and more uptight people get to run everything - you may not get good results. He might be one of the many selfish people who thinks that since *he* doesn't want to have sex, *you* should never have sex again, either.

So - my advice is: Don't ask him for an open marriage unless you are sure you're OK with him ending the relationship as a result. Including having big horrible emotional fights, the silent treatment, etc.

It really all boils down to this -
#1 - are YOU the type of person that the 'theory' sits well with ?? (be honest about this)
#2 - is your spouse the type of person with whom this 'theory' sits well with ?? (be as objective as you can possibly be here)

If "no" is the answer to any / either of the above, then fucken forget it. It would be a complete non starter as Brother worksforme2 notes.

There is, of course, the cheating option still available. Does that one sit well with you ?? And, as far as you can know, would that sit well with your husband when you get caught ??
Again, if "no" is the answer to any/either, it would be smart to scrub that idea too.

Although, if you DID cheat, and he DID find out, and he DID go apeshit, and he DID divorce you, the end result would be achieved (the cessation of the ILIASM shithole) but probably in a very messy and acrimonious way.

No. The problem is that her husband doesn't desire her. You can both go to therapy and learn to communicate better. Mrs A and I certainly did, but "communicating well" does not create desire where none exists.

I did the open marriage thing, open a crack, for maybe 3-4 years with Mrs A. I learned a few things in that time.

1. At a  high personal cost, you can use it to determine the lengths your spouse would go to avoid sex with you but remain married to you.

2. The fact that your lover will have sex with you, while your spouse will not doesn't diminish the insult that comes from that. If you are getting a regular shag on the outside, the minimum that you will accept from your spouse will increase, not decrease, as you start to feel what you are missing in your primary relationship, and how easy it could be.

3. The act of engaging in such an engaging enterprise with so much to learn, so many moving parts, such high stakes and exciting rewards and intense emotions, will intensify your closeness and your conflicts for a while. If you both pull your weight, you might even become really good at communicating with each other with enormous empathy and searing authenticity. This too, will not create desire. Depending on your investment, it might become like a hobby, managing these things. Or, like having a baby to save the marriage - a distraction from the core problem.

4. Your spouse might feel more sexual as a result of the situation, and he might explore that with you, or with everyone he's with. Mrs A also had a surge in sexuality. It was not centered specifically on me, though I benefitted. I often felt, later, like I was playing a role in an elaborate psychodrama in which she was "having her tank filled" elsewhere, and then spending it with me. That is, sex with me depleted her, whereas sex with her lover fulfilled her, and sex with my own lovers fulfilled me. It took a couple years for me grasp that the increase of sex in my marriage wasn't due to desire for me.

5. If he's not into it, he will find ways to sabotage it. He will treat you like shit, even if he's also getting strange and even if you treat him well.

6. If you choose the "don't ask, don't tell" option, it puts an ENORMOUS responsibility on you to cover tracks, and introduces a great deal of doubt. It's not really any different from an affair, and it banks on the promise that when he finds out, he won't detonate. 

7. Simply having the conversation about an open marriage introduces a wobble. Many people take that alone as an excuse to rationalize their affair, while STILL not having sex with you, AND not telling you. If you have discussed this already, make certain your position and status is completely clear.

8. Having a serious discussion on this, with intent to follow through, a date made etc - COMPLETELY changes the dynamic of the conflict, shining a spotlight on the choice to remain celibate, rather than starting that way as a default state. It tosses a ticking grenade into your spouse's court and forces your spouse to own a position.

9. A woman of even average attractiveness who is up for paramour and wants a shag, has a 100:1 advantage over even a handsome man, in marketability. Every guy will want to drink your milkshake. To even get someone to talk to him, he's going to have to do a LOT of work. 

Respectfully, I think that both of you could be right.  Improved communication may help, but if there is an underlying lack of desire, that is often difficult to address as many of us here know.

Right now, I'd say to throw everything up against the wall and see if it sticks.  Try counseling.  Try better communication.  Try anything you think might work.  But if there is no desire in the end, it is better to realize that early than spend several decades wondering "how the hell did we get here?"